Can't get over my ex after long distance breakup; Now moving to his city for school

[fool4love]

Here's a new saga for everyone. Maybe someone out there can help. Here's the story. After almost 2 years, my (now ex) b/f broke up with me a little over a month ago. I know it's normal (at this point) to still suffer the pain, the "should I contact him to win him back" and the "what did I do wrong?" feelings. But I just want one single answer as to why this had to happen and whether or not he'll come back.

 

 

There were some problems in the relationship. First off, he was Jewish, I'm not. I don't think this was the sole reason for the break up, but definately a contributing factor. Second, we had a long-distance relationship. 1000 miles away from eachother. He's in school, and I'm working FT. He was living with roomies, having fun, bonding with his fellow collegues and going out with his many friends. I however, had to move home with my parents to save money (putting my life on hold in hopes of saving up to go visit him and eventually move there to be with him). I was often jealous of him hanging out with other girls but only b/c I was isolated from his day to day life and these other girls got to be with him when I could not.

 

 

2 Days after spending Valentines weekend with eachother, he called, gave me the "I need space" and "I'm depressed and overwhelmed and you deserve someone who can give you back feelings which I'm incapable of giving" speech. And he maintains (a month later) after limitied contact, that he did and still does love me and that I'm in his thoughts everyday.

 

 

Oh and yet another dagger in the heart, after I (only) applied to graduate programs in his same city (he even helped me with my applications and took me to meet with faculty at each of the schools a couple weeks before breaking up with me), I got accepted into one of the programs. I'm going b/c it's a hopeful, new and exciting future for me. He knows I'm coming and offered to be there as a friend. I still can't believe all of this is happening. I'm supposed to be excited about finally moving there to be closer to him, while at the same time starting school and my career. But I'm devastated b/c he's not the "one" in my future anymore. Do you all think I'm crazy or do you think I might still have a chance with him after I move there? I felt our love was special. I thought he adored me?!

[Martin Guerrini]

I know how it is. After 1 year and a half of LDR, my gf left me when I was practically in her town for a master degree... Maybe you might have a second chance but remember that is not the rule. The rule is that "a love that is lost can never be found again". Try to be happy with or without him. You can make it!

[trytounderstand]

Hi, wow, there is someone as stupid as me.

 

Sorry, I feel compelled to say that because I am basically in the same situation as you right now, except mine is worse. Here is my story, and it's still as fresh as the spring leaves:). I dated this girl for almost a year and half. Well she had to move back to her country for school after being together 10months, but we spent sometime together in between. We chatted all the time. I have FT job here. And like you, I put my life on hold and save as much money as I could, hoping I could find a job in her country and be together with her. Well, finally I found a very good job in her country, but then she found a job too. You might think the happy ending is finally here, wait for the twist. The catch is that she found a job here(same continent, not the same city as where I am living right now). At that time I had a tought decision to make. Fine, I thought to myself, since she doesn't have as much experience as I do, she needs the job more than me. Also I would be miserable if I cannot be with her, so I decided to move to her city instead. Just as I prepared to go and leaving everything behind, she told me that she doesn't love me the same way and she doesn't think she could spend her life with me. Basically she doesn't want me to come. It's so sudden, and it still hurts a lot thinking she doesn't love me anymore.

 

Since I can look at your situation from an outsider point of view, here is my critical analysis of your case, being a logical thinker(please excuse me if I am totally off the track). I believe he loved you, very much. And you know it by heart. And he is a nice person too, giving you help with your education and your move, etc. But he is not committed to the relationship. Not anymore. I realized that a bit too late in my case. He backed up as soon as possible, right after Valentines. And told you honestly that "he cannot give you feeling [he] is not capable of giving."

For whatever reason, he is not in for a long-term relationship. And nothing will change that in the near future.

 

But enough of him, let's talk about you:). I don't think it's a good idea for you to get him back, no matter how much you want to. Not only you won't get his respect, but also it's a trust issue. How can you trust him again after all the sacrifices you made? Maybe he will regret it in the future and want you back, realizing that he missed someone special, but that's his problem. So for now put a smile on your face and feel good about yourself. you are in master's program, for god's sake. do you know how much I want to get a master degree:). Well, I do a hour of exercise everyday, that helps.

 

In the end, I want to thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel proud of myself, that there is still someone out there believe in true love. I will do the same thing again when I meet another person I love, I am sure of that:). I hope you will do the same thing too, because being a logical thinker, the only conclusion I get is that the more people like you out there, the better chance I will be able to find someone special. So who will be the lucky guy in your life:).

 

All the best!

 

-t

[fool4love]

Thanks for the post "T." I can't help wanting him back, but I just keep telling myself that it wasn't meant to be and that my prince charming is still out there. It's really hard to do a "180" and drop all contact with someone who you shared yourself with, and became, not only b/f and g/f but best friends. I lost the most important thing in my life! My biggest concern now is that he will find someone else. It literally makes me sick. And why if he doesn't want a long term commitment, did he lead me to believe we had a future, and why didn't he end things sooner before I made plans to move? All of a sudden when I'm planning to move there, he doesn't want me anymore? It's just sooooo hurtful!

[Martin Guerrini]

Hey T. Thanks for your encouraging message. Yes, that's true we are going to be not only the same but even better the next time we fall.

 

Fool4love, that is a whole process and you are gonna make it. Denial - Anger - Pain - Acceptance. If you explore deep each one of these stages your heart going to reach an open sky and you are going to be free of the limbo where you are right now. If you are interested, see my posting in LDR forum ("After 1 Year ..."). You might find it helpful. After all, the love you shared with your ex was the expression of yourself. You can keep them all because they are yours.

 

As to practical matters, stop talking to him and if he contacts you... don't give him reassurance and don't look needy. This way you will either have a second chance or reach a closure to move on. All the best!