He's disappeared but said he's gonna marry me

[ConfusedCarolina]

He's 35 & been divorced for 3 years, & I'm 31 & never been married.

 

Two weeks ago in a call, he just blurted out that he's gonna marry me like it's a goal of his (not casually). But that was the last I heard of him. I've called & texted, but nothing. He's been casually bringing up marriage & weddings for the past few months. Even around the holidays, he kept saying that he wasn't going to Jared everytime the commercial came on. Then since Valentine's Day, he brought up marriage every time we were around each other. Plus a few weeks ago, he was joking around about how other guys are when proposing, then got down on one knee, held my hands, & said nothing for a minute or so. I was drunk & I didn't see a ring, so I don't know if it was seriously.

Is it normal for a guy to disappear before proposing? I've never even talked about marriage or weddings with any past boyfriends (even while living with them) & I'm used to the guy being the one to decide what direction a relationship takes (dating, couple, living together, etc). So up til him bringing up the subject, I never really thought about it as an option.

But I know that I do want to spend my life with him.

[Jonesonaboat]

A very strange one!

How long have you been together and is this disappearing act a one off or has it happened before?

[ConfusedCarolina]

A very strange one!

How long have you been together and is this disappearing act a one off or has it happened before?

 

Nope, never. We live in a small town (I don't kow if that has anything to do with it), but I know he's still alive. Some of our friends overlap, so I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this cuz if he's planning a surprise, then I want it to stay a surprise.

 

And I don't know for sure that it was a serious proposal or a practicing thing. Like I said I was drunk so I don't think he actually said anything. Plus I always wear rings on both of my ring fingers & he didn't remove either of them, nor did I see a ring box. Can someone please tell me how to tell if it's a real-deal proposal? I feel like a baby trying to learn how to walk by myself, so any help would be fantastic.

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

How long have you been exclusive?

 

Have you met his ex?

 

Does he have any children from that M?

[ConfusedCarolina]

We've been exclusive since the begining, nope I haven't met his ex & not sure I want to (they got married too young in my opinion (she was 17 & he was 21 when they met, got married 2 years later), & yes he does have one child from that marriage. His ex & he literally went from living with each others parents to living together on the day of the wedding. So instead of growing up together, they grew apart (in my opinion). He's told me alot about that marriage & remembering what I was like at that age, I don't think they were ready for the responsibility & maturity that comes with marriage. For example, everytime they had even the smallest disagreement, she would cut him off for a month or so; they didn't know how to work out paying bills etc for the first year; he never cheated but still went out with his friends every chance he got & she cheated more than once.

 

I think I should add that I think he's a shy guy when it comes to his feelings & likes to keep me guessing. He has yet to tell me that he considers me his girlfriend, has lied to me about whether or not he talks about me to his close friends (kept saying they don't need to know anything but I found out that they know everything when one crank called me using his phone & posed as him to said "I think I'm in love" to me (I know SO teen girlish!)). Basically, playing it cool by acting like we're no big deal to him up til the past couple of months. So I'm worried that by the time I see him again, I'm gonna think it's him doing a formal proposal & wind up it being my wedding I'm walking into! Please help the confused people!

[carhill]

Thanks. How long, specifically, is 'since the beginning'?

 

Since he's been married and divorced, he's very familiar with romance, betrothal, marriage, the honeymoon phase, reality, fatherhood and, in his case, spousal infidelity and the realities of divorce. There's little unknown in his world to fear, so one must look towards the real.

 

How often does he see his child?

 

Tell me why, if he were to propose today, you would accept. Exclude 'love' from the answer. I'm interested in 'reasons' which indicate compatibility. I ask this because of your focus on him 'keeping me guessing' and 'being shy guy when it comes to his feelings'.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Ok, we met last May (almost a year ago). So to me this all seems very quick & I'm not sure of what the hurry is. But also as I've said, I've never even discussed the topic of marriage or weddings with any guy before (even to talk about someone else's marriage or wedding) & so I've never really thought about it as an option. He sees his son every week & has a very good relationship with him.

 

The reasons I'd say yes are because I've never gotten along so well so for long with any other guy. Don't get me wrong, we've had some arguing & been through some tough stuff (a close friend of his died from cancer, the anniversary of his best friend's death, him being very ill for a couple of weeks (walking pnemonia), the holidays, someone breaking into my apartment, etc) & we've stuck by each other through all of it, which isn't something that the guys in my past have always done. I've never before met anyone that enjoys so many of the things that I like - sports, music, politics, religion, tv shows, etc. Plus, we have the same views on how to raise children, how to try to have a good marriage, religion, politics, money management. In every area of his life, he's very responsible & mature - work, family, friends, home. The only exception is me - he seems to like to keep me guessing on how he views where I stand in his life & what feelings he has for me. For example, he'll break out into singing love songs to me in the middle of a convo with me or look at me til I turn around & then look away quickly only to look back, but has been making excuses for months about why he doesn't want to go out with me anywhere (but had no problem doing so before November). He's never ever told me that he thinks of me as his girlfriend, only would said we're "exclusive friends with benefits". Unless we're arguing (100% of the time it's been about me trying to get a definite answer from him about what I am to him), then he'd say "this is the reason why I don't have girlfriends". So all the marriage & wedding talk his been bringing up for the past few months, I haven't really been taking seriously til the past 3 weeks when he got down on his knee.

 

So now, I don't know what to think because none of my past boyfriends were like this at all. I've lived with 4 since I was 18 (one relationship lasted 8 years) & they all had no problem letting me know what I was to them & none talked about marriage or weddings. Those relationships didn't work out mainly because they just wanted a woman to take of them (after a couple of months of living together they'd stop working for various reasons & didn't try to get another job, etc). But he enjoys working & having to deal with the seriousness of adulthood.

 

So I guess I'd say yes because I can picture us living in a retirement home together & still joking about life & people but being closer than we are now. I think maybe marriage is how couples get to that point, right?

[ConfusedCarolina]

I think I should add that whenever he brought up "the talks", I was always open & honest with him on my views about it, just never considered that we were talking about it as if it could happen for us because of his above mentioned "shyness". I've looked up all the signs of a shy guy liking & loving a woman & he fits them to a T.

 

If I seem stupid about this stuff, it's because I've never actually talked about it with anyone before. My dad died when I was very young & my mom has yet to even date again & most of my extended family is divorced or never been married. Everything I've ever learned about this stuff, I learned from tv & movies. And I think (unfortunately) I've made the whole getting engaged & getting married thing, a mountain out of a mole hill kind of thing.

[sugarmomma]

Do you not see a problem with this picture??

 

He doesn't claim you as his girlfriend.

Doesn't take you out.

Calls you his "friend with benefits"

Avoids your conversations about the status of your relationships.

Disappears for 3 weeks.

Talks about marriage which he clearly isn't interested in.

 

The disappearing act would have made me kick his arse to the curb. Sorry but he is playing games with your head.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Do you not see a problem with this picture??

 

He doesn't claim you as his girlfriend.

Doesn't take you out.

Calls you his "friend with benefits"

Avoids your conversations about the status of your relationships.

Disappears for 3 weeks.

Talks about marriage which he clearly isn't interested in.

 

The disappearing act would have made me kick his arse to the curb. Sorry but he is playing games with your head.

 

He did take me out for the first 6 months & insisted on paying for everything to the point of telling me that I either let him be a man & pay or find someone else.

Plus ANY guy not interested in marriage wouldn't bring it up except to say it's not for them. I just thought he was trying to figure out a woman's point of view on his friends getting married (3 are doing it before the end of this year).

As for the status of our relationship, I haven't really pushed him to be his girlfriend - only to know for sure if he & I were still just exclusive FWBs or not. I understand him being cautious of having a serious relationship since most of the women around here believe it's acceptable to still get heavily flirted with after their married including his ex-wife (sitting in another guy's lap, letting a random guy slap their ass in public bars are just some of what I've seen newly-wed women here do). But as far as his saying that he's gonna marry me (his words) is totally out of the blue for me.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Ok, I finally had a chance to talk to an out-of-state friend & my sister.

My friend reminded me about how my guy would tell my friends that we were "seeing each other", but would refer to me as "his Jane" when I wasn't around (I had nicknamed him Tarzan). He also reminded me of Tarzan telling me what my present was gonna be 3 days before christmas, so to him it sounds like he's planning a surprise proposal & isn't talking to me to make sure he doesn't just blurt it out & ruin the surprise. But I can't figure out how long this is supposed to take.

My sister said that it does sound kinda soon in a relationship for thinking about getting married & if I don't feel ready, I can just tell him to shut up anytime he mentions it or refuse to meet him anywhere to completely avoid him asking me.

So all that has calmed me down quite abit. I do love him & would say yes but would prefer to make sure we can have a long engagement (like a 1 1/2 long). Plus I feel like there's things we should talk about before he formally asks me just to make sure that he's sure it's what he wants too.

 

To me this is jut abit sudden since before I NEVER considered it an option with any guy cuz no guy has seemed to think of me as wanting me to be their wife. And so I'm JUST NOW starting to think about getting married.

 

Carhill, you said "There's little unknown in his world to fear, so one must look towards the real." Can you elaborate on that for me, please?

[carhill]

Carhill, you said "There's little unknown in his world to fear, so one must look towards the real." Can you elaborate on that for me, please?

 

He's experienced a lot of life (I enumerated some examples) so any fears he has are rooted in the real. As an example of 'fear of the unknown', prior to divorcing, I had no idea what divorce entailed, as I have no siblings and my parents were married for life. I also had no experience with the courts system as a life-long law abiding citizen. I had, at the beginning, fear of the unknown. I also did not have a pre-nup. More fear.

 

Now, having gone through the process of divorce, along with a few other life altering experiences, I've learned a lot. I have no fear of a healthy relationship nor fear of using proper means to protect myself from the mistakes I made in the past. What this man fears, if anything, IMO is in the real. He understands and could be afraid. Only he knows what's running around in his head. IMO, better to accept his actions as his truth. He disappeared. That's an action.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Now, having gone through the process of divorce, along with a few other life altering experiences, I've learned a lot. I have no fear of a healthy relationship nor fear of using proper means to protect myself from the mistakes I made in the past. What this man fears, if anything, IMO is in the real. He understands and could be afraid. Only he knows what's running around in his head. IMO, better to accept his actions as his truth. He disappeared. That's an action.

 

 

Do you think that because he's gonna through a divorce, it makes him more scared or less? Also is it true that a pre-nup means that the wife doesn't get anything even a house they get together?

[carhill]

He's been divorced for three years, so already has gone through the process. No ambiguities. A pre-nup is a contract. Only the parties to the contract know the material facts of it. They can agree to almost anything and a court will generally uphold it, short of duress/incompetence or issues regarding children if such agreements aren't in the best interest of the child.

 

Myself, I have no fear and have a good lawyer, so no problems if I ever run across a compatible lady. Him, unknown. I accept the unknown as unknown now. Makes sleeping a lot easier. Hope it works out

[D-Lish]

Two weeks and no call, no response from him????

 

I wouldn't see that as indicative of an upcoming surprise proposal, I'd view it as a break up!

[ConfusedCarolina]

Two weeks and no call, no response from him????

 

I wouldn't see that as indicative of an upcoming surprise proposal, I'd view it as a break up!

 

I'm sorry if I've confused everybody . There has been contact but it's only once a week when I call him. He'll answer & ask me questions about everything that I've been up to - work, friends, etc, but then tells me that he's gotta go instead of telling me what he's been up to. All of this just isn't like him!

 

Normally, we talk for hours every night, either by hanging out together or over the phone (even talking til 4am when he has to be at work at 8am). And ever since I met him, he's always loved to tell me every detail of his day (making jokes out of most of it). So it does feel like he's disappeared from my life & hiding something.

 

So far I've been thinking it's either another woman or a proposal. But if it is another woman, then why tell me he's gonna marry me? Why not just end things? Oh & he did say it just like that, "I'm gonna marry you", not "I want to marry you". Which makes me think that maybe he's abit serious about doing it. Or is that the way most guys say it?

[Kamille]

So he got on one knee and proposed. The proposal was spontaneous, and you're still not sure whether or not it was serious. How did you respond to the proposal? What happened after the proposal?

[D-Lish]

I'm sorry if I've confused everybody . There has been contact but it's only once a week when I call him. He'll answer & ask me questions about everything that I've been up to - work, friends, etc, but then tells me that he's gotta go instead of telling me what he's been up to. All of this just isn't like him!

 

Normally, we talk for hours every night, either by hanging out together or over the phone (even talking til 4am when he has to be at work at 8am). And ever since I met him, he's always loved to tell me every detail of his day (making jokes out of most of it). So it does feel like he's disappeared from my life & hiding something.

 

So far I've been thinking it's either another woman or a proposal. But if it is another woman, then why tell me he's gonna marry me? Why not just end things? Oh & he did say it just like that, "I'm gonna marry you", not "I want to marry you". Which makes me think that maybe he's abit serious about doing it. Or is that the way most guys say it?

 

I'd think if he was gearing up for a surprise proposal, that he wouldn't be demonstrating the pushing away behaviour that he has been.

 

Maybe he has been retreating because he feels a little vulnerable for saying what he did to you. Sometimes people freak out when they allow themselves to be vulnerable.

 

You live in a small town, I am sure if there is another woman you'd have heard about it?

[ConfusedCarolina]

So he got on one knee and proposed. The proposal was spontaneous, and you're still not sure whether or not it was serious. How did you respond to the proposal? What happened after the proposal?

 

This is gonna sound really, really, really, bad & I might need to be yelled at. But this is how it went:

 

I was sitting down (AND VERY DRUNK! (I'd just left a friend's b-day party)). He was standing up & pacing in front of me & joking around about how the week prior, he was at a bar shooting pool when he ran into a chick he knew in high school & gave her a hug while her boyfriend was glaring at him & saying how ya know how guys give other guys the "don't touch my woman" look & for all he knew the chick's boyfriend could've been waiting to propose with a ring in his back pocket & my guy ruined it by hugging on her. Then he got down on one knee in front of me & held my hands. Um, by this point I kinda tuned him out cuz I liked the song on the radio & I have no idea if he was still talking or not. But after a minute, I realized he was just there inont of me & didn't know why. So I took my hands away & put my feet on top of his hands. Then he got up & said ooooookkkk.

 

 

So I have know idea if it was the real deal or just a practice run or something. But if it was the real deal, how can I correct it?

[Kamille]

So, in essence, you were drunk and you don't remember what happened.

 

Have you or has he brought up that night since the incident?

[ConfusedCarolina]

So, in essence, you were drunk and you don't remember what happened.

 

Have you or has he brought up that night since the incident?

 

 

No because for that week, I WAS just thinking that he was joking around the whole time. But now I'm not sure & don't know how to get him to talk to me about it.

[ConfusedCarolina]

So to everyone that's been proposed to or did a proposal - does that sound like the real thing or just a practice thing?

[D-Lish]

So to everyone that's been proposed to or did a proposal - does that sound like the real thing or just a practice thing?

 

Well, you were hammered, and he knew that. Maybe he saw that as an opportunity to measure your response- a practice run if you will. Then again maybe you misread everything because you were drunk?

 

Is it possible that something else happened that you don't remember? Something that sent him into caving mode?

 

I can't imagine him asking you to marry him when he knew how drunk you were- was he also hammered?

[ConfusedCarolina]

That's what I thought, so I dismissed it for awhile. I'm wondering what kind of impression I gave him as far as what my answer would be. Maybe I've confused him too.

 

I can't think of anything that happened even weeks before it that would have him doing that.

 

See why I'm so confused? I mean, what does a real proposal look like anyhow?

[BB07]

Do you not see a problem with this picture??

 

He doesn't claim you as his girlfriend.

Doesn't take you out.

Calls you his "friend with benefits"

Avoids your conversations about the status of your relationships.

Disappears for 3 weeks.

Talks about marriage which he clearly isn't interested in.

 

The disappearing act would have made me kick his arse to the curb. Sorry but he is playing games with your head.

 

 

OP..........you need to read the above again and really take it to heart.

 

I saw later than you said, he didn't disappear because when you called him, he did talk to you. Hon........what you've described isn't marriage material in fact it sounds like a train wreck and it scares me for you.