Update- I told the W and MM not angry

[Jessica232]

Do you really think, if he ever actually gets divorced and is with you, that he will treat you with any more respect than he treated his W?

 

He's not "struggling greatly" with trying to do the right thing. He is telling his wife what she wants to hear to keep his marriage intact (that he won't have any contact with you). He is telling you exactly what you want to hear so that you'll keep seeing him and talking to him.

 

He may be the greatest player out there.

 

Yes, 100% I believe he would treat me with respect. He does now (despite opinions here that he doesn't, I feel he does), and our relationship would be entirely different than his marriage.

 

And yes, he's probably telling his wife what she wants to hear, but you're wrong in that he is certainly NOT telling me what I'd like to hear. I know this may be hard to believe on this forum, but MM is HONEST with me. Always has been.

 

And saying he may be the greatest player out there is hilarious. But I'm not laughing at you, I know you don't know us personally. It's just that the thought of, if you actually knew him, you would crack up at that statement. He's definitely definitely not a player. He's been with three women his entire life.

[Jessica232]

I doubt it!!, or they would be having sex.

 

It does sound to me like he is really struggling.

 

I do believe people can struggle with whether to leave a marriage. People are human - most people aren't monsters or saints, but somewhere in the middle, with a bit of both.

 

Whether it's good for Jessica [or him] for the affair to continue in any form is a separate question. But I don't believe at all that he's just playing her. [if anything it came off like she was playing him earlier - now, no.] He is honestly struggling to do the right thing & that's why I'm advising Jessica that if she loves him she should give him space to figure it out.

 

 

Bingo!! There is NO physical contact now....except for hugs. My decision AND his. We aren't even about sex. We never were.

[Summer Breeze]

Jessica-hello from the other side! I understand everything you're saying.

 

I was with xMM for close to 3 years and he was/is the love of my life. He has an adult child that will always be dependent on the family, in essence will never grow up, so he will not leave the home. He was clear on that stance when we started getting closer. I accepted it. He never lied to me and he never spoke ill of his wife. They had grown apart after 30 years of M but wouldn't end it because of the situation.

 

Cut past that to the middle and end. I dated the whole time we were together and he hated it. I never used it to manipulate him but it was something he struggled with on a daily basis. He never asked me to stop and I wouldn't have. I would have prefered to spend all of my time with him but that wasn't how our R was built. So we would have holidays and weekends away and days out together but if I wanted to meet someone for drinks of have a pizza and dvd night in then it was with others I was dating. Several times he asked me if I knew how it made him feel. I said that's just what I'm avoiding by seeing other people.

 

I loved being in an R with him. I wouldn't change it for the world and he is one of the people I love and respect most in the world. If he knocked on my door and was divorced I wouldn't hesitate to take him back. He was honest and respectful to me. I know he wasn't to his W but that is their R not ours. We had multiple ddays and she chose to stay so she allowed him to treat her that way. I didn't-she and I are two very different people and what she'd accept I'd send packing. I had no concern for his W either. I don't think it's harsh because it's his job to protect his M. I didn't chase him and before it started I told him how I felt when my xH did the same to me. I told him I could easily turn away and that if he ever did I would never chase him down. His choice in how to treat her was his. Period. When I was a BS the OW never mattered to me because my xH was the one who had the A. I know not everyone agrees with me and that's fine you don't have to. I'm fine with it.

 

I'm a few years beyond our end now. I ended it while we were at our strongest and closest. No drama and no second thoughts. I was ready to end it as I've ended other Rs in my life.

 

I understand everything you're saying about love and about keeping your life going. I see some OW on here who drown in thier As. It's because they lose themselves and I would imagine they probably lose themselves in any R. I have a very strong sense of myself and don't give it up for anyone. If you don't lose yourself you'll see when the time is right to walk away but that is true in any R.

 

You set your boundaries for your R and he'll set his for his M-that's his job. You keep yourself firmly planted in YOUR life as he is firmly planted in HIS. What happens happens. Good luck.

[26pointblue]

Hi Jessica, I understand where you're at. It's good that you're being honest with yourself. I'm not in the best position to give advice but I am here if you need to talk.

[Jessica232]

Jessica-hello from the other side! I understand everything you're saying.

 

I was with xMM for close to 3 years and he was/is the love of my life. He has an adult child that will always be dependent on the family, in essence will never grow up, so he will not leave the home. He was clear on that stance when we started getting closer. I accepted it. He never lied to me and he never spoke ill of his wife. They had grown apart after 30 years of M but wouldn't end it because of the situation.

 

Cut past that to the middle and end. I dated the whole time we were together and he hated it. I never used it to manipulate him but it was something he struggled with on a daily basis. He never asked me to stop and I wouldn't have. I would have prefered to spend all of my time with him but that wasn't how our R was built. So we would have holidays and weekends away and days out together but if I wanted to meet someone for drinks of have a pizza and dvd night in then it was with others I was dating. Several times he asked me if I knew how it made him feel. I said that's just what I'm avoiding by seeing other people.

 

I loved being in an R with him. I wouldn't change it for the world and he is one of the people I love and respect most in the world. If he knocked on my door and was divorced I wouldn't hesitate to take him back. He was honest and respectful to me. I know he wasn't to his W but that is their R not ours. We had multiple ddays and she chose to stay so she allowed him to treat her that way. I didn't-she and I are two very different people and what she'd accept I'd send packing. I had no concern for his W either. I don't think it's harsh because it's his job to protect his M. I didn't chase him and before it started I told him how I felt when my xH did the same to me. I told him I could easily turn away and that if he ever did I would never chase him down. His choice in how to treat her was his. Period. When I was a BS the OW never mattered to me because my xH was the one who had the A. I know not everyone agrees with me and that's fine you don't have to. I'm fine with it.

 

I'm a few years beyond our end now. I ended it while we were at our strongest and closest. No drama and no second thoughts. I was ready to end it as I've ended other Rs in my life.

 

I understand everything you're saying about love and about keeping your life going. I see some OW on here who drown in thier As. It's because they lose themselves and I would imagine they probably lose themselves in any R. I have a very strong sense of myself and don't give it up for anyone. If you don't lose yourself you'll see when the time is right to walk away but that is true in any R.

 

You set your boundaries for your R and he'll set his for his M-that's his job. You keep yourself firmly planted in YOUR life as he is firmly planted in HIS. What happens happens. Good luck.

 

Thank you for replying.... I just knew there were other women like me out there! I'm glad you're doing well.

[Jessica232]

Hi Jessica, I understand where you're at. It's good that you're being honest with yourself. I'm not in the best position to give advice but I am here if you need to talk.

 

 

Thanks....I appreciate the support!!