Sexless, frustrated

[MarriedMom]

Hello all. I've posted about my situation before, but to recap, my H and I have been married for upwards of 10 years and we have a child. There has been no sex in our marrieage for about 5 years, no emotional or intellectual connection whatsoever. He is very content with the situation and distressed when I bring up my dissatisfaction and desire to leave. He would have sex, he says, but does not try to initaite it. In fact, if I am not holdng a mirror up to our current sitaution, he just acts like everything is fine and has completely adjusted to an asexual, superficial sort of relating.

 

H is a very good man-industrious, values family. We just don't connect, and frankly, although I'd like to find intimacy, it is almost repulsive to think of engagig in that with him. I'd have to be tipsy to really be open to it...

 

So this may sound silly to you, but I don't want to start over after so many years, and I don't want to be miserable either. I don't want the child to go through a divorce. What can I do to become attracted to m H? Part of the barriers for me are his morbid obesity, mental sluggishness and multiple health isues that affect his ability to be emotionally relatable. I could go on, but do you think this is hopeless or can I become a new person and rediscover my H? If it were easier and there were no kids, I wold just leave, but leaving right now would be very hard. I just need help

[WorldIsYours]

Hello all. I've posted about my situation before, but to recap, my H and I have been married for upwards of 10 years and we have a child. There has been no sex in our marrieage for about 5 years, no emotional or intellectual connection whatsoever. He is very content with the situation and distressed when I bring up my dissatisfaction and desire to leave. He would have sex, he says, but does not try to initaite it. In fact, if I am not holdng a mirror up to our current sitaution, he just acts like everything is fine and has completely adjusted to an asexual, superficial sort of relating.

 

H is a very good man-industrious, values family. We just don't connect, and frankly, although I'd like to find intimacy, it is almost repulsive to think of engagig in that with him. I'd have to be tipsy to really be open to it...

 

So this may sound silly to you, but I don't want to start over after so many years, and I don't want to be miserable either. I don't want the child to go through a divorce. What can I do to become attracted to m H? Part of the barriers for me are his morbid obesity, mental sluggishness and multiple health isues that affect his ability to be emotionally relatable. I could go on, but do you think this is hopeless or can I become a new person and rediscover my H? If it were easier and there were no kids, I wold just leave, but leaving right now would be very hard. I just need help

 

Well if you don't even want him sexually then why stay? Why stay if you're just going to think he's just disgusting. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. What have you done to make this better instead of looking at him as if he's the only ugly one? Just divorce him, your child will not die because you two divorced.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that you may need to rediscover some kind of attraction while setting a very firm bottom line.

 

You need to tell him that if he doesn't start changing the way he treats you that you are going to leave and find intimacy with someone else.

 

Unless you want to be in a dead-end marriage forever.

 

Have you closely examined your own issues and why you are still with this man?

 

As well, what are the odds that he is overusing porn?

 

There is a correlation to being overweight and having a porn addiction. (Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows)

[WorldIsYours]

I think that you may need to rediscover some kind of attraction while setting a very firm bottom line.

 

You need to tell him that if he doesn't start changing the way he treats you that you are going to leave and find intimacy with someone else.

 

Unless you want to be in a dead-end marriage forever.

 

Have you closely examined your own issues and why you are still with this man?

 

As well, what are the odds that he is overusing porn?

 

There is a correlation to being overweight and having a porn addiction. (Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows)

 

Oh so cheating is the right way to go eh?

[highviolet]

Oh so cheating is the right way to go eh?

 

 

Uh, no, she said "leave and go find intimicy somewhere else." I am going to speak for DOT and assume leave meant leave the marriage, not just walk out the door and go find it asap.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh so cheating is the right way to go eh?

 

I think that you may need to rediscover some kind of attraction while setting a very firm bottom line.

 

You need to tell him that if he doesn't start changing the way he treats you that you are going to leave and find intimacy with someone else.

 

Unless you want to be in a dead-end marriage forever.

 

Have you closely examined your own issues and why you are still with this man?

 

As well, what are the odds that he is overusing porn?

 

There is a correlation to being overweight and having a porn addiction. (Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows)

 

To clear up any misconception I was saying "leave" in the context that she would end the relationship, not that she would "leave" over to the local convenience store and hit on the attendant.

 

Probably just a missed word, easy mistake to make.

[WorldIsYours]

To clear up any misconception I was saying "leave" in the context that she would end the relationship, not that she would "leave" over to the local convenience store and hit on the attendant.

 

Probably just a missed word, easy mistake to make.

 

As in divorce first, right?

[kbme311]

Hello all. I've posted about my situation before, but to recap, my H and I have been married for upwards of 10 years and we have a child. There has been no sex in our marrieage for about 5 years, no emotional or intellectual connection whatsoever. He is very content with the situation and distressed when I bring up my dissatisfaction and desire to leave. He would have sex, he says, but does not try to initaite it. In fact, if I am not holdng a mirror up to our current sitaution, he just acts like everything is fine and has completely adjusted to an asexual, superficial sort of relating.

 

H is a very good man-industrious, values family. We just don't connect, and frankly, although I'd like to find intimacy, it is almost repulsive to think of engagig in that with him. I'd have to be tipsy to really be open to it...

 

So this may sound silly to you, but I don't want to start over after so many years, and I don't want to be miserable either. I don't want the child to go through a divorce. What can I do to become attracted to m H? Part of the barriers for me are his morbid obesity, mental sluggishness and multiple health isues that affect his ability to be emotionally relatable. I could go on, but do you think this is hopeless or can I become a new person and rediscover my H? If it were easier and there were no kids, I wold just leave, but leaving right now would be very hard. I just need help

 

From the sounds of it he won't be around much longer if he is morbidly obese and has multiple health issues!

 

You can either wait for the inevitable and start over from the Life Insurance or actually accept the fact that this is your life and you are responsible for what happens in it.

 

Have you done anything except wring your hands regarding this?

 

Have you had an in depth conversation with your husband and explained how you feel?

 

Have you looked into marriage guidance counselling?

 

Have you spoken to your in laws about their son and how worried you are about his health?

 

Individual counselling would probably help you as well as him.

 

Your sex life sounds like the tip of the iceburg here. This man is slowly killing himself and he has a child. Isn't that a priority?

 

Can all three of you, go swimming a couple of times a week? It's a very low pressure exercise and it's something to do to connect as a family.

 

Have you tried not buying high fat/salt food and changing the family diet? Or do you do that already and he buys in pizza?

 

What kind of example are you setting your child if you just sit back and let him eat himself to death. He obviously has deep issues that need to be addressed. Your child will also be taught by your example. Are you two setting a healthy one do you think?

 

I'm pretty sure that morbid obesity kills sex drive and I doubt he'd enjoy sex anyway.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness - no one else. Decide where you want to be in 5 years time and start working towards that.

[florence of suburbia]

Was his body type quite different when you married him?

[dreamingoftigers]

As in divorce first, right?

 

At least mutually seperate, but that line is up to each couple and what they decide would be appropriate.

[dreamingoftigers]

From the sounds of it he won't be around much longer if he is morbidly obese and has multiple health issues!

 

You can either wait for the inevitable and start over from the Life Insurance or actually accept the fact that this is your life and you are responsible for what happens in it.

 

Have you done anything except wring your hands regarding this?

 

Have you had an in depth conversation with your husband and explained how you feel?

 

Have you looked into marriage guidance counselling?

 

Have you spoken to your in laws about their son and how worried you are about his health?

 

Individual counselling would probably help you as well as him.

 

Your sex life sounds like the tip of the iceburg here. This man is slowly killing himself and he has a child. Isn't that a priority?

 

Can all three of you, go swimming a couple of times a week? It's a very low pressure exercise and it's something to do to connect as a family.

 

Have you tried not buying high fat/salt food and changing the family diet? Or do you do that already and he buys in pizza?

 

What kind of example are you setting your child if you just sit back and let him eat himself to death. He obviously has deep issues that need to be addressed. Your child will also be taught by your example. Are you two setting a healthy one do you think?

 

I'm pretty sure that morbid obesity kills sex drive and I doubt he'd enjoy sex anyway.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness - no one else. Decide where you want to be in 5 years time and start working towards that.

 

This was a way better post than mine but make sure that you don't end up accepting responsibility for his choices.

[MarriedMom]

Wow! Thank you for all of your responses. Yes counseling has been tried twice to no avail. Self help books, family diets. I have tried prayer...changing by mindset and seeing myself as needing to be more unconditionally loving. I just have a hard time believing that a bad marriage should be a life sentence for spiritual reasons. As you can imagine, that aspect is suffering, too.

 

Things were better when we married. We were both putting our best fet forward and had a lot of social things to keep us busy. Now that that those distractions have disappeared, things have just slowly crumbled and all of our limitations have been exposed. He has personally stagnated; I have tried to better myself and plan for the future. i may try counseling myself and see if I can do anything to improve my perspective...

 

Our disagreements range from me nagging about the importance of paying bills on time to the need for adults (especially of his size) to bathe on a daily basis. Maybe I should be more tolerant, but I don’t think I should have to take on this maternal role as a spouse. I think he needs to do some emotional maturing, and I just don’t know how to foment that…

Edited April 4, 2011 by MarriedMom

[kbme311]

Wow! Thank you for all of your responses. Yes counseling has been tried twice to no avail. Self help books, family diets. I have tried prayer...changing by mindset and seeing myself as needing to be more unconditionally loving. I just have a hard time believing that a bad marriage should be a life sentence for spiritual reasons. As you can imagine, that aspect is suffering, too.

 

Things were better when we married. We were both putting our best fet forward and had a lot of social things to keep us busy. Now that that those distractions have disappeared, things have just slowly crumbled and all of our limitations have been exposed. He has personally stagnated; I have tried to better myself and plan for the future. i may try counseling myself and see if I can do anything to improve my perspective...

 

Our disagreements range from me nagging about the importance of paying bills on time to the need for adults (especially of his size) to bathe on a daily basis. Maybe I should be more tolerant, but I don’t think I should have to take on this maternal role as a spouse. I think he needs to do some emotional maturing, and I just don’t know how to foment that…

 

 

He doesn't wash?!

 

You are not taking on a 'maternal role as spouse'. The last time I checked the vows of a marriage said in "sickness and in health". Your husband is morbidly obese - he is sick. He has a child to look after and is killing himself through food.

 

Who is preparing the food for him? Who is buying the food for him? Does he buy and prepare it himself?

 

You are not the victim here your child is because your child is the only one incapable of doing something about the situation.

 

You say your husband is a good person. He wants to stay married. In that case he will do anything in order to keep the family unit together.

 

Has he tried a gastric band? There is something fundamentally wrong with a human being who gorges so much on food that they are killing themselves. He needs to get counselling and as a family you need to be following some kind of programme.

 

You need to sit down with your husband and explain that you are going to leave the marriage unless he does something about his weight and lifestyle. He is going to kill himself and leave his child fatherless. If he loves his child I am sure he will do whatever it takes to stay around for as long as he can.

 

Marriage is not two individuals living under one roof. You are both responsible for each other, to look after and cherish each other. It has nothing to do with a 'maternal role'.

 

Rather than play the victim, which you most certainly are not, start taking responsibility for the life you are living. Your husband is sick and needs your support right now. He has a food addiction which is compensation for some kind of deep issue in his life.

 

He is entirely responsible for doing something about his problems. If he chooses food over you and your child then there is nothing you can do. You are responsible for your role in the family, not his problems. If he is buying and preparing the food himself then there is nothing you can do.

 

Each partner in a marriage (and it is a partnership) is responsible for that marriage. Marriages fail when one or both stop investing or working on it.

 

If you've tried marriage guidance counselling then try again. Maybe that counsellor wasn't suitable for you both. Ask around and see if anyone you know can recommend one.

 

If you can't afford to buy family membership at the local leisure centre, do you have a park near you? Can you buy a Frisbee and play as a family? Do you have friends you can join for friendly games in the park? If your husband is too embarrassed by his weight can you get a treadmill for the home? If you cannot afford to buy one, can you borrow one from a friend? Lots of people buy them with good intentions and never use them, can you put up a free ad in the local classifieds?

 

Check our your church for family events and outings. The more stuff you do together as a family, the better the connection and the healthier your husband will become. More importantly, the happier your child will become.

 

The local town hall will have a bunch of stuff going on like group therapy, family events and exercise. Check out their notice board. If you cannot afford counselling then ask your doctor about free counselling in the local area or subsidised counselling. See if there is a local hiking group, dog walking group, walking group and join up as a family.

 

I feel nothing but compassion for a man who has such a low opinion of himself that he doesn't wash and is killing himself through food. He must be in a very bad way. It must be humiliating for him. I put on a lot of weight once through comfort eating and felt too embarrassed to go out and it becomes a vicious cycle which is why I suggested the treadmill. I'm sure he's a good person but feels powerless. He will get that hopefully, from a good counsellor. There are probably self help groups as well.

 

You asked for help in order to stay in the marriage and have a happy marriage. Here are some things to try:

 

Counselling

Individual counselling for each partner.

Marriage guidance counselling.

Family counselling.

 

Exercise

A family programme of healthy diet and exercise of at least three times a week.

Join the local leisure centre

Join a local walking or hiking group

See what activities you can do as a family in the local area

Join the local swimming pool

Take part in the local church events and outings

Buy/borrow a treadmill or exercise bike for the home

Go for a good long walk after your last meal in the evening

Join local sports groups like badminton, tennis, softball etc

 

Diet

Dont' buy any junk food for the home

Make sure you eat at least five different types of fresh fruit and vegetables a day

Drink plenty of fresh clean water and don't buy any soda

Eat wholegrain food: wholegrain pasta, rice, bread

Cut out red meat and eat fish and chicken

Steam and grill rather than fry

Change your milk to skimmed or half fat

Don't snack between meals

Keep a big bowl of fruit in arms reach where the family meet up most

Prepare your lunch for work every evening so you don't buy high fat sandwiches or processed food

 

Replace time spent watching TV with a family activity. In good weather you can go to the park for a walk or play a sport. In bad weather go to the local leisure centre. At weekends, go on a family hiking tour or join in with a local event.

 

This situation has become like this over a period of ten years so it isn't going to improve overnight. It's going to take strength and love to support each other as you make changes. There will be set backs but this isn't a sprint it's a marathon. (Which is another idea and great for goal setting. Can you raise money for a local cause by running a marathon? You give yourself whatever it takes to train, of course! Not like this weekend )

 

I really hope it works out for you

Edited April 4, 2011 by kbme311

[worldover98]

Hi Married Mom:

Wow, if you read some of my threads, it almost sounds like me. My wife, after 10 years of marriage too, seems content on our "sexless" marriage" which has gone on for over three years now( we've sexed about 6 times over these 3 years which experts consider "sexless").You said your hubby was too over weight? While I still find my wife beautiful, she has gained lots of weight beyond her once sexy voluptuous figure. It's her lack of "sex appeal" or having no gumption for being sexy which has killed our intimacy. Sounds like your hubby has no interest to do the same for you.

 

As I admitted on this forum to many unfavorable views, I have gone outside my marriage and had a fling here and there, nothing numerous or leading to what some call "an affair." ( My last fling was over 6 months ago and I'm climbing the walls too!) It was my choice and for my needs, not to get revenge or make my wife feel bad in any way. Life is about choices, some good, some not so good, and how we must weight their consequences according to our personal situations. No one here can tell you what to do. If you do go outside your marriage, there are risks. If you can find a willing partner who is independent, open minded, trustworthy, with whom you will not fall in love, and visa versa, and it's far from home, then discretion and infrequency is the key. I too feel like you that it's been 10 years and with kids a family unit is more important these days than ever. It's so simple to split, which is the norm these days.

 

Have you sought marriage counseling? We did but wifey did not seem open to changing her ways, where I was. Now we are just beginning more counseling with a new therapist.

 

Good Luck...

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Married Mom:

Wow, if you read some of my threads, it almost sounds like me. My wife, after 10 years of marriage too, seems content on our "sexless" marriage" which has gone on for over three years now( we've sexed about 6 times over these 3 years which experts consider "sexless").You said your hubby was too over weight? While I still find my wife beautiful, she has gained lots of weight beyond her once sexy voluptuous figure. It's her lack of "sex appeal" or having no gumption for being sexy which has killed our intimacy. Sounds like your hubby has no interest to do the same for you.

 

As I admitted on this forum to many unfavorable views, I have gone outside my marriage and had a fling here and there, nothing numerous or leading to what some call "an affair." ( My last fling was over 6 months ago and I'm climbing the walls too!) It was my choice and for my needs, not to get revenge or make my wife feel bad in any way. Life is about choices, some good, some not so good, and how we must weight their consequences according to our personal situations. No one here can tell you what to do. If you do go outside your marriage, there are risks. If you can find a willing partner who is independent, open minded, trustworthy, with whom you will not fall in love, and visa versa, and it's far from home, then discretion and infrequency is the key. I too feel like you that it's been 10 years and with kids a family unit is more important these days than ever. It's so simple to split, which is the norm these days.

 

Have you sought marriage counseling? We did but wifey did not seem open to changing her ways, where I was. Now we are just beginning more counseling with a new therapist.

 

Good Luck...

 

You called it affairs in your opening post on that thread.

 

 

Hi again OP, there is also laser therapy for refined carbohydrate dependency. I have heard that it has a high success rate. As well, obesity actually has a detrimental effect on the brain. (Change Your Brain, Change Your Body/ Daniel Amen) Morbid obesity is most likely not a moral or character problem as much as it is a physiological dependency.

[WutheringH]

This was far another thread.. but please read. You will atleast find it interesting. And it might save your marriage. It requires that old fashioned work however.

 

IF YOU HAVE ANY CONCERN ABOUT SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE MAKE A VOW TO TRY THE BELOW BEFORE GIVING UP! SCIENCE CAN AND WILL HELP YOU!

 

 

DANGEROUS DATES!!

1) Everyones heard of date nights and the such. However, its NOT enough. There was an interesting experiment done a while bac., A woman was asked to collect an equal number of phone numbers from males. This was done in two differing environments, one was a stable bridge over a small river the other a wobbly one high over a gorge. The numbers the woman collected from the wobbly bridge were FAR more likely to call her. Why? (no they weren't less attractive!) Well the basic premise is that novelty and adrenaline spark dopamine production in the brain as a natural response. To be on edge around your mate. Literally makes them more attractive.

 

Whilst it may not be your style. Activitys that stimulate this kind of response.. Shared time at an amusment park, mountain biking, rock climbing, working out or Salsa dancing for example. All will go someway to getting this 'buzz', the basic premise is that all this self expansion spills over into your affiliation with your SO and thus the 'buzz' translates to wanting your SO again.

 

BONDING BEHAVIOURS!

2) Whilst I hear you out on the intimacy thing. Again, wouldn't you really love to find your husband irresistable again? Arguably in your situation your sexuality and desire is linked to another man. Thus even your desire for intimacy is linked with the otherman. You need to get those Oxytocin levels flowing for your SO again. If you look at tamarins the amount of physical grooming and connection they have is amazing. They don't 'think' about doing this, its inate behaviour. Its outcome however is that Oxytocin levels stay high and they stay together.

 

Whilst you may not feel like being intimate right now. If you FORCE yourself to engage you will get those Oxytocin regulators up-regulating. Start small, hugs, massages etc. Then try actually gazing deep into each others eyes. Then proceed to sex. Gentle, long intercourse is best. Bonding behaviours need to be maintained. You can't just do it once and then declare it ineffective. Give it ATLEAST two months and it needs to be daily! Notice how all these activities come naturally when driven by desire. Desire drives you to be physical. However it is the actually physical acts that produce Oxytocin Regardless of premeditated levels of desire. (hence one nights stands often spark REALLY wanting the other both emotionally and physically) Oxytocin is like natures glue. Its what bonds mothers to their children and activly promotes empathy, love and that sense of connection. This is the stuff of deep love.

Talking things out does nothing to stimulate Oxytocin, physical touch will effect you on a subconcious level and then your desire and thoughts in the concious will gradually begin to reflect this. This is why so many sex therapist tell woman and men to activly engage with sex even if they don't feel like it. Even if the therapists often don't understand the mechanics behind it they've noticed the corellation that it has a positive overspill.

 

COLERIDGE EFFECT!

3). Now this is a bit more controversial, but bare with me. I don't know if you know of the Coleridge effect but I'll give a little explaination. Scientists yonks ago observed that if you put a rat in a cage with a female and the male mated. It would do the deed, then refuse to mate again. Instinctively choosing to conserve energy and feed as being the more important biological necssities to carry out. A rat can't 'think' but its mind and body instinctively know its passed its genetic material onto that female.

 

However, immediently aftet mating if the scientists swapped females the male was randy as ever and priority number 1. Was to pass those genes on again. The science being, that rest and feeding come second in the ball game of nature to lust and the desire to pass those genes on. You could say everytime a new rat was presented, it fell in love all over again. Funnily enough one of the most common occurences of Humans recently falling in Love is increased energy, lowered appetite and increased creativity. This was startling for me to read as i distinctly remember falling in love for the first time in school. Suddenly lunch at lunch time didn't matter my priority was finding HER. Endless evenings in bed talking till the small hours of the morning, sleep didn't exist. In between school days i suddenly found myself creating all manner of art,drawing, music production etc. Everybody observes these behaviours but only recently have we found the science behind it. The drive to love is energy. The poets where only doing what came naturally.

 

Back to the rats.. The male rat if presented with an ever changing group of females in captivity would actually almost mate himself to death. No suprises here, the drive to create life (love) is just as important if not more then maintaining life. This shouldn't come as a suprise as humans have killed themselves over infatuation gone awry for years..

 

Heres the interesting stuff however. When mateing is complete with the individual and orgasm has occured the male losses interest. A rat dosn't 'think' it just happens. Thus its lead many people to speculate that Orgasm actually has some negative side effects. In its aftermath it creates sexual distance and lack of interest. This can expressed via humans in a mass of forms on all levels of the relationship.. Males rolling over and going to sleep for instance. Remember Sex equals feelings of love in natures terms. We love so we reproduce. No matter how philispohical you want to get. Now when orgasm occurs in both sexs a massive spike of pleasure occurs (Your friend Dopamine again there). However directly after a hugh amount of Prolactin rises in the blood stream. This is whats responable for the lack of sexual desire towards your mate in the aftermath.

What you don't relise is that after a single orgams it takes the brain two weeks to return to having a normal hormonal balance and thus a 'normal' libido and sexual desire towards your mate.

 

So my suggestion. If you actually get around to having sex with your husband. Lay off trying to orgasm if you usually do. This my seem counterintuitive to the western sense of sex. Aka goal driven towards orgasm. But you may find yourself suprisingly desiring the touch and 'presence' of your husband more, because sexual tension won't die with the orgasm.

 

Lastly. If you watch porn in any extreme fashion. DON'T!! Your actually laying down neural pathways and streghtening them. Solely to associate what your seeing with sexuality and desire. I can't even begin to explain the the number of Japanese men that currently appear to have NO interest in a physical member of the opposite sex because the cultures obsession with the net has conditioned men to associate sex and arousal with the extreme side of things via an unbridled and extreme porn industry. ANY normal female simply dosn't do it for them anymore.

 

On a side note to any other woman readers if your man suffers with E.D this is a good area to look into. He may not even make the connection as to what hes doing to himself.

 

Spiceing it up too much in the bedroom could actually be counterintuitive to what any couples end game is. ie long term love. The moral being that nature dosn't play by the rules of human ideals and desires.

 

Its a battle. A huge part of human nature wants us to go screw the next person. Its fun. I imagine at one point your husband was a whole load of fun for you and you did have an emotional connection despite what you might keep in your concious now. Other wise you would never have got together in the first place.

[gaius]

Refined carbohydrate dependency? Wow, they will come up with any terminology to make a buck off bad behavior.

 

Your husband is an addict, if he valued your relationship more then the chemical release he gets every time he has a sandwich then he wouldn't be morbidly obese, plain and simple. You can't have any kind of healthy, spiritual relationship with an addict. You will always be the other woman to his real lover, food.

 

It sounds like you have been an amazingly patient and devoted wife dealing with all these issues as long as you have. Only he has the power to change himself though, and he has made clear through all your efforts that he has no interest in doing so. Staying with him will just teach your child that they should expect and accept that kind of dysfunction in their own relationships when fully grown. You deserve better for yourself as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

Refined carbohydrate dependency? Wow, they will come up with any terminology to make a buck off bad behavior.

 

Your husband is an addict, if he valued your relationship more then the chemical release he gets every time he has a sandwich then he wouldn't be morbidly obese, plain and simple. You can't have any kind of healthy, spiritual relationship with an addict. You will always be the other woman to his real lover, food.

 

It sounds like you have been an amazingly patient and devoted wife dealing with all these issues as long as you have. Only he has the power to change himself though, and he has made clear through all your efforts that he has no interest in doing so. Staying with him will just teach your child that they should expect and accept that kind of dysfunction in their own relationships when fully grown. You deserve better for yourself as well.

 

Having a dependency does not mean that you get a free ticket, it means that you have to take more responsibility with your judgment impaired...fun.

[StoneCold]

overweight, doesn't bathe, mentally sluggish.

 

 

could he be depressed? not that that changes your own challenges but at least we may know what the problem is. You still may have to leave but I understand that its not the easiest thing to do when you're settled in with kids.

 

Have thoughts of an affair crossed our mind?

[betterdeal]

Why are you with him?

[OldOnTheInside]

Why are you with him?

 

Have you read her previous thread? From what I got, this seems like a marriage of financial and social convenience. I could be wrong though.

 

To the OP, there is no real way to magically become attracted to this man. I mean, you find him physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually repulsive. You've told him that you're unattracted to him and he has refused to change, you can't force him to become something he isn't. You simply don't connect with each other on a personal level. I don't see how MC or IC will change this.

 

Btw, does your child have any mental disablilities or psychological disorders? How old is he/them?

 

It is selfish and unhealthy to martyr yourself for your child or you husband's feelings. I feel like this is one of the reasons why you are staying.

 

As many other posters have said, divorce seems like the healthiest solution overall, though judging by the progress of your last thread you are unwilling to go through with this. If you do decide to get a divorce, there are quite a few websites that you can go to for advice on how to support you child(ren) through the process.

 

Seems like you're just afraid of change...

[StoneCold]

Why are you with him?

 

It is selfish and unhealthy to martyr yourself for your child or you husband's feelings. I feel like this is one of the reasons why you are staying.

 

......Seems like you're just afraid of change...

 

Guys it may not be this simple....

 

You dont just up and say.... "I'm out".

 

Just because someone is dragging their ass with it; it doesnt necessarily mean they are affraid of change or interested in being some sort of a martyr. In as much as you know that divorce is the better end destination; it is still a painful process that circulates between the head and the heart like a nasty cyclone with many things flying around like fear, doubt, what ifs... you name it. You'll get there but on your own time....you just hope you have the strength to make it sooner than later.

 

This is how affairs happen...whether you agree with the idea of an affair or not....its hard to pull the divorce trigger and even if you can do it in a relatively short time (under a year) your needs are NOW.

 

To the OP...sorry but I'm not seeing a future here (but I could be wrong....odder things have happened). Just ensure you take care of yourself and whatever it is you decide make sure you put proper thought into it and approach it with a rational head.

 

Sorry but thats about all I can tell you. You're going to have to work through this on your own as only you know your situation the best...all we can be is an avenue to vent and let it out.

Edited April 11, 2011 by StoneCold

[OldOnTheInside]

Guys it may not be this simple....

 

You dont just up and say.... "I'm out".

 

Just because someone is dragging their ass with it; it doesnt necessarily mean they are affraid of change or interested in being some sort of a martyr. In as much as you know that divorce is the better end destination; it is still a painful process that circulates between the head and the heart like a nasty cyclone with many things flying around like fear, doubt, what ifs... you name it. You'll get there but on your own time....you just hope you have the strength to make it sooner than later.

 

This is how affairs happen...whether you agree with the idea of an affair or not....its hard to pull the divorce trigger and even if you can do it in a relatively short time (under a year) your needs are NOW.

 

To the OP...sorry but I'm not seeing a future here (but I could be wrong....odder things have happened). Just ensure you take care of yourself and whatever it is you decide make sure you put proper thought into it and approach it with a rational head.

 

Sorry but thats about all I can tell you. You're going to have to work through this on your own as only you know your situation the best...all we can be is an avenue to vent and let it out.

 

Oh, I agree. I never said divorce is an easy process.

 

As an afterthought, do you think you have self-esteem or co-dependency issues OP? I think therapy or IC would benefit you greatly. Just focus on yourself and your son for now. You know yourself better than anyone here...

Edited April 11, 2011 by OldOnTheInside