Why the unevenness?

[woundedheart]

:confused:Is my imagination or do the men on this site jump on the "get a divorce now" bandwagon a whole lot quicker when it is a man who found out he has been cheated on? I read the thread for oneofall and I not think I've seen such instant pushing toward a particular decision before. Why is it so much worse to you guys when a woman screws around on one of you than when our men screw around on us? Why should we be told to consider all kinds of factors before jumping to a decision but the guys on here are more likely to tell another man to kick her to the curb, that she doesn't love him, and can never be trusted again? Just seems that way to me. Guess what, I'm hurting too, I'm humiliated too, I didn't deserve it either, but I have take everything into account. Maybe you guys should too. Just saying...

[Woggle]

When did I ever encourage a woman to put up with cheating? Do you want to encourage a man to just put up with it and be a doormat?

[ComputerJock]

Because men are different then women. When a woman cheats on us it tears our ego down to the lowest level, why is he better than us, what did she see in him, and now that she has taken a man to bed she is tainted. Sorry like I said our egos are fragile and finding out the love of your life is cheating is like someone hit you in the balls with a sludgehammer. It hurts and you never forget and few, I mean very few forgive and reconcile.

[Woggle]

Because men are different then women. When a woman cheats on us it tears our ego down to the lowest level, why is he better than us, what did she see in him, and now that she has taken a man to bed she is tainted. Sorry like I said our egos are fragile and finding out the love of your life is cheating is like someone hit you in the balls with a sludgehammer. It hurts and you never forget and few, I mean very few forgive and reconcile.

 

It hurts women just as bad. I just think that some women like to defend other women no matter what so when they a woman getting called they swoop in to defend their sister.

[Spark1111]

Because men are different then women. When a woman cheats on us it tears our ego down to the lowest level, why is he better than us, what did she see in him, and now that she has taken a man to bed she is tainted. Sorry like I said our egos are fragile and finding out the love of your life is cheating is like someone hit you in the balls with a sludgehammer. It hurts and you never forget and few, I mean very few forgive and reconcile.

 

After reading and post at Ls for a few years now, this is my observation also.

 

Men seem to forgive less often than women do. Our egos are also battered to the ground, but I read somewhere that many, many men cannot get the visual of their woman being physically intimate with another man out of their heads. They know pretty quickly they will be unable to forgive.

 

Women tend to be more distraught over the emotional investing a man does in an affair; if he comes home, is truly remorseful and begins to invest his emotions into his wife, she is more likely to forgive him.

[Steadfast]

I don't feel the need to defend anything I've written. And, for what it is worth, it's probably a bad idea to start telling people how or what they should. I don't like or agree with many of the things I read here, but we're forced to respect the fact that everyone with an internet connection and the desire has a right. Anything beyond that falls to the moderator or whoever pays the bills.

 

Addressing your specific concern, there is a world of difference between how a man is both effected, and how he reacts to being cheated on. Some of these emotions come from within, the rest are outside influences, fueled by a woman's outlook.

 

If a man is shattered, he is looked on with pity, while a woman is looked on with sadness. If a man is forgiving, he is a wimp A woman is loving. If a man hangs on and tries to save his shattered marriage he is needy and unattractive; not a real man. A woman? Her devotion is praised. If a man blows a gasket or follows his cheating wife, he is viewed as potentially dangerous or a stalker. Women meanwhile, are encouraged to seek revenge. Heck, they write hit songs about it.

 

These standards are not made by men. The level of desirable masculinity is set by and for women.

 

I have never read one person here say that a man's pain is worse than a woman's. For the most part, men (especially with children) are advised to clear the area in an effort to reduce the chances of more fallout. This is fact. Deal with it.

[Spark1111]

I don't feel the need to defend anything I've written. And, for what it is worth, it's probably a bad idea to start telling people how or what they should. I don't like or agree with many of the things I read here, but we're forced to respect the fact that everyone with an internet connection and the desire has a right. Anything beyond that falls to the moderator or whoever pays the bills.

 

Addressing your specific concern, there is a world of difference between how a man is both effected, and how he reacts to being cheated on. Some of these emotions come from within, the rest are outside influences, fueled by a woman's outlook.

 

If a man is shattered, he is looked on with pity, while a woman is looked on with sadness. If a man is forgiving, he is a wimp A woman is loving. If a man hangs on and tries to save his shattered marriage he is needy and unattractive; not a real man. A woman? Her devotion is praised. If a man blows a gasket or follows his cheating wife, he is viewed as potentially dangerous or a stalker. Women meanwhile, are encouraged to seek revenge. Heck, they write hit songs about it.

 

These standards are not made by men. The level of desirable masculinity is set by and for women.

 

I have never read one person here say that a man's pain is worse than a woman's. For the most part, men (especially with children) are advised to clear the area in an effort to reduce the chances of more fallout. This is fact. Deal with it.

 

I think you make all excellent points! Society does view men and women, and their reactions, differently.

[Woggle]

If there is one thing men do not forgive it is betrayal. Look at the friendships the man in your life have and you will see that the one thing can sever it for life is when a man stabs another in the back. I have known men that carried this grudge to the grave. I have close friends I have literally come to blows with but the only ones that I care to never see again are the ones who betrayed me. Stabbing a person in the back is the ultimate act of disrespect.

 

The same concept applies to our relationships with women. Men can put up with a lot and we roll our eyes and amusement and laughter at some of the weird stuff women do. Betrayal on the other is like a direct knife to the heart because we know what it says about our relationship. Most women would never cheat on a man they loved and respected and when we get cheated on it says exactly what she thinks of us and our relationship. Once things get to that point there is simply no turning back.

[WorldIsYours]

:confused:Is my imagination or do the men on this site jump on the "get a divorce now" bandwagon a whole lot quicker when it is a man who found out he has been cheated on? I read the thread for oneofall and I not think I've seen such instant pushing toward a particular decision before. Why is it so much worse to you guys when a woman screws around on one of you than when our men screw around on us? Why should we be told to consider all kinds of factors before jumping to a decision but the guys on here are more likely to tell another man to kick her to the curb, that she doesn't love him, and can never be trusted again? Just seems that way to me. Guess what, I'm hurting too, I'm humiliated too, I didn't deserve it either, but I have take everything into account. Maybe you guys should too. Just saying...

 

Seriously? You're going to criticize a hurt man because he's not putting up with a cheating tramp, who not only disrespected him, but put his life at risk? Steadfast and Woggle are correct: The double-standards is ridiculous.

[woundedheart]

Really? Let's see: men don't put up with betrayal? My H had an A with his best friend's wife! It damages YOUR ego? I can't look in a mirror without crying, I get up an hour before him on my days off to make sure he doesn't see me at less than my best. While men get away with beer bellies and gray (or balding) hair we are judged by every ounce and wrinkle. I would NEVER " criticize a hurt man because he's not putting up with a cheating tramp". I just get tired of the boys club that will pat each other on the back about each others conquest and sympathize about the "old lady" and yet will have a field day over one of their own facing the same thing. And what exactly do you think it says to us when our H cheats on us? Let me help you: you don't measure up, "I love you" is a lie, I can get someone else and don't you forget it, you aren't valuable enough to me to be faithful, and you're disposable. Sound familiar? I think that the idea that men have a right by their maleness to react differently is what is "ridiculous"!

[Woggle]

There are tons of women who high five each other about cheating and take the woman's side no matter what so this goes both ways. Why are you trying to make this a man vs woman thing? Do you want all men to pay for what your husband did?

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually think that the fact we are less reluctant to drop a cheating spouse says it is harder on us in a way, we feel less worthy whereas the men look at their cheating wives and think: oh **** you, you aren't worthy.

 

Women try to find out what we did to make this happen.

 

Neither is "wrong" just the guy thinks that he can find a mate who can fill the fidelity need whereas being women we think that we could not find a mate to fill the fidelity need because this one with all of the history invested didn't.

[dreamingoftigers]

There are tons of women who high five each other about cheating and take the woman's side no matter what so this goes both ways. Why are you trying to make this a man vs woman thing? Do you want all men to pay for what your husband did?

 

Bear in mind that a fresh infidelity will cause one to lash out at the opposite gender.

[Woggle]

Bear in mind that a fresh infidelity will cause one to lash out at the opposite gender.

 

I know that but instead of trying to find common ground with betrayed spouses in general she comes here and attacks betrayed men.

[ComputerJock]

You said H had affair with married friends wife. Did their marriage survive her cheating?

[woundedheart]

I guess it is just how the few people who know about my life (the shambles that it has become) seem to think that as a woman I should just "get over it" if he says he's sorry and want to stay with me. They think I should somehow be flattered that he "chose" me over her. Well, the last thing I feel is chosen. And no, I am not a man basher. I know there are good guys out there and it makes me incredibly angry at women who don't know a good thing when they have it. I'm just tired of the song and dance that says I should make sure that I take care of what he was lacking while assuming that if I do he wouldn't cheat. If I did the same thing, even after what he has done, I'd be considered a horrible "tainted" person but he was just "in need". It blows!

[Woggle]

Men get told the same thing. According to some women I know I am to blame for everything wrong my ex did to me. It's not a man vs woman thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess it is just how the few people who know about my life (the shambles that it has become) seem to think that as a woman I should just "get over it" if he says he's sorry and want to stay with me. They think I should somehow be flattered that he "chose" me over her. Well, the last thing I feel is chosen. And no, I am not a man basher. I know there are good guys out there and it makes me incredibly angry at women who don't know a good thing when they have it. I'm just tired of the song and dance that says I should make sure that I take care of what he was lacking while assuming that if I do he wouldn't cheat. If I did the same thing, even after what he has done, I'd be considered a horrible "tainted" person but he was just "in need". It blows!

 

I do agree that if a man cheats the perspective is that the wife somehow held out, is prudish etc. While if a wife cheats then she is a cheating whore.

 

I think though that men are expected to "drop her" and "show her who's boss." Even though many may not want to and are looked at as cowards for not.

 

Both genders get the "you are weak if you stay" message and both get the "if you are with them then get over it" and "they chose you" message.

 

All are garbage said by cheaters and those who have not experienced it.

 

They sting hard, but they are also rife with inaccuracy.

[Woggle]

If a woman cheats a man is accused neglecting her or being boring and a whole bunch of other things. Just look at this forum to see what betrayed men go through.

[Steadfast]

This thread should have come with a warning from the Surgeon General. Fireworks ahead when you compare pain verses pain. Is that valid here?

 

woundedheart, I am sorry for your troubles and FWIW, I think betrayal is betrayal, no matter which sex does it. No one said men suffer more. But they do suffer differently. This is a fact.

 

Woggle, WIY and others like them speak for themselves. These guys share what's on their mind and I may, or may not agree. This is not a boys club. If it is, I'm not in it. In fact, my closest friends here on LS are all women, who I feel -generally- are emotionally more resilient and better at looking long term. But again, cheated men face a social stigma that women simply do not. Author Michelle Langley addresses this.

 

Different. Not easier.

 

If you truly feel LS is unbalanced, then balance it with your posts and insights. I'm sure you have, and will have good advice to give. I'll listen-

[woundedheart]

@ computerjock - don't know. Even more sick than the rest is that the husband knew what was going on and helped them hide it from me. I think he wanted to unload her on my husband so he would be free too. The whole thing is a nightmare. Oh, and women think about the physical part of the A. I don't have to imagine what happened. She made sure that I knew that she proved that she didn't have any of my hang ups. I know exactly what happened and the image is crystal clear. Really guys, I didn't mean to bash any of you. It is the "culture" I'm dealing with. It makes my crazy. LOL like the A hasn't taken care of that already.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have invasive imagery too. EMDR helped quell some of it so I could function. I don't know why it is considered "a guy thing."

[WorldIsYours]

I guess it is just how the few people who know about my life (the shambles that it has become) seem to think that as a woman I should just "get over it" if he says he's sorry and want to stay with me. They think I should somehow be flattered that he "chose" me over her. Well, the last thing I feel is chosen. And no, I am not a man basher. I know there are good guys out there and it makes me incredibly angry at women who don't know a good thing when they have it. I'm just tired of the song and dance that says I should make sure that I take care of what he was lacking while assuming that if I do he wouldn't cheat. If I did the same thing, even after what he has done, I'd be considered a horrible "tainted" person but he was just "in need". It blows!

 

You're trying to do all of this stuff for a man who cheated on you. Why are you following someone who says that you need to suck up your WH's trash? You don't have to put yourself through that crap but there's no need to bash these betrayed men on here because they no longer trust their wives.

[woundedheart]

Once again, I wasn't intentionally bashing anyone. Just making a comment on how things look from my side. As for your question WorldIsYours, I have loved the man since I was 16, that has been over 30 years. That is a lot to toss out because of less than a year. My H hasn't said that, in fact he takes whatever I release. It's like I said, the people around us that know (and even some that don't). I just don't like when society seems to think that it is more acceptable for a man to devastate his wife than it is for a woman to do the same thing to her husband. Like someone else said, pain is pain.

[Woggle]

The thing is that society does not think it is more acceptable. It felt like I was being lynched by many of the women we knew in the aftermath of my ex wife's affair.