Torn in Texas!

[tornintexas]

I’ve been reading this forum for a while and I know the story has been played again and again, but here is mine for your consumption. I’m just looking for feedback and suggestions.

 

We have been together since middle school and married in our early twenties we are 31 and 34 now. Early in our relationship when we got engaged she cheated on me with some of our friends and I cheated on her while I was away working on the road. We called off the engagement but eventually swept it under the rug and got married anyway. Well the first 11 years of our marriage had its ups and downs. I was excessively controlling and paranoid she was going to cheat on me again and it caused much pain on both sides. I was also a jerk and isolated from most people especially men and had very few friends in my life.

 

She has worked some during our marriage but mostly she has been the stay at home mom for our three kids while I worked to support us. She has never been a really great housewife, the house is usually dirty and I have to take care of the bills, yards chores, and cooking. I know it sounds cliché and you hear many men on here complaining of that scenario but it’s the truth. About a year ago it got really bad and she stopped everything: started ignoring the kids, the house, and me almost completely. She slept most of the day and was always sad. She had a few doctors over the years treat her for mild depression but it was never really bad, but this time it was a lot worse.

 

I called a psychiatrist made her an appointment then gave her an ultimatum, GO or leave! See went to the appointment and shortly thereafter was diagnosed with depression. The drugs prescribed to her made a great improvement along with some heavy duty counseling. Shortly after this she began to return to a better place in life. Also this was the first time she had visited a true psychiatrist and the level of metal health care was much better than an average family doctor.

 

Here is where several things started happening at ounce in our relationship. Remember that traveling job I mention in the beginning well I still have it and every few years have some travel to do. I was assigned on a long contract in a very remote place for four months. We had a lot of time apart with me only being home every three weeks for a few days at a time. During our time apart I realized that my behavior was part of her problem and I really tried to reach out to her and talk about our sins of the past which were always swept under the rug.

 

We spent hours on the phone talking I truly forgave her past infidelity and started talking to me about her feelings. It changed me, liberated me, I began looking at myself and didn’t like what I saw. I started changing to a healthy life of eating right and working out. I lost weight and I’m in the best shape of my life. I also started making friends and reconnecting with old ones. She started venturing out and making friends, going to school again, and we basically started dating each other again as well. I left behind old jealousies and learned to cope with my emotions in a productive way.

 

But here is where it comes back to a problem and our golden marital recover ends. She also started going out alone with friends, getting drunk and trying to re-capture her lost twenty-something’s. She made a few male friends and formed an emotional attachment too them, ie talking to them regularly about life, stress, relationships, and such. She is flirtatious with them but none of them are physical relationships, and ironically one of them is one of my old friends I just reconnected with myself. While this is not one of the friends from her infidelity prior to our marriage it still makes me uncomfortable. When I voice my feelings of discomfort she accuses me of being jealous or just gets mad and stops having meaningful discussions with me for days.

 

Remember that counselor I told you about well she helped my wife dig up many old resentments about me and our relationship, but she quite going to counseling right after that so now she has this load of old anger she is carrying around. She is unsure if she can ever forgive me for the first 11 years of our marriage, and she is reaching out to other men toying with emotional relationships beyond the friendly platonic kind. She still shares her feelings with me about current problems we have and at times they are heavily revisioned and one-sided views reflecting her bias. If I try to share my views or feelings about the same issue well then I’m attacking her or at least I’m accused of it. So everything is either my fault and I have to apologize or I’m attacking her emotionally. I’ve adopted the stance of quietly listening and not confirming or disagreeing with her but that takes it’s emotional toll on me as well.

 

Speaking of the past and the resentments she has I don’t quite know what they are because she doesn’t want to talk about them, but I can understand why some are there. I’ve always been blessed with a good job and have provided a nice standard of living, supported her family when they were in need, we aren’t rich but my salary let’s her have the option to not work. I NEVER would even think of striking her, and I seldom raise my voice to yell but we have had some shouting matches over the years. I know that I was a: controlling, emotionally manipulative, jealous person for years. I didn’t like going out to bars or clubs and did not like spending time with friends other than family and I hated meeting new people. It know now I was trying to control her life to suit my needs and realize that it is a bad thing. I had fears and jealousies that she would find another man and leave me or sleep around on me at the least so I did a lot of manipulation to control our environment carefully. I am so sorry for that and have an immense sense of loss for wasting so many years of our lives living that way.

 

She has also become more assertive which is good and bad. She stopped letting her family walk over her and she started pushing back when they all disagreed. She has a very large family. She also adopted the attitude that if people don’t like her they way she is they can just leave and that goes for me too. Remember how I said she never cleaned house well she still doesn’t clean house and now has stopped cooking almost completely. She hasn’t been in school for the past few months and basically sits around the house watching TV, and if I don’t like it then I can leave. She does have plans to start school again soon and she may begin working again but she isn’t sure. She isn’t sure she can forgive me for the past and she is not sure she can stay with me. She recently told me we shouldn't have gotten married we could have both been a lot happier in life. I disagreed.

 

I’ve changed my entire personality for the better. I’ve been patient for a long time and while it’s been bumpy I’m still here. I love her deeply and truly and do many things in life now to show her that, but it doesn’t seem like enough and that is the root of my dilemma. I feel like I can’t wait forever and frankly the emotional turmoil of always being in limbo is draining me emotionally as well. While our current state is not extreme, it is not healthy for us or the children either. I love her and want her to be happy and I want our kids to have a stable home. I want to be happy too and I want it to be with her, but if she can’t move past our history or move on from our relationship I feel I will have to make the choice and it’s tearing me up.

 

I’ve gotten her help. I’ve given her space. I’ve forgiven her for the past and moved on from it. I’ve been truly open in my communications with her. My actions speak my love as well as my words. We have a couples counseling session this week and she wants to go so I’m taking that as a sign to not give up yet.

 

There are other complications which I've not talked about but I've been long winded enough and this short biography is the jist of my story.

[tornintexas]

Well the saga has ended. She was having an affair and I was a fool for too long! I confronted her on the affair and she admitted it after I played the recording I made of her banging her boy-toy. Apparently the affair had been going on for a long time too. I ended our marriage yesterday and have started our divorce. She left me with the house and kids because she "just can't stand the married life anymore".

 

Even with all of **** she has put me through I still feel the pull to make a last ditch attempt to work it out with her or at least try. I refuse too though and I'm switching into NC mode and focusing on the kids.

[BlindRage]

Wait.. Work it out? Work out what?! It's good you left her, good job! Be strong now, don't show her any sympathy (it's not being shown to you nor will it be returned). Stay with your kids. They are right now what should matter to you the most. Don't degrade yourself by staying with someone who has no respect or love for you -lets not forget the CHEATING-.

 

She doesn't want a married life? Good for her. Let her fend off on other means to an end.

 

She isn't worth it.

[robf1971]

. She left me with the house and kids because she "just can't stand the married life anymore".

.

 

Hmm you are one of the lucky one's my friend, no worries about court battles over custody or the house. You will get over this in time... let your STBXw enjoy her new life.

[2.50 a gallon]

She abandoned you, the kids, and the house

 

Get her to sign them papers and don't even think of letting her back.

 

Even if she comes back when the OM dumps her, and I have no doubt that he will

[tornintexas]

It was a productive day today. We agreed it was going to be an amicable divorce with only one lawyer involved to file the paperwork for us. She just wants to go be single a for a while and is giving me everything. Kids, House, assets she only took the vehicle that she normally drove anyway. How can somebody walk away from a loving husband and three small kids is beyond me.

 

I agreed to three months of spousal support totaling $1800. She is going to school for nursing and will be out in 13 months. She plans to get a night job and move in with a girl friend. The OM has already moved on to another married woman from what I've heard, but STBXW is too blinded to realize she is getting dumped by him. I know the OM he was a pretty good friend of mine at one time.

 

I get the kids, the house, and she agreed to pay child support after her graduation. We also settled all of the other items such as girlfriend/boyfriends around the kids, visitation, college fund, assets, liabilities. I have it all on paper and documented with a video recording of the signing. We are going to the lawyer together to make it official.

 

I also had her go to the bank with me and we took her off all of the accounts and she had to open her own. I took her house keys and garage door openers. I'm in the process of changing the locks.

 

I can tell the NC and 180 is starting to work on her a bit. She made a couple of attempts to probe my thoughts. I have been completely non-emotional and just being practical about the events unfolding. I even told her I was kinda looking forward to being single. She even tried to touch me ounce and I recoiled from her touch. She damn near started crying but soon fell back into her emotionally distant mode.

 

It hurts like hell still and I'm very emotional at night. I've lost almost 11 lbs so far and I'm taking sleeping pills to get to sleep.

 

I will survive this, and be stronger from it!

[silverton]

Contragulations on facing all of this. It looks like you've done what many of us would like to do ourselves in a similiar situation but somehow, sometimes can not. Do you have friends or family that can help you during this difficult time? What about attractions or "weak spots" that you feel towards her or are you over these? In my case, I think after all this time that it'd be hard to rebuild my life, and I'd automatically consider things from the view of the partnership.

[tornintexas]

Do you have friends or family that can help you during this difficult time?

Not really but the kids are going to visit both sets of grandparents this summer for an extended period. So that helps with the short term difficulties. The grandparents live practically next to each other several hours away from me. We are not telling they kids until the return latter in the summer

 

What about attractions or "weak spots" that you feel towards her or are you over these?

Hell yeah I still have a problem with this but frankly she has hurt me for the last time. Those emotions are being successfully masked in her presence. She is still attractive to me and frankly if she came back begging for forgiveness and showing true repentance I would probably break. But her heart and mind is still in the fog and it's pointless for me to try. Edited May 30, 2011 by tornintexas

[tornintexas]

Today I dropped off the check for the lawyer and filled out a questionnaire for our divorce. I also gave the lawyer the signed documents that we created earlier in the week laying out the divorce. They are going to turn it into a divorce decree and we should be able to sign the finished document Thursday.

 

On another topic STBXW has been over at the house this afternoon help with the kids. She wants to act like there is no problem acting cheerful and quite frankly happiest I've seen her in years. I know it's a front.

 

Went to the doctor today and got a short prescription for anxiety pills and sleeping pills. I've had pretty severe insomnia since this has started.

[Mauschen]

Hang in there. In time, things will get better for you regarding the anxiety and insomnia. It sounds like you wife is not putting up much of a fight with the divorce - consider yourself lucky!

[tornintexas]

I'm 34 and I've already grieved the death of 6 family members and 2 friends in my life. I have some understanding of grief and how it effects me but frankly this has been worse than any thing so far and it was the first time in my life I've asked a doctor for some happy pills. They have helped tremendously! I'm usually a pretty even keel kinda guy.

 

As far as I'm concerned my relationship with her is over with. I don't want it to be but her heart is not in it. I'm trying to detach my self from the anxieties of worrying about where she is or what she is doing. That is the toughest thing for me at the moment. Also I have bouts of intense anger at night when I try to sleep, they mostly revolve around the OM and I know it was because he was a close friend. I dream of hurting him and killing and I have a session schedule with a counselor next week to work on these issues. I would never actually carry though with my dreams but they are hurting my health so I must deal with them.

[TheFamilyMan]

keep yourself busy with different activities, etc. and try to avoid thinking about her as much as possible. Start looking at your future and figure out a direction you want to head in and set some goals and work towards them, that will keep you busy and remember there's no better medicine than time! Keep your head up!

[tornintexas]

She came over tonight to get some stuff and talk to the kids. They still don't know and we have been telling them mommy is working alot. The kids will be going to the grandparents house for summer break so we are waiting until after that to break the news.

 

I've been reading "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot in particular I really studied the section she has on NC. Without me asking STBXW told me tonight that she was putting her relationship on hold with the OM and told him their relationship would not take off again unless he got a job and was self sufficient with his own place.

 

She also told me she hoped we could be friends in the furture but she wanted to go out on her on and make her own life without anybody telling her how to live it. I kept listening as she listed out all of the positive things happening for her like getting her school paid for since she was separated now.

 

She told me she had been writing down some of her thoughts that she could not tell me face to face and that she still had feelings somewhere inside but she just did not want to be married. She wanted to give me those papers one day.

 

When she was done I very softly and politely told her that maybe we could be friends one day but not anytime soon. I asked her to limit her contact with me to strictly getting stuff from the house, kids, or divorce info. I told her that it was good she got rid of the leech as he was only going to drain her. I also told her that she could keep the papers and burn them that I did not need them anymore and I would cope on my on. I did not do any of this in a bitter tone or sour manner it was very polite and almost friendly. I also told her I was cleaning her and her family out of my Facebook to make for a clean break, it was not to be mean or petty but that I wanted to make a clean break. She said she understood and looked almost emotional. We agreed to meet at the lawyers office tomorrow to sign the paper work.

 

Yes it still hurts like hell and yes if she showed true remorse my wall would break but I will not be a door mat. I felt she was testing me to see what my emotional state was and I stood the test.

Edited June 2, 2011 by tornintexas

[tornintexas]

Was hungry for the first time today in 6 days.

[GorillaTheater]

Torn, no advice from me, because you have as good a handle on this as anyone I've seen. Merely kudos for handling what may well be the most traumatic event of your life so well, and sympathy for having to go through it in the first place.

 

Strength and honor.

[sally4sara]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks when someone has the power to turn your life upside down, you trust them not to and let go of the worry only to have them do exactly what you trusted them to not do.

 

It sounds to me like she isn't done riding the depression train. She got far enough in her treatment to get pulled up out of the doldrums part, but didn't finish the job. So she is stuck in maintaining the manic feel good part most experience immediately after pulling away from the soul crushing depressive part. Not finishing the job will likely lead to all the feel good situations spiraling out of her control and her crashing right back down over it only without you and the kids by her side. She associates the depression part with you and married life instead of the harder to alter unattended issues within herself. So scared to go back to that depressive state, she is avoiding what she has associated those bad feeling with - you and the kids.

 

Keep your head up and focus on your relationship with your kids and yourself. Some people need to run it into the ground to realize whats going on before they can really get better.

[tornintexas]

So she is stuck in maintaining the manic feel good part most experience immediately after pulling away from the soul crushing depressive part.

 

Sally I think you hit it right on the head. I was never able to verbalize what I felt but you did it exquisitely. It describes much of her actions for the past year almost like you where here. I do not subscribe to the folly that her depression was an excuse for her actions but it does allow for more understanding on my side.

[tornintexas]

Well we set down today in front of my lawyer and worked through the official paper work for our divorce decree. She signed a waiver on her right to be served and we worked through the decree in about an hour. We settled everything including custody, child support, college, and numerous other items which are standard in divorces.

 

I get child support starting one year from now and I pay spousal support for three months starting now. I have primary custody and she gets standard visitation. We will review and sign the decree in about three days. Fifty-nine days from today I will be divorced.

[tornintexas]

I messed up today and I'm paying the price in pain and heartache. We rode to the lawyer's office together and back to my house together. On the way back we talked about the past and I laid it out the way Sally put it in a previous post. She cried a little and said that was exactly the way she felt.

 

She has started counseling again at her school and she feels that it was a mistake to stop the first time early last year. She spent the afternoon with the kids but late in the evening she text me "wanna eat with us". I should have resisted but I just could not do it. I went to the restaurant and we watched the kids playeand had idle chatter. She got ready to leave tonight and was very conflicted after tucking the kids in. We where sitting in the garage as she was smoking a cigerrette before leaving. I could see the pain on her face and I asked if she had conflicted feelings. She said she did but could not talk to me about them but one day soon. I said "I was sorry she was hurting, but it tore my soul for her leave here to the arms of another man". BOOM!!!! Her wall was back up and she said "I have to go"!

 

I knew it would hurt if I let her look through a crack in my wall and boy did it hurt. I've conflicted myself at the moment but thankfully I have a long trip back to our hometown this weekend so no more chances for me to slip up in her presence. I REFUSE TO BE A DOORMAT and it's not a pride thing. If I played the doormat and did manage to get her back we would be back in the same exact situation again.

 

She has to have true remorse before I can even think of letting her near my heart again, but her mind and soul is nowhere near that so divorce it is and I HATE IT because I still love her so deeply.

 

Sorry I know I'm all over the place with my recent post but these are my emotions and frankly this type of thing will make even the sanest of people crazy for a while.

[Steen719]

I messed up today and I'm paying the price in pain and heartache. We rode to the lawyer's office together and back to my house together. On the way back we talked about the past and I laid it out the way Sally put it in a previous post. She cried a little and said that was exactly the way she felt.

 

She has started counseling again at her school and she feels that it was a mistake to stop the first time early last year. She spent the afternoon with the kids but late in the evening she text me "wanna eat with us". I should have resisted but I just could not do it. I went to the restaurant and we watched the kids playeand had idle chatter. She got ready to leave tonight and was very conflicted after tucking the kids in. We where sitting in the garage as she was smoking a cigerrette before leaving. I could see the pain on her face and I asked if she had conflicted feelings. She said she did but could not talk to me about them but one day soon. I said "I was sorry she was hurting, but it tore my soul for her leave here to the arms of another man". BOOM!!!! Her wall was back up and she said "I have to go"!

 

I knew it would hurt if I let her look through a crack in my wall and boy did it hurt. I've conflicted myself at the moment but thankfully I have a long trip back to our hometown this weekend so no more chances for me to slip up in her presence. I REFUSE TO BE A DOORMAT and it's not a pride thing. If I played the doormat and did manage to get her back we would be back in the same exact situation again.

 

She has to have true remorse before I can even think of letting her near my heart again, but her mind and soul is nowhere near that so divorce it is and I HATE IT because I still love her so deeply.

 

Sorry I know I'm all over the place with my recent post but these are my emotions and frankly this type of thing will make even the sanest of people crazy for a while.

 

Torn,

We are all crazy sometime. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try and have a good weekend and sing loud in the car!!!

Christine

[tornintexas]

Bad luck must be sitting on my shoulder. Yesterday as I was getting ready for the trip home my car broke down. I left it in a parking lot and walked to a rental car shop nearby. Rented the smallest thing they had and left my car out there.

 

Also STBXW wanted to see the kids before they left for the summer so on my way out of town I stopped by for them too all say goodbye.

 

I think it's sinking in what she has done at least mentally that is. Basically I have primary custody and she has standard visitation. Which amounts to 6 days a month and 1 month per summer. She also has to pay child support and supply health care or re-imburse it after she gets on her feet in a year. We will split all out of pocket expenses for medical.

 

I went out and found the most equitable lawyer I could. Most of them wanted me to go adversarial and fight her on everything. The lawyer we have says that divorces can be civil if people can compromise. She told us both what's normal and fair and what the courts normal decide in these situations. She laid out a fair contract and frankly that is exactly what I asked her to do. I did not want to tug-o-war the kids for the next 10 years.

 

So back to our visit at her school. She told me she was scared I was going to find a new wife that would strictly enforce the visitation rules and she would effectively loose her kids. She also told me she was ANGRY that I drug her through that lawyer process yesterday and that I'm pushing for a divorce. SHE IS THE ONE DOING ALL OF THIS. I've asked her to return. I've told her there is forgiveness in me. SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED OUT! I spent a year of my life trying to make her happy as her depression spiraled out of control. I am a strong man, most people call me a leader, I manage people for a living and I make high stress decision on the fly. But this woman can turn my heart to jelly and make me witless.

 

She told me she still had feelings for me but just could not bring her self to show them like I wanted her too. She said she was sorry but her apologies are like she's apologizing for eating my breakfast not destroying the lives of her family. She is still pressing forward with getting her own place and she says she will complete the divorce uncontested.

 

Did I move too quick on the divorce? It still comes into my mind that I'm pushing too hard. Frankly though the affair was the final straw after a year of emotional torture. Yesterday's ride back to our hometown was the longest

14 hours of my life and I really do not remember any of the drive.

 

I must force myself into NC and stay there but it seems impossible. I also need to do a better job on the 180. I was just starting to recover just a little but the events of the last couple of days make it feel new and very painful again.

 

Every fiber of my body wants to HATE her but I just can not bring myself to do it. I look back on our life and think of the memories like: the first time we met, the day I proposed, our wedding memories and our honeymoon, our first place together, and all of the travels we did, the birth of our children and bringing them home. and watching them grow from babies to children. She wants to throw all of that away to see what single feels like. I SHOULD HATE HER for destroying our lives but I just can not do it.

Edited June 4, 2011 by tornintexas

[tornintexas]

The kids are with their grandparents now and will be for the next three months. Since the separation the kids have always been my immediate responsibility and now they are safely into their summer activities with family.

 

Tomorrow I begin the long trek back to Texas. Since I was 17 years old I've always had my STBXW in my life or in the recent years I've had the kids to care for.

 

Tonight, this very moment is the loneliest point of my life. I can feel the blackness creeping into my soul and right now I don't care.

[tornintexas]

Much better today, thank you for asking. Had a very long drive back to Texas. One thing long drives are good for is contemplation. I looked back on the previous couple years of my life and realize how miserable they where. I actually feel a little excited at the prospect of freedom from what ounce was.

 

Lonely is a new sensation for me and frankly it sucks. But now that I look at it with a new light I realize I've been at some level of alone for quite some time.

 

My STBWX did not just change over night it was a slow gradual process complicated by mental instability and accompanying meds. When her first round of serious depression set in she just went completely dark: Mind, Body, and Soul. After coming out of that she came back but it felt weird like something was changed a little and she was distant. I lost her Mind at that time. She did not fully check back in on our marriage and I feel from that point on she was just going through the motions but she was not participating in it. She also began saying one thing and doing another. This is when she was saying she wanted to make our marriage work but was doing things that worked directly against it, like partying a lot and drinking way too much, going out alone. I think she still loved me and me alone at that time. We where still having great sex and when things where right they where great. We still shared affection both: sexual and non-sexual.

 

Next I lost her Soul or love. When the affair started she began transferring the love she was showing me unto a new person. Our sex grew cold and she no longer cared about what made me happy or sad. She began displaying very bitter emotions about the past a lot of which was heavily biased. This period of time lasted for months and I was struggling to find a solution. I knew there was a problem and we start counselling together, but apparently it was too far gone as she lied through much of the counseling.

 

When revelation the affair broke and I confronted her I lost her body as well. Up until this point I still had access to sex and we always slept close to each other. But she left with her lover and completed the process of abandonment.

[tornintexas]

My emotions are a real rollercoaster. I wake up depressed then improve throughout the day but really fall into a dark depression around bedtime. I'm still using the sleeping pills but I've stopped the happy pills as I really don't need them anymore since the anxiety has died down quite a bit. Also I think that suffering the full brunt of the emotions will help me get past this quicker.

 

Today I'm separating our house and moving all of her stuff to the front room. Today is a big test for me. She is coming over this evening to help with sorting and claiming stuff.

 

I WILL BE FRIENDLY BUT EMOTIONLESS. NOTHING WILL SEEP THROUGH THE CRACKS OF MY HEART BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NONE!

 

I'm am ashamed to say I failed at the NC/180 a few days ago. I sent her a long email telling her I choose to remember the happy parts of our marriage and that part of her would always live in my heart.

 

I didn't ask her to come back nor did I forgive her. I simply told her that I've bared my soul to her and only received pain in return. I would never chase another woman whom could not show me love and I would not chase her anymore.

 

I told her I would not share my heart with her again without her asking to be there and proving she wanted to be there. I wished her luck in finding what she was looking for and bid her farewell. I told her I refused to be a crazy stalker ex-husband type and that we could be friendly, but I really needed my space as soon as we could get her out of the house completely. I cried but since that point in time the anxiety has stopped and it's just depression over the loss of my future with her.

[tornintexas]

Well it was a an interesting evening. STBXW came over and we started sorting stuff. We mostly talked about the future and immediate plans for what we are going to do. I didn't invite her back nor really showed emotions so it was a good day for me. Frankly I didn't even have to fight it either... woohoo!!!!

 

She told me she was really unsure about the OM now and was basically using him for cash, but 10 minutes latter she was telling me she has an emotional connection with him because he is just as screwed up as she is and understands her better than me. He had plans to move in with another married friend couple he was friends with, but the man heard about what was going on and stopped it. So STBXW and him are living together in a motel eating lunch meat and PBJ sandwiches. She has a minimum wage job and goes to school and he doesn't work.

 

He is bumming money off his mother this Friday and she says she is going to kick him out if he does not pay half the motel rent this week. Guess life was not so rosy over there or she is just trying to generate sympathy with me. I listened intently but didn't say much about any of it.

 

Either way I had an epiphany today. I was listening to a love song today and didn't envision my wife when listening to it. I saw a future woman that still needs to be found. I know it sounds corny but it's part of the letting go process for me. That future woman may indeed be my STBXW but she has a lot of self reflection and changes to go through before I could take her back, or it could be somebody else and frankly both ideas excited me.