Marriage in trouble, what would YOU do?

[shane147]

Quick background, married for 16 years. We were married when we were 17, after we found out we were having a child. We grew up together, college, careers, etc.

 

Think about all the typical stresses and pressures of becoming a family at such a young age, and we have been through it. No affairs or infidelity, just an ungodly amount of stress through the years.

 

Fast forward to the last few years. Passion is gone, intimacy suffers mightily. We fight a great deal about sex, parenting, finances, etc.

 

I have found that talking to her is maybe the most difficult endeavor of my life. It is extremely hard, if not impossible to find resolution when we have a problem. From my experience, this is in large part due to the fact that she is very stubborn. If I have a point, she automatically goes into defense mode, even though I am not on the attack. She redirects me, throws up all the classic communication barriers. We scream, yell, ignore, then make up. Problem not solved, rather a bandaid is in place.

 

As I grow older, I am trying desperately to cut down on the over emotional unproductive screaming matches. This is very difficult, but I am trying. Sometimes, I find my only option is to walk away and avoid. Still, nothing gets solved.

 

A few years ago, I wrote her a long letter talking about what was bothering me and how some of our problems were affecting me. She wrote a letter back and I felt like she was quite receptive. For a time, things were better.

 

More recently, I have tried on two occasions to speak to her and try to talk about what was holding our marriage back and what we could do to work on it. She cut into this both times and brushed me off, offering "what now", "what's wrong with me", "oh sh(*, here we go again".... type of responses. The long and short of it was that she would not listen, despite my best efforts to remain calm and factual. This really hurt, because I realized that I can not share my emotions with her.

 

So, last night..... we had a major fight.

 

It starts with her telling me I act too old. She says that I don't show her affection. I reminded her that she ignored me on recent occasions when I went well out of my way to show her attention. I know at this point that she is probably correct. It has been subconscious with me recently, but I have felt really upset about the communication problems between us. The truth is, that our connection is gone and I can't envision it coming back so long as she remains so uncaring for my needs and emotions.

 

We began talking about separation a lot more seriously last night. I have been thinking about this a great deal. I am aware of the potential toll to our family, but I am very unhappy, as is she. I am terrified of the possibility of waking up in my mid 40's or 50's (when all our children are grown), only to realize that it wouldn't last anyway.

 

I have suggested counseling and simply reading relationship books together. She 100 percent dismisses either notion.

 

Here is what I have tried recently that has failed.

 

Going on a weekend getaway, just the two of us. She said no, that she didn't want to burden family with watching our children.

 

Getting out to dinner, just the two of us.

 

Suggesting new ideas to spice up our sex life. I have made romantic gestures, but I refuse to continue this as a lopsided approach. If she will not reciprocate, then I will not try to be romantic.

 

Cooking dinner, we share these responsibilities, but sometimes I will go out of my way to make a nice occasion.

 

Talking about it.

 

Writing about it.

 

Showing that sex isn't a large priority to me, as she has shown.

 

Suggesting MC. She says absolutely no way.

 

Talking to friends. To her, this is no different than MC.

 

SO, after this lengthy post, please share how some of you might deal with this situation.

[soserious1]

Tell her that since none of the things you've suggested to improve your marriage have appealed to her, that she might be interested in consulting with a divorce lawyer because you already have.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Ugh, I normally wouldn't be the one to jump on this wagon, but snoop. She's early 30's, married since a teen, claims you act "Too Old", she's feeling oats, if you know what I mean. There may be some young unencumbered dude in the background. Besides the 15-or-16yo child, how old and how many others?

 

Since she hasn't liked your suggestions, what are hers? Have you asked her how she intends to address the problems?

[robf1971]

this is in large part due to the fact that she is very stubborn.

 

Are you stubborn too?

[robf1971]

I find my only option is to walk away and avoid. Still, nothing gets solved.

.

 

Women hate that passive aggresive sh*t,

 

Two ways you can look at this IMO

 

1 Get divorced

 

2 Start relating to her better

 

From my experience

 

She probably thinks you are acting like a jerk, when you get sucked into an argument (not saying she isn't either). The second she starts raising her voice you stay calm, hold your hand up.

 

"Wife, until you can speak to me in a calm and civil manner, this conversation is over" THEN you can walk away. She will freak out the first few times, but eventually you will start getting apologies. This is called getting your respect back, at the moment she has f*ck all of that for you.

[shane147]

Rob, yes, I am stubborn. I have recently been trying a much more calm approach to our arguments. I try not to let them turn into an argument for starters, but when they do... I am making an honest attempt to "fight fair". Last night, for instance... we had a follow up to the previous night. Thinking that it might accomplish something, I spent a substantial amount of time outlining some of my problems (faults) as if looking from her perspective. (IE, sarcasm, communication barriers, filtering, timing, affection) Would she do the same... of course not, it is much easier to strangle me with my own admission's of fault.

 

As far as throwing the hand up when she starts acting out. I truly believe that is what she hopes will happen. She is pretty manipulative in arguments. We talk for a moment... she gets irritated... perhaps I try to continue the conversation, she begins yelling and I am no longer allowed to speak. If I raise my voice above hers, she wants to end the argument. So, if I walk away.. she calls me an *&(hole, then assumes that the problem will disappear. Quite often it will be better temporarily, but usually comes back in short time.

[kbme311]

Quick background, married for 16 years. We were married when we were 17, after we found out we were having a child. We grew up together, college, careers, etc.

 

Think about all the typical stresses and pressures of becoming a family at such a young age, and we have been through it. No affairs or infidelity, just an ungodly amount of stress through the years.

 

Fast forward to the last few years. Passion is gone, intimacy suffers mightily. We fight a great deal about sex, parenting, finances, etc.

 

I have found that talking to her is maybe the most difficult endeavor of my life. It is extremely hard, if not impossible to find resolution when we have a problem. From my experience, this is in large part due to the fact that she is very stubborn. If I have a point, she automatically goes into defense mode, even though I am not on the attack. She redirects me, throws up all the classic communication barriers. We scream, yell, ignore, then make up. Problem not solved, rather a bandaid is in place.

 

As I grow older, I am trying desperately to cut down on the over emotional unproductive screaming matches. This is very difficult, but I am trying. Sometimes, I find my only option is to walk away and avoid. Still, nothing gets solved.

 

A few years ago, I wrote her a long letter talking about what was bothering me and how some of our problems were affecting me. She wrote a letter back and I felt like she was quite receptive. For a time, things were better.

 

More recently, I have tried on two occasions to speak to her and try to talk about what was holding our marriage back and what we could do to work on it. She cut into this both times and brushed me off, offering "what now", "what's wrong with me", "oh sh(*, here we go again".... type of responses. The long and short of it was that she would not listen, despite my best efforts to remain calm and factual. This really hurt, because I realized that I can not share my emotions with her.

 

So, last night..... we had a major fight.

 

It starts with her telling me I act too old. She says that I don't show her affection. I reminded her that she ignored me on recent occasions when I went well out of my way to show her attention. I know at this point that she is probably correct. It has been subconscious with me recently, but I have felt really upset about the communication problems between us. The truth is, that our connection is gone and I can't envision it coming back so long as she remains so uncaring for my needs and emotions.

 

We began talking about separation a lot more seriously last night. I have been thinking about this a great deal. I am aware of the potential toll to our family, but I am very unhappy, as is she. I am terrified of the possibility of waking up in my mid 40's or 50's (when all our children are grown), only to realize that it wouldn't last anyway.

 

I have suggested counseling and simply reading relationship books together. She 100 percent dismisses either notion.

 

Here is what I have tried recently that has failed.

 

Going on a weekend getaway, just the two of us. She said no, that she didn't want to burden family with watching our children.

 

Getting out to dinner, just the two of us.

 

Suggesting new ideas to spice up our sex life. I have made romantic gestures, but I refuse to continue this as a lopsided approach. If she will not reciprocate, then I will not try to be romantic.

 

Cooking dinner, we share these responsibilities, but sometimes I will go out of my way to make a nice occasion.

 

Talking about it.

 

Writing about it.

 

Showing that sex isn't a large priority to me, as she has shown.

 

Suggesting MC. She says absolutely no way.

 

Talking to friends. To her, this is no different than MC.

 

SO, after this lengthy post, please share how some of you might deal with this situation.

 

Relationships are very simple. If two people want to be together they will do absolutely anything and everything in their power to stay together.

 

Lay it on the line and mean what you say. Either this changes and we do everything possible in order for this to change or I'm out of here.

 

She's either with you or she isn't. If she isn't then you know where you are and where you stand. You are in this marriage alone and that's a very lonely place to be.

 

Best of luck

[linwood]

It seems she has little respect for you.

It seems she is quite comfortably controlling your relationship.

It seems she doesn`t think your problems with her are valid or important.

 

You should get a lawyer, write up divorce papers and have her served.

 

You don`t have to file them but you do have to regain some control of this relationship.

You do have to force her to acknowledge your concerns have value.

 

Having divorce papers served on her will immediately inform her that you`re not ****ing around.

It`ll be a slap in the face she can`t ignore.

She`ll either come groveling to fix the problems or tell you to go ahead and file.

 

Either way you get what you need to live your life with some semblance of self respect.

[coffeecat]

I have been married for as long as you have and married young also ( 19- although my husband was 32). I would caution you against throwing in the towel so easily and "serving divorce papers" as one poster suggested. 16 years and kids is a long time. There is history between you that can't ever be duplicated in any other relationship that you or her will ever have. If writing a letter worked the first time, then why not try it again?

She says you act too old- Do you know what she is talking about specifically?

[linwood]

I have been married for as long as you have and married young also ( 19- although my husband was 32). I would caution you against throwing in the towel so easily and "serving divorce papers" as one poster suggested. 16 years and kids is a long time. There is history between you that can't ever be duplicated in any other relationship that you or her will ever have. If writing a letter worked the first time, then why not try it again?

She says you act too old- Do you know what she is talking about specifically?

 

I never said he should "Throw in the towel".

 

In fact I advised him to use the serving of divorce papers as a wake up call for her to begin to give consideration to his issues with the relationship.

 

His description of the relationship leads me to believe she`s seriously taking him for granted and needs a hard kick in the ass.

 

Nothing serves as a harder kick in the ass than getting served the D-papers.

[shane147]

Angelina, Yes, 16 years is a long time. My biggest fear, however, and I don't know how to deal with this is that we go ahead and suffer through it... and the day my youngest child graduates high school... we then throw in the towel.

 

Linwood, I do agree with what you said about her controlling and not giving a *(*& about my problems.

 

Coffeecat, She is referring to me acting more serious than I used to. I'm sure that this is to some degree true, but recently, I feel that a lot of my attitude has been because of how I feel our relationship is deteriorating.

 

As far as the divorce papers go, I don't want to do anything like that. If I leave, that will be it. My parents had a crazy on again, off again relationship until they were finally divorced... for the 2nd time. I refuse to issue any "threats" of that nature.

[LuckyLady13]

Shane, how long have you been at this? Trying to fix your marriage? The reason I ask is because it sounds as if this has been an ongoing thing for quite a while without you taking a breather.

 

If that's the case, why not walk away for a little while to regroup? Spend time on yourself and your kids and forget your marriage for a bit? You remind me of a boxer who's been in the ring for a few too many rounds and you need to get in your corner with your coach, get some cold water to drink and catch your breath for a bit. If you're too exhausted you can't think straight and when your wife takes a shot, you're going to go down.

 

Fighting for a good marriage? I've seen my mother do this with my father and for 40 years it never worked. Not only that but it's driven my father so much further from her. They have one of the worst marriages I've ever seen.

 

You came to LS looking for new ideas and some advice. If you haven't walked away to catch your breath in a while, I think it's time to do that. And it will really get her head spinning when you appear to just have...given up.

 

It's always great to step away for a while when you're faced with a difficult problem you can't find the answer to. Do something else for a while. Find happiness in other aspects of your life for a bit. And when you feel refreshed and energized, that's when you can re-approach an old problem with new eyes and new ideas.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hmmmmmmmmmmph, I have a strong feeling that "MC"... REALLY helps you achieve one of the following:

 

 

A - it inspires you both to solve the problems

 

or

 

B - it makes it entirely clear to each side that separation is the best move.

 

 

(there is something {of value} there, in the minds of each... but you're each presently doing a poor job of scratching below the surface to unearth it)

 

 

Do whatever it takes to inspire her to go to "MC" with you.

[shane147]

Luckylady,

 

We have been at this for an overwhelming majority of our marriage. It seems to have gotten much worse during the last few years, and even more so the last year.

 

We actually were separated for about 8 months, but not due to work as opposed to marital problems. During that time, we looked forward to seeing each other, however, when we did return to normal life, it took all of about 2 months for things to start to go downhill again.

 

I personally think the idea of stepping away is good, I have put a great deal of thought into doing so. One of my concerns with this, is as being the man, I would feel compelled to be the one who does the walking. We have actually spoken about it, and she gives me a guilt trip, even though we are both in somewhat agreement. The guilt comes from us moving to a new town (she didn't like our old town, i might add), then me leaving. ON some levels, I can see why she would be hurt, but in terms of the big picture, I don't see where else to go or what else to do.

 

Sincere Online Guy,

 

I have suggested that more than once. She 110 percent refuses. She won't entertain the idea long enough for me to complete the sentence. I've suggested that we both perhaps.. read a few books on marriage, communication, etc. Again, she refuses. I am still reading, and I find a little comfort in chatting here and getting some unbiased opinions. Neither of us really talk about our problems outside of the marriage. I honestly think that one of the major obstacles for us attending counseling is her fear of learning that she might have some issues when it comes to marriage. She is not very good at admitting fault, and I believe that she thinks that she might be forced to confront some if someone who was unbiased were brought into the equation.