2 months in... !

[cambio2]

to make the story short, I found out, starting with intruision, then when my wife admitted nothing, I dug a bit into emails/phones etc..and found out she had an sexual affair with a man on a trip to vegas, which continued via emails, plus another emotional relationship via email with another man for 9 months during all this. Im 50 and she's 43, together for 20 years, married for 11, 2 kids. Iim hurting really bad- anxiety, fear, distrust, anger. But I want us to work. Its been 2 months, and was getting better, but suddenly the anxiety is back, even worse, again. Thoughts of her having the sex, and fear of her doing it again. She says she wants to make it work and that all affairs has stopped. I believe that, be she refuses to discuss the affairs with me. And hid her hard drives from me where she saved emails/chats with her men. I am guilty of not being the best husband, and take some responsibility for our troubles before her cheating. But I was never throwing in the towel. Im wondering if anyone can tell me. or give me there opinions, on how long before I can sleep well again, and not have so much anxiety and fera over this. I kow its different for everyone, but any opinion on time tables would really help me/us try to save a once, and potentilially beautiful thing. thanks!!!

[TMCM]

to make the story short, I found out, starting with intruision, then when my wife admitted nothing, I dug a bit into emails/phones etc..and found out she had an sexual affair with a man on a trip to vegas, which continued via emails, plus another emotional relationship via email with another man for 9 months during all this. Im 50 and she's 43, together for 20 years, married for 11, 2 kids. Iim hurting really bad- anxiety, fear, distrust, anger. But I want us to work. Its been 2 months, and was getting better, but suddenly the anxiety is back, even worse, again. Thoughts of her having the sex, and fear of her doing it again. She says she wants to make it work and that all affairs has stopped. I believe that, be she refuses to discuss the affairs with me. And hid her hard drives from me where she saved emails/chats with her men. I am guilty of not being the best husband, and take some responsibility for our troubles before her cheating. But I was never throwing in the towel. Im wondering if anyone can tell me. or give me there opinions, on how long before I can sleep well again, and not have so much anxiety and fera over this. I kow its different for everyone, but any opinion on time tables would really help me/us try to save a once, and potentilially beautiful thing. thanks!!!

 

There is no hope for your marriage unless your WW (wayward wife) voluntarily chooses to become an open book and her refusal to discuss the affairs and provide you with all the saved emails and chats with her OM (other man/men).

 

If there no consequences to her betrayal, what makes you think that she won't become fearless and restart having affairs but this time rubbing them in your face?

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful but you have to show her that you've 'grown a pair' and are willing to end the marriage unless she matches her words of 'making it work' with actions.

[mark982]

if she's not going to show you the hidden hard drives, the lies continue. only thing she's tring to save is herself,cause i git a feeling it's alot worse than she is letting on. she either shows you, or she gotta go. like tmcm says, show her you've grown a pair.

[Decimated]

Cambio2, I am going through a similar situation with my wife. She say's she wants to work on us but won't discuss the affair or hand over passwords. She claims she cutoff contact but I cant be sure.

 

This is a F****d up time for us. I still love my wife. I am trying to be patient but it is tearing me apart. I keep thinking that see is still in Fogland. There is something about this age for women, late 30's to late 40's, that inspires discontent and reevaluation. I am 47 and her 39 with 3 kids. I was always been the model husband...giving, caring and available, and it still happened to me.

 

TMCM is correct. There is no hope for your marriage unless your WW voluntarily chooses to become an open book and is willing to discuss the affair. You can't move forward without it.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you. If I did I would be following it myself. I have set a date in the very near future to throw in my cards and file for D if things don't change drastically. I just hope and pray that I have to courage and strength to follow through when that day arrives.

[Mrg37]

Cambio2, I agree with the other people who posted before me. Unless she Has an open door to everything she does, (that is not hidding anything from you) the trust will not return. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. Exactly one year ago I discovered that my husband had cheated on me after being married for almos 23 years. He had done it before many years ago, and at that time I decided to forgive and try to forget. Unfortunately for me, he did it again. I decided to take my 3 daughters and leave him. After his latest cheating I realized that he's capable of cheating over and over again. I realized that trust would never be regained and although it broke my heart I decided that I would rather end up alone that living everyday wondering who he would cheat with next time. I still miss him and it hurts me to think of how he destroyed our marriage and our family. I know that I'll probably never trust anothr man in my life, but that's okay because at 41 I don't even think I care. Just know that you're not alone, and that there are many men and women, just like myself who are suffering because a certain cheater destroyed our lives and broke our hearts. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust? Are you willing to forgive and forget? Keep in mind that about 90% of cheaters will cheat over and over again. Good luck!

[carrie999]

to make the story short, I found out, starting with intruision, then when my wife admitted nothing, I dug a bit into emails/phones etc..and found out she had an sexual affair with a man on a trip to vegas, which continued via emails, plus another emotional relationship via email with another man for 9 months during all this. Im 50 and she's 43, together for 20 years, married for 11, 2 kids. Iim hurting really bad- anxiety, fear, distrust, anger. But I want us to work. Its been 2 months, and was getting better, but suddenly the anxiety is back, even worse, again. Thoughts of her having the sex, and fear of her doing it again. She says she wants to make it work and that all affairs has stopped. I believe that, be she refuses to discuss the affairs with me. And hid her hard drives from me where she saved emails/chats with her men. I am guilty of not being the best husband, and take some responsibility for our troubles before her cheating. But I was never throwing in the towel. Im wondering if anyone can tell me. or give me there opinions, on how long before I can sleep well again, and not have so much anxiety and fera over this. I kow its different for everyone, but any opinion on time tables would really help me/us try to save a once, and potentilially beautiful thing. thanks!!!

 

It doesn't sound like she wants it to really work. If that was her priority, she'd be incredibly remorseful and completely transparent moving forward, in order to help you (and herself) understand how she ended up in a place where she was willing to jeopardize her marriage and relationships with you and your children. She'd be willing to take responsibility for her behavior and open herself to well-deserved criticism and pain in order to learn from her mistakes and re-establish trust.

 

After an affair, most partners who cheated but still want to remain married would be extremely grateful just for the chance to begin working toward re-establishing trust.

 

Not that it should matter, since her reaction (remaining so secretive despite getting caught) is themain issue here, but it also concerns me that she is involved with more than one AP. If she fell in love with someone else and had a long-term lapse in judgment as a result, OR if she had a moment of weakness and slept with someone else, it would be more understandable, despite still not being excusable. That she's been unfaithful to you with at least two men at once suggests to me that not only is she not remorseful or concerned about any of the guys she's involved with, but that this is probably the tip of the iceberg...which would also explain why she is remaining secretive. She probably believes she can maintain some sense of dignity if nothing more is revealed.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but my advice is to seek counseling, both psychological and legal. Take care of yourself and your children. Best of luck to you.