Need guidance with overcoming mistrust

[JocelynE]

I'm in my 40's and living with my 2nd partner, a man I truly feel is my soul-mate (as cliched as that sounds). It's a very close relationship, so much so that sharing goes little overboard. He admits he's told me things he's never told anyone about his past and his family. So I know that the trust is deep. And I felt the same way until about a week ago.

 

We have a lovely young neighbor who we've developed a close relationship with. I don't have may friends here since I moved away from them all when he and I got together. So I was thrilled when she came into our lives. At the time she was in a relationship. Soon after we started hanging out, that relationship ended. She's a sweet girl, and we kind of took her under our wing. We have her over for dinner and movies several times per week.

 

My partner and I have a healthy sex life, and we had casually discussed what it would be like to have a threesome some day. We're both pretty aware of our physical flaws, so that conversation never went beyond casual chit chat.

 

Then one day in December, he sent me a text message to a link of this article:

 

http://mobile.salon.com/mwt/feature/2010/12/13/cant_do_threesome

 

This was just days before I was set to go away for a 10 day trip to visit family over the holidays. We went over the article and I came to the realization that a threesome wasn't something I ever wanted to entertain, especially with someone we knew well. And that's when he surprised me by saying that he'd ONLY consider it with someone we knew well, like our friend. So I lost my composure, told him under no circumstances did I want to debate it any further, and that it was very inconsiderate of him to tell me this just before I went away, leaving the two of them to their own devices. I thought he had dropped the issue and so didn't think of it during my time away.

 

As the last few months have passed, I've felt (possibly because of low self-esteem) that he might be developing feelings for her. I told myself "She's everything I'm not: young, trim, beautiful, funny. How could he not?". Finally a couple of weeks ago I flat out asked him. He got pretty angry, denied it completely and told me that it was pretty hurtful that I didn't trust him. He told me that he loves me because of my spark and humor and thoughtfulness. That he had waited his whole life for me.

 

I don't doubt his love, but the fact that he found someone so close to us sexually attractive continued to bother me, making me feel like I wasn't enough.

 

So I did something that I will regret, makes me feel like a terrible person and that has caused me nothing but pain: I snooped.

 

I found a Facebook message he sent to her while I was away with a link to that same article, with the subject line disguised. I suspect that they had had a discussion one night about the article and he sent it to her to read. There was nothing back from her, but she lives upstairs and we both text her all the time, so who knows if they talked about it again.

 

This was after I told him NO.

 

I was gut-wrenched. It hurts so much. I couldn't sit around and let it eat at me so I asked him the other day: "Did you talk to her about a threesome after I said no?". He said "No". So I know he lied. And I know that they are playing me for a fool. They have this secret, and I can't do anything about it. If I tell him "I know", then I risk losing him rather than just finding a way to deal with this and moving on, hoping she'll move away some day.

 

I can't lose him. He means everything to me.

 

So what do I do? Do I confront him again, hoping that he'll tell me the truth and we can move on? Or do I minimize the meaning of the message, hoping that it was just a moment of sharing and explaining that I had said "No"?

 

Please help me, this is killing me.

[xxoo]

First of all, you have good reason to mistrust him. He sent a very inappropriate email to your neighbor, who he's admitted being attracted to, and he lied to you about it. Why should you trust him?

 

There is no shortcut ot overcoming mistrust when he hasn't admitted his lies, and he hasn't earned the trust.

 

I can't lose him. He means everything to me.

 

No, no, no. These are the sentiments that lead people to passively tolerate poor treatment.

 

If he is a man worth having, you should be able to be honest with each other. If you can not, it isn't a relationship worth having. If you avoid conflict out of fear that he will leave you, you will undermine the foundation of the good relationship (communication, trust, etc), and you will create the problems that you fear.

 

Be strong! Communicate.

[Ella whispers]

Tell him. Communicate.

I wish you the best.

For him to do that shows that he is closer to her than you think.

[JocelynE]

Our relationship is filled with joy, laughter and communication, so it's a good one. This is the only real sticking point.

 

He's been very obvious when he speaks to her, there are no volumes of calls or text messages to her (I get the bill), and if we're not together, he's at work (we work in the same office), at the tennis court or with his kids at their home.

 

I know that they are not "involved", but this little secret that they have together is hurtful.

 

Should I believe that he hid this message because he did not want to cause me pain, or chance me leaving and wants to just move on? He is a very very good person, has taken care of his kids well, and me. He works 2 jobs to make sure that we are financially secure, tells me he loves me, talks to me, shares his little thoughts with me. He's even been actively encouraging one of our mutual friends to strike up a relationship with this neighbor girl. We truly like her.

 

I'm not some love-struck teen, I'm a grown woman who left an unhappy marriage with great difficulty. This man makes me feel like I've never felt before. Even 3 years on we moon at each other some days. I get messages a couple of times a month from him telling me how much I mean to him. I guess that the fear of losing this incredible relationship coupled with my low self-esteem amplifies every little doubt that I have.

 

I'm feeling better today. I really am. My plan is to very gently push her out of our lives a little more each passing week. We have a couple that we're very good friends with moving to our neck of the woods in 3 months, and that's when I plan on shifting our social circle more into that area.

 

As sweet and lovely as she is, I need to watch out for my happiness first. Maybe some day he'll feel brave enough to tell me the truth, trusting that I'll forgive him. I believe in him, so that's the path I'm going to take.

 

Thanks for giving me this forum to sort out my thoughts, it's been cathartic. If anyone cares, I'll post any updates and I'm still happy to get input and advice.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sending her the link to this article was inappropriate.

At the same time your lack of selfconfidence is painful to watch. You could push your partner in the arms of someone else this way.

Don't start talking about threesomes if afterwards you can't deal with your partner suggesting "candidates".

[JocelynE]

Oh I know, Pink.

 

But in the throes of passion, we say weird things. And, as I said, it was a casual mention when talking about things we'd never done. Then a little less casual conversation where I put the brakes on and he agreed, telling me that he didn't feel that the experience would be worth the possible strain it would put on our relationship. I felt much stronger resistance, but he understood.