Not getting along with my dad HURTS

[Sw3etdev1L]

I try SO HARD to get along with him.. SO HARD... I am nice to him, I have proposed to go out places with my sister just to be with him and her... and... It seems as If I am the only one caring to have a family and get along with them... they don't cooperate!... it's like trying to move to rocks. I get tired of them two and I have to live with them because I am still studying and i ain't got a dime. My father says I won't get out of home until I get married...

When my father was married to my mother he spoke to her really ugly, yelled at her all her faults.. after they divorced he said he missed her but didn't help her to get through a depression episode, my mother didn't have money.. what they paid her was almost nothing.. about 300 dollars a month... she didn't think they would get a divorce, then she died out of cancer.. my father helped her to go through it, and then she died...

Truth is their story is very tragic..

But while I've lived with them.. It was so TOUGH, not a day of peace in my house... and I used to tell them when I was a child.. please, mom and dad get along... please mom and dad get along... they didn't put effort on their relationship... and well, things happened.

My father grew bitter every day... TODAY, it's almost impossible to talk to the man. He is always grouchy, touchy, trying to make me feel bad, wanting me to feel guilty about stupid things which I don't feel guilty about, black mailing me to do what he wants me to do, and he is so OBESSED about alternative medicine.. He used to be so normal, eat from everything, do his exercise normally, now he reads obsessively all of this books, he is obsessed about eating healthy.. doesn't even want to go to chinese restaurants because says the dishes have sugar on them... go figure..

When I try and talk to him about, life, history, LIFE in general... you only got one subject he talks about.... ALTERNATIVE NUTRITION, and I am a Clynical Nutritionist.. I dont know how to write it in english cause my main language is spanish.. BUT, ....He is usually angry and he talks horrible to me, very disrespectful, never wants to share his life, his experiences with my sister and I... he is very distant. BUT, he DOES make me feel bad by telling me "get out of my house" when he gets angry.. he says "get out of my house, get married"... Usually there is peace in my house because he isn't here, but when he is here... we usually never talk... when we are going to "TALK".. it's always about MY LIFE, because he doesn't share his... or he only talks about ALTERNATIVE NUTRITION, and suddenly out of nowhere... gets any subject as an excuse to get angry, yell, scream, and make me feel inferior. He usually not verbally supporting or nice, he is usually a person who has high expectations of my sister and I , and truly I don't like his expectations for me or my sister..I have my own. He never listens to what I have to say...

I used to love him as a father, but now.... I feel I tried and I tried and I went so tedious, frustrated and tired of trying, which makes me sad because I would love to get along with my father and share with him.. but, he doesn't open himself...

I usually go out only with my boyfriend, and search out my friends to have a social life...

I was very into giving the priority of my family.. mom , father, sister... but..

Now mother doesn't exist... my sister is younger and me and sometimes she copies him in his way of acting and temperament which frightens me because it's a very dramatic and sick personality.. I hope she doesn't become a grinch when old.... but she seems she is turning into one sometimes because she doesn't have a boyfriend, feels lonely, closes up and doesn't want to go out but with some friends, she wants things her own way selfishly and life is not that way!... If you want to be loved you gotta give love first!... If you want respect, give yourself respect right??... So.... everytime I try to get along with my father I feel I have failed into getting along with him because it seems as it is not something from two people but... it seems like I am the one trying here, and he has his head somewhere else , in the careless zone.. which makes me feel so disappointed of him.. I used to look at him as SUPERMAN, when I was 5 until I grew old and so the so many horrendous details he had with my mother and hoped for my boyfriend and husband not to be that way...

When my mother had cancer, she did not want to be near my father because she couldn't tolerate his temper, she would get annoyed of him...

And he is my father which I am suppose to love and respect and... be able to trust and get along with but he is not that type of father..

He is judgamental, doesn't listen, doesn't show his love for my sister and I, only by buying us things.. sometimes he says "I love u"... but it is very rare.. but apart from that.. I almost never see him, he seems he is always hiding, he never shares, or listens, or nothing.. he is like a shadow in my home who wants to be admired, respected, loved and worshiped but even if he is a good person, who has progressed in the economic field, and I do have to respect him, and love him... I do not worship him and really get hurt because he doesn't talk to me in a good manner.

He is always complaining about everything, nothing or no one is ever good for him. Loves to argument, and fight.. I tell him I hate to fight about senseless things but that's what he does!..

He used to fight all the time with my mom, and now... like I am here with my sister in my home... the only he wants to do with me is fight!.. and I am NOT gonna get into that game of his!.. it seems as if he doesn't fight he doesn't knkow how to have a relationship..

With outsiders, he is so sweet, mellow and funny,. but in my house he is this grinch I can't stand and who I have to stand because I live here...

and I ain't going anywhere until I graduate and get married because apart from that he is controllative, overprotective, negative and insecure.

And he is always trying to make me feel bad about myself, it is rare for him to say some I LOVE YOU; INSPIRATIONAL DADDY kinds of things which.. make me feel SO BAD. The thing is.. I always try and feel I fail trying, but that I still have to try because and onlyl becaaause I am the older daughter.