giggleloop Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 I really need to get away, but I'm hesitant to go. I am so tempted to just get on a bus/plane/train/whatever and go far away from here. I don't know which one of 2 men is my real father. i think my mum wants to kick me out of the house. a 'very close friend' (his words) visited me last week who i haven't seen for 5 months. we had sex, but he didn't even want to hold my hand public. I really want to hate him, but whats the point? he lives 890km away. I only have one really close friend that i can really talk to but she lives 2 hours away and i only get to see her once every 2 weeks. i find it hard making new friends, because i always think they don't like me or find me boring. (just me being paranoid) i really want to go and be my own self, not have to worry about my family, and whether i'm making them happy. I always seem to be making sure everyone else under the sun is happy, and i never think about what I want. My head hurts, my mind hurts, my heart hurts, its all too much. i want to go and be on my own for a while. You'll all probably think I'm being silly, but i really do think that if I stay here any longer, my head will explode. (if you'd like more details of the above, just ask... i didn't want to make this first post too long with too much waffle. i hope what i've written makes sense) Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Hi giggleloop, First, we do need a few more details How old are you? are you still in secondary school? Who do you live with - your mom and which of these two men you think are your father? Is this "friend" 890km a real friend or just someone who wants sex? Second, I can't recommend a therapist enough. It would have made a world of difference to me to have talked to one as a teenager (that and depression medication! I ran away from home for a while as a young teenager (before I finished high school) and I had a fairly rough go of it because I had no where to go or anyone to stay with. I hithc-hiked from town to town until I literally fell into a job as a dishwasher (I was hanging out next to a brand new breakfast restraunt that was just opening and the woner offered me a job!). But anyway, my advice is to NOT go anywehere until you have somewhere to go to. Is there any family or family friends that you can go live with? Maybe you can even join one of these student exchange programs and go live with another family in your country or abroad. Will chat more ... Cheers A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giggleloop Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Hey AG, thanks for replying. I turned 20 last month, and I live mainly with my mum but I go to my dads for a few days every 2nd week or so. I still live at home, as I can't afford to move out yet. I was at uni last year, but the course i was doing didn't interest me. Now I'm job hunting, but not really sure what kind of work i want to do. I went overseas to visit my brother and sister for a few months last year (thats when i met my guy friend. I actually told him the story about my mums affair. He was the first person I have ever discussed that with. But when I got back from overseas, I decided I needed to tell my close friend about it. I haven't even talked about it with my mum since she told me about it, and that was 8 years ago I think!) I was quite different when I was overseas, because I was travelling alone mostly, I found it easy to talk to other people, (just friendly conversation) but now that I'm back home, I've gone back to how I used to be... when i'm with people i know and i meet new people, i go really quiet and can never think of anything to say, but when i meet people one on one, i can just talk all the time. i don't know why that is, maybe its just a psycological thing that if i say something stupid in front of the people i know, i'm subconsiously worried they'll think i'm silly. i don't know if that makes sense but its hard to explain. Up until yesterday (when the guy flew home), i suppose i thought he was a real friend, but now I'm not so sure.. it did feel like he was just there for the sex. I'm all confused!! things were fine at the start of the week, he'd kiss me when no one was looking, but by the end of his stay here, I felt like I was annoying him or something because of the way he acted with me. Even when we were alone he wouldn't hug me or anything unless i hugged him first. He is a nice guy, and i want to keep in contact with him, but i think next time I see him (if I ever do see him) i'll keep it as just friends. He said as he was leaving he’d like to keep in contact, but before that he told me to find myself another man. He said that before I left him overseas too.. I've had the feeling he says that so that if he finds someone he won't feel guilty about me thinking we are a couple or something? he always says 'love always, [his name] xoxox' and 'thinking of you always' and stuff like that in his emails which i'm not sure if he meant it or not... maybe he did at the time.. i'm just confused. Since I got back from overseas in October, I've been seriously thinking about getting tests done to find out which is my biological father, but have discovered it costs up to AU$900 for the test! I can't really afford that at the moment, and i don't know how to bring up the subject with my mum. I don't know many of the details of the affair... my dad apparently slept with a friend of my family, so then my mum slept with the woman’s husband, and then mum got pregnant. I don't know if they used protection or anything like that though… Mum also told me that people told her to get an abortion at the time!! But she made her own decision to keep me. My brother, sister and I are very good friends with the other couples kids, and none of them know about the situation, and my dad is unaware that I know any of this either… my mum felt it was better that she told me rather than something being said in the heat of the moment by anyone. I don’t particularly want to go to a therapist, but I have talked about some of this with my friend. Its a big step for me to talk with my friend, as I usually never talk to anyone about the deep inner thoughts and emotions of (me). Ohh, sorry its long and a bit all over the place, but once I started typing I couldn’t stop! Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Being on your own for awhile might do you some good. I almost feel like I can relate to you in some way especially when you mentioned about your mom part. So, what you should do is save up your money and head anywhere. You need a change. I need a change. It would do us some good. Take care and good luck in your choice. SARAH Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 before you look in to a dna test. why dont you ask your dad what his blood type is and compare it to yours. See if there is any links between the two types, his+moms, and yours. might give you some piece of mind. personally, I would ask my mom to pay for the dna. but it sounds like your parents worked it out and decided it didn't matter who fertilized you they were going to love you as their own, regardless. Do you really want to find the truth? How would this knowledge change things for you? Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Hi giggleloop, I would strongly recommend that you talk to a therapist before you do anything like move out, get a dna test, etc. I jnow it sounds lame, but it really can only help. I wish I had been able to talk to someone myself at your age - it might have made a world of difference to me. You should be able to see a counsleour at uni, or a family services one (especially if you mention that it is regards to finding out who your natural father is) at a reduced fee or even free. If not, it is truly money well spent - even just for s few sessions. I wish you all the best of luck Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giggleloop Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 I've thought seriously about this, and have decided to go and talk with a therapist next week. I must admit that I wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but in the last few days I have realised that it would definitely help me alot (thanks for the advice AG). In the meantime, I've organised to spend a few days at my friends house. It will only be for a couple of days, but at least it's a bit of a break from my family. Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this and giving me advice. I really do appreciate it. I'll let you know how it all goes for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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