feel like im going crazy

[strawberry37]

my fiance broke up with me tuesday march 1. i went to my dad's. a few days later i realized almost everything in the apartment is mine and wanted him to move out. i asked him. he agreed. i went there the following sunday. we talked for 2-3 hours - mostly me begging for us to work things out. i started to get annoyed because he wouldn't give me straight answers. he wanted us broken up but didn't want to leave yet. he said "what am i supposed to do?" i told him its not my problem - he broke up with me. go stay at your co-worker's house and let me move on. then he'd say "i don't have anywhere to go" and "i don't have a support network here". again i told him it wasn't my problem. he said say "fine. i'll go stay with my co-worker". i said "thank you". he said, "i just need a few days". i said "no. just stay with him until you get your own apartment. then come back for your stuff". he said "i don't have anything to put my stuff in".

 

i told him he could have my suitcase. i got the suitcase, put it on the bed, and started packing some of his stuff that was in his nightstand. he got up from across the room and shoved me into the closet. i pushed him off me, and he pushed me two more times. he went to the living room. i followed him and asked if he felt better about himself. he said no. i went back to the bedroom and sat on the bed. he followed me and sat on the desk chair. i started again rambling about how we can make this work. we can get counseling. i don't know what's going on with him blah blah blah.

 

after about 15 minutes, he got up, moved the suitcase, grabbed me, shoved me on the bed, and started kissing me. i asked what he was doing. he said "youre angry. you need to calm down". i said "im not having sex with you. if you want to make things work, we can talk and see what happens." he said no. i said "no, get off". he said its just break-up sex. i told him i didnt want to have sex with someone who just broke up with me. for 5-10 minutes, he had me pinned and tried to take off my clothes and kiss me. i told him i wasn't joking, and he needed to get off of me. he said the argument made him horny. i told him i had to go to the bathroom, and he let me up.

 

i went to the bathroom, shut the door. a few seconds later he came in and tried to take off my pants while i was going to the bathroom. i told him to seriously stop it. he pulled down his own pants and tried to put his penis in my mouth. i was crying and told him to please leave me alone. i got up, washed my hands, and he started playing with my hair and hugging me. he unsnapped my bra, and i said, "REALLY? stop it." i went back into the bedroom. he started the same stuff again. i told him to stop. he said he'd leave if i had sex with him. i told him he needed to pack his stuff first. he got up, and i told him i lied, "i am not going to have sex with you. i just said that to get you off of me". he got back on me and tried to have sex again. i screamed "just get your stuff and get the hell out of here!!!" finally he got up and went to the bathroom.

 

he came back naked. he sat down on the desk chair and went to a porn website and said "fine. if youre not doing it, i am." and masturbated. when he was done, he got up and took some stuff to his car. i took his apartment key off his key ring. i had texted my sister, and she told me i needed to call the police. he came back inside, yelled at me to give him back his f-ing key. i told him no. i told him if he didn't leave i was calling the police. he yelled "what are the police gonna do? give me my key". so, i showed him i was going to dial 911, and he kept yelling. i called the police. the operator could hear him taunting me in the background and finally talked to him and got him to go outside.

 

the police came. talked to each of us separately. they didn't arrest him but took pictures of everything. they told him he's not allowed back over unless he had a cop with him. he acted like nothing happened.

 

ive been seeing a therapist and have gone to a sexual assault support group once. this was not the first time he was violent. this was not the first time he tried to force me to have sex with him. he broke his hand the day after we got engaged last may, and i told him he needed anger management. he said, "no this was a huge wake-up call, i'll never do it again".

 

ive talked to him since the break-up, and he blames everything on me. he said i made him violent. i asked him if he realized that what he did constitutes sexual assault, and he said "oh so now youre throwing lawyers in my face???" (i never mentioned lawyers ever. i had told the detectives i was not interested in pressing charges since he wasn't arrested and i knew it would come down to my word vs. his. i wanted it documented, but if he leaves me alone, im not looking to press charges).

 

he said he's telling his friends/family that he let me manipulate him. i said "i manipulated you?!?!" and he said "well maybe not intentionally, but its how i felt". he said i verbally abused him because i called him a liar and a coward. he started lying early in our relationship (i should've left then, but he always told me im overreacting and have trust issues). i admit that i yelled and got VERY mad when i discovered a lie - mostly he'd just tell me two completely different stories on his own. i never grilled him for info or anything. he would tell me the same story twice, and the stories just never matched up.... one of his daily goals was "don't bull**** her". everything that came out of his mouth was crap. i used to ask him "please just don't talk at all." he said all the right things and talked the talk, but had zero action to back up his words.

 

i feel like he pretended to be this nice, sweet, devoted, attentive guy who always visited me at work and showed up whenever i was out with friends. he texted me every morning at 5:30 a.m. and called me 20 times if i didn't answer my phone. he always asked me tons of questions. he wanted to straighten my hair almost every single morning. my sister is a teacher with him and said she's always kinda thought he was a d-bag and pretends to be someone he's not. i told her that's exactly how i feel right now.

 

i guess i'm confused because i'm doubting myself. is he really a good guy, and i'm a bad person because i got fed up with his lies and told him i'd leave but never left?? does me screaming at him for lying to me constitute verbal abuse? i fluctuate between being angry at him and missing him.

 

he came over last week and cried and told me he's sorry, and he missed me and thinks he made a mistake. he asked if i still loved him and had anything left in me for him. i said "if anything is going to work out, we need SERIOUS counseling". he said, "okay, we can start over. act like we just met." i said "no, you don't go to counseling with someone you just met. we don't have to stay engaged, but there needs to be some commitment". he said "no. that's all i can give right now, and if you can't do it..." and i said "you already broke my heart and broke up with me once. i'll move on if you can't commit to anything". he said he just needs a few months to figure himself out. i said no. he said 'well then i guess its best you move on. i guess i did make the right decision. i don't love you anymore". it about killed me.

 

there are so many things about his family life/growing up that were kind of red flags to me, but i ignored them because he told me i was overreacting. i knew his dad had punched him in the face when he was little b/c he teased his sister. his dad is an alcoholic and is bipolar. last summer, my ex kissed me on the back of the shoulder and said "i love you, sister" and it creeped me out. i always thought he had an odd relationship with his sister - he admitted she probably has a crush on him. he had no friends. his sister had no friends. his parents have no friends.

 

he quit talking to his family in august. he started talking to them right around when he broke up with me. i heard his mom tell him i was a liar and had borderline personality disorder. really? i asked him if he thought i was those things, and he said "no! not at all". first of all, i know im not borderline. secondly, i've never even met his mother (which was a whole issue in itself). third, he hadn't even talked to her in about eight months, so its not as if he talked to her every day and gave her evidence for her to come to that conclusion.

 

but, this is all making me think i'm crazy. i wonder if this is my fault. is what he did really abuse? he told me it wasn't. i know i can be opinionated and outspoken, but i didn't think that would MAKE someone push me/shove me/pin me. he had several "wake-up calls" where he swore he'd never be violent. or his answer was always "well i didn't hit you". no, he never straight up hit me. but i had bruises from being grabbed, pushed, thrown, shoved. once, he had me pinned, and my fingernail or ring scracted his face, and he flipped out "look at what you did to me!"

 

logically, i realize i'm better off without him. but i can't seem to let go and quit missing him and wishing he'd call, begging for forgiveness. my friends want me to change my locks, but i'm not afraid of him. i think he really will leave me alone.

[betterdeal]

You're not crazy. You're in a extraordinary situation and it's hard to accept the mixture of emotions that you are experiencing. The fear, shame, love, excitement, confusion, all mixed together are hard to process.

 

You two have a very abusive relationship. It will not change unless one or both of you change. This is a VERY dangerous situation. Someone may well end up dead if it continues. It happened to my ex.

 

It's good that you called the police and have been using therapy. Look for more support from services set up for people in your situation. Try this for starters:

 

http://www.thehotline.org/

[strawberry37]

yeah, i don't really think he's interested in changing because he's shown no lack or remorse in the past, and he's never really shown any serious effort to change anything ever.... in the past he said he'd change and he won't do things again, but then nothing ever changed. so, i think i am just better off without him and will focus on taking care of myself and moving on, but i can't seem to stop blaming myself and wondering about things that i probably just need to let go of.

[betterdeal]

It will take time, that's all, and you have all of the time in the world.

 

As you say, despite repeated declarations and up and downs, the pattern isn't changing in the right direction. Change your locks, phone number and the like. When you have physically disconnected from each other, you'll have more space to process everything and get yourself into a better position.

 

Don't forget to eat and sleep well. Good nutrition and sleep is vital for healthy brain function and will speed up your recovery from this traumatic experience. See you doctor if you need something to help you sleep.

[freestyle]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i guess i'm confused because i'm doubting myself. is he really a good guy, and i'm a bad person because i got fed up with his lies and told him i'd leave but never left?? does me screaming at him for lying to me constitute verbal abuse? i fluctuate between being angry at him and missing him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

but, this is all making me think i'm crazy. i wonder if this is my fault. is what he did really abuse? he told me it wasn't. i know i can be opinionated and outspoken, but i didn't think that would MAKE someone push me/shove me/pin me. he had several "wake-up calls" where he swore he'd never be violent. or his answer was always "well i didn't hit you". no, he never straight up hit me. but i had bruises from being grabbed, pushed, thrown, shoved. once, he had me pinned, and my fingernail or ring scracted his face, and he flipped out "look at what you did to me!"

 

 

 

Strawberry---

 

What you've described IS abuse, absolutely.

You're also showing the effects of his crazy-making behavior--

 

He's tried to convince you that HIS abusive behavior is YOUR fault.

You're even doubting your OWN perceptions, and second-guessing yourself, which is a COMMON result of long-term abuse.

 

It's classic "abuser-speak" to blame the victim for their violent behaviors

i.e. "You MADE me hit you........."

 

Bull crap!!!!! That's nothing more than him not OWNING his OWN behavior, and trying to make you into a scapegoat.

 

There is NEVER any excuse for anyone to violate you physically, in any way, or to even threaten to do so.

 

Please read more about domestic violence, and emotional abuse. You will find that your story is not that unusual, and that your ex was following the same script that many abusers follow.Also, there are other forums that specialize in what you're dealing with---it may help you immensely to compare notes with other women who have been through the same thing.

 

here's one:

 

http://www.relationshiprecoverynetwork.com/

 

Also, recommended reading:

 

"How To Spot A Dangerous Man" by Sandra Brown

 

I wish you my best---please, don't put yourself in harm's way by going back to him.

[kooki]

Strawberry,

 

YOU ARE NOT the abusive one, HE IS!

 

Do you know what one psychotherapist said to me, when my abusive ex would push the boundaries with being physically and sexually rough with me??

 

She said: "anytime someone PLAYS at being violent with you, they are testing the waters to see how far they can go."

 

And in your case, this guy is not even playing. In my case, my ex was playing (always saying he was joking, but in fact, he hurt me on a couple of occasions physically and sexually...)

 

In your case, your abusive ex takes on all the characteristics of an abuser, accusing you of verbal abuse when in fact you were acting in SELF-DEFENSE. I actually did the same thing with my ex, anytime he would abuse (such as degrade/yell at me in public, or repeat abusive behavior like accuse me of cheating, call me x times a day to check up on me, show up at dinners with friends to check up on me, call me in the middle of the night to check up on me...) I would get mad at him on some of those occasions (but not all). And then he would say, "look, you're the one yelling" and accuse me of abuse.

 

Don't fall for it. It will only get worse, it did with me. I wasted time hoping he would change and stop. Last time he did that, which was to choke me (he was drunk, I thought, OMG, I can't breathe), I kicked him out yelling at the top of my lungs to get out and I broke up with him after a year of abusive behavior. I had enough.

 

And yes, he's going to try to pin everything on you, it's ALL your fault, YOU are the abuser, etc. Mine did the SAME thing.

[betterdeal]

My ex wanted domestic violence. She saw it as foreplay. I never complied with her wishes. I did consider it, for the sake of "love", but it was one of many things that go against my core values.

[strawberry37]

thank you everyone for your responses... a friend recently gave me two books, "why does he do that?" and "framing the victim", so i've been reading those... i don't plan to get back with him or even talk to him again. his number is blocked. ive set up emails so they go directly to the trash. i went away for the weekend and spent most of the weekend journaling and reading and thinking. i know i'll never comprehend what happened or why. its hard to accept the engagement is over - and that i might be better off without the man i planned to spend my life with. and its hard to accept what he did.

 

freestyle - that website - relationshiprecoverynetwork - was very helpful - kinda scary how well i could relate to the "do they even have a personality disorder" posting...

[freestyle]

Good to hear back from you---I tend to worry a bit when someone mentions being in an abusive situation, and doesn't post again---so thank you for the update.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you're taking the time to be introspective. If you're able to stick with the NC (No contact) it will help speed up your healing.

 

Post here as much as you need to--you may very likely have moments of doubt, and second-guessing yourself.....It will help to write out your thoughts and feelings, and have a record of your recovery.

 

Best wishes~~~FS

[strawberry37]

i haven't posted anything in awhile, but i've been seeing my therapist, and ive been involved in a local support group for sexual assault victims. i don't plan to talk to my ex ever again, however, the past few days, i have been idealizing him/the relationship.

 

i feel i have kind of separated the two issues - the ended engagement and the abuse/violence - and have had a hard time accepting HE is the reason i am in THERAPY for abuse. ive been trying to heal and take care of myself, but i seem to be in denial now maybe? i am doing a million times better than i was when this happened - i was angry, hurt, etc., but i realized my life was better off without him, and that's not the type of relationship i want. i don't know if this even makes sense - but now i feel i have been missing and wanting to have back the good parts of him - the fun memories, the attention he showed (although i think a lot of it was just control), his devotion, etc.

 

my friend did a good job of explaining how i can't separate things - i need to accept he's the reason i am where i am. she described his face as a mosiac. there are good tiles, and there are bad tiles. you can't separate them because its a mosaic. they all make up him. she added that in most people, there are more good tiles than bad tiles, but he has more bad tiles.

 

i also keep feeling like i should have ignored the violence in the relationship and just accepted the good things. i never had broken bones. it didn't happen daily or even weekly. when i said that to my best friend, she asked what i would say to her if she said that to me. i told her that's horrible - you shouldn't have to put up with any violence. so why do i think its okay for me to put up with it but not my best friend?

 

i am tired of having an almost constant sick feeling in my stomach. i know i'm doing better. i know i'll be okay. i am able to actually function now. immediately after, i couldn't work or do anything. i was just a mess and have lost almost 20 lbs. but now i can actually do things. today, i just am struggling. i know it will just take time, but i'm being impatient because logically, i know i don't want him in my life. i guess my heart just hasn't caught up completely and still misses the relationship?

[freestyle]

Thanks for updating, again.

 

You're going through the NORMAL phases that happen to people when they first break free of an abusive relationship.

 

Wanting to think "it wasn't that bad........."

"We did have some good times together......."

 

Denial is one of the stages of grieving the end of a relationship.

And when there has been severe abuse, processing the end of the relationship can be that much harder.

 

"If only we could just keep the good parts and leave the bad ones behind...."

Your friend is right, it doesn't work that way--I like the mosaic analogy.

 

Your best friend also showed a lot of wisdom, when she presented the "shoe-on-the-other-foot" analogy to you. Don't allow yourself to be treated in any manner that you wouldn't want to see a loved one treated.

 

It does sound like your self-esteem has taken a blow from the abuse. Again, very normal. You can build it back up, it will just take time.It's a process.

[strawberry37]

part of my denial comes from the fact that he wasn't usually verbally abusive - he was usually nice and pleasant. he would just push me or shove me instead of yelling at me. i can only remember a few times where he actually yelled or screamed or insulted me. he would get a crazy scary look in his eyes and go after me. there were a few times where i thought he might kill me - just from the look in his eyes. he did a lot of controlling/manipulating things like calling constantly, asking 100 questions, not letting me go out unless he went with me, pitting me against my sister and his co-workers and his family, going through my phone, getting mad if i didnt respond to his email fast enough. things like that, which could maybe be emotionally abusive? i am not sure why i have put myself in the mindset that "maybe he wasn't abusive. its not like he yelled at me and insulted me".

 

i feel i need a therapist or life coach with me constantly right now to help me stay focused on the simple fact that it was a toxic relationship. i know i have to stay strong on my own, but im tired of going back and forth. today, i feel like i overreacted by calling the police - i mean, i never called them any other time he pushed me. it wasn't something i put a lot of thought into, and i think i overreacted and should have just let him leave instead of calling the cops.

 

today i also feel sorry for him - the things he told me about his family and the things i've witnessed/overheard from his parents/sister, make me very sad and angry. i'm not making excuses for him because i do realize he is an adult and has the choice to become abusive or not. but i just can't relate to some of the things that went on, and it makes me sad to know that a family would operate that way or that parents would be so selfish and controlling. i also realize i could be reading way too much into those things - his family could be completely fine and happy, however early in our relationship, he told me his family was a bunch of phonies who act fake and perfect. in a separate conversation, i asked him how his family dealt with his dad's alcoholism, and he said "oh we just acted like it wasn't there..."

 

i realize none of this is important and its just me thinking about things i shouldn't think about, but it kinda puts the pieces of the puzzle together? i feel our entire relationship was a blur, yet i can look back at certain things that were red flags, and it kind of all makes sense now. i just don't know why i didn't leave sooner. i know i'll never comprehend or understand this... its a little overwhelming, i guess?

 

there are random little things that i struggle to let go of, too. during the incident i described in my first post, he told me i had a sex addiction and wanted to have sex with him. he once told me his dad was hung like a donkey, and i can never forget that because it just disturbs me. he told me his sister probably has a crush on him. random things like that just don't make sense to me, and i can't seem to let them go.

 

i am trying to work on myself and re-building my self-esteem. doing things that i want to do. listing my positive qualities. spending time with friends and family. i hate feeling like im on this fine line of dealing with it and avoiding it. i just want to be done with it and moved on, but i know that's not how this will work...

[freestyle]

Intermittent abuse---abuse interspersed with periods of kindness and loving behavior---can be even harder to get over. It can be even more of a mind f*ck than consistent abuse.

 

Just when you think everything's wonderful again, and the last incident is far enough even in the past, that it's not fresh in your mind.....

 

(and you're telling yourself, maybe's he's really changed this time, maybe we're going to be okay)

 

It happens again.The push. The shove. The slap. The verbal tirade.

 

Now you're mad at him again, and even more angry with yourself, for trusting again. Your self-esteem takes another blow--compounded by the fact that you're beating yourSELF up , too. (you're starting to do the abuser's work for them)

 

Lather , rinse, repeat.

 

Until.....

 

You break free.

 

Until.....

 

You decide that certain behaviors are absolute dealbreakers.

 

Until......

 

You decide that you deserve better.

 

You are on your way, you've taken the first major step towards living abuse-free. No, it's not easy. But you can only control your own behavior, you are only responsible for your own behavior. You can't fix him. It's not your job. And he'll never be fixed until he goes through all the steps himself---which could be years of therapy.

 

You'll get there.

[strawberry37]

what you said about intermittent abuse makes complete sense. there is part of me that feels like if i had bruises or broken bones i MIGHT be able to just move on more quickly because its more obvious. for me, having the police involvement was pretty obvious, so i am thankful for that even though i doubt myself sometimes. i think if i wouldn't have called the police, we would still be doing this back and forth nonsense. or i'd just be wondering why he broke up with me - i wouldn't have any insight into HIM being abusive since i ignored everything for so long. having police involvement was a huge wake-up call for me. i knew there was no turning back - as much as i miss him or the relationship or whatever.

 

thanks for all your comments. its like i KNOW i'm making progress... but i still feel like im dragging my heels. its very scary for me to think (and know) that i'm better off without the person i had planned to spend my life with. i just feel like my mindset and my thoughts are so messed up right now - i can't just trust my gut/instinct... i have to run everything by several people just to make sure i'm not thinking distortedly. i wish i would have listened to my gut with him, and would have left a long time ago instead of believing him that i was overreacting or that i was wrong.