Torn in Texas!

[tornintexas]

Today started off pretty good, I slept decently last night but still had to use a sleeping pill to get to sleep. I tried without one but it was just not working.

 

I made it through work today and actually got some work done, although I did internally ruminate about my failed marriage too much I still was able to function.

 

I had my first counselling appointment at 3:00 PM. Starting around 2:00 PM and leading up too the appointment I began to free fall exponentially faster into despair until I was at the point of pretty severe anxiety by the time I reached her office for the visit.

 

After the appointment started the emotions began to flow from me. I was in control of them the whole time but man did they come out. She was our marriage counselor as well so up until this point she new most of the history and I have a rapport with her so it made things easier.

 

I assume she was feeling out my current state and making sure I was not suicidal and such through the first half of the session, because the first 40 minutes or so was about my current state of mind with events so far. It felt good to have somebody to talk too who understood what was going on and did not offer cliche advise.

 

The last half of the meeting was dedicated pretty much to dealing with the roller coast of emotions I'm on and how to start establishing an equilibrium.

 

Since this all started my mind has been in hyper drive. I latch onto the first negative thought that comes along and BAM!!! it takes control of my thought processes for a while. She called them ANT's or "Automatic Negative Thoughts" and recommended a mental exercise I should preform for the next few months.

 

I am to set a prescribed time each day and dedicate thirty minutes to deal with negative thoughts . Whenever an ANT pops into my mind I am to acknowledge it as an ANT and agree with myself to deal with it at the prescribe time each day. When my alloted time is over I am to change my state to something else such as exercise. The idea is to give myself time to grieve and ruminate but do not allow my mind to dwell on it all day and frankly I like working out.

 

I'm not too sure about this method but I'll give it a shot.

[tornintexas]

It felt good to have somebody to talk too who understood what was going on and did not offer cliche advise.

 

This was not directed at this board... I'm just using this place as a journal and the advice I've received and read here has been spot on...

[Silivren]

Good for you, with the counselling. It takes time to re-train and re-direct your thought processes but it can be done... I have a similar type of mind and I am a very visual person, I can flash back to situations which are painful and dwell on them - but this is not healthy or productive.

 

You are doing all the right things.. you have done everything you could for your children. They are top priority... keep as little contact with you ex as possible.. you need time to heal and you need to heal completely without interference from her... you are a far stronger person than you realize if you have gotten this far... you will achieve your happiness just take it one day at a time...

[tornintexas]

I went the whole day today without her contacting me or me trying to find a reason to contact her or even wanting to. I also implemented the thought stopping exercise today that my counselor suggested. I still spent much of the day constantly stopping myself from ruminating on the past.

 

I started another mental exercise today. I began mentally making fun of wife for leaving with such a loser. Seriously her OM was an un-employed recovering meth addict who dropped out of high school and still bums money off his Mom to get by. He has serious health issues from the drugs he has done in his life and passes out randomly, has bad teeth, and is addicted to pain meds for a supposed bad back. Everybody we know that has knowledge of the situation can not believe her stupidity. Her stupidity is finally sinking in for me as well and I see it for what it is and for some reason that gives me comfort.

 

She threw away a nice life with a great guy to live in a hotel with a loser.

 

A friend and co-worker died yesterday, he was a good man with kind heart and a great mind, I mourn his passing as well. My divorce and his death connected in my brain. He has passed on and I will see him no more so too has the woman that I loved for so many years. Although her body is here she is not the same person. Over the last two years she has morphed into what I see today. My STBXW may change again one day into somebody I can love but hopefully I've found a new life for the kids and myself by then.

 

Life is too short

[tornintexas]

Another day another dollar.

 

Only heard from STBXW ounce today and that was her asking if I had phoned the kids at my Mom's yet, of course I had. I simply responded yes and that she should as well. Felt like she was reaching out because plain and simple she knows I call the kids everyday while they are on vacation with the grannies and it was the only time she has asked.

 

Only had a few trips up and down the roller coaster today. They all involved anger though and not feelings of despair.

Edited June 10, 2011 by tornintexas

[tornintexas]

Guess I'm firmly in the anger phase of grief right now. Anger has dominated my emotions for the past two days.

 

STBXW contacted me through text three times today trying to be friendly and wanted to see what I was up too tomorrow.

 

I only replied that I had plans. I have a funeral to attend tomorrow but didn't' tell her that. I know it may seem petty but I don't want her to feel like she can sneak back into my life. If she wants to seek reconciliation she will have to commit with her whole heart and it will be after the divorce.

 

Maybe it's the anger speaking but emotionally I'm in a drastically different place from last weekend.

[tornintexas]

Last night I spent the evening enjoying the latest X-MEN movie at the theater. It was great and honestly for the first time in two weeks I truly didn't not think about my current situation. I was living in the moment.

 

Then the credits began to roll and a ghastly thing happened. I became emotional to the point of nearly crying right there on the spot. My counselor warned me of these situations. She called them trigger events and she warned that I would have them over the coming weeks and months.

 

After regaining my composure while sitting in the darkness of the theater, I realized that it was the first movie I had seen by myself since I was a teenager. It was a ritual of sorts for my STBXW and I to go together.

 

The blackness that engulfed my soul a few weekends ago was back. I drove home but do not remember doing it. I set in my car in the driveway listening to music and staring at the clock for an hour.

 

It eventually passed and life was not so bleak again. A couple of hours latter I was just fine, and today I'm actually kinda upbeat.

 

If that darkness is the feeling of true depression then I understand why so many people succumb to it. It breaks my heart to think that my STBXW suffered through something like that for such a prolonged period. I'm not defending her actions and blaming them on the depression though.

 

People have have a choice in most things in this life and their true underlying character can be discerned by the choices they make not the words they speak. I've learned to examine people by their choices and not thier spoken words. It was a valuable but painful lesson.

[tornintexas]

Well I've confused myself now. Long story short yesterday STBXW came over for a bit to pick up some things. She was chatty and hung around a bit. We talked for a while then the conversation started getting deeper.

 

She was somber and reflective so I let my wall down and opened the door to my soul again. I told her what I was truly feeling at the time and have been from the start. Without fits and starts of emotion but as a friend talking to a another friend.

 

I told her that it was still in me to forgive her and that our family could be whole again. I asked her to give our relationship a chance to start anew and let it grow. We have two months before the kids come back from visiting to work on just us. I only set the following boundaries: she had to focus solely on me and our family while we tried, she would have to move back into the guest bedroom, and we would have to go to couples counselling.

 

She was crying through most of it and simply put for her to cry is an amazing event in itself. She told me she was very bitter for the emotional abandonment during the first years of our marriage. She told me she loved me but she had feelings for her OM too because he offered something she never had before which was different from me what I had offered for years. I explained that since my emotional awakening she never gave me chance to show that too her and that she had kept me locked out since her depression. She agreed but refused to commit to making a decision.

 

I explained how that her leaving me so she can explore a relationship with my ex-friend and checking out the single life is crushing what I had built up for her over the past year. She said part of her wants to come home and build our family but she is refusing to listen to it, because that is the part I abandoned years ago.

 

She said she would think about it, then got in her truck and went back to him. My mind wants her to realize how ****ed up this all is and come to her senses, to stop being so selfish and come home. To start anew and build a family for our children, I am a good man that will make a fine husband.

 

My heart says she is not worth the pain it's going to involve to get there, and that I will loose too much of myself trying to cope with her instabilities and extreme pride.

 

So here I sit today confused and worried that she will not come back and worried that she will! Any sage advice would be much welcomed at this point.

[tornintexas]

What a difference a few days can make. Since my last offer to my STBXW I'm fast approaching the point of not wanting her back. Something has snapped inside. It is intangible but definitely something snapped.

 

I'm not saying if she returned with true remorse and agreed to the terms I laid out I wouldn't try but now for the first time I feel like it's more pain than it's worth.

 

STBXW contacted me today wanting to do dinner together Thursday night. I'm debating on whether to agree or not. Still a little piece of my heart says to do it and just be quiet for the whole dinner and see what game she is playing.

 

My mind says to go ahead and shut it down and ask that she stop contacting me unless it's kids or lawyer. Then my mind says to be cordial until the decree has been made official in court. I don't want her getting pissed and going sideways on me with a lawyer.

 

On a side note the other women are starting up now. I've never had this many women approach me in my life. Almost all of them are former friends from years gone by, just reaching out too see how I'm doing. I'm sure some of them are actually concerned but the majority have never given one care about my state of being in the past... and now they care... lol

 

I'm taking the advice of my counselor and keeping it all platonic when it comes to women for a while.

[tornintexas]

So I took STBXW's invitation for dinner tonight. I was really quiet for the first part of the meeting. Tonight I saw her from a different perspective. She is a messed up individual who needs to work on herself. I thought "would I date this woman" if we just met, frankly no I wouldn't.

 

I told her tonight that I was moving on and she was fine with it or at least said she was. I know she still has her OM relationship and frankly her actions prove to me that loosing him is a greater lose to her than loosing me. She yet again pulled out the ILYBNILWY line and I just agreed this time. Her actions show her heart and have been ever since this whole thing started. Even before the affair she had a few EA's and her love for me was gone then. It just took her a while to find her OM.

 

I told her I really was not interested in reconciling anymore. This was not in an emotional or bitter manner. It was not a bluff on my part because that is the way I feel about it now. She told me she really did have feelings for her OM.

 

She said she would not flip out on me and that she would keep following our current track with the divorce. We talked about child sharing after summer and other logistics. She will have her apartment hopefully this Saturday.

 

I feel like a bullet out of gun, accelerating away from this mess. I know it's because it's really the end of a years long saga so in reality I've moved very slowly.

 

I tried but in the end it takes two. When my run at life is at it's end I can say I honestly tried. I will not look for another relationship for quite some time. I want to heal from this one much more. I will begin making friends again though, I will not hold back from life. Saturday I'm going to an event with a co-worker and her friends and every single one of them is female... I don't feel guilty at all.

 

My emotional roller coaster over the affair has not stopped it's run but it's getting near the end. Now I have to deal with learning how to be a single dad and it doesn't seem nearly as bad as it did just a week ago.

Edited June 17, 2011 by tornintexas

[ensima]

I'm sure your journey through the separation and divorce process has been gut wrenching. I am at the begin process of grieving my husband abandoning our family and I think he is having an affair. It has been 3 weeks since he left and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

Reading your journaling/posts have shown me that these moments of strength and weakness towards our former spouses is NORMAL... Thank goodness, because I was starting to think I was the one going insane.

 

I just joined this forum for support the other day and it helps to read that there is strength at the other side of this insanely painful journey of abandonment.

 

PS I am in Texas too (houston) and am curious about the divorce proceedings....Did you hire a lawyer and if so is it costing you an arm and a leg?

 

I am currently not working, I was a stay at home mom, and then my husband abandoned us so now I am scrambling to get back into the work force. Would like insight on lawyering up!

 

Stay positive, and keep pushing through the pain!

[tornintexas]

I am in Texas too (houston) and am curious about the divorce proceedings....Did you hire a lawyer and if so is it costing you an arm and a leg?

 

Ensima I am sorry you are going through this, but it's only through experience can somebody truly say "I know what your going through". I would not wish this pain upon anybody even my STBXW.

 

The lawyer side of this ordeal was one of the easy things of my situation. My STBXW and I did not contest anything in the divorce so we pretty much worked out our agreement in about an hour sitting in front of a lawyer which I hired with a $2500 retainer. The lawyer says she should be able to refund a portion of the retainer since our case was so clear cut and straight forward.

 

The lawyer represented me but frankly she helped us negotiate an equitable deal based on what she has seen the courts do over the years.

 

Texas has a 60 day waiting period from the file date so I still have the end of July before it's all final.

 

The only advice I can really offer in this that if you have children involved always keep them in mind. You will have some form of a relationship with your STBXH the rest of your life. I know it is extremely painful and your emotions are all over the place, but in the end if you and your STBXH can be amicable and work out your settlement with little legal assistance it is fairly cheap to do.

 

I called a lot of lawyers and many of them wanted to go the adversarial route saying I had a good case. I picked the one that suggested negotiations first and trying to be non-adversarial if possible.

 

At this point I really do not have any experience on the adversarial route but there are many threads on this forum which do.

[tornintexas]

Wow had a crazy busy weekend. Went out Friday night with a friend, spent the whole day Saturday with friends, went to a movie Saturday night (no triggers this time.. woot), went to church for the first time in three years on Sunday, then went out with a friend Sunday night.

 

I did all of this with only a few thoughts of my STBXW coming into play. Mainly during church as I thought it would have been helpful for her hear that message too. No thoughts of I'm getting revenge and wish she could see me now kinda stuff during the whole weekend. It's feels good.

 

Speaking of church. I'm not a huge man of faith but I do have it. I went to church for the first time in years, on Fathers's Day. I expected to here a sermon on fatherhood and such. Instead I hear a message on having Joy in your life while dealing with catastrophe's like divorce and death of loved ones. Seriously the pastor spoke at length on dealing with Divorce on father's day.... lol.

 

Also I've begun having dreams of forgiveness. No I can not accept my STBXW or my ex-friend back into my life in the status they used to hold, but dreamed all night last night about forgiving them and just moving on.

Edited June 20, 2011 by tornintexas

[tornintexas]

My counsellor fired me today for being such a good client.... lol. Well not really fired but she frankly told me that I had done everything I could possibly do to work on myself and much of the work I had already done in my the previous year while dealing with my STBXW's erratic behavior.

 

She was more than willing to keep seeing me but really only recommended a followup in a couple of months if I felt I needed it. She said I had progressed really well through the process and handled it quite effectively so far.

 

We discussed future relationships extensively and she warned me that when I started to look for new relationships I should steer clear of the damsels in distress because when I rescued them I would end up with a distressed damsel.... lol.

 

Basically I'm a nice guy with a big heart and I want to help the people in my life. Thing is a lot of the people in my life are here well because I help them. I have to learn to set boundaries for these people and I'm well on the way in that endeavor as well.

 

I really do feel like I'm over much of the heart ache now with my only real concerns revolving around learning how to be a single father of 3 young children. I know I can do it.

 

I have resolved to myself that I will be emotionally self sufficient as a single father before looking for another relationship. That way when I find another person to love deeply it's for the right reasons.

[tornintexas]

STBXW came over last night to babysit some neighborhood kids to earn a little extra cash. I can look at her now and I do not want her back in my life as a spouse.

 

I left her at the house and went on a date with a new friend and frankly didn't think too much of her during the evening.... lol

 

My date on the other hand was in the same situation as me and all I heard about was her EX. Guess my counselor was right about attracting broken people. Oh well only one more month until I'm officially divorced. woohoo!

 

On another note I've used the free time from this summer to work on my body. I have dropped 18 lb's since the separation for a total of 62 lbs dropped since last year. I'm dedicating about 20 hours a week to exercise and I'm tightly controlling my diet. It's made a huge boost in my self esteem. I'm fairly young, attractive, in shape, with a good salary. I have more women noticing me than ever before in my life. It's really cool.

 

I made a vow in the beginning of my separation though. NO SEX with anybody until the divorce has finalized and I'm sticking too it.

[fltc]

Oh, WOW!

 

TinT, you may be the only one here whom I believe is going to be just fine. You're doing EVERYTHING right at this point, you've got the right attitude and you're going to recover and go on to a better life.

 

Congratulations!

[tornintexas]

Yesterday evening we went too the lawyer's office and signed the final decree. It was a small trigger point for me. A small amount of blackness crept in for a bit as I signed away my hopes and dreams of ever having a whole family with the mother of my children.

 

Her BF's car broke down so he had borrowed her truck. As I drove her back to her hotel, she apologized for "always being angry". She told me that no matter what feeling she has it comes out as anger. All I could think "too little, too late".

 

I have no reason to talk to her for at least a month and I'm going to try my best not too.

 

In the end our terms included: I have custodial care of the kids, she will pay me a small amount of CS starting a year from now, I will pay her small amount of spousal support over the next couple months, she has standard visitation, I am to supply all health insurance, in a year she is to start supplying HS or reimburse me for it, we split out of pocket health care cost 50/50, she kept the truck, and I got the Pruis, I stayed in the house. There where many more but these are the gist of it.

 

In 35 days I will have my 15 minutes in court and it will be signed off by a judge. I officially declare August 2nd 2011 the 1st annual anniversary of "Margarita Day".

[Forever Learning]

Thanks so much for all your honesty and insight throughout this experience. I too live in Texas and am in the midst of divorcing my husband of 15 years, two small children involved.

 

Your honest account of what you are going through has helped me along in my process so much. Even the fine details of your divorce language have helped me in realizing things I want to make sure are in my decree (the out of pocket health care expenses, for starters - forgot that one).

 

There area so many amazing people on this website who are so honest and sharing in their experiences, I am absolutely stunned and very thankful. I feel less alone in the divorce process when I read stories like yours.

 

Thank you and please keep posting your thoughts and feelings during your experience, they are very helpful. Strangely enough it helps restore my faith that not all men are like my soon to be ex-husband (a dysfunctional compulsive liar and verbal abuser / manipulator).

 

Unfortunately I have some work to do in deprogramming myself from believing most men can not be trusted and don't really have feelings but instead are just manipulators of women...... gosh that sounds horrible and jaded but that is my reality due to my 15 year marriage with a master liar.

 

That is a biggie for me, gotta work on that. Actually my biggest problem is not trusting myself in the future to be able to tell an honest man, from a dishonest one. That is a problem that developed within me from being with a con artist for 15 years.

 

But I have faith in my own healing process, it will be so nice once he finally moves out and I can begin to move on.

 

In short I am very grateful you have decided to share your story here, it helps me in my journey too. Thank you and God bless you and your children.

Edited June 30, 2011 by Forever Learning

[tornintexas]

In short I am very grateful you have decided to share your story here, it helps me in my journey too. Thank you and God bless you and your children.

 

Thank you for the kinds words.

[AudentesFortuna]

Wow, you are a great example of how I want to handle my divorce. Like you, I have begun taking care of my body. Been working out everyday at the gym for one hour of cardio and I begin weight training next week. Good luck!

[tornintexas]

Wow, you are a great example of how I want to handle my divorce. Like you, I have begun taking care of my body. Been working out everyday at the gym for one hour of cardio and I begin weight training next week. Good luck!

 

Thank you for the kinds words. It's true that the only person in this world you can change is yourself. Somewhere in the previous year I finally got it.

 

I have been very fortunate in all of this to have a non-combatant STBXW when it comes to the separation and the divorce decree. That may change at any moment but when/if it does I know that I now have the strength to just deal with it.

[alhoneyblue]

Dear Torn I just read all your posts over the past month and wow I got to thank you for putting it out there, I am going through something simalar myself and I stumbled over this site. It is therapeutic to me to see how you have made progress emotionally from feeling so craped on to in your post yesterday sounding hopeful and positive and I bet writing this has helped with your sanity too. I am thinking of posting my story too......maybe that will make me fel better too. Regardless thank you for sharing

[tornintexas]

Let me start by saying thank you for the kind words from the previous posters. I pretty much ended up using this site as my journal. It's what I'm feeling at the time or a summary of the day. Thus my feelings are all over the place when you read it like a book. It has been very helpful to actually log my thoughts and emotions down into words when I needed.

 

Today I have mixed emotions. I'm visiting with the kids at my mother's this weekend and it's been great. Also they still do not know about my the divorce. We are not telling them until the end of summer when they come back to TX to live with me.

 

I don't want to tell the kids Dad and Mom are divorcing then leave them in FL with grandmas for the summer. So as far as they are concerned my marriage is still good, it's going to stay that way until August.

 

Today is my anniversary, and I'm not really sure what to feel about that.

[tornintexas]

Had a great day with the kids at the beach. I also reconnected with some family members I isolated during last couple of years of my marriage.

 

The over whelming feeling today was pure unadulterated anger. Today I have been boiling over with internal anger at her selfishness. I gave her many years of my life and forgave many things many men would not. I not only provided but provided exceptionally well for her. I realized I was a flawed human being and worked on myself, no thanks to any communications from her.

 

She leaves me for an unknown future with a recovering drug addict whom can barely hold down a job. Explaining to our children for an entire ****ing summer that "Mommy is working a lot". YES TODAY WAS ANGER!!!!!!!

 

It's not anger because of the kids but frankly it's anger because of what she did to kids and I.

[tornintexas]

A bucket list of broken things to fix before my next serious relationship.

 

• Low Self-Esteem - I had many years with a spouse whom was emotionally closed off. Combine that with obesity and it's a recipe for disaster. Also I know I'm a stable, well adjusted guy, not prone to extremes in life but open to fun situations. When it comes to outward appearance I'm in a much better place with my self-image. The level of attention I'm receiving from the opposite sex has helped tremendously. Always before I ignored or was ambivalent to the wiles of other women. Not so much now and it's been an eye opening experience... lol

 

• Obesity - Actually I've almost corrected this one. I've lost 64 lbs in the last two years. Two months ago I officially crossed into the non-obese category but I still have 25 lbs to go.
  

 

• Emotionally Dependent - I realize now that I was pretty codependent upon the STBXW for my emotional stability. I had been with her since my late teens and never learned to live as an independent person emotionally. It was extremely painful but I've learned how to cope with thinking as an individual by being forced into it. When your married it doesn't matter how bad your relationship is you are never truly completely alone. Only through death or divorce do you get to experience loneliness.
  

 

• Boundaries - I'm the kind person prone to help people when and where I can. I'm still learning how to be compassionate and assist people but still be able to tell them "NO" when it is not in my best interest to offer assistance.
  

 

• Trust - I know this as one of my last great hurdles. For me to be happy with any future partner I will have to trust them. Right now it's just not in me and I'm not sure how to find it again.
  

 

There are many other small adjustments I want to make along with personal and professional goals to fulfill but these items are really floating at the top right now.