I Need to Be Honest With You Guys & Myself: Ex-Fiances, Depressed GFs and Drugs

[tyler123]

lets just pray for us to heal and move on with our lives- let's keep it simple. lets realise there is nothing simple to have the types of relationships. We have a gift to be out of the drama, the choice is ours- upward bound to healthy living.. i got a friend coming over now to chill so i am keeping this brief- DAY one for me for NC - and feel better then stirring hopping to get something out of a person that does not want to give me any respect

[betterdeal]

Anger is to be expected. If you review events, you made contact with your ex (saw her), and you got upset when you saw your ex with another guy, and you initiated an aggressive exchange. She is your former lover, your ex girlfriend, not your present one. She can do what she likes with whom she likes.

 

Ask yourself this, what do I gain from going back as I do?

[betterdeal]

Hanging around her bar? Sending abusive messages? Getting into fights? Over a woman you barely know?

 

F*ck that sh*t. Delete her phone number, change your phone number, do not go anywhere near her bar.

 

In fact, clean your act up for at least a month, preferably three. No dope, no weed, no booze. See your doctor if you need anti-psychotics, sedatives, pain killers or sleeping pills. Leave the medication to the doctors for now. You are unwell. You cannot make rational decisions, especially when it comes to psychoactive substances. You might be able to go back to recreational use when you are better, but for now, you are using substances for medicinal purposes AND IT'S NOT WORKING.

 

I've been there and done that. You have better resources to get out of this sh*tfest; make use of them.

 

NO MORE CONTACT.

[tyler123]

Betterdeal- you nailed it. drugs / drinks limit us from growing and healing; they stunt our personal growth- it is absolutelty the last thing we need when we are dealing with anger, a break up. I have done EXACTLY the same thing whatdoido has done and it does nothing except cost me present friendships, jobs, etc. getting honest with oneself is a difficult task, but it also is neccessary if i don't want to repeat the same miserable patterns. looking at my past i can say i have done this before- gone crazy - with other women that have not met my expectations. The common denominator is ME. You need to let go of your "best thinking" - i know i do - so i am improving but far from perfectly- especially on the NC thing. i will say that when i catch myself obsessing i turn my attention to what is actually in front of me. No doubt having nc is the hardest thing, but would allow us to move on. i can't beat myself up when i have my relapses on her, i am just glad that i am progressing to the point where i don't snowball into the lunatic i can so easily be..

[whatdoido1717]

Morning guys,

 

You are both right, I accomplish absolutely nothing by going up there. I have already told myself, and been told by other people that, even though it is my "home town" and my mom lives up there, I need to not go up for a long while and I plan on sticking to that.

 

I am going to start focusing on my life down here and getting healthy. I am going to a counselor tomorrow at noon so hopefully that will help.

 

Letting go of dope and booze I think I can do fairly easily. It is the marijuana that I know I need to let go of as well but is going to be more difficult. I have been using it to self-medicate and escape my emotions I guess as opposed to really feeling them and moving on. I have to stop. Is cold turkey the best route? Can you guys help me come up with some kind of plan of attack?

 

Even though I lost it on Saturday and shouldn't have done what I did, let alone been up there, it was almost kind of a blessing in disguise. I don't have those feelings of worry or caring about her well being that were prohibiting me from moving forward that I've had in the past couple weeks. I feel like it almost gave me some weird sort of closure. There is still a little sadness, but more anger and pity than anything else. Hopefully that means I am moving through the grieving process towards indifference. Now I can focus on myself and I am already having an easier time focusing on me and not thoughts of her. But you are right, I can't full move forward if I am self-medicating my feelings and pain with other drugs.

 

Other than my counseling tomorrow, and the meetings we talked about, what else can I do here? I have a piano lesson tonight and the Blazers playoff game to watch. Also going to grab a workout. I leave Thursday evening to visit my brother in SoCal.

 

Anyway, I gotta go to work, I will check this in a little bit.

 

Thanks guys

[tyler123]

whatdoido- you sound much better and your plan to see a councelor, work out, piano and blazers sound real healthy-

 

for the drugs and alcohol - i still recommend going to a couple of AA meetings before making any judgement. don't just go to one and pass judgement because i can guarantee you after your 3rd or 4th meeting you will have a totally different outlook.

 

as for closure- you got to see EXACTLY who you are dealing with - back to focusing on me - back to focusing on you., LETS HAVE A GREAT WEEK OF SELF CARE- i am holding myself accountable to reporting everyday something loving i do for myself- go to gym, aa meetings, hanging out with friends not dwelling on past and anger.. stuff like that

[whatdoido1717]

Hope you guys are having a good day.

 

I just got off of work and am going to finish setting up my new keyboard and get some practice in before my lesson in a couple hours.

 

I will probably hit the gym after my lesson.

 

I am thinking about rereading a book I read a while ago called The Power of Now, have you read it? I think it might be beneficial and help me "stay in the present moment" and not get as lost in thoughts and emotions.

 

I did better today with my thoughts and emotions. Don't get me wrong, it was with me most of the work day but I did a fairly decent job trying not to dwell on these things.

 

It still hurts and I don't want to think about her at all because I know she isn't thinking about me one bit. It was never about me and it just makes it that much bitter knowing I opened up my heart to somebody who pretty much just played me.

 

Sometimes I feel like it sucks to know that she probably hates me now and I probably ruined all of our good memories with my recent actions but I try and focus on the fact that that is all in the past and how she feels is no concern to me. And that I have seen her true colors and she is not worth my time or thoughts one bit, but it is still hard, every now and then I kind of feel bad for some of the things I said in that text but I shouldn't feel bad about anything. I should focus on the positive... that I am out of that toxic environment. I don't really miss her at all per se. I wish I could just man up and move on, she doesn't deserve to have this kind of impact on my life anymore.

 

Do you think I have to worry about her ever contacting me again after what I said in that text? Or did I create enough resentment and anger that she wants to rid me of her life as much as I do?

 

Very excited to talk to my counselor tomorrow.

 

How are you guys doin today?

[whatdoido1717]

I am thinking about rereading a book I read a while ago called The Power of Now, have you read it? I think it might be beneficial and help me "stay in the present moment" and not get as lost in thoughts and emotions.

 

Some Excerpts:

 

"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."

 

"Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within."

 

"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."

 

"Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now" - Page 41

 

"The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future — which, of course, can only be experienced as the Now"- Page 50

 

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."

 

"Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place."

 

"Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally."

 

"You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You can find yourself by coming into the present."

[betterdeal]

I'm doing good, thanks for asking. Managed to stab my thumb with a sharp knife whilst gardening yesterday. The things I do for my garden! Went to A&E and the nurse used butterfly stitches and superglue - how cool is that?!? She was pretty cute too ;-)

 

I have a copy of that book but haven't read it yet. I hear lots of good things about it.

 

Regards your question as to whether you'll hear from her again, you're less likely to if you change your phone number. It's free with most operators here in the UK. Worked for me.

 

I've also found that the word "should" is useless. I started checking my self when I was saying "should have" and accepting that it means "didn't" and then thinking of ways to transform the sentence into a positive, forward-looking one, with a "will", "can", "shall" sort of word instead. For example,

 

I should have washed the dishes last night

 

means

 

I didn't wash the dishes last night

 

and can become

 

I'll wash the dishes now

 

If you look through your posts and pay attention to your thoughts, consider how many "should haves" there are and see if you can change them into positives.

[whatdoido1717]

Anyway of understanding how long it will take for things that I love/enjoy, that I shared with her and we had a connection through, to stop reminding me of her and making me sad but becoming again things that make me happy?

 

e.g. - Baseball, I have always had a passion for baseball. So did she, we shared that, and now when I think of baseball it doesn't make me happy, it makes me think of her. Other examples would be music, bands we saw in concert or artists I like that remind me of her. Blazers basketball reminds me more of how much fun we had, our matching jerseys, and her affinity for a particular player, etc. ....I don't want her to ruin these things anymore for me.

[whatdoido1717]

....I don't want her to ruin these things anymore for me.

 

I guess, betterdeal, it would have been better to write, "I WON'T let her ruin these things anymore for me.

 

...see I am listening. haha

[betterdeal]

You're getting there! When you start phrasing it from your point of view, you'll be another step along the road ;-)

 

She's not at the game, so how is she ruining it for you? Your memory of her is what upsets you. Take ownership of your memory. She won't ruin it because it's your memory and your choice as to how you react to it.

 

It's hard, I know, when you're used to empathising with someone as unwell as our respective exes. They tell us their story and we try to help them. This becomes part of us. Their story becomes part of us. As we develop better boundaries (and saying "I won't let her..." is part of that) we get a better sense of self, and the upset becomes ours.

 

I cycle to work past the university here. En route, I pass a college with her first name and a road with her surname. It was a painful reminder. She was everywhere! As the rest of your recovery continues, this sort of reminder has less effect as you're fitter, healthier, stronger, and further away in time from her.

 

So don't worry too much about these reminders. In a short while, you'll not think anything about those things. You went to the game with her - and thousands of other people. Get talking to your neighbours on the benches. Talking to the food vendors, the drinks vendors, the cleaners, anyone, at the game. Nothing heavy, just friendly chat, if you feel like it. Take ownership of the game. It's yours.

[Fufu]

I believe you will feel better soon Have faith in yourself ^_^

[tyler123]

I have read bits a pieces of " Power of Now" with a self help group. Very helpful things in it. I think i will get a copy myself and actually read it. I will say Betterdeal is right on- SHould have's are a waste of time. Why wish for a better past - it never will change. I am going out for a smoke but will be back throughout the day- I am in a much better place when i Focus on ME and my actions then worrying about her and her behaviors. I like to take my inventory and try to see when i feel peace vs no peace- then try to improve on not entering the ring of things that brings my head spinning.. Think about it.

Think how you feel when you are concentrating on your keyboard, playing guitar watching a blazers game

Now

think how you feel when you are thinking about if she is thinking about you, and thinking she isn't thinking of you- -

 

i try to take my temperture on the different scenarios- and practice the positive - it's never perfect but it get's easier if i WORK IT

[whatdoido1717]

Hey guys. A little update.

 

Piano lesson went well last night. Its been consistantly the best hour long escape I've had.

 

Got all my major STD blood work results back, all were negative.

 

Just got out of my forst counseling session. A little frustrating as I wanted to explain to her more about what I went through but she noticed a pattern of healthy relationships in my past and wanted to keep my attention on how I was going to heal and move forward and not worry as much about why all that happened or her at all. So I guess that's a good thing.

 

She said I should stay off this site because it was only keeping me stuck thinking about the past situation so I might be taking a step back from being on here (being on the internet in general, ie facebook, etc) but you guys have been so helpful I want to keep you posted.

 

Goin to a friend's place after work to watch the Blazers game. Going to keep track of how I am doing with slowing marijuana use and how I deal and move forward when I'm consumed or find myself thinking about her or that situation.

 

I guess that's all for now... (oh also trying to stop smoking cigs. Switching to chew which I used to do. I know its equally unhealthy but at least not smoking Marb reds, her brand, will be another way to move on from those connections to her. Jus gotta force myself to stop watching and put away our naughty videos as that has been hard to do)

 

Zach

[betterdeal]

Glad to hear you're following through with the actions you've said you'd take (seeing a therapist).

[whatdoido1717]

Quick question before I put this away til the evening but I was curious about your guys' thoughts on attraction to other woman. This came up because I just saw an issue of Maxim. The girl on the cover is by all means "perfect" as far as looks, body, etc but I don't seem to find her tempting. I think of my ex's body (by no means perfect) and I still feel like I am not attracted to anybody else. Its frustrating. Thoughts?

[betterdeal]

I think you're still infatuated with her. Dealing with the underlying issues that led you to fall head long into that relationship in such a short time, and to hold onto it now, will free you to find women attractive again and remain your self.

 

I was thinking about what your counsellor said about avoiding the internet. I see her point, and have been reducing my usage, but this place can be a great place to register your thoughts, and find your triggers and find ways to deal with them. It has been for me. Now that I feel I have benefited what I can from this site, I'll continue to reduce my usage, and probably drop off soon.

 

Be true to yourself, and keep on exploring.

[whatdoido1717]

I think you're still infatuated with her. Dealing with the underlying issues that led you to fall head long into that relationship in such a short time, and to hold onto it now, will free you to find women attractive again and remain your self.

 

I was thinking about what your counsellor said about avoiding the internet. I see her point, and have been reducing my usage, but this place can be a great place to register your thoughts, and find your triggers and find ways to deal with them. It has been for me. Now that I feel I have benefited what I can from this site, I'll continue to reduce my usage, and probably drop off soon.

 

Be true to yourself, and keep on exploring.

 

I agree with you about exploring the underlying issues that led me down that path and that is part of the reason I left a little frustrated when she seemingly made that not important because I have had other healthy relationships in my past. What about my absent dad? I dunno, maybe we will get there but she only seemed to want to talk about what I am going to do about now. She's the professional but if I just needed a plan to get healthy I wouldn't have needed a counselor as much. I'm trying to understand myself by going to these therapy sessions but I feel like that question kind of got shot down...

[whatdoido1717]

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment”

[Pens55]

Give it a couple sessions - good councilors definitely have a good idea of where they are going, even if you dont see it yet.

 

Be patient, but after a couple visits, if you dont feel comfortable, shop around a bit for a new one.

[whatdoido1717]

Feeling pretty decent today. Finding myself still thinking about her and for some reason pondering if she will ever try and contact me again and right now I think I might subconciously want her to (which is why I've deleted her number so I won't contact her but can't quite block her yet), even something meaningless (even though our last encounter was awful. Also start thinking about the effects of BPD and how this might effect her calling in the future. Don't expect her to since she has her ex to fill the void I was filling and I don't really even want to waste energy thinking about this. Ugh, right, betterdeal, I WON'T let her... I'm trying buddy). I am trying to stay in the present moment though and not let myself think about this. I want to fully accept everything that happened so I don't get caught up for small chunks of time with these thoughts because its only a setback. I don't want her back. I guess I am just missing the closeness (whether it was real or not) and the chaos to a smnall degree. Ill get over it. Goin to San Diego tomorrow! Any thoughts are appreciated as always even though I've probably posted similar posts to this one before. Gotta keep on focusing on me.

[The_411]

Good afternoon, Good evening, Good morning, Good whatever time it may be when you are reading this. Begin reading if you dare (but please do, ), seriously, this will take a while to read. I really hope you do.

 

I have posted some questions, that give a little insight to my situation, here and have gotten some great responses. However, I feel like without getting the entire situation out there I cannot fully receive the feedback I need. I guess this is a way for me to flush it all out there at this moment as well. This will be my log of what unfolds with this situation, not expecting much new, and if nothing else it will be an interesting read for you if you have the time. I will start from the beginning.

 

At the end of October I ended things with my girlfriend of two years, Steph. She was the girl that everyone thought I should be with and on the surface we looked like the perfect couple. After two years I couldn't do it anymore and we ended. I did it in a regrettable way, pretty much going No Contact with her from the get go.

 

While we were on the verge of being broken up I met a girl that is a bartender at "my bar" where I have been going since I turned 21. It is a nice little tavern with all your typical "locals." Anyway, when I met her she had just called off an engagement with her ex fiance Phillip. They lived together still, but she had been sleeping on the couch each night and they had had no sexual connection in months prior. She was incredibly depressed and he basically let her sit and rot on the couch as he went to and from work.

 

We connected immediately. I'd never experienced the phrase "opposites attract" but this was the definition of it. Me, a college educated, good family and friends type of guy falling for a tattoo'd, no college, bad family history girl. I live in Oregon and she in Washington. I began coming up on the weekends and we would hang out the entire weekend. We spent the majority of our time at my best friend's house since she didn't want to be rude and bring me over while Phillip was still living in the house.

 

We took it slow and I had a lot of respect for her situation with Phillip as he was heartbroken, felt she cheated on him, and was still in love with her. I mean they were engaged so I didn't want to pressure her into cutting him out of her life because I know they must still be close.

 

We became very close and would always tell each other that "we were a great team" and that it was crazy how somebody so different from ourselves could connect so perfectly.

 

I also knew, I guess found out as time went by how hard her life had been. Spending time with an abusive father and unloving step-mother, a recently deceased abusive step-father, a mother who didn't care about her but only herself, multiple abusive relationships with men and a former serious drug addiction.

 

I respected all of those things and understood that was part of who I was falling in love with. We spent our weekends hanging out late (as she got off work at 2am) and we got into things like cocaine and pain killers. It was a part of our hanging out I guess. I have always been a chronic marijuana user too.

 

By February we were in love with each other and had told each other that on numerous occasions. I would come up on the weekend and she would come down during the week when she could. I was still respecting her connection with her ex-fiance at this point because we had had so many open and honest conversations about them and why it ended and how to best help him without hurting him even more (ie not talking to him or hanging out with him so he could move on, etc.).

 

At the end of February she had to serve 21 days in jail for multiple DUIs. At that point she had asked him to move out and he did so a couple days before she had to go in. I was excited that we could start hanging out at her house and didn't feel like we had to burden our friend anymore.

 

I spent the entire week with her before she had to go in and we had a good time. I asked her what I could do for her when she got out to make things easier for her in her attempt to better her life. She was very emotional because nobody had taken the time to care about her like that or ask what they could do for her. It really had an impact on her.

 

The night before I left I woke up in the middle of the night and reached for my phone to check the time. Grabbing hers it went to a text message conversation from her to Phillip. She said, "I want you to spend the night tomorrow" and included an "Love you" in there.

 

I asked her about it in the morning and she was pretty annoyed I had been in her phone and told me that he got off work at like 2am and she had to leave at 4am and that it was only to talk and for him to grab some of his things. I was a little confused as to why she would word the text message to him that way if that was all she wanted but I didn't want to create drama before she had to go in. She was pretty upset that I had broken her trust.

 

Everyday she was in jail I wrote her a letter, I visited her each weekend and we talked, on my dime obviously, almost everyday. When she got out she literally ran and jumped into my arms. We had an amazing day. I noticed she had updated her facebook status to something like, "I have the best family in the world. Family doesn't just mean blood. You know who you are and you are stuck with me now (heart sign)." She told me later, but I obviously knew it was for me and it made me very happy.

 

That night we were getting ready for bed and I noticed a condom wrapper on the nightstand. I asked her about it and she said that it was incredibly old and from when she was cleaning before she left. That night I had a nightmare that her and Phillip had had sex the night before she went in and I told her about it in the morning. She swore up and down that nothing like that happened and that yeah, that condom wrapper probably was from him, but it was months and months old. That he came over for literally an hour and they sat in the living room and talked and nothing else. Again, by the tone in her voice, I believed her.

 

We continued to have another couple good weekends together and then I had the nightmare again. I told her and this time she was more annoyed with my insecurities. Again, she promised nothing happened, but told me I needed to understand how much she loved me and that she wouldn't do that to me and I had to stop letting our insecurities get in the way.

 

I came up a couple days later for the weekend and we had the most amazing Friday and early Saturday. We went out and bought matching black chuck taylors and we were having a great time. I told her at one point that if she wanted to stop drinking that I would stop to if that helped her. Again, like our conversation before she went in to jail, this was amazing to her. Nobody had ever offered to do something like that for her to help her. She was almost in tears by my gesture. Anyway, my phone died in the middle of the day and I had to call my mom so I asked to borrow hers. After I called my mom I looked for a phone number of a guy that had been bothering her (she told me I could contact him and tell him to back off) but what I found sucked. A couple innocent texts from Phillip and then bam, a picture message of a penis from on of our mutual friends saying "your turn" followed by no response from her and another one from him saying, "Erin, show me what I am going to ****." In my head I exploded, I decided I needed to leave to collect my thoughts. I told her I was going to my mom's house for a while and I would be back to get our friend his birthday present and then we would leave for his party/her work shift. I called my mom and told her I couldn't make it over and I went to my friend's house in tears. My mom said that Erin had called but she made it seem like she hadn't talked to her. Well, Erin proceeded to call me 40 times which I ignored. I finally called her back and told her I had fallen asleep at my mother's house.

 

She said that she had accidentally called my mom's house thinking it was the Eyewear and Contact place and when my mom told her I said I wasn't coming over and I wasn't answering she panicked and thought I had gotten in a wreck or arrested or something. I told her I don't know why mom said that but that is where I was and I would be right over. I guess I lied at that point because I didn't want to say why I was really gone/angry because I really didn't think those two (her and our mutual friend who sent the texts) would do that to me and didn't want to blow up about it if it wasn't true and just have her get mad because I was in her phone again.

 

I went back to her house and we proceeded to get in a huge argument because at first I wasn't up front about where I had been. I didn't really care at that moment she was angry because of what I had seen. Well the fight escalated quickly. I ended up telling her I was at Casey's but the fight continued and I said some very regrettable things. I told her that "she didn't know how ****ed up she really was" and that was it for her. I was another guy that had **** all over her. We were on the porch yelling and she was telling me to leave and this point I was very emotional.

 

I grabbed my phone and called our mutual friend who had sent those and went off on him. Why would you send that? How could you disrespect me like that? This guy has a daughter and recently got engaged a couple weeks prior. He had been a casual friend of mine for a while (they work together) from seeing him at the bar each weekend. He sounded very confused and after I hung up on him he called Erin. She swung the front door open and said, "Oh you have been going through my phone again!? Are you that ****ing stupid to think that me and PJ would do anything? Are you really that ****ing stupid!? It is PJ! You had me. I love you so much, I wouldn't do anything like that to you. It's ****ing PJ."

 

At this point I felt horrible, because as disrespectful as what he said/did was I knew she wouldn't do that with him. They were good friends, one of her only close friends, and they just have a crass friendship like that. So, instead of sticking to my guns I became emotional and began apologizing. Mostly for what I had said because I knew that cut her deep. She eventually let me back in the house and she got in the shower and I told her I knew she couldn't forgive me for what i had said but that I didn't really mean it.

 

I took her to work and I had to stay at that bar for my friend's birthday party. She talked to me there and after she got off I took her home, we hung out all night, I slept next to her in bed, and we hung out on Sunday before I had to go home to Portland. I knew how hurt she was but was happy that she still let me stay near her. The mood lightened and she said things like, "I hope you enjoyed our farwell f*** Friday and when she saw that kind of hurt, she said I am just kiding, come on. When I said goodbye to her pets before I left she told me to quit saying my final goodbyes because I didn't know what was going to happen. We hugged and kissed and she told me she loved me before I left.

 

I spent the next week, last week, in hell. Going back and forth from wanting to do anything to win her back to being pissed about the disrespect shown to me by my friend. In a moment of weakness I called him and asked him for advice. Sounds stupid now, but I was an emotional wreck. I didn't think anything of it, but he knew how much I cared about her. I asked him not to say anything to her because I knew it would piss her off if she knew I contact her close friend to talk about her "behind her back."

 

Well, I got up last Friday ready to tell him how disrespected I felt by what he had done and to try and get more context from this "joke" and to see how he would've felt if I had said that to his fiance.

 

I hadn't talked to Erin most of the week, other than a text from her saying, hope you are having a good day, because she wanted her space. I noticed on Thursday on facebook that she was getting off early on Friday so I decided to call her and see if we could hang out and talk. Well, when I called I woke her up and she wasn't in a good mood at all and took it out on me. I was confused but was relieved when she called later with a very sincere apology. She had just woken up and was having a lot of issues with her mom and counseling/therapy for depression and was very sorry she took it out on me and told me she would be waiting for me Friday.

 

When I got to the bar Friday she was off work and waiting for me with my best friend and his dad and was watching the Mariners game. She was a little tipsy but not drunk by any means. Typical for sitting at a bar and watching a game. We went outside because she wanted to talk and sure enough PJ had gotten drunk and told her I called. She was hurt and felt betrayed because I didn't call her to talk about us. She said that PJ was crushed by how he had hurt me. She was very sad and emotional and told me she understood how I would have concerns from everything from the original Phillip text to what PJ had sent to her but that I had her. That she didn't want anything else or anybody else and that I was the best thing that had come in to her life. She asked me, "don't you think I have insecurities too? When I visit and you have old love letters and old pictures in your desk of your short, athletic, blonde ex girlfriend that everybody thought was perfect you? How do you think that makes me feel, that I am the exact opposite of her, etc." She told me she was ready to break up with me during the week but couldn't because I was so amazing for her.

 

I then gave her a gift that I had made for her. It was a custom shirt of her favorite player for the Portland Trail Blazers. The same player I had boughten her a jersey for when we went to the game. She nearly cried and told me that the fact that I made that for her meant so incredibly much to her. We had a pretty good weekend hanging out and we talked a little more about things but not much, just kind of hung out.

 

When we got home, late, we went upstairs to bed and started making love, we woke her sister up at that point and her sister went nuts. She screamed, Zach you better get the f*** out of her before I slash your tires!" When she said that Erin rushed out of the room and the two of them got into a HUGE fight, I mean it came to blows. Her sister told Erin to get the **** out of the house and said some of the same deep cutting things I said during our fight.

 

Her sister thinks that I am a bad influence on her sister because we have done drugs together. Erin had an oxy addiction in the past but I wasn't going to make her quit when she wasn't ready. I guess I was enabling her there and maybe we were enmeshed. However, Erin's main focus at that point was to get therapy, which she was, and to cut out drinking, which she has (other than Friday night, the first time in months she had drank). I feel in reality though, I have done nothing but try to help her with the issues she chooses to tackle. We even decided when we talked on Thursday that we would cut out our other drug use. I am not the negative influence her sister thinks I am. I have tried in countless ways to be there for her and help her when she asks. I guess you might all disagree since I WAS doing drugs with her in the first place but in every other aspect of her life that she felt was important for healing I was there when nobody else was. Her sister is also a little hypocritical in my book because she would smoke with her sister all the time, even though her sister wanted to focus on quitting smoking (pot) and drinking. Just because her sister didn't think pot was bad, she thought it was okay to do it with Erin even though Erin wanted to quit that.

 

Anyway and needless to say Erin was devastated after that and pretty much hit rock bottom. She had to take that night off from work and I stayed with her and we had Mexican food and watched Scrubs all night. On Sunday I left and realized I had forgotten my wallet so I went back. When I went back I asked her straight up, Erin DID i have you or DO I have you? She said that she had just gone to blows with her sister, the last person other than me who cared about her, for me and that I obviously had her and that she didn't really want to talk about it that much right then.

 

She was clearly struggling when I left. She has always had depression issues from the reasons I stated before but her fight with her sister and being kicked out with nowhere to go caused her to hit a new low.

 

I called my best friend who was at the Haven with her on the way home and we were chatting and he mentioned she was excited about going to the Mariners game on Friday and Monday and I was confused because I hadn't heard anything bout that from her.

 

I called her up and asked if she was going and she said she was going to but was not going anymore. I asked her who she was going with and she said that Phillip had invited her. I said that I was glad to hear she wasn't going because I thought it was a little weird that she would go to a Mariners game (home opener) with him when that is where he proposed exactly a year ago. She said, well, yeah that is probably why he invited me but I am not going. She then said she couldn't do it anymore. That her state was so bad now that she had gotten in that fight with her sister, been kicked out (at end of this month) with nobody to turn to, and that she was unbelievably depressed and that she couldn't handle this anymore. She said that she needed time and space to figure out her own life. That it wasn't about her needing to see other guys or anything remotely close to that. That she had to work on making herself happy and not sick before she could be the girlfriend she wanted and that she couldn't do that with me bringing drama and insecurities around.

 

At that point I was a blubbering idiot, unfortunately. She told me she didn't need that and she needed me to be strong for her and not be selfish in my sadness of losing her because compared to what she has to go through and is going through it was selfish. She said that if I really loved her I would give her the space she needs to heal.

 

That was Sunday night. It is Tuesday afternoon and my head spins with so many different thoughts:

 

1) I am worried that she will turn back to Phillip now that she has nobody else and I am not in the same city as her.

 

2) That I was just a rebound. Despite all of our undeniable love, he was always lurking in the background. And if I was a rebound what does that mean about the feelings she had or said she had for me? Those all can't be fake. I know they can't. We were the best team and amazing with each other and I know she felt that.

 

3) I am confused how I went from being the best thing to walk into her life and the only person who cared to somebody she can walk away from

 

4) I am worried that I am just another long list of males that have abandoned her. I know, I know, she abandoned me by breaking up but part of me feels that she has pushed me away because of her depression and fears that I will just hurt her again like every other male. Or that she wants to spare me from her sorrow. If that is the case, I don't want to just leave her abandoned in her isolation and despair. I want to be the one that finally stands up and says I won't let you suffer alone. I care about you that much that I won't be every other person that has come in to your life and abandoned you.

 

5) I know this a journey she has to make alone and there is nothing I can do to "fix" her but I don't want her to fulfill her self-fulfilling prophecy by walking away when she needs support the most.

 

6) I know I should just move on from this situation but I can't. I know you will all say that she sounds like a horrible person but I know her deep down and she is just hurting so bad from a life of torment. I want to be the person she thought I was before I said those hurtful things and prove to her I am not just every other person that has sh** on her in her life.

 

7) I am trying to move on and have gone NC but I am struggling with this is the best idea when she is so alone and isolated. But at the same time I don't want to be played a fool if Phillip is going to come back in to her life.

 

I will finish this insanely long post with a letter I wrote to her last night. I didn't send it, but am thinking about it this weekend. It is more of a closure/good luck/I will be there type letter. I know that the last thing I should do is tell her I will be there for her after she broke up with me. But to be honest, whether I am with her again ever or not, which I really doubt I will be, I still care a ton about her and her well being. If I have to sacrifice any chance of "us" to make sure she has somebody then I am willing to do that. Anyway, thanks for listening (if you made it this far), here it is :

 

---

 

 

Erin,

It is my hope that you do not find this short letter to be disrespectful of the time and space you requested from me. I decided this would be the best way to tell you this without creating anymore drama or putting you in a situation where you felt like I wanted answers.

 

This letter is not really about me. It is about you and the journey you have ahead of you. I want you to know I support you 100% and will respect what you have to go through by giving you your space and the all the time necessary to take care of yourself. I will still be here for you if you need anything, regardless of what happens. I mean that the same now, when we've reached this point, as I did when I told you it before at the point in our relationship when things were amazing.

 

I know you hate it when I apologize, so this part will be brief. The biggest regret I have and the biggest mistake I have made in my life thus far is the way I handled the other weekend and in particular, telling you that you don't know how ****ed up you really are. I don't ever expect you to forget that and I can never take it back. I am deeply sorry for cutting you like that. I hope you know that although I know you are in a bad spot, I don't actually think you are ****ed up. I think you are an amazing woman that is in a horrifically difficult situation, which she did not bring upon herself and one that she does not deserve. In the entire time I was with you, even as the words came out of my mouth, I have never thought you were ****ed up at all. I think the hand of cards that you have been dealt recently is what's really ****ed up and I took it out on you because I was caught up in the heat of the moment.

 

I have been trying to educate myself on depression by reading articles and doing some research online and I don't begin to think I have the slightest idea what you are going through, but I can respect that you need to figure this out on your own. I don't have any answers and if all I have brought to the table is drama then I do not blame you for not wanting me with you on this journey. I know my love for you really has nothing to do with the situation. But know that I am the man who you looked at, as you told me, "as the best person to walk in to your life." My compassion for you and your well being is very strong and if I can only show you that by walking away, I will. I am standing tall and will continue to be the most kick ass employee at Cintas, the "jock" that will love his Blazers and Huskies, and the caring and loving person I am. And I will always be the man that promised he'd stop drinking with you, if it helped you heal. I will always be the man that cares so much about you he'd write you a letter everyday you were in jail. I will always be the man that will pull you out of the bar if you have been drinking too much (and on any other night, I would have told Mac to **** off and taken you home, but I was only trying to respect your boundaries, considering where we were at, at that point). I will always be the man that will go completely sober with you if it helps you. I don't ever want to be a contributor to your unhappiness.

 

I am sorry I let my insecurities get a hold of me to the extent they did and let them cause as much drama and frustration as they did. I know you loved me and I am sorry I betrayed your trust. Those insecurities seem so minute and pathetic know because I never once doubted us. Never once doubted that we were as good of a team as we said we were or that we weren't oddly perfect for one another. I hope you look back at me as the man who only wanted to bring you happiness and not as another ******* male that hurt you along the way. I would give you a world of happiness if I could, for now I will give you your space.

 

Love you always,

Zach

 

---

 

If you managed to make it through that I would love your thoughts. I have a feeling I know what most of you will say, but would love to hear it anyway.

 

Zach,

 

I read what you wrote in dlish's thread. A a caveat I'm only giving my opinion and not a clinical diagnosis or anything that should be construed as such.

 

That being said here's my interpretation. She meets many of the BPD criteria if not all. However, that's not as important as recognizing bad behavior and red flags and understanding that when they are present you are doomed for failure. BPD is for a desciption of a set of behaviors. It doesn't matter if someone else is or isn't in that you can't control it.

 

Sometimes you need to change therapists. However, they are trained not to delve into another person's behavior save only to interpret how an experience affects you. A therapist, psychiatrist, etc. is trained to address your issues and they're not diagnose others.

 

The main thing is that you feel into some bad habits behaviors as a result of being with this girl. Ultimately down the road you will realize that had you continued down this path you would have done serious damage to yourself and you would have discovered that frankly this girl doesn't care for you and is incapable of caring for you due to her own problems.

 

In fact the only person that will able to have her is one who doesn't care about her at all and treats terribly because she's internalized that she's a terrible person and she thinks that anyone who truly loves here must be a dishonest idiot because nobody would stick around for that type of behavior.

 

I will be honest this relationship will hurt you for a long time and take away the innocence/naivete you may have had in love and faith in believing in people. It sucks but it will be help because you will become less tolerant of bad behavior and you will guard your heart more and be more careful with whom you entrust it with.

[tyler123]

whatdoido- have not posted for a couple of days as i have been keeping myself busy with working out and work etc. you are doing good, don't worry about when you feel MUCH better, focus on the progress you are making- don't over think things and when you do realize you have the power to STOP- remember the yellow lines when you start asking ridiculous questions that we all ask ourselves but will never get an answer too. Great job seeing a therapist- remember you are healing because you are taking the steps - keep walking soon you will be running. BONDAGE OF SELF is the true killer

[betterdeal]

If you want to be get to the top of the mountain you start by walking through the foothills.

 

Try some breathing exercises some time...