GorillaTheater Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Hat's off to you, man. Still no advice from me, because you seem to be very much on top of things. Have you been offering advice to others here? I think you have a hell of alot to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 A bucket list of broken things to fix before my next serious relationship. Low Self-Esteem - I had many years with a spouse whom was emotionally closed off. Combine that with obesity and it's a recipe for disaster. Also I know I'm a stable, well adjusted guy, not prone to extremes in life but open to fun situations. When it comes to outward appearance I'm in a much better place with my self-image. The level of attention I'm receiving from the opposite sex has helped tremendously. Always before I ignored or was ambivalent to the wiles of other women. Not so much now and it's been an eye opening experience... lol Obesity - Actually I've almost corrected this one. I've lost 64 lbs in the last two years. Two months ago I officially crossed into the non-obese category but I still have 25 lbs to go. Emotionally Dependent - I realize now that I was pretty codependent upon the STBXW for my emotional stability. I had been with her since my late teens and never learned to live as an independent person emotionally. It was extremely painful but I've learned how to cope with thinking as an individual by being forced into it. When your married it doesn't matter how bad your relationship is you are never truly completely alone. Only through death or divorce do you get to experience loneliness. Boundaries - I'm the kind person prone to help people when and where I can. I'm still learning how to be compassionate and assist people but still be able to tell them "NO" when it is not in my best interest to offer assistance. Trust - I know this as one of my last great hurdles. For me to be happy with any future partner I will have to trust them. Right now it's just not in me and I'm not sure how to find it again. There are many other small adjustments I want to make along with personal and professional goals to fulfill but these items are really floating at the top right now. Holy cow Texas! Every point you make is me to a t! I joined the gym a month ago and have lost 15 pounds already. Long way to go but there is no stopping me. Every other point applies to me as well. Good luck to you in your endeavours! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Long way to go but there is no stopping me. Brother, with an attitude like that you can accomplish almost anything. Weight loss was one of long term goals and I did it through diet control and exercise. Google "myfitnesspal" and check it out. It's free and has played a huge role in my success. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hat's off to you, man. Still no advice from me, because you seem to be very much on top of things. Have you been offering advice to others here? I think you have a hell of alot to offer. Thank you for the compliment. I have posted on a couple of threads but only when it directly relates to my experience. I'm not a huge man of faith but I do have it. The following comes to mind when I think of giving advice. Matt 7:3 - Bible - NIV "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" I'm still getting that plank out of mine but I'm doing it publicly on this forum. If that helps people along the way then I'm happy for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 A bucket list of broken things to fix before my next serious relationship. Boundaries - I'm the kind person prone to help people when and where I can. I'm still learning how to be compassionate and assist people but still be able to tell them "NO" when it is not in my best interest to offer assistance. Trust - I know this as one of my last great hurdles. For me to be happy with any future partner I will have to trust them. Right now it's just not in me and I'm not sure how to find it again. i am working on the very same issues, especially trust. thanks so much for sharing everything you have here, it does have an impact on my life and I am appreciative. continued success to you in your journey and all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 It is a strange the relationship I'm moving into with my STBXW. She now contacts me spontaneously almost daily just to say hello chat a bit. We even spent a few hours on the phone recently chatting about life. She has been going to counselling since the separation/divorce started and realizes that what she did was wrong and that many of our marital issues directly stemmed from her actions as well as mine. She even took ownership for some of the sins from the past and made a heartfelt apology. As far as open friendliness we are getting along really well living separate lives. Her's lifestyle has decreased dramatically though and money is a serious issue for her. I offered to swap vehicles with her she has a truck I have a car. The truck cost considerably more per month to keep. But other than that I wished her well and even suggested she find a more stable boyfriend. She wants to be my friend now and I'm not opposed to it but it concerns me she may want to rekindle more. I do not share my emotions with her nor express any form of love in her direction. Right now the only thing she really has going in life for her for me is that she is the mother of my children. That's a big one but still not enough. I've not kept my dating secret from anybody. We are legally separated and our divorce will be final in less than a month. I was afraid she would go off the deep end when she saw her plan B out having fun but that did not happen. Speaking of dating it's been an interesting experience. I'm a 34 year old man I'm pretty good looking but not adonis. I have a level head and I like to think a decent sense of humor. Also I have pretty good career but by no means am I rich. I have women lining up to go out. I'm not lying to any of them. I tell them my situation and how I'm not looking for any serious relationships and that I'm just dating. That I only want to meet people and make friends. Some are good decent women and others not so much. I'm having fun filtering through them. I still have a vow of celibacy until my Margarita Day(Court Date) in less than a month and it's tough to keep. Frankly I have three women that want too help me celebrate it... lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 STBXW called today asking that we go ahead and switch vehicles again. She has realized that she can not support a new gas hungry truck. I'm not opposed since the truck was financed in my name and my car is financed in hers. I actually offered the plan last week. When this swap is complete we will be completely financially separated. I was concerned that she would torpedo my credit with the truck and it was pointless for me to pay off the car to build her credit. Patience truly is the key to solving some problems. I will pay down a little on the truck and trade it in on something more economical for commuting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 Why do I come here and journal the highlights of my divorce? Part of the answer for me can be summed up by notion of "desensitization". I come back to this website and re-read my previous entries. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. I stopped looking for my magic bullet to fix everything and can clearly see the day that happened for me in my journal. I formed a plan and followed it through. The divorce hurt like hell but had to be done. I have the illusion of control over my life again and it makes me less hopeless, but I still have the anger. At first the anger was good and I welcomed it. It motivated me to do the things which my heart did not want done. Now the anger is less but still here and frankly it's pretty useless at the moment. I really do not need motivation as I have my affairs in order with the divorce. I'm finding that as I come back here and re-read my entries along with the entries of others it re-ignites my emotions about the whole thing, but each time they are rekindled they come back just a little less intensely and somehow more bland. Yes in the beginning it was more chaotic but now I have my pattern and know it pretty well. I'm looking forward to the day when these emotions are burned out and the passion that is within me can be focused on a woman who deserves it. That day got a little closer today as I read some of my journal. Cheers, I have a date tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 ....I'll say it again, quoting me: "TinT, you may be the only one here whom I believe is going to be just fine. You're doing EVERYTHING right at this point, you've got the right attitude and you're going to recover and go on to a better life. Congratulations!" Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 ....I'll say it again, quoting me: "TinT, you may be the only one here whom I believe is going to be just fine. You're doing EVERYTHING right at this point, you've got the right attitude and you're going to recover and go on to a better life. Congratulations!" I agree. Time is a healer and you can't speed that part of the equation up (nor would you want to) but you have everything else together as best you can and your future is looking upbeat hopeful and positive. I am pleased you have lady friends to step out with, you have a great attitude regarding the dating scene, hainging loose with no intentions of jumping head first into any deep relationship at the moment. I would like to see you go on a whole lot of dates so you can get a feel for whats out there. Please don't rush into anything, just mingle and enjoy it. The joy is in the journey. Enjoy this part of it, too. Your new dating life! I am excited for you. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 So I went on a serial dating spree. I've been dating for quite a while but I went crazy for a little while. Meeting lots of women over a very short period of time. Now one of them has my attention. She is successful, self sustaining, a mother of one, divorced with low drama, and has many of the same values I do. She is nearly the polar opposite of my EX and she is very interested in me as well. When this summer is over and I settle into a more subdued dating lifestyle. I think I may get to know this one a little better and only date one woman instead of constantly meeting new ones. Life is starting to feel good again and I have order returning to it. I'm still concerned of how to deal with the kids when they return in a few short weeks, but I know I can do it. I look forward to creating a new life with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 Well the STBXW came over today and we packed and loaded some of her stuff. We had a decent afternoon she hung out for a few hours sorting stuff and chatting. We have a pretty good relationship now and really do not argue about much of anything. After she had left for the day I come into my office and find where she had used my computer to check her email and it was still open. It's bad for my mental health but something compelled me to go through her email history. WOW!!!! I discovered that she was cheating on me late last year as well. Lots of sex talk and naked pictures flying between her and two guys I had some serious issues with back in that time. Then I found a series of emails where she was professing her love for the man she eventually left me for much earlier than she had told me it had started when she orginally left with him. Basically even though she still has no reason to lie she insist on perpetuaing the lies of the past. What does this mean for me. Guess it means I'm not 100% over the breakup as I still felt compelled to look, but in the end it only served as an afirmation of the things that I knew all along but refused to believe. I'm now to the point where I want even bring it up with her, because really what the hell is the point anyway. It didn't get me down for long because I then spent two hours talking with the really cool woman that caught my attention and slowed down my serial dating. My EX didn't even cross my mind once... lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Small update for the week. My ex has been having female health issues but did not have the funds to go to the her GY. I helped her with the cost of the upfront cost of the visit. Turns out she has a severe kidney infection which her doc thinks may be the result of an STD. They are running more test. The thought that she got a little bit of what she deserves didn't even make me smile. It's just sad really. I hardly recognize her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 torn- that's terrible, and sad, I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Sorry you found those emails but you seem to be handling it well. Nice of you to help her with the money situation. I don't believe much in karma...but I guess sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Tomorrow morning I have my day in court. We signed the agreements long ago and tomorrow's court date is just to make it official in front of the judge. It's hard to really describe what I'm feeling at the moment. Some would say I'm in the acceptance phase of mourning. The only word which truly holds meaning to describe it though is "empty". Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 Well it went quick with the judge. I answered about twenty questions from my lawyer while the judge scanned the decree. He declared the order official and I'm divorced. Seventeen years of history and thirteen years of marriage down the drain. I really do feel hate for her at the moment to flush away our kids only chance for a whole family so easily. To walk away from her family saying we are better off with out her. She made the decision for all of us. I will build something new and great for me and the kids. It's a shame my ex was too blinded by selfishness to see what she is throwing away. Still the only emotion I can really describe right now is emptiness if that can be called an emotion. Emptiness with a ball of anger floating around inside of it. I feel a Margarita coming on in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. You have made great progress though. You will be more than fine in the future. Deal with the anger but don't let it stay in your heart forever. It is not worth it. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Well the divorce was final for only a few hours and my EX changed her relationship status to reflect her OM. Weird because from listening too her you can never tell if he is going or staying with her. Funny thing is though some of our mutual friends started an all out FB war with her because of this. I did not ask for it, participate in it, or condone it but she was called everything under the sun like whore, tramp, and white trash. Needless to say I assume she spent the better part of an evening deleting offending post and blocking people. Some of our old mutual associates that I felt where closer to her than me and which I had purged from my FB booted her and contacted me wanting back into my life. I never asked people to take sides, but they are anyway. I have always avoided drama and really do my best to stop it, but I guess it was bound to happen since we grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I want say that it didn't give me a little smile on the inside. When people trash talk her directly too me I simply tell them she was an unhappy woman and I hope she finds what she is looking for. I am feeling much better today and I believe I'm moving past the trigger point of my divorce day. I know there is one more in the near future with the kids but I will be prepared for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 So a quick update to my story even though it's been months. I'm no longer Torn In Texas as I've moved to Florida to be near family. My crazy ex turned out to be an even worse co-parent after the divorce. So I ended up taking care of the kids completely solo while living in TX. I pulled up roots and moved closer to family in FL. That OM she left me for she never really quite dumped him either and they pulled up roots and followed me. They moved in with his Mom close to where I'm living in FL. She gets the kids one night a week and spends it with them in supervised visits at her Mom's house. The kids have figured her out to some degree and our oldest knew some of what was going on because he saw it. I have all the kids in counselling. She has a hard time controlling them and they are hyper but good kids for me. She shy's away from having them for more than a day or two a the time. Also recently her and her OM/BF are having some serious problems from what I'ver heard. Seems she was having more than one affair on me and a couple of the wives of the men she was sleeping with have put in and all out effort to destroy her life... They have been calling her BF and filling him in on some of the sordid details of the entire thing. She has reached out to me a little about coming back and I told her the truth. There is no way she is moving back in with me and the kids and I thought she needed some serious counselling. Here is when you know you have REALLY moved on. I have a new female friend that I've gotten close to over the last couple months and my EX doesn't even now about her. Eventually when the the kids meet her they will tell thier mom but I don't even care if she knows or not. Not being mean or ugly just don't really care what she thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Congratulations! A love shack success story It is amazing how a new lady can change your point of view Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 torninFlorida- man, what a difference 5 months makes! I just read your thread top to bottom again, and I gotta say, you're an inspiration. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornintexas Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 WOW what a difference time really does make. I'm approaching the 8 month mark since the separation but it feels like ages ago. This place was a huge part of the healing process for me and recording my heartbreak provided a much needed outlet. Healing wise I am light years beyond where I was but I heal quick. I read some of my old entries and brought back some memories. I must have been insane at the time.... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 WOW what a difference time really does make. <snip> Healing wise I am light years beyond where I was but I heal quick. I read some of my old entries and brought back some memories. I must have been insane at the time.... LOL Yup, you were a little bit nuts and anyone in your situation would have been. But I knew you were going to be OK and made that prediction some time back. There weren't/aren't many here that I would have written that to... Thanks for proving me right and good luck with the new lady, hope she turns out to be the right one. Link to post Share on other sites
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