3 Year relationship goes on break, comes back a mess

[sadbf]

My girl friend and I had been together for almost 3 years now. I never did anything to encourage her cheating, we never even had a serious fight. She recently turned 21 and wanted to do 21 year old things, clubs, bars ect. I was hesitant to the idea and didnt want her going to a specific club with a person so she broke up with me. A few days later she had sex with another guy while we were broken up. A week later she tells me she wants to get back together. I found out on my own, she wasn't planning on telling me because she wanted to get back together with me. Is this cheating? I feel severely betrayed that someone could go from loving me so deeply to showing callous disregard for my feelings so easily. I'm unsure of how I feel about the whole situation. Guidance please!

[Memphis Raines]

while its not technically cheating, when one says "lets go on a break", they are saying, "I want to #### other people".

 

I wouldn't waste my time with her. You are on a break? stay on it indefinitely.

 

she broke up with you so she could bang other guys. Now she thinks you will be there after dangling the string. don't let her. move on, or you will regret getting back with her.

[sadbf]

**** sucks

[Chi townD]

Dude? Really? She was with you for 3 YEARS, broke up with you and within a few days (48,72 or 96 hours) had sex with someone else. Sounds like she didn't value you or the relationship. She wanted to party and have sex with other people. So, give her the freedom she wants!!!! Is she telling you that it doesn't count because you guys were broken up or is she remorseful to what happened? Regardless, you were broken up, but it wasn't respectful to the 3 year relationship you did have, and this should hurt you just as much as if you were cheated on, don't let her tell you different.

[sadbf]

Yeah I agree, I told it it was totally wrong enough though we were broken up and she needs to quit lying to herself to make her feel better since we were broken up at the time. She is very remorseful about it and right now I think shes handling it worse than I am. Shes a total wreck and still tells me she loves me blah blah blah. I've just grown so cold to her now, I want us to be back together but only if this had never happened. Now I'm unsure.

[reservoirdog1]

It wasn't cheating. But that doesn't mean you aren't going to be hurt by it.

 

I was in a similar situation several years ago, but from another perspective. I started dating a woman, and at about the two month mark she started displaying some neurotic, controlling tendencies. Got more and more so. This wasn't acceptable to me, especially from somebody I hadn't even known a few months earlier, so I broke it off with her after four months. As far as I was concerned, it was over. She kept calling me, though.

 

Five or six weeks after I ended it, I slept with somebody else. Then, about three weeks later, the woman I'd dated for 4 months called me and proposed that we get together "as friends". Probably a bad idea in retrospect, but I met up with her anyway. Within a couple of weeks, we'd decided to give things another try. Very early on in the back-togetherness, she asked me point blank if I'd slept with anybody else while we had been apart. I said that I had.

 

Initially it seemed to me (naively, I now see) as though this fact wouldn't be a problem for us. But it was, and it became more and more of one. Eventually it reached the point where she wanted me to acknowledge that I'd cheated on her. I didn't feel I should do that (she'd gone on a couple of casual dates while we'd been apart, so as far as I was concerned, the indications at that time were that we were through). But it kept rearing its head, over and over, and it took on new aspects which I won't get into here. And a year and a half after we got back together, I finally ended the relationship for good.

 

The point in all this is, it sounds likely that you'll be bothered by your GF's actions for quite some time, especially given (a) the speed with which she slept with somebody else, and (b) the fact that you found out on your own. I think you should seriously consider whether or not it's going to be possible for the two of you to have a successful, happy relationship in those circumstances.

[Chi townD]

Telling you that she still loves you? Yeah, she has a funny way of showing it. And what's worse is that she wasn't going to tell you. Putting your life at risk, because usually in these situations, protection is rarely used.

[seibert253]

Technically, not cheating.

 

But the upmost in disrespect for you.

 

Shows you exactly how much she respects and "loves" you.

 

She needs to stay gone.

[Darren Steez]

I don't get she wanted to do "21" things, so you guys break up and she has sex. Look it's as well and good being remorseful after the fact, and hey if you want to make yourself feel better, maybe after she had sex she saw how good your relationship actually was, but this sounds planned to me, or at least she had thoughts about going out and "really" enjoying herself.

But it's not the here and now is it, she's displayed worrying behavior for me, and the next time she gets bored or flat out meets someone in a club, what's to stop her from cheating again? The barrier's been broken hasn't it?

[Sazerac]

What it looks like to me is:

 

She sees/meets this other guy and is fascinated with him. She decides to break up with you so that she go have sex with this other guy. Afterward she found out that he really wasn't "all that and a bag of chips" she figured she could always come back to you.

 

Tell me, how does it feel being second fiddle?

 

Kick her to the curb and be done with her. Show her the exact same concern she showed you. Good riddance.