adidas6380 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I am going to start out with a little background of me and my family. I am a twin and the older one. I have an older sister as well. Growing up my twin brother and my sister always got along better than I did with them. I was the more sheltered child and was always kept out of the loop on many things. I did not find out my parents were divorcing until three days after my siblings did. Throughout high school my brother always made sure that he was "top dog" and made sure I was in his "shadow." No matter where we were or who we were with, he would walk in front of me and stand in front of me to keep me out of view from anyone. Once we got into college though I finally got out of his shadow and started making a name for myself. Ever since then I have felt like my family holds something against me. I was the "Black Sheep" growing up. No one ever thought anything of me. I have worked my ass off over the last five years and did a lot for my family. I bought my dad a $1200 dog and gave my brother a lot of money when he was going through hard times. Him and I have a lot of issues that all result to me not being in his "shadow" anymore. I have since started my own company and I am having a hard time getting it going because I feel something missing. I feel like I am supposed to fail. I have no support from my family. I call my mom almost everyday to talk to her and she never asks me how the business is going. When I talk to my dad, he tries to tell me quick ways out of it. I do not get to talk to my sister as much as I wish I could. When I talk to my brother, he tries make me feel guilty about anything and everything. I feel like they are all expecting me to fail with this company and it depresses me and brings me down so it is not going so well. I spend more time thinking about what they are thinking of me with this company than what I should really be doing. I have no encouragement from them whatsoever. I have tried to turn that around and use it as a proving point, but its hard when the people that mean the most to me do not seem to believe in me. I remember when I was fifteen and my father asked me what I was planning for my future, and I told him there that I wanted to have my own business. That was the goal I set then with him and I have succeeded with it and it does not seem click in his head that I completed that goal. I just feel that they expected my brother and sister to be successful before me and they do not really want to realize that I have the potential to hit it first. I want to turn this around and use it as a proving point to them, but it is hard without the encouragement from the ones that mean to most to me. I do not know how to go about all this. If anyone has some advice for me, please lend it to me. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Sometimes family just won't or can't support us the we we want or need. If your family is going to change how they think of you and treat you, they have to do that themselves. Succeed in your company for your own benefit, not theirs. Maybe they'll come around someday, and maybe not. From what you've written, I wouldn't count on success with your company changing their attitude. It's nice that you've been financially generous with them, but giving them expensive things or helping them out with money hasn't changed anything, nor do I think it will in the future. If you want to continue to be generous with them, do it because you want to, not because you're trying to buy their love and approval. I just don't think you'll get it, as much as you crave it. (We all crave respect from our families, but not everyone gets it, and it doesn't necessarily depend on what we do.) If you need encouragment or support in this venture, look for it elsewhere -- friends, or people who have started their business. If possible, find a mentor who can give you good advice on running a company. Link to post Share on other sites
skates89 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Thats amazing I go through a similar thing. My family is definitely dysfunctional. No other words for it. I actually hope to make enough so that I can stay the hell away from them alltogether. I had a mother that was a complete nut an alcoholic father and a brother tha is no better. Im 22 years sober now and nothing, not a thing has changed. My mother will not ever recognize any of my talents. The fact that I got sober, went to college, got a degree and run my own small business. It is amazing how sick these people are. I have to restrain myself from just wanting to smack one of them My theory is jealousy and envy. I was the best looking member of my family and after many years of thinking about this I think they where all jealous of me. Sounds paranoid i know but I cannot think of another reason. They destroyed my athletic career and trust me had I done a few things differently I know for a fact Id have been a household name. Where I got the strength to survive this house I have no idea. My mother has never once said she loved me, not once, nor has che ever hugged me. This is a sick woman. I dont know what her problem has been but she is one twisted person. I hope this helps ya feel better. I could go on and on with what I have gone through it gets worse violence etc but I made a pack with myself that no matter what happens I will not crumble and I am sure i wont. I love myself to much to let those who hate me see me fail What a shame that it had to be this way but I feel the need to survive. id say you wont be hearing any affirmations from your family seems like they might just be jealous who knows. i wish ya luck Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 I want to turn this around and use it as a proving point to them, but it is hard without the encouragement from the ones that mean to most to me. I do not know how to go about all this. If anyone has some advice for me, please lend it to me. This one is easy. Go find encouragement and inspiration from within YOURSELF and Non-family members, whether they are friends or people you respect alot. You're not 15 anymore. You don't need approval from any of them to be your own or do your own things. Same thing can be said about where your sources of encoragement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adidas6380 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 Since I posted this last week, it seems as if everything is finally hitting me. This has not been a good year for me and I have been in a depressed state. I have no self-confidence because I was always looking towards others to help build my confidence. My birthday is coming up in four days and not one person has asked me what I wanted to do for it or ask me if I was even going to be back in Charlotte for it. So I decided I am just going to stay here. If they decide they want to help me celebrate it, then they can come here. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last two days and finally I am saying screw it. I have spent most of my life trying to help others and no one can come to realize it. I have always been putting others before me. So now I am just letting it all go and moving on. I am in a new city with my company so I am going to start a new chapter in my life here and start putting myself first. So there it is. It is what it is. They can look down on me all they want to. I am going to start living and working for myself now and if they do not like or respect it then so be it. You guys were right; I cannot spend my life looking for the respect. I will probably never get it. I have been so far down for so long and I need to start building myself back up. Thank you everyone for the advice and good luck to you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 How about finding a chick as your source of respect? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 No offense to your circumstance, as it does seem distraughting by the writing. What cautioned me and kept coming back around is that you forget, someone influenced you, someone gave you inspiration, so YES there were people creating some positive reinforcement. No one really gets where they are without the help of others. That is awesome that you got there (reached your goal). Not a fan of the "I had to go it alone". Its rare to even make it far in the world without opportunities and the right persons to get you there. You sound a wee bit jealous (sibling rivalry), So sit back and find the positive in your siblings. I caught on quick that your one sibling likes to have leadership skills. From an outsiders point of view that can be a good thing. TO a sibling it equals competitiveness. You have a chance to turn things around.Try it. As a business owner you will come to learn to take inventory of what is good and what needs improved. Sounds like you are great at seeing what needs improved yet fail to accept what is good in your family. I assure you there is goodness in your family for you to have attained the goal you have. I have an elder bro who LOVES to flaunt his success and Income. Do I cheer him on , you bet ya. Even though he is arrogant the truth be told, he made something of himself and his ambition deserves acknowledged. As for his flautingness, thats a reflection on him, not on the family unit. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I am sorry that you got robbed of a caring, loving and supportive family. I am very shocked to read that even your twin isn't there for you. Usually twins have a special connection and are close. As for your parents and other siblings, they should be bloody ashamed of themselves! Well, I don't know you, but I AM proud of you! You've had goals and dreams for yourself for a long time and they've come true. Not too many people can pursue something they want to do, something they're very passionate about, and go far, and do so well at the pace you've done. You are strong, probably alot stronger than you realize, so build upon that and the encouragement you get from your friends, and people on here too. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Usually twins have a special connection and are close. As for your parents and other siblings, they should be bloody ashamed of themselves! Twins are not like regular siblings. They either love each other to death or the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) Has anyone in your family ever started their own business? Could the main reason they fail to give you the support you need be that they have no way of grasping what you are going through? Don't think that your interpretation of how your family relates to you is the only potential interpretation. It could be that while you feel competition and the need to prove yourself, your parents and sister are failing at giving you the validation you need, because they think you already know how much they care, love and are proud of you - whether or not you are successful in your business. They might simply love and accept you for you, not love and accept you for your success. There are some contradictions in your post: You want to use your business success as a "proving point" to them. But what if they don't realize how alienated you feel or that you need validation? You say you want them to recognize your success, but at the same time, you seem to want to turn to them when you face stress with your business. So which is it? Do you need support as you continue to establish yourself or do you merely want to "flash" your success at them? To be honest, it sounds like right now, what you need the most is support, while what you want the most is validation. It also sounds like you're putting undue stress on yourself by linking your success at work with your self-esteem. Edited May 14, 2011 by Kamille Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 Hi OP, I think you have to frame this in a way where you do it for yourself, not for your family. I went through long phases of wanting certain kinds of validation from my family that I never got. Once I stopped expecting it, my life improved considerably I have followed by own path professionally, often against my parents' wishes, but I am doing very well today. Believe in what you do, work hard, and do it for yourself and your own visions in the first place. If your family comes around and appreciates it, wonderful. If not, don't allow it to drag you down. I know that's easy to say and more difficult to do, but longing for external validation that isn't forthcoming is just a sure recipe for letting yourself down. Best of luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
TheFamilyMan Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 at the end of the day, your career is going to be what you do for a very long time (most likely), and you have to be able to be happy with it because if not, you are going to be a very miserable person, so act according to that. I had plenty of friends in college whose parents forced career choices on them and they either pursued them and became very unhappy, or ended up changing mid way and are now content with what they do. Creating your own business, specially if it turns out well, is the best choice you could make because i'm assuming it compliments your personality very well so just stick with it. Your family will come around to realizing it sooner or later and accepting you and your choices. i Link to post Share on other sites
TheFamilyMan Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 no updates here? Link to post Share on other sites
shanta07 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Your post just touch my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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