we split we talked then she cut me off and never speaks after six years together

[lost the plot!]

i was dating a girl for 6yrs she was very shy and no friends ,very little confidence and self worth but in all that she was sweet and just needed a friend.

i grew to love her very much and things were great for the first few yrs but she had problems which took its toll on our relationship! needless to say it was hard but i was determined it would get better and that i would need to stick by her no matter what. she eventually made a girl friend at work of the same age (29) and i was really happy for her as i felt it was a part of her life she needed. i was 30.

however in the 5th yr my ex after knowing this person for about 1 yr herself things became weird!

she stopped caling her and i found out my ex was getting grief from a teenager at work who picked on her and bullied her. and the teenager didnt like her friend as she always stuck up for my ex.

to cut a long story short the nice friend left her company my ex made friends with the not so nice teenager and she never rang her good friend again! you will have to take my word for the fact that i knew for a fact what the two people were like!

i didnt find out all this till months after it happenned when the nice friend called me to ask how my ex was!

the teenager set her up with another teenager at work and we split up seven months after she dumped her good friend! i was gutted!

even her mum admitted to me that she was bad news but they just let her get on with it...

needless to say our relationship became **** in the last seven months we always argued and the more i tried the more she rebelled, she started to lie to me, and when we split a few months later i found out she slept with 2 people in the previous 7 months! this was someone who wouldnt say boo to a goose!

the crazy bit was i still wanted her back - to me she had just been easily led and sooner or later she would realise that i was the only real friend she ever had....after all the things i helped her with, put up with for the greater good and then that!

we talked on the phone once a fornight on average for about ten months but most occasions she would add a bitchy comment i was so determined to be nice and have a nice conversation but it never happenned however when i said i wouldnt call her any more because of this she said "dont be silly i dont mind you calling!" etc - this was doing my head in!

it was a total character change from the day we split up!*she didnt send xmas cards or b day cards (we started dating on my birthday which didnt help) i did a lot of things just purely out of kindness for her family and her over the years but she would always say i suppose we will have to say thank you now!

i explained to her i didnt do these things for points , but just because i wanted too for them and her as i loved her, but she never believed me!

so i was a bit upset not to get a card from her family at least at xmas! she even told me she was deliberately nasty to me so i would tell her to sling her hook first!

 

so i gave up!

 

a month later she calls me to say she didnt want to lose me as friend!

 

mmm

 

i gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her a month later to see how she was getting on - to which i basically got

"ive got more important things on my mind i have a long list of freinds and they are all weird and i was bottom of the list i dont want you as a friend anymore bye!"

for that month before i finally believed we would keep our friendship and i was really happy and was starting to move on and then that!

 

months later i found out her tennage b/f and g/f went off together! and she then went out with a guy of 40 who was sleeping with the 18 yr old g/f !

she was my best friend then all this!

 

one of my family died a couple of months later and i just needed a friend so i called her and she wouldlnt talk to me even after her dad "had a go" at her saying we had been friends for yrs...i was heartbroken, all relationships have probs but no matter what ....if one of my exes called me and said their family had died i couldnt just blank em...the past doesnt exist from that point you have to forgive and forget especially if the problems you had were never major and was just a breakdown over all!!..i was willing to forgive her after she slept with 2 people. but im finding it tough too now...

 

3 months later her family asked me for a favour to which i politely said i couldnt...my family couldnt believe the cheek.

 

1 yr later i called on her birthday but she hung up before i could get the words out and i never rung again! but i thought after leaving it and being over a 2yrs since we split surely enough time had passed to at least talk i suppose i just wanted to know why she was so uncaring...

 

i mean she hangs up on me and yet she was the one the messed up mostly!

 

my question to you guys after reading this is this...3 yrs later i have forgiven her and still miss her am i mad! i must say as far as the relationship was concerned i had faults as we all do but i really tried my family and friends think im better off without her and that she was selfish...i couldnt tell many people this story at the time as i was too gutted to be honest but i still find myself hoping she is ok and that one day she will be my friend and we can forgive each others faults and start again as friends!

 

i know im gonna get a bashing now as i did from my family but i need some outside opinions. thanks for listening!

[Tony T]

Posting just one time in one category is sufficient. Everybody will see it. Your duplicate posts have been deleted. Thank you for your understanding.

[yekcoh]

Do you really love her, or do you just like the drama? She sounds like she's moved on, but likes to keep you in the wings. You are mad at what? She sounds like she has problems. Big ones.

 

I don't know about you, but I have better things to do than to try and figure out someone who won't let you in. Let her go!!!! Get rid of the anger somewhere else. Find another, a nice one. One who'll enjoy you and who you'll enjoy.

 

Life is too short to hang on to something you don't have.

 

Good Luck

 

P.S.

Sometimes people don't have a lot of time to read, so you'll receive more responses if you keep it short.

 

Y

[lost the plot]

thank you tony i thought i stuck it in the wrong catergory that was all

[Velveteel]

I'll keep this short. She's mean. Never contact her again. The lovely person you remember is gone. You can cherish the past, but it will never come back. She shows no interest in knowing you, and hasn't in a long time. And now she even hangs up on you without waiting to hear what you called to say. Could a message be any more clear?

 

Maybe you are just a gentle soul who has warm feelings toward everyone, even if they've hurt you. But chances are that you're losing opportunities by nurturing these unrequited feelings. Shut this door and find a new girlfriend. You may be surprised how little you miss the ex.

[lost the plot]

thanks for the reply ,

 

my family think that as soon as this current b/f is off the scene she will be back having no friends again!

 

my sisters are worried that she will come crawling back and that i wont tell her to do what you probably sound like you would suggest!

 

we did split for 2 weeks 3 yrs into it mainly cos she had a new friend for a couple of weeks , but this new found fried went back to her b/f as she split up with him a couple of weeks b4. she then rang me crying and i took he back.....maybe i should have seen it then i felt she only came back cos she had no one else then and my sisters think eventually she will do the same!

[uriel]

This girl's original shyness, perhaps even social maladaption, created an even more intense bond between the two of you than is usual between friends or romantic couples. You obviously did help her to gain confidence and heal a bit, since she was able to form outside friendships after having been with you for some time.

 

However, I don't know that her behavior now is any less "her" than her behavior before. Often, when people have the sort of social maladaption you describe, they don't exhibit their underlying personality, feelings, etc., since they are too afraid to express themselves. Once they gain a greater comfort level, they also express more of their inner life.

 

Of course, they might express that inner life in more extreme or rebellious ways, since it's been bottled up. That sounds like what your former girlfriend has been doing. She's making up for lost time through experimentation and acting out.

 

It's likely that some of this behavior has to do with her response to her family dynamic. She likely felt neglected or oppressed by them in some way. Now, unfortunately, I'm guessing she associates you with that aspect of her past, especially because you became close to her family. She wants to put that behind her. Whether it's fair or not, she's throwing out the baby with the bath -- you with her old self, her old way of relating to others / her family.

 

This may not be a resolvable problem. She may not be completely self-conscious of why she has a negative response to you at a deep level. You don't have access to her emotionally, intimately, to explain that you don't mean to reconnect on the same old terms.

 

Maybe one point of access is to write saying, I know you're now this sort of person, not the one that I met. That's okay with me -- I'm glad you're becoming who you want to be. I just want to be able to talk sometimes and catch up on our lives.

 

The barrier to this may be that you /are/ still judging her (don't like her current behavior or choices) and wanting at some level for her to be the girl you initially met and developed a bond with. You want to take your old role with her: as her only real friend. She obviously wants many more friends and experiences and a more open life than she had before. She doesn't want to be put back into the box in which she could barely breath. She doesn't want to be that shut-down, carefully controlled mouse.

 

Who can blame her?

 

-- uriel

[lost the plot]

ive tried dating a couplr of people dince but like you said it was a different sort of bond we had and i care for her everyday nut im also anget that she treated me like crap and listened to other peoples opinion, but then i forget the bad every now and then and im back to square one ive tried counseling friends family but i cant move on and i have this terrible feeling of guilt like ive really hurt her and thats why she wont speak to me! it eats me away !

i found out afterwards that she told her work colleagues who never knew me and her family that i mentally abused her, and i put her down all the time but to be honest when you try and try frustration sets in and i did say things i regret , but all i want to do is say sorry and i cant as she doesnt live with her parents anymore and shes moved on with that bloke...its her 30th birthday next month and i want to send a card but my relatives think im mad and that she doesnt deserve it as do my friends but i feel guilty! especially that i have tried to talk to her for so long and she just treats me like a bad part of her life! why does she hate me... i wanted to tell her how i feel but i feel like i would be sending a letter to show her friends so she could just say to them " see look i was right it was his fault!" god i wish we could talk....it would be better to her face i feel as its more personal but ive never had the oportunity!