Anyone out there regret marrying the person you left your spouse for???

[sydneynsw]

Hi Friends-

 

I've never been on a chat sight before but I've found this one interesting and informative.

 

I wonder if I could hear from any of you who've cheated, married the OW and then regretted it.

 

The condensed version...

 

We were together for over 10 years. Yeah, we had issues-don't we all? Despite it all, we were a committed couple and we had a good relationship.

 

Anyway, I found out that he was cheating on me. It had apparently been going on for about 6 months before I caught on.

 

In the 7 months that I remained in our home, I had face to face contact with him for 14 hours total. It was like having to face a death . Since he couldnt face me , he just slithered away. No financial settlement, no help, no fulfilling of his promises..nothing to show for over 10 years together.

 

Immediately after I moved out, the OW was making plans to move from another state and into our house. And she did.

 

Just before the OW's big move , I got a bewildering series of 3 short letters from him. One note requested that I return some inconsequential baubles. (a dirt devil and some cocktail glasses) A second note telling me that one of my relatives had stopped at the house to see if she could pick up any of my accumulated mail that hadn't been forwarded (as if my relative wouldnt have told me this herself) and the last note..an angry accusing threatening note with a wild accusation that either I or someone I knew had been in his house when he wasnt there. Completely bogus and unfounded since no one had a key.

 

To all these notes I had the same response: silence. Since I left I haven't made one phone call,sent one email, a single letter, or have I had communication of any sort whatsoever. I've never driven past the house-not even once. I had hoped that not hearing a single word from me would sting him.

 

He just married her 3 months ago. She told him that if he didnt marry her, she would leave him.

 

Now, I've heard through the grapevine that he regrets it and that he's realized that he made a terrible mistake. He doesnt love her. He never did. He's still in love with me.

 

Can this possibly be true? Has anyone had an experience like this?

 

I'd appreciate your feedback. Thank you

[Velveteel]

Oh, yes. Of course it's possible to regret marrying the OW or OM. I've read somewhere, maybe on http://www.marriagebuilders.com, that these marriages have a high failure rate. Guilt and shame are not good foundations for marriage, and as soon as the passion and intensity begin to dull (as they do in the real world, as opposed to the constant fantasy of an affair), people begin to recognize their incompatibilities, and register how much they've lost.

 

I think your policy of No Contact has had exactly the effect you hoped for: your ex-husband misses you. Whether he ever screws up the nerve to tell you in person is something else. If he's stubborn, he could stay with this new woman quite a while just to show the world it wasn't a stupid, impulsive, and destructive thing to do.

 

Do you want him back? Or are you just curious?

[mandrews1119]

I agree totally with Velveteel and cannot wait to hear a bit more from this post.

[midori]

Originally posted by sydneynsw

Now, I've heard through the grapevine that he regrets it and that he's realized that he made a terrible mistake. He doesnt love her. He never did. He's still in love with me.

 

I'm grateful that I've never had an experience like yours, and I hope I never will. It sounds like you handled yourself brilliantly. And while I can appreciate that you must be going through enormous grief and pain, I have to ask: does it matter that he thinks he's still in love with you? Would you want someone like him back? Look at what he's done: cheated on you, forsaken you for another woman, stupidly committed himself to her when, apparently, his heart wasn't in it. And now he's letting it be known (through the grapevine) that he has regrets.

 

Who does that help, exactly? What are you supposed to do with this information? Stick around waiting, hoping that he'll divorce her and come back to you? What nonsense is this?

 

If he didn't love her, he shouldn't have married her. Heck, if he didn't love her, he shouldn't have let her interfere with his relationship with you -- especially since, apparently, he loves you!

 

Even if -- and that's a big if -- all of what you've heard is true, what kind of man does that make him? Seems to me that he is a) utterly clueless about his emotional life, b) deceitful and passive-aggressive (remember, he cheated on you. If there was a problem in your relationship he should have addressed it with you rather than cheat), c) weak-willed (caved and married a woman he didn't love), and d) cowardly (if he has realized all of this -- he doesn't love her and still loves you -- why hasn't he done anything about it besides "let it be known"?). Do you want to be with an emotionally stunted, deceitful, passive-aggressive, weak-willed coward?

 

This guy does not deserve you. Regardless of whether or not he thinks he loves you. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone. Is that how you would treat someone you loved?

 

I know, the appeal of redemption can be strong. But who would be paying the price?

[sydneynsw]

Thank you for the feedback, friends. I'm sure everyone feels that they are completely alone when they have to face in infidelity but in truth, most people have had experience. Its so sad.

 

In answer to your question, Velveteel, no, I don't want him back; however I am petty enough to derive great satisfaction after hearing about this new twist. I know that in time things like this won't even register on the radar but right now, I'm still feeling mighty angry and I hope that his time has come to start paying the piper.

 

Also, Velvet-your astute comment about whether he has the gonads to even tell me is entirely correct. He doesn't. He can't stand disapproval and would run for a mile in the opposite direction rather than to face me. It will be easier to stay where he is and wreck that relationship. Of course, then wifey will begin to understand what it's like to have the total responsibility for wrecking our relationship dumped on her shoulders-and the front row seat to seeing how he operates when he wants out of THAT one.

 

Just as you said, Midori. this man is not the picture of emotional health. He was a total coward, and a liar. He told me repeatedly how sorry he was to have hurt me-yet when push came to shove, he didn't lift a finger to help me financially, other than to say that I could keep my diamond (as if he had a choice about that) and that I could sell it so that I would have a down payment for a house. How generous. How caring. You should also know that this was a man of means. A small house would have come from petty cash. But I suppose giving me anything would have signaled weakness to both himself and the crowd of jack els he calls friends.

 

We weren't married and we had nothing on paper. I always always trusted him to do the right thing. So in addition to finding our about the cheating, I also had to deal with losing my home-and the threat of eviction that he made when I couldn't come up with the rent he wanted (He jacked it to triple of the share that I had been paying, and for good measure, also threw in the utilities, phone bills, car maintenance, etc. ) the most remarkable vanishing act since Svengali, finding out that his promise to always take care of me was just more hot air (I didn't ask for or expect a life time endowment but a small house with no mortgage would have meant everything to me).

 

As I reread this, I still hear my anger and worse, I still sound like a victim. I don't like hearing this in myself.

I want to get over him and to move on but I'm faltering. If you all have any ideas/books that have been particularly helpful, thank you for recommending them.

 

IBy the way, while I don't encourage rudeness, I realize that sometimes people need to hear the straight, unvarnished truth. I can take it and probably need to hear it. Midori-you are very straightforward and I appreciate that you took the time to write. Don't hesitate to tell me wha't on your mind.

 

By the way, it also helps to know when you think that I'm doing something right!

[Bronzepen]

Your doing the right thing by no contact.

 

I would also suggest taking it a little further and just tell your friends and/or relatives that you don't wish to hear anything about him. Tell them you've moved on and any gossip concerning your ex is of no interest to you.

 

Good luck.

[midori]

Originally posted by sydneynsw

I don't want him back; however I am petty enough to derive great satisfaction after hearing about this new twist. I know that in time things like this won't even register on the radar but right now, I'm still feeling mighty angry and I hope that his time has come to start paying the piper.

 

Amen to that! And from what you've added to the story it sounds like he deserves every little bit of grief he gets.

 

I think you're totally on the right track. Anger is good! People tend to say that you should let go of your anger, that taking pleasure in another's pain is unethical or makes you a lesser person. Rubbish! You haven't contributed to his problems, you haven't lashed out at him. He is suffering the consequences of his own actions -- actions that have hurt you -- and there is absolutely nothing wrong with gloating.

 

Since you recognize that he is a toxic worm of a man, not someone you want to have in your life, I do hope you'll keep yourself to smugly enjoying the bits of his unhappiness that you hear about, rather than allowing any contact between the two of you. I can understand the temptation to interact with him, hear him repent, see him squirm -- but bear in mind that if he gets in touch with you it probably won't be to do those things. It would be easy to overestimate your power and invulnerability to someone who has hurt you. Communicating with him might seem like a way to further enjoy him in his predicament, but remember that his agenda is not to make you feel good about yourself -- it's to make him feel good about himself. So things probably wouldn't go as you might like.

 

I always say that indifference is the best revenge.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If feeling some sense of vindication through poetic justice is considered "petty," than I (and many, many others) are guilty of the same.

 

Since you played no part in his decision, nor had anything to do with the unpleasant consequences resulting from his actions, it's only natural that you might find some feeling of affirmation in his demise, rather than pleasure.

 

One day soon, you will no longer care what becomes of him. When you have finally reached the point of ‘indifference,’ you’ll know you have finally grown beyond this relationship and buried your pain.

 

Stay strong!

[sydneynsw]

It's good to have this feedback.

 

I've been going to therapy again and I find that my sticking point is the way I feel about being totally abandoned by the person I felt the closest to. In addition, the lack of financial support was cruel and so unnecessary. I needed a place to live and he owns houses-lots of them. One house was all I wanted. I would have had some financial security and one less thing to worry about while the whole world was falling down on my head. I don't understand the deliberate cruelity.

 

I still have nightmares about losing everything. I wonder if I will ever feel secure again. (STOP IT SYD..NO MORE VICTIM TALK!!)

 

Anyway, thanik you for letting me vent. Also, does anyone know of any good websights about infidelity?

I went to Marriagebuilders-that IS a good one.

 

SYD

[EnigmaXOXO]

Maybe I missed something in your first post...

 

You never mentioned whether or not the two of you were legally married or if there were 'common wife' laws in the state in which you live. (Where living together as a couple for more than two years entitles you to financial compensation.)

 

If you were, wouldn't there have been an equal split of property settlement?

 

If not, and you only lived together as an unmarried couple, than he wouldn't owe you anything or be obligated to part with any of the financial assets he acquired before or during your cohabitation.

 

If you were married, and he left you with nothing...than you didn't get yourself a good lawyer!

[nikkilove]

You've handled this terrible situation beautifully, and with your dignity intact and I have alot of respect for you!

 

I know two situations that reminded me of your story. Years ago, a guy did this to me, not exactly the same and we weren't together as long, but another woman, blah blah blah. I cut off all contact. Changed the locks on my door, even my phone number evenutally. He'd hear through mutual friends who I was dating and what I was up to, but I pretended he no longer existed. Maybe childish, but this worked for me (I was in my 20's at the time).

Well.........he started working with friends of my now-husband, and talked all kinds of *#it about how he dated me and he knew me.........this got back to my husband and to me, and I said I barely knew him, went on one date with him years ago......so they believed me as I was so non-chalant about the whole thing, they figured he was lying, talking bs and goofed on him about making up this "fantasy" about going out with me......and I felt vindicated because it got back to him that I didn't even acknowledge the relationship.

 

Second story, is about my husband's ex-gf. She cheated on him with the guy she's now with.......so my husband left her and he started dating someone else for a short time. Then he broke it off, and we started dating, but before the first Ex knew we were dating, she tried to get back together with him. All ready to leave the guy she cheated on him with to try to get back. When she found out we were dating, she absolutely hated me and would do whatever I was doing, but after I did it. Copy what I was doing, it was really bizarre. We've heard through the grapevine that she's not happy in her situation, but you know what? They choose their beds and they have to deal with it, my husband doesn't want her back any more than I want my Ex back........for me, when they crap on you, that is enough to never want anything else to do with them. They are less appealing, less attractive, and even though it may hurt for a while, there's so much in life to look forward to and with people who treat you better. Looking back, I'm happy what the Ex's did, or my husband and I wouldn't be together, but I so know that feeling of being glad that they regret their actions, because it validates our feelings of loss.......they felt something too, regret, loss whatever........ However, I move on and let them regret it!