tobydog1 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Sorry, I feel so down again the past few days and need to get it all out... 6 months since stbx literally deserted us. I know I was a bad wife and did not look after him.... I drank too much and lost respect for him. But I loved him so why did I do this? I drove him away I know. The man I truly loved. For 6 months I have been ill with it all. I am weak, I should be getting better by now surely? I am so sad that he does not want to see our son, has given us no money and does not care whether we live or die........... I have done all the drama Queen stuff, but now leave him alone. He hates me so much he does not want any contact. He has shown us no care or compassion or kindness in 6 months. he must hate me so much...... I am however, so proud of my son, who is really happy and wonderful and myself for giving up drinking too. All I wanted was to be a good wife and I could not do it. Now I have lost him....I am also surprised by this as he has walked away from a lovely house, new car that he loved, his dogs, now one dog and of course his son. I think he has lost the business too that he took with him. He has nothing, well HER, and a rented house, no money and in debt. So, anything must be better than us and that is what is hurting me today. Just looking through my diary the few months before he left and we had many lovely days out, chose a sofa and paint, he worked hard on the decking in the yard.....IT just does not make much sense to me. His mother, who used to visit every Thursday, now has not been for 3 months.....to see her grandson....... Sorry, I am in pieces here again....all thoughts welcome from you wise lot who have helped me so much and I am grateful x Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 I highly suggest a support group. See a therapist. First thing first and that is for YOU to take care of YOU. You are all that boy has. I raised three alone. You will be amazed how much strength you have. Let him have the illness not you and for goodness sake stay away from the alcohol love. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) My, Tobydog, this side of things certainly is surreal to me also. I had formed a somewhat totally different image of your plight. But I went back and read your old posts, where you documented your past posts. Nonetheless, be it confession or reflection is good for the soul. I have made mine too on LS, a little here, a little there. Certainly not all at once, as I am too ashamed of myself. There may have been a reason to turn to the bottle. I am wondering how long it went on, how bad it was? I am also wondering if alchohol contributed to the Drama Queen aftermath - as you are sounding like a different person to me, today. I might interpret it's relevance to H leaving, if I had more detail on the role the alchohol played in both your lives before he left. Of course, I understand that is a private matter and I respect that if you'd rather not discuss it further. The most wonderful thing that could happen is that you have stopped drinking all togther. You are now totally under control of yourself. Too, there is such a sound of remorse in your post. I can feel it, and if I can feel, others can feel it as well. Since you seem to be in a self-examination phase, I'm going to make a suggestion to you, one which I need to take myself. It certainly not meant to hurt your feelings. I notice that you and I both do something very similar (although you toned it down some in this last post). I talked to my theripist about it - and why I do it (people do it for different reasons) and how to stop. It is called the "Ain't It Awful" game, or the "Poor Me" game. I catch myself doing it all the time, now that I practicing to stop it. Whenever someone says "how are you?" -- I automatically spew how bad things are because of my disability and all the meds I have take and the divorce and blah, blah, blah, poor me, poor me. Whomever I'm talking to provides the usual sympathy (which bores me and makes me impatient). So here is why I think I do it. It is that story, the telling of it, that gives me the rush -- as all eyes are focused on my incredible story. My theripist thinks FOR ME, it is to be the center of attention, a self-esteme issue, and the response and/or suggestions people might give me I could care less about. That's when the "Yes, but......." game starts. That allows me to get another "poor me" story going about H to dispute the good intentioned suggestion that it is good that I'm away from him (which is the opposite of what I want, that is, I don't seem to be interested in solutions it appears). In your case, I think it would be better for you to stop saying anything negative about H (especially with how you still feel about him). You know the kind of things you tend to repeat -- he left us without any money, he walked out on his own son, no care/compassion, deserted us, he is with an old hag, etc. ALL these things are true, no doubt. And LS is a place to get it off your chest. However, I'm thinking now, after reading this post, that you may want to think about holding your tongue when it comes to saying anything negative about H and situation (to your son, H, OW, family, outside world, etc.). Things get around. If you are dissing him, he may hear about it through the grapevine (accurately or inaccuratly), and that doesn't exactly move you towards your goal, does it? Actually, instead of informing people about "how awful it is," I would try to spin things in a positive way. Have you considered expressing (i.e., spreading) the exact opposite word when you speak about H and situation? If you can't think of a way to turn your position around, make me a numbered list of "Poor Me's" and "Ain't It Awful's" and I'll turn everyone around into a positive, and that can be your playbook. On another topic. Something I noticed when I re-read all your posts. It is very interesting at what point you started really, really, really wanting him to come back to you. Without looking at your posts, do you know what event triggered that response in you? Edited April 6, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author tobydog1 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 Yas, Tell me about why you have now gotten a totally different picture? Maybe I just can't see it? Please tell me..... I have been to the lawyers today and done the affidavit so the D sould be through soon. Very sad it was. Re the drinking... his father was a drunk and hit him. He never used to drink. I liked a drink on a Tuesday and Friday, my me time as I am an old mother. And I got so so tired and just wanted to chill with a beer and the computer. Nothing stronger. He carried on about it and we argued. Said lots of nasty and hurtful things....both of us He hated it But I could not stop my me time...... How I wish I did.... I am no alki at all, never missed a day off work etc Sad that he has put me in the same box as his father now. I don't think he will ever talk or be civil to me again. Dx Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 He's looking for an excuse to distance himself so he equated your drinking to the one thing he hated in life...his father and the abuse he suffered at his hands. I don't know you; however, if you do have a problem. There is support out there. NOW, with that said. You need to start looking out for you and your son. You need to live life and continue to make it better for the two of you. You may feel down right now but you are definately not out. You need to pick yourself up even when you don't feel like moving. It does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Yas, Tell me about why you have now gotten a totally different picture? Maybe I just can't see it? Please tell me..... I have been to the lawyers today and done the affidavit so the D sould be through soon. Very sad it was. Re the drinking... his father was a drunk and hit him. He never used to drink. I liked a drink on a Tuesday and Friday, my me time as I am an old mother. And I got so so tired and just wanted to chill with a beer and the computer. Nothing stronger. He carried on about it and we argued. Said lots of nasty and hurtful things....both of us He hated it But I could not stop my me time...... How I wish I did.... I am no alki at all, never missed a day off work etc Sad that he has put me in the same box as his father now. I don't think he will ever talk or be civil to me again. Dx Well, I started reading your post in late February - or whenever I first responsed, and continued from there. The issues you wanted to disect were easy and clear enough to me to need no additional details. In hindsight, after reading all your threads, I feel the same way. Actually, I wrote the above thread but did not post it, because I was not sure about it. But didn't change anything of substance, and posted it last night (although, I did not respond to a some things I did not know in the threads). As to your inquiry. I found your last post, as I said, was in part a self-examination. It was more reflective and contemplative - the post just sort of took me by surprise. In that post you took a great deal of responsibility for the break-down of the partnership, when you may often tend to focus "outward" on the negative conduct of others. It was as if you had suddenly "let go," and moved smoothly into a mature acceptance stage, resigned, just like that. I thought that demontrated tremendous growth. Even the "color" and/or aura, if you will, of this post was totally different. Parts of it had a new a glowing "rose" color, these portions were more peaceful to read. Although the post contained sadness, there was a harmony, more order about it (your primary blue was still there). You other posts typically contain 2-3 primary colors (red, yellow and/or blue) bombastically out of rhythm (by example, one where I responded about getting documented with authorities. Those during that period were all 3 primaries in total khaos. I have really related to what you desire, and am experiencing the same longings. I saw a similarity in some of our tendencies, and wanted to share what I had learned with you by my examples. Now that I recognize these games, I can catch myself if I start to do it. Anyway, I was just trying to be helpful, not implying that you are as mental as me! Hope this helps! And the LS community may now refer to me as the smart-as_ witchdoctor. Yas Edited April 7, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author tobydog1 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Share Posted April 7, 2011 Thanks Yas, I certainly do feel calmer and believe I have accepted it, albeit with much sadness. I am certainly not the screaming, crying, mad drama queen of several months ago! You are very astute! I now take full responsibility for the breakdown, which is a heavy burden to bear. And I am so sorry for what I have done to him.....I just hope he is happy. I have my wonderful son and we are doing Ok, lots of walks and fun. Thanks x Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 There it is again! Totally rose. Maybe you should carry some seed in your pocketbook, as birds may start wanting to eat out of your hand! You are doing great Deb! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tobydog1 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Share Posted April 7, 2011 I must re-read my past posts, I must have sounded mad. But I was in despair and very ill too. I am better now, tho very sad.... When I say I am better, I eat and do things whereas for 3 months I did neither. I am sorry for ruining his life, I am so sad that he neither cares whether we live or die, I am sorry my son has no daddy anymore. I am sorry he hates me so much. I am sorry I let a bottle of beer ruin lives. I thought he would be by my side for ever and I am sorry he is no longer my husband who cared for us. All my fault. But hey ho, on and up....We are going to York tomorrow for the day, on the river and for lunch and on Monday I am away to South Africa for 2 weeks! Never been and can't wait! Dx Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Totally rose again. You mend quick, what's your secret? The trips sound great! I just feel in my bones that you are suddenly doing everything exactly right, and when you emerge from the end of the tunnel, there will be sunlight and happiness again for you. PS It usually takes both a husband and wife to separate, end a marriage and/or get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
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