Woggle Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I may not have always, (out of ignorance) is there a particular incident that suggests that I don't/haven't? I am just asking. I don't see why misandrists should any more consideration than misogynists. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I am just asking. I don't see why misandrists should any more consideration than misogynists. Nope no one gets a leg up. If at some point I have in fact said something to the contrary please feel free to let me know at any time, I will try to explain/rectify it. Link to post Share on other sites
TattooMommy Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 He is hurting her - that's the whole point of the thread! He is not deliberately trying to hurt her. he is tryng to enjoy a harmless (in his mind) actvity. In his mind he has not violated his marriange vows, he still loves her, is faithful to her, and sticks with her through good and bad. i wonder in what other areas she trys to control him. He understands her objections, ofcourse he does, unless he is cognitively delayed, he simply doesnt agree with her. When men dont agree with women and women are "bothered", it s expected that the man will change or give in. Women never advise their women friends to suck it up. Men cant be wrong all the time Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 He is not deliberately trying to hurt her. he is tryng to enjoy a harmless (in his mind) actvity. In his mind he has not violated his marriange vows, he still loves her, is faithful to her, and sticks with her through good and bad. i wonder in what other areas she trys to control him. He understands her objections, ofcourse he does, unless he is cognitively delayed, he simply doesnt agree with her. When men dont agree with women and women are "bothered", it s expected that the man will change or give in. Women never advise their women friends to suck it up. Men cant be wrong all the time Who said anything about men being wrong all the time? She has made it clear that him going to strip clubs upsets her and yet he continues to do it - so he is deliberately hurting her. Just because he hasn't violated his marriage vows in his mind, doesn't mean he hasn't in her mind. Going to a strip club and getting a lap dance off a naked female stranger is not the same as going out to an ordinary bar, or seeing a band, or playing snooker or football or whatever else he likes to do with his mates. To her, a strip club is crossing the line. Both partners should do their best to respect each others wishes. She's not being unreasonable asking him to go drinking in a different venue. I don't think it's expected that the man should change unless it's the man who is out of order - and in this case, it's the man. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 He is not deliberately trying to hurt her. he is tryng to enjoy a harmless (in his mind) actvity. In his mind he has not violated his marriange vows, he still loves her, is faithful to her, and sticks with her through good and bad. i wonder in what other areas she trys to control him. He understands her objections, ofcourse he does, unless he is cognitively delayed, he simply doesnt agree with her. When men dont agree with women and women are "bothered", it s expected that the man will change or give in. Women never advise their women friends to suck it up. Men cant be wrong all the time Whoa whoa whoa, assumption time..... He might be trying to hurt her, he might be trying to prove a point. He might even be going directly against his marriage vows in his mind. He might not love her, he might not stick with her through good and bad. She very well may not try to control him in any way. Maybe he doesn't understand her objections. Maybe he is in fact cognitively delayed. I don't think that men should change and cave everytime that there is a disagreement. BUt when it comes to sexuality in a marriage, you go to the highest standard (JMO) And quite frankly I often have told my women friends to "suck it up" in more ways then one. Whether or not buddy is "wrong", he is affecting OP on a personal/sexual level. A partner that cares does everything they can to stop that or at the very least minimize it. You and I don't read minds as a hobby (well maybe you do) so you and I can only go with what was presented. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 He is not deliberately trying to hurt her. he is tryng to enjoy a harmless (in his mind) actvity. In his mind he has not violated his marriange vows, he still loves her, is faithful to her, and sticks with her through good and bad. i wonder in what other areas she trys to control him. He understands her objections, ofcourse he does, unless he is cognitively delayed, he simply doesnt agree with her. When men dont agree with women and women are "bothered", it s expected that the man will change or give in. Women never advise their women friends to suck it up. Men cant be wrong all the time I dunno, OP said her husband promised not get lap dances anymore, which implies that he had been getting them prior to their conversation.I have no use for marriage or any committed relationship anymore but I can understand why someone would be troubled by that aspect of the situation & feel that their partner had not been faithful.. lots of guys get off during lap dances I think people who are crazy enough to get into committed relationships in the 1st place need to carefully spell out to each other what their version of the term "Monogamy" really means. A lot of conflicts like this one would be avoided that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I agree that if it hurts her then he should not be doing it within reason but I really do wish women held their own gender to the same standards. If the genders were reversed would the views on here be the same? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I agree that if it hurts her then he should not be doing it within reason but I really do wish women held their own gender to the same standards. If the genders were reversed would the views on here be the same? 120% yes. Actually I hate to say it but I might be even stricter on it because I don't know from personal experience how the male brain is set up but I can tell from my female brain that the urges are largely reasonable to deal with most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I agree that if it hurts her then he should not be doing it within reason but I really do wish women held their own gender to the same standards. If the genders were reversed would the views on here be the same? Oh, HELL yes! Like I said upthread, I did a little google "research" about what happens at male revue clubs....and I would completely be on the side of a husband who was uncomfortable with his wife spending time there Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 So I guess we are all on the same page. Yay for equality and mutual respect. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Oh, HELL yes! Like I said upthread, I did a little google "research" about what happens at male revue clubs....and I would completely be on the side of a husband who was uncomfortable with his wife spending time there I saw this show on MTV when I was younger and there was a male stripper on it who had no respect for women because he would um, encouter them whether they were married, single etc. It made me pretty sick... I am 28 years old and have still not figured out why some people treat their spouses like ashtrays in the name of cheap sex..... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 So I guess we are all on the same page. Yay for equality and mutual respect. Feels positive and yet anti-climatic if no one gets banned off LS doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I saw this show on MTV when I was younger and there was a male stripper on it who had no respect for women because he would um, encouter them whether they were married, single etc. It made me pretty sick... I am 28 years old and have still not figured out why some people treat their spouses like ashtrays in the name of cheap sex..... I think this is what happened with Stevec80 or whatever his name is. He claims to be a model who had a lot of married women hit on him and that destroys his trust in the opposite sex. Many OW have a same kind of mistrust as do female strippers. Strippers are actually some of the worst misandrists you can find and that is one time I can somewhat understand. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I think this is what happened with Stevec80 or whatever his name is. He claims to be a model who had a lot of married women hit on him and that destroys his trust in the opposite sex. Many OW have a same kind of mistrust as do female strippers. Strippers are actually some of the worst misandrists you can find and that is one time I can somewhat understand. Well if your personal paradigm of the opposite sex is formed in an environment like that odds are it is going to be distorted in some way. You may go in with a certain background and certain notions but you are exposing yourself to pretty much unhealthy members of the opposite gender or at least members who are acting unhealthy out of some odd circumstance (i.e. guy goes to strip club with buddies because he just got a divorce and wants to kind of forget about xW for the night so he gets loaded plays around and acts like a jackass). If what you see is the opposite sex having a hyper-focus on sexuality, then of course that reinforces every tiny insecurity you would have in trusting them. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose1977 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I think this is what happened with Stevec80 or whatever his name is. He claims to be a model who had a lot of married women hit on him and that destroys his trust in the opposite sex. Many OW have a same kind of mistrust as do female strippers. Strippers are actually some of the worst misandrists you can find and that is one time I can somewhat understand. I don't think it's so much that they are misandrists, I think they just see so many men who want to cheat on their wives and complain about their wives that it makes them jaded. I would compare it to the same way that a police officer might start to believe there are more bad people than good people in the world because they come in contact far more frequently with the bad. On the plus side, it makes strippers more appreciative in their "real" lives when they meet a good man. I remember one regular I used to have who would spend a lot of time (and money) on and with me. He constantly complained about how his wife gained so much weight after having three kids in three years and he wasn't attracted to her anymore . In my head I was dying to scream at him "Instead of spending a couple hundred bucks for me to sit here and talk to you and do an air dance in front of you (it was a strict club) GO HOME, HELP YOUR WIFE WITH YOUR THREE KIDS, OFFER TO JOIN A GYM WITH HER, GO FOR WALKS WITH HER, SHE IS PROBABLY JUST AS UPSET WITH HER BODY AS YOU ARE AND SHE IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR THREE KIDS WHILE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT HER." But, I made a lot of money from him, so who was I to complain? My job was to smile and be a fantasy girl who would never gain weight after childbirth (Oh, if that guy could see my a$$ after having a baby ). Anyway, sorry for that tirade, thinking about that guy still gets me going many years later. In the end, it made me understand men a lot more, and be a lot more open minded about certain things that many people may consider taboo. I would agree that many strippers dislike the men that they see at work. Ironically some of the biggest moneymakers I ever knew were lesbians, many of whom had never even been with a man. But, I think that strippers get a birds eye view into what men say when they cheat etc... that makes them less likely to fall for BS. Clearly that's not foolproof though, as I found LS as a result of being a BGF. Anyway, as not to completely TJ here, I think the point remains the same that regardless of whether strip clubs are "good" "bad" or whatever they are, if they are making OP uncomfortable and her H is refusing to understand that then it is a real issue that needs to be dealt with in the M. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 The OP has more to worry about when her husband goes to a regular bar/club than she has to worry about when he goes to a strip club. Strippers only care about the money. The OP should make a date with her husband to go with him to the club he frequents twice a year and gauge his reaction. It can be alot of fun to hit a strip club as a couple. StoneCold is on the money in this thread that a mans refusal to cancel his club date is a reaction to an attempt to control. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 The OP has more to worry about when her husband goes to a regular bar/club than she has to worry about when he goes to a strip club. Strippers only care about the money. The OP should make a date with her husband to go with him to the club he frequents twice a year and gauge his reaction. It can be alot of fun to hit a strip club as a couple. StoneCold is on the money in this thread that a mans refusal to cancel his club date is a reaction to an attempt to control. A perceived attempt to control. OP seems to have different motivations then to just "control for the sake of controlling." Her husband may react in a way that he would if he thought someone was trying to control him but quite frankly my husband acts in strange ways when he figures that I have motivations other then the ones that I have. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 A perceived attempt to control. OP seems to have different motivations then to just "control for the sake of controlling." I don`t know where you get that idea considering the OP has made only two posts to this thread neither of which give me any indication of any other motivation. Either way it`s just as relevant as her "perceived" threat to her marriage by a couple of yearly strip club visits. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I just re-read her posts, I truly saw her being very uncomfortable with her husband being in a sexually charged environment and even negotiating a compromise with him even though she still feels very uncomfortable. Could you do me a favor and quote her posts and bold where the "control' factor comes in, I am very curious how both you and the other poster arrived at that conclusion, perhaps some triggering words or the fact that she uses emotional language? Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 "A perceived attempt to control." No matter which way you slice it it IS an attempt to control. If my wife tells me not to go and I go then I am not honoring her wishes. By the same token if she tells me not to go and I listen, isn't she not honoring my wishes? It's a two way street. There are many reasons why he might be going not the least of which is this, strippers don't nag. You get to see them naked and then you leave. You don't have to put in the AC units, mow the lawn, drop the kids at school... I know that doing these things is part of being in a family etc, but sometimes being nagged about it gets old. Sometimes having a young attractive women flirt with you just feels nice. Let the man go and have his fun. Talk about why it bothers you, let him reassure you, even talk about how much money is spent, etc. But honestly I think only part of it has to do with the venue. It has been my experience that my wife gets weird about me going out on a long bicycle ride or a run. He married you, he is staying married to you. Don't get too clingy and demanding because it will only drive him away. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 "A perceived attempt to control." No matter which way you slice it it IS an attempt to control. If my wife tells me not to go and I go then I am not honoring her wishes. By the same token if she tells me not to go and I listen, isn't she not honoring my wishes? It's a two way street. There are many reasons why he might be going not the least of which is this, strippers don't nag. You get to see them naked and then you leave. You don't have to put in the AC units, mow the lawn, drop the kids at school... I know that doing these things is part of being in a family etc, but sometimes being nagged about it gets old. Sometimes having a young attractive women flirt with you just feels nice. Let the man go and have his fun. Talk about why it bothers you, let him reassure you, even talk about how much money is spent, etc. But honestly I think only part of it has to do with the venue. It has been my experience that my wife gets weird about me going out on a long bicycle ride or a run. He married you, he is staying married to you. Don't get too clingy and demanding because it will only drive him away. What part of this is the reassuring part? I'd be very distressed if my H explained that he went to strip clubs because life at home was so stressful (or I was so nagging), and flirting with other women felt nice. Now I'd have 2 concerns--my H is going to strip clubs, AND my H is miserable at home!! It certainly can (and too often does) come down to control--but it doesn't have to. When couples truly care about each other, and take each other's concerns seriously, they can find solutions that work for both: win-win. For example, if I were your wife, I would be genuinely concerned about you feeling so stressed at home. I'd take that seriously, and want to make changes so that you were less stressed. In return, I'd hope that you would take my concerns seriously, and forget about the strip clubs. It takes a lot of mutual trust and good faith effort, but not all couples get stuck in the battle for control. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 What part of this is the reassuring part? I'd be very distressed if my H explained that he went to strip clubs because life at home was so stressful (or I was so nagging), and flirting with other women felt nice. Now I'd have 2 concerns--my H is going to strip clubs, AND my H is miserable at home!! It certainly can (and too often does) come down to control--but it doesn't have to. When couples truly care about each other, and take each other's concerns seriously, they can find solutions that work for both: win-win. For example, if I were your wife, I would be genuinely concerned about you feeling so stressed at home. I'd take that seriously, and want to make changes so that you were less stressed. In return, I'd hope that you would take my concerns seriously, and forget about the strip clubs. It takes a lot of mutual trust and good faith effort, but not all couples get stuck in the battle for control. I think you may have misread me, I do have problems at home (see a thread started by me yesterday) but I do not go to strip clubs. I can, however, understand why some men do. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I think you may have misread me, I do have problems at home (see a thread started by me yesterday) but I do not go to strip clubs. I can, however, understand why some men do. I didn't misread. I understood it was hypothetical, and that was my hypothetical response Link to post Share on other sites
Canuck1979 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I don't understand why wives are always perceived as naggers and the husbands have it so rough at home they just have to run into the bosom of some young stripper to make everything better. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: I can't roll my eyes enough at this. Suck it up, buttercup! Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 The OP has more to worry about when her husband goes to a regular bar/club than she has to worry about when he goes to a strip club. Strippers only care about the money. What the women at clubs are interested in VS what the strippers are interested in isn't really the problem. The problem is what your spouse is interested in and how much of a dent in shared time and money it takes whether they end up with their D in P or not. Its like arguing the difference between your wife seeing a chiropractor VS Sven the Swedish Masseur/model because one is more clinical and less likely to service her sexually. What difference does it make which one she can cheat with easier if she wants to screw them both AND it eats into time and money you have a claim on? I don't care what other women are capable of whether they are nude for a living or just someone lacking in integrity in general. I care about the person I'm in a committed relationship with and what their intentions are successfully realized or not. A spouse who is only faithful due to a lack of opportunity is no better than one who can actually pull off the infidelity they crave. They want to cat around that bad they can get gone and cat around all they like on their own dime and time. And as a former stripper, I find people who are comfortable buying others and seeing them as little more than attractive piles of meat disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
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