Why the unevenness?

[WorldIsYours]

Interesting thread.

 

I think the feelings and heartache over a spouse's betrayal are very much the same whether a man or a woman.

 

I know I can relate to any BH's posts on here.

 

However, I think reactions often differ between men and women. Men tend to take action or recommend taking action so there are the "dump her sk@nky ass" comments. Men also frequently react in anger.

 

Women tend to reach out to others for support, to try to understand the unthinkable and wallow in their sadness.

 

A BW and a BH are deeply hurt to the core though.

That is such a stereotype. There are plenty of betrayed women who act out in anger or react aggressively towards cheating.

[TMCM]

That is such a stereotype. There are plenty of betrayed women who act out in anger or react aggressively towards cheating.

 

Very true. In many cases BW physically assault their WH (not that they don't deserve a good ol' fashion whoop a$$) or destroy their possessions. But if a BH were to simply destroy his WW possessions, a SWAT team would descend on him like locust.

Edited April 6, 2011 by TMCM
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[Untouchable_Fire]

Men, women, it really doesn't matter. It all comes down to one word: selfishness. Our spouses were willing to throw us under the bus to take care of themselves. We all have needs. Those of us with an ounce of integrity will not seek to met them by any means necessary and at all cost. I'm sure that most of us could name some things in our Pre-A marriage that WE would have liked to have had improved. Yet WE didn't "show them" by having an affair.

 

It's clear to me that he hurt you really bad... probably worse than you may have ever thought possible.

 

He knew that it could hurt you like this but went ahead anyways. I'm sorry... but I couldn't stick with a woman like that... why should you stick with a man?

 

You say she was thinner? So what? To my mind it's a cold hard fact that thicker women are better in bed.

[BB07]

Very true. In many cases BW physically assault their WH (not that they don't deserve a good ol' fashion whoop a$$) or destroy their possessions. But if a BH were to simply destroy his WW possessions, a SWAT team would descend on him like locust.

 

I read a thread the other night at another well known infidelity site and the BW posted a thread about her and the WH getting into a fight and it got physical and she freely admitted that she was the aggressor. I can understand her being crazy as it was all new to her but not one responder called her out on getting physical. I was thinking to myself.........now if that had been a man who posted that he hit his wife in a fit of crazy rage, there would have been hundreds of posters down his throat in a new york minute.

 

Inequality exists all around.

[Snowflower]

That is such a stereotype. There are plenty of betrayed women who act out in anger or react aggressively towards cheating.

 

Of course women can react aggressively as well as feeling sad! I'm a woman and I should know. That is why I send "tend to."

 

There are also men who react to the betrayal with depression and by seeking support.

 

I'm not going to argue with you if you wish to twist my words. Aren't we both on the same side of the betrayal? Have a good day.

[Snowflower]

"Reacting in anger" doesn't necessarily mean the BS (man or woman to be clear) will beat the living tar out of the AP or the WS.

 

Anger does not always equal violence. In fact, most times it does not.

[ComputerJock]

I agree with you, when a woman cheats she is fulfilling an emotional need, and man a physical need, IMHO. Both are thought different. And people react different.

[Bionic Me]

Because men are different then women. When a woman cheats on us it tears our ego down to the lowest level, why is he better than us, what did she see in him, and now that she has taken a man to bed she is tainted. Sorry like I said our egos are fragile and finding out the love of your life is cheating is like someone hit you in the balls with a sludgehammer. It hurts and you never forget and few, I mean very few forgive and reconcile.

 

 

This is true. Not realistic, but true. It's ego versus the rest...

[WorldIsYours]

Of course women can react aggressively as well as feeling sad! I'm a woman and I should know. That is why I send "tend to."

 

There are also men who react to the betrayal with depression and by seeking support.

 

I'm not going to argue with you if you wish to twist my words. Aren't we both on the same side of the betrayal? Have a good day.

 

No one's twisting your words. That's exactly what you said in your previous post. Have a good day.

[woundedheart]

Also after reading your story I don't see any place where men told you that you need to stay with your H. You are the one choosing to stay, refusing to expose, and allowing him to walk all over you. Thats your own doing, none of us told you to do that

 

 

:confused:Just so that we can be straight, I never said men on here did. I'm talking about family members and pastor. Also, just so you know, treating me as if I'm an idiot for R because I happen to love my husband despite what he has done and because I personally believe that I'll answer one day for my attempt to R or not, is not helpful or supportive. 28 years is a long time to throw away just because my WH spent a small part of it using his penis and not his brain to make his decisions.

[WorldIsYours]

:confused:Just so that we can be straight, I never said men on here did. I'm talking about family members and pastor. Also, just so you know, treating me as if I'm an idiot for R because I happen to love my husband despite what he has done and because I personally believe that I'll answer one day for my attempt to R or not, is not helpful or supportive. 28 years is a long time to throw away just because my WH spent a small part of it using his penis and not his brain to make his decisions.

 

So if you think staying with a cheater is good for you, then there should be no need to question these betrayed men on here who no longer want their wives.

[whammy]

If a man is forgiving, he is a wimp A woman is loving. If a man hangs on and tries to save his shattered marriage he is needy and unattractive; not a real man. A woman? Her devotion is praised.

 

that is so true, and it is the cheating wives that view their husbands like this. yeh, i have heard it, seen it, and read about it. cheating wifes have actually called their husbands "pathetic" for trying to save the marriage and forgive those same cheating wives.

[whammy]

Really? Let's see: men don't put up with betrayal? My H had an A with his best friend's wife! It damages YOUR ego? I can't look in a mirror without crying, I get up an hour before him on my days off to make sure he doesn't see me at less than my best. While men get away with beer bellies and gray (or balding) hair we are judged by every ounce and wrinkle. I would NEVER " criticize a hurt man because he's not putting up with a cheating tramp". I just get tired of the boys club that will pat each other on the back about each others conquest and sympathize about the "old lady" and yet will have a field day over one of their own facing the same thing. And what exactly do you think it says to us when our H cheats on us? Let me help you: you don't measure up, "I love you" is a lie, I can get someone else and don't you forget it, you aren't valuable enough to me to be faithful, and you're disposable. Sound familiar? I think that the idea that men have a right by their maleness to react differently is what is "ridiculous"!

 

first, real mean dont do this. if another man was happy about the sex i had i would think he is closeted gay. only women reward men for having "conquests"

 

second, Im sorry that he caused you pain. But now that it is happened and set in... your causing yourself to prolong it by staying.

[ComputerJock]

I think the circumstances and the environment dictate male/female responses from family and friends and the culture the betrayed and the betrayer live in. We all look at it from our own perspective and our own experiences, IMHO.

[dreamingoftigers]

The mentality behind men and women (In general!)

 

I think is:

 

Men: She just threw away 20 years of M, it would be easier on me to toss her out and find a new partner that wouldn't do this to me OR I won't get close enough to a woman for her to do this to me again.

 

Women: We had 19 happy years together, if we work things out and heal, we will probably have another happy 20 years together instead of me divorcing and trying to find someone that won't treat me this way (odds are tougher for women as they get older too). As well he will probably value me more for sticking by his side through this.

 

Neither one is right or wrong. Plus I think divorce is really traumatic after being cheated on.

 

Men (in general) seem to view it as a way to escape the pain of having an unfaithful partner.

 

Women (in general) view it as a double rejection. Brutal.

[TMCM]

The mentality behind men and women (In general!)

 

I think is:

 

Men: She just threw away 20 years of M, it would be easier on me to toss her out and find a new partner that wouldn't do this to me OR I won't get close enough to a woman for her to do this to me again.

 

Women: We had 19 happy years together, if we work things out and heal, we will probably have another happy 20 years together instead of me divorcing and trying to find someone that won't treat me this way (odds are tougher for women as they get older too). As well he will probably value me more for sticking by his side through this.

 

Neither one is right or wrong. Plus I think divorce is really traumatic after being cheated on.

 

Men (in general) seem to view it as a way to escape the pain of having an unfaithful partner.

 

Women (in general) view it as a double rejection. Brutal.

 

Add to it the fact that when a WW cheats, many times she is unremorseful, blames the BH for all the troubles in the marriage, and has pretty much checked out of the marriage. This in turn validates his assessment that she is no longer the woman he married '20 years ago'.

 

Don't get me wrong, WH are a piece of work but less of them blame their BW and are more of them are prone to accept responsibity and beg their BW to take them back. This in turn causes the BW to positively asses her married life.

 

Granted that not all situations fall so neatly into those two scenarios but they happen often enough to be true.

[dreamingoftigers]

Add to it the fact that when a WW cheats, many times she is unremorseful, blames the BH for all the troubles in the marriage, and has pretty much checked out of the marriage. This in turn validates his assessment that she is no longer the woman he married '20 years ago'.

 

Don't get me wrong, WH are a piece of work but less of them blame their BW and are more of them are prone to accept responsibity and beg their BW to take them back. This in turn causes the BW to positively asses her married life.

 

Granted that not all situations fall so neatly into those two scenarios but they happen often enough to be true.

 

The bolded didn't happen in my case, but then that would mean that I fall outside of generalities.

[Woggle]

Add to it the fact that when a WW cheats, many times she is unremorseful, blames the BH for all the troubles in the marriage, and has pretty much checked out of the marriage. This in turn validates his assessment that she is no longer the woman he married '20 years ago'.

 

Don't get me wrong, WH are a piece of work but less of them blame their BW and are more of them are prone to accept responsibity and beg their BW to take them back. This in turn causes the BW to positively asses her married life.

 

Granted that not all situations fall so neatly into those two scenarios but they happen often enough to be true.

 

Right here. Many times a cheating woman completely blames her husband and feels no remorse whatsoever for hurting him. She is very hostile to him and has built up loads of resentment for anything she can think of including small things that happened a decade ago. You can't have a happy marriage with somebody like that.

[TMCM]

Right here. Many times a cheating woman completely blames her husband and feels no remorse whatsoever for hurting him. She is very hostile to him and has built up loads of resentment for anything she can think of including small things that happened a decade ago. You can't have a happy marriage with somebody like that.

 

Indeed. From my own personal experience and from other men's experiences, many WWs are cruel and sadistic. Whatever humanity they possessed in the past is long gone. There is no healing nor salvaging a marriage with that type of woman.