What does he mean?

[Kay]

I should start off by saying that many of you who know my story will tell me to "read the writing on the wall." It's so easy to tell someone to move on, that there is no hope, that I deserve better, etc. etc. etc. I just need to express how devastated I feel and begin to grasp what likely is ahead for my children and I.

 

Tonight, my husband of 20 years told me, "I believe that the best option for us is to divorce."

 

My response was "Does that mean that is what you want?"

 

His answer was "I'm not sure that I can answer that. I'm sorry. You deserve an answer. I need to think about how to answer that."

 

He has never actually said "I want a divorce."

 

I still believe that we could have worked things out and that our marriage could have been better than ever. Do you think that I am incapable of hearing his message?

 

I am completely devastated. Just broken. So alone.

 

I chose not to re-hash my whole story but I would; if any LS'ers new to my story would care to respond. I have never felt so completely destroyed. Bless you all for caring enough to read this.

 

Kay

[moimeme]

I'm sorry it's come to this, Kay. It was a bad sign that he went back to the guest room It seems as though your relationship has undergone more than its share of fatal blows and it isn't able to recover.

 

When last you wrote, he had said he wanted to try to work on the relationship - any idea of what changed or why he changed his mind?

 

Do you think that I am incapable of hearing his message?

 

No. He didn't send a very clear message. It will be interesting to find out if he thinks you 'should' divorce for whatever reason or if he wants to divorce. As you point out, there's a big difference. His answer to that question will tell you if there's even a shred of hope left. You had considered moving on without him; I'm hoping you have the strength you were mustering then to keep you going.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Kay

I should start off by saying that many of you who know my story will tell me to "read the writing on the wall." It's so easy to tell someone to move on, that there is no hope, that I deserve better, etc. etc. etc. I just need to express how devastated I feel and begin to grasp what likely is ahead for my children and I.

 

Tonight, my husband of 20 years told me, "I believe that the best option for us is to divorce."

 

My response was "Does that mean that is what you want?"

 

His answer was "I'm not sure that I can answer that. I'm sorry. You deserve an answer. I need to think about how to answer that."

 

He has never actually said "I want a divorce."

 

I still believe that we could have worked things out and that our marriage could have been better than ever. Do you think that I am incapable of hearing his message?

 

I am completely devastated. Just broken. So alone.

 

I chose not to re-hash my whole story but I would; if any LS'ers new to my story would care to respond. I have never felt so completely destroyed. Bless you all for caring enough to read this.

 

Kay

 

Kay, I do not know your story, so you can fire away, and I will listen.

 

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sorry that you are in this kind of pain. 20 years is a long, long time and quite an investment. I'll bet you DO feel completely devestated.

[CosmoGirl1391]

Sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation, Kay.

 

I don't know your whole story, but have you tried marriage counseling? That could help.

 

Usually when one partner gives up in a relationship, there isn't much hope. If I were you, I would just try to talk to him and see what his reasoning is for thinking you "should" get a divorce, and then go from there.

 

But I definetly think that you should give marriage counseling a shot if you haven't already.

 

Best of luck, and I hope things work out for you.

 

-Cosmo

[zarathustra]

kay, as someone who has been married for 21 years, I can safely say your husband wants out of the marriage.

 

I'm sorry, kay.

 

You fought the good fight. You tried to maintain your disintegrating marriage when many of us on LoveShack pleaded with you to put your marriage out of its misery. I was one of those posters: first as bark, then as jester. Way back when I gave you this advice. I believe it applies now more than ever. This is your opportunity to break free:

 

Kay, the past 4 years of your life have been hell. You have experienced overwhelming loss--so much to tax the strength of any human.

 

You have persevered where a lesser spouse would have unloaded her dysfunctional husband and ended her loveless marriage.

 

You are now poised to start anew in a new house and all that implies in terms of life renewal and new beginnings. You are greeting the new dawn.

 

I strongly recommend that you begin this renewal without the deadweight of your barely functioning spouse. It is time for you to unload him in every sense of the word--physically, emotionally and legally.

 

I would refuse to continue to carry a spouse who, for years, sleeps in a separate room and never condescends to tell me, by word or gesture, that he loved me, appreciated me, desired me.

 

You're a young 44 with two competent and capable children on the verge of adulthood. Get your family out of this Twilight Zone episode by re-making yourself and your family without your cold, but clinging, spouse.

 

Divorce him and start dating, partying, socializing with fun, interesting and fully functional men. I want your next Thread to be about this great guy you meant and how he took the sadness from your eyes...

 

 

 

It's your future, kay. The future may be scary, now, but it's full of promise for you and your children.

 

You will not only survive, you will thrive when this is over.

[midori]

Kay, I agree with Zarathustra. Your marriage has been dead for a long time, your husband is just too much of a coward to be the one to call it such. Yet he's not going to do anything to try to make it work. It's passive-aggressive, cowardly, and immature. But there it is, he's doing it. You can play along with the ostrich game, and pretend that maybe somehow it's all going to turn out all right. Or you can be clear-sighted.

 

You've been trying to bail the water that's been pouring in for more than a year now, and you've been doing it single-handedly. I think it's time to take the kids and get into a lifeboat. Don't let this guy keep you nurturing hope for a lost cause just because he's too chicken to take full responsibility for the fact that he has abandoned the marriage in all meaningful ways.

 

Get your friends and family behind you. Those who aren't behind you, ignore. Get yourself moving forward on a new path, one that you and you alone determine. No more waiting for your Ex-in-all-but-name-Husband to do anything. Except to sign his name on the divorce papers that you will have to have a lawyer draw up ... because for some reason he won't be able to get around to doing it. Don't take that as a sign of ambivalence. It's just a sign of inertia and cowardice.

 

Don't let him cast you as the bad guy. You're just doing what needs to be done. And when it comes to splitting assets, get all you can -- because you're the one who's going to be responsible for the kids, etc. Your husband isn't carrying his own weight, let alone anyone else's. So don't let him take what you deserve.

 

Good luck Kay. Keep us posted.

[Kay]

As always, thank you for your replies.

 

I know that I should accept that my marriage is over. I am just so sad, thinking about the reactions on the faces of my children. They still believe that their Dad is moving into a new house with us. They know my husband and I have been struggling, but they have remained hopeful.

 

I keep thinking about all the things I thought he and I would share as our children became adults ... graduations, college, weddings, grandchildren ... and then the things he and I always said we would do when they were no longer living at home ... traveling, working on our house, doing things "just the two of us."

 

I have known him for 31 years. Our 21st wedding anniversary is this May. Damn, my heart still pounds when he smiles at me ... what the hell is wrong with me??

 

I am 44 years old. I have been a stay-at-home Mom for 15 years, raising two of the brightest, sweetest kids in the world. I have not worked outside the home since my daughter was born. I felt so fortunate to be able to watch my children grow and be a constant part of their lives. My husband worked 70+ hours a week, often traveling to three or four cities or countries a week. It was difficult, but we did it.

 

Now, instead of enjoying everything we worked for together, I'm on my own. My husband's business is not doing well, we are at 1/10th of our previous income (if that -- my husband does not even take a salary) I don't mean to sound like money is my biggest concern; I'm just trying to be realistic. Everything is about to change drastically.

 

How do people survive this? I'm trying with all my might to imagine ever feeling happy again. I can't stop crying. I keep praying this is all a dream. Never, ever in my wildest imagination would I have thought my marriage -- to a man I have loved for 30 years -- would not survive. I thought he and I were different. I still love him. Maybe not in the same way or to the same degree. But enough to have wanted u to survive this

 

I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. I can't talk to anyone because my children don't even know. I'm still in counseling and that helps, but this will be a complete shock to everyone who knows us. We are like the "golden couple." I refuse to be the one to tell people, including our kids. If this is what my husband wants, he can do it. Does that sound right?

 

Will it get better? Easier? For whom?

 

(Zarathrustra, aren't you staying in an unhappy marriage? I know about your past posts and even recognized your other names as being "Bark," even before you told me. As you know, my husband had an emotional affair with my best friend and if I remember correctly, you were involved in one also. How have you coped? Are you still with your wife? Sorry to single you out, but your messages have always been helpful)

 

How did others survive the death of a dream? Kay

[midori]

Originally posted by Kay

 

How did others survive the death of a dream? Kay

 

Kay, obviously I haven't had to go through what you're facing, but I think most people at some point encounter severe and unexpected disappointment. I have had to rebuild my life after a relationship didn't work out; and I see now that had it progressed as I had hoped/expected it would, I would have had happiness but I would have been very vulnerable for bigger disappointment, with a man all to likely to disappoint sooner or later. I'm grateful it was sooner.

 

Anyway, you shake yourself and realize that, despite the hardships you've suffered, you have a lot to be grateful for. And there are lots of things you can do. You need to start thinking about the things you automatically dismissed as impractical/impossible/not necessary for you because of how you were situated in life. You were a homemaker for 15 years. You probably stopped thinking about what you might do in the outside world -- but now that is much more possible, and perhaps will even be necessary. You're accustomed to thinking about yourself and your abilities vis a vis how they compliment your husband and his endeavors. Now you need to start thinking about yourself as a person in your own right.

 

It's not going to be immediate or easy. But it's also not as bad as it might seem. You can still love your children, and your grandchildren, just as much as a single person (or with a different partner) as you would have if you and your husband were together still. You will still be able to enjoy graduations, weddings, births, Christmases. Don't get bogged down thinking in terms of "picture-perfect happy family" b.s. I thought that's what the baby-boomer generation shunned, anyway -- the 1950's veneer of unquestioning suburban contentment and pre-assigned gender roles that must be maintained at all costs, even if everyone is miserable underneath.

 

It's nice when a marriage can last. But that doesn't always happen. Think of people who lose their homes to fires. All family treasures, gone. Favorite clothes, gone. Everything you thought that mattered. And you thought you were being so careful, no frayed wires, no one smoking in bed -- how could it have happened? But if it did, would you stand at the edge of the smoldering mess, willing it to somehow magically rebuild itself and its contents so that you could have your home back? Or would you set out to file paperwork, get the insurance process underway, find a temporary place to live, and begin to rebuild your life?

 

If you fall into the trap of thinking "this wasn't supposed to happen," you will further victimize yourself. Bad things happen to people all the time. Unexpected changes crop up frequently. Obviously this isn't something to celebrate, but it's not something that has to cripple you, Kay. You can create opportunities for yourself. It won't be obvious right away what those opportunities might be. But what I can predict is that they will be a function of how open you are to making the most out of this change. The more you resist it, the longer you hesitate, the fewer opportunities you will have.

 

You can do this. I think you've been on the verge of doing this a few times, Kay. But each time you've allowed yourself to slip back into thinking "well maybe, maybe I can make this work." It's time to put an end to that line of optimism. Re-direct your energy and faith. Have faith in yourself, instead of faith in a relationship that is 50% vacant. Stop seeing yourself only in terms of wife/mother. You are valuable beyond that, you are capable of more.

 

And you'll never stop being a mother. What do your kids need right now? Sure, they'd like to have their dad in their daily life, under the same roof. But that's not possible. They'd like to have many things that aren't possible. Does it benefit them to have a desperate, depressed mother who feels powerless and overwhelmed, while their father sits idly by? Or would they do better with a determined mother who has taken control of her own life and is directing her energies in directions that will benefit herself and those for whom she is responsible (i.e. your kids, not your husband)?

 

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm brow-beating you Kay. I know that one doesn't just walk away from 20 years of marriage. But at some point you have to recognize that it's dead. No matter how embarrassing or difficult it will be for you to press forward by yourself, the time has come. You are by yourself. Your husband just hasn't got the guts to come out and leave you.

[zarathustra]

My mother married a loser, divorced him when I was 4, my brother, 2, and she was pregnant with my sister. This was in the 1950s before divorce was epidemic. A stigma attached.

 

My mother never remarried and practiced a serial monogamy. My mother is now ailing and 83. I and my brother and sister love her with every fiber of our beings because we know what sacrifices she made to make us ready for this world.

 

Her kicking out our father was an act of love--one we recognized and respected her for. My mother gave us a valuable lesson very early in life: life is tough, mistakes happen, people get hurt, but you pick yourself up off the ground, brush yourself off and show the world and your kids what you are made of.

 

Life goes on.

 

So should you, kay.

[LRT]

I don't know your whole story, but if he feels that divorce is the only option then it looks like he has already come to that decision.Even though he has not come right out and said "I want a divorce". Most people don't "want" to divorce, who wants to put themselves or their children through that? But unfortunately is some cases it is the only option.

[bea]

Hello Kay - I am not at all familiar with your story, but I am familiar with the death of a dream. I am currently going through a divorce. We would still be together, legally anyway (see my posts to understand), if I hadn't realized that what I was living wasn't a dream. Not even a little. There was some false security in staying married to him, it at least appeared like I had him and his heart - until I realized after five years of being unhappy that nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I tried to make it better, or if I went through a period of ignoring the problems - nothing was going to get better for me, or him for that matter until I made a decision and took some kind of action. It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest thing I am still doing. I have a series of good days and one bad one, so it is getting better. Today was hard, it was a holiday and I kept thinking of past Easters that we had been together. Yesterday I cried, I haven't today and I hope I don't tomorrow - and when it gets bad I try to remember all of those minutes and seconds I wasted in the last five years with my stomach in knots wondering what I could do to fix us. Well the answer to that question then was nothing. The answer is still nothing. I did all I could. I am a prize, and I was a prize to him at one time - and I will always have those memories. And that I am grateful for, I look at it like my marriage wasn't a waste. I learned a lot from him and I hope he can say the same about me some day.

 

And at some point in the future I will start a new chapter with someone who wants to be with me. And you deserve it too. So please don't stop dreaming - it may just end up being a different dream.