I Need to Be Honest With You Guys & Myself: Ex-Fiances, Depressed GFs and Drugs

[betterdeal]

I am seeking counseling. This has become a very harsh reality. I need help understanding why I fell in love with somebody with a sickness like this. I need to learn how to cope with my contributions to her sickness which are becoming very aparent and I now understand her sister's hatred for me. I need to understand how her illness affects her life and mine, as well as whatever it was we had.

 

You need to care of you. You need to know how what's happened in your life has affected you. It takes time, but soon you'll accept that you cannot fix her, or undo anything you have done with her. You can only change your future and to do that takes knowledge about your past and present, not hers.

[Pens55]

Hey we are here for you man - I'm making no judgement on whether or not she cheated, because Im a naive idiot too:rolleyes:. If if getting some opions that she did helps you move on, maybe you should think its true.

 

But in the here and now, I know it hurts. But let me say this - you do seem like you deserve better. No disrespect to her, but what if you met someone with the same positive qualities, minus the baggage and inappropriate behavior? You'd take girl #2, right?

 

In that case, see, she's not perfect. You'll find someone that you would change ANYTHING about, and I'm sure she'll appreciate everything you'd be willing to do for her

[whatdoido1717]

hoping2heal, Pens55, betterdeal, Trovador, and butterfly,

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate your words. I am sure without my close friends and you, complete strangers, I would be lost. Thank you so much for taking time away from your pain and struggles or even from your happy life, where ever you may be at, to share your thoughts. They have all resonated with me and really helped. REALLY helped.

 

I just went to the local bookstores and purchased two books. I bought the book betterdeal recommended, "Lost in the Mirror," as well as another book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and I will be spending the majority of my evening reading.

 

I suppose I should report that she text me today a few hours ago....

 

She simply said, "I made Josh cry last night" (For context, not because it is necessarily important, Josh is a guy we both dislike and is the person whose phone number I was looking for in her phone when I found the penis picture). That is the text I get after she tells me she can't talk to me anymore because she needs to help herself heal, she must really be sick.

 

I am going to go read now. Oh, by the way, I didn't text back anything. I deleted it immediately.

[whatdoido1717]

. You can only change your future and to do that takes knowledge about your past and present, not hers.

 

I hear you. Thank you.

[hoping2heal]

hoping2heal, Pens55, betterdeal, Trovador, and butterfly,

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate your words. I am sure without my close friends and you, complete strangers, I would be lost. Thank you so much for taking time away from your pain and struggles or even from your happy life, where ever you may be at, to share your thoughts. They have all resonated with me and really helped. REALLY helped.

 

I just went to the local bookstores and purchased two books. I bought the book betterdeal recommended, "Lost in the Mirror," as well as another book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and I will be spending the majority of my evening reading.

 

I suppose I should report that she text me today a few hours ago....

 

She simply said, "I made Josh cry last night" (For context, not because it is necessarily important, Josh is a guy we both dislike and is the person whose phone number I was looking for in her phone when I found the penis picture). That is the text I get after she tells me she can't talk to me anymore because she needs to help herself heal, she must really be sick.

 

I am going to go read now. Oh, by the way, I didn't text back anything. I deleted it immediately.

 

Good on you for not texting back. She was throwing you bait, and you did not fall for it. You mentioned you are going to counselling for yourself, I think that can be a great idea. I hope you will be able to assess your actions and gain some perspective, but most of all come to realize that you are just normal. There is no manual (well that I am aware of} about how to deal with emotionally destructive and volatile people. You live and learn kind of thing. I hope you will embrace the good things you have going for you, like your education and your family and eventually feel ready to start creating the life you want for yourself.

 

You have not mentioned, but it sounds like you have at least not sacrificed your reputation or career or job at this point, and that is lucky in itself. Do you have any issues with drug addiction stemming from your cocaine use, or is that a non issue at this point.

[whatdoido1717]

Good on you for not texting back. She was throwing you bait, and you did not fall for it. You mentioned you are going to counselling for yourself, I think that can be a great idea. I hope you will be able to assess your actions and gain some perspective, but most of all come to realize that you are just normal. There is no manual (well that I am aware of} about how to deal with emotionally destructive and volatile people. You live and learn kind of thing. I hope you will embrace the good things you have going for you, like your education and your family and eventually feel ready to start creating the life you want for yourself.

 

You have not mentioned, but it sounds like you have at least not sacrificed your reputation or career or job at this point, and that is lucky in itself. Do you have any issues with drug addiction stemming from your cocaine use, or is that a non issue at this point.

 

My work has suffered a little bit since things started to go downhill, however, my boss is a close friend of mine now and his daughter's mother and his ex-wife suffers from BPD so he has been absolutely nothing but helpful and understanding. I am still actually ranked #1 in the nation at my position so I am doing great there.

 

At this point I do not think I will have any issues with cocaine or pain killers going forward. I got in to them both heavily with her and am disgusted with myself to be quite honest. I have done both in the past, but when I got with her it reached a bad level by the end. I have no desire to do either right now. I guess the only issue with drug addiction I've had for a while is marijuana use.

[hoping2heal]

My work has suffered a little bit since things started to go downhill, however, my boss is a close friend of mine now and his daughter's mother and his ex-wife suffers from BPD so he has been absolutely nothing but helpful and understanding. I am still actually ranked #1 in the nation at my position so I am doing great there.

 

At this point I do not think I will have any issues with cocaine or pain killers going forward. I got in to them both heavily with her and am disgusted with myself to be quite honest. I have done both in the past, but when I got with her it reached a bad level by the end. I have no desire to do either right now. I guess the only issue with drug addiction I've had for a while is marijuana use.

 

I am guessing the BPD reference has to do with your ex? Has she ever been diagnosed or it is just what has been suggested via the boards? You have to be careful with that because I see npd,bpd,bi-polar etc. diagnoses fairly often and only a qualified mental health practitioner can make those diagnoses since a diagnoses comes not from having the symptoms, but rather specific symptoms to specific degrees on a spectrum.

 

I mean, it's just hard to tell based on a post and interaction whether you are dealing with a "sick" person, or someone who is just incredibly full of crap, know what I mean? It is not just people who come from broken homes that end up being like your ex, but that said what is or isn't wrong with her should be a bit redundant. I just don't want to see you get swept up in focusing on HER issues, because that takes the focus off you dealing with your own healing.

 

I think it's great that you are still doing well with your career, you are EXTREMELY lucky to walk away from a situation like this and not have that had ruined your reputation/success/etc.

 

There are all kinds of complex and multi-faceted people in the world. You don't have to meet an a-personality just to be with someone who has their act together. Life and people are not nearly that black and white, at least not what I have experienced.

 

It's just an assumption on my part, but you just kind of strike me as looking for what else is out there, what is beyond the straight and structured life that you have been raised with.

[whatdoido1717]

I am guessing the BPD reference has to do with your ex? Has she ever been diagnosed or it is just what has been suggested via the boards? You have to be careful with that because I see npd,bpd,bi-polar etc. diagnoses fairly often and only a qualified mental health practitioner can make those diagnoses since a diagnoses comes not from having the symptoms, but rather specific symptoms to specific degrees on a spectrum.

 

I mean, it's just hard to tell based on a post and interaction whether you are dealing with a "sick" person, or someone who is just incredibly full of crap, know what I mean?

 

I totally know what you mean. I, until recently knew nothing about BPD and have always just left it at "depression." However, I am working through a book betterdeal recommended, "Lost in the Mirrors: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder" and it is really hitting home.

 

It was eerie as I began reading when I read this, "Elton John's characterization of Marilyn Monroe as a candle in the wind captures the essence of the borderline personality. She is an elusive character lacking in identity, overwhelmed by a barrage of painful emotions, consumed by hunger for love and acceptance, and careening from relationship to relationship and impulse to impulse in a desperate attempt to control these feelings." In the beginning of our relationship Erin told me she felt like Marilyn Monroe and I had no idea what she really meant, I think I am starting to.

 

Here is an excerpt that is confirming she has signs of BPD:

 

Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

 

...Association defines BPD in terms of a menu of symptoms.Because only five of nine listed symptoms are required to make the diagnosis, there is theoretically the possibility of including people with vastly different symptom complexes and little resemblance to one another...

 

Disturbed Identity

 

1. Identity disturbance: self-image or sense of self persistently and markedly disturbed, distorted, or unstable. (Check)

 

2. Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Check)

 

3. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Check)

 

Disturbed Mood

 

4. Affective (emotional) instability due to marked reactivity of mood. Intense, episodic dysphoria (depressed mood), irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (Check)

 

5. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (Check)

 

6. Inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger, e.g. (Partial Check)

 

- frequent displays of temper

- constant anger

- recurrent physical fights

 

Disturbed Perception

 

7. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation (feelings of persecution) or severe dissociative symptoms (discontinuity of experience). If you are borderline, feelings may sometimes become so intense that they distort your perception of reality. At such times you may imagine your self deliberately persecuted by those who merely let you down. (Check)

 

Disturbed Behavior

 

8. Impulsiveness in at least two area that are potentially self-damaging:

 

- spending

- sex (Check)

- substance abuse (Check)

- reckless driving (Check)

- binge eating

 

(9.) - recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats (Check)

 

- self-mutilating behavior

 

---

 

I don't have the answers and you are right I shouldn't be trying to diagnose her myself.

 

 

I just don't want to see you get swept up in focusing on HER issues, because that takes the focus off you dealing with your own healing.

 

I think this is more important that the excerpts from the book I just posted above. I guess I want to have more of an understanding of what I just went through and why and, honestly and in spite of everything, since I still care about her, I want to understand the issues she has going on. If it slows down by healing for a day or two to read this book and have a better understanding, I am willing to do that. I don't plan on reading this book and then running to her like I have answers and am back to help you! Not at all. I understand that I deserve and will find better and that this experience will, if nothing else, make me stronger mentally.

Edited April 7, 2011 by whatdoido1717

[hoping2heal]

I totally know what you mean. I, until recently knew nothing about BPD and have always just left it at "depression." However, I am working through a book betterdeal recommended, "Lost in the Mirrors: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder" and it is really hitting home.

 

It was eerie as I began reading when I read this, "Elton John's characterization of Marilyn Monroe as a candle in the wind captures the essence of the borderline personality. She is an elusive character lacking in identity, overwhelmed by a barrage of painful emotions, consumed by hunger for love and acceptance, and careening from relationship to relationship and impulse to impulse in a desperate attempt to control these feelings." In the beginning of our relationship Erin told me she felt like Marilyn Monroe and I had no idea what she really meant, I think I am starting to.

 

Here is an excerpt that is confirming she has signs of BPD:

 

Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

 

...Association defines BPD in terms of a menu of symptoms.Because only five of nine listed symptoms are required to make the diagnosis, there is theoretically the possibility of including people with vastly different symptom complexes and little resemblance to one another...

 

Disturbed Identity

 

1. Identity disturbance: self-image or sense of self persistently and markedly disturbed, distorted, or unstable. (Check)

 

2. Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Check)

 

3. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Check)

 

Disturbed Mood

 

4. Affective (emotional) instability due to marked reactivity of mood. Intense, episodic dysphoria (depressed mood), irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (Check)

 

5. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (Check)

 

6. Inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger, e.g. (Partial Check)

 

- frequent displays of temper

- constant anger

- recurrent physical fights

 

Disturbed Perception

 

7. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation (feelings of persecution) or severe dissociative symptoms (discontinuity of experience). If you are borderline, feelings may sometimes become so intense that they distort your perception of reality. At such times you may imagine your self deliberately persecuted by those who merely let you down. (Check)

 

Disturbed Behavior

 

8. Impulsiveness in at least two area that are potentially self-damaging:

 

- spending

- sex (Check)

- substance abuse (Check)

- reckless driving (Check)

- binge eating

 

(9.) - recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats (Check)

 

- self-mutilating behavior

 

---

 

I don't have the answers and you are right I shouldn't be trying to diagnose her myself.

 

 

 

 

I think this is more important that the excerpts from the book I just posted above. I guess I want to have more of an understanding of what I just went through and why and, honestly and in spite of everything, since I still care about her, I want to understand the issues she has going on. If it slows down by healing for a day or two to read this book and have a better understanding, I am willing to do that. I don't plan on reading this book and then running to her like I have answers and am back to help you! Not at all. I understand that I deserve and will find better and that this experience will, if nothing else, make me stronger mentally.

 

Some of those same symptoms mentioned area also related with other mental illnesses. That is what I mean, it does not always mean they are suffering from that actual diagnosis just because they appear to have the symptoms. Also, I hope you realize you are falling back into your old pattern again. You care, so you want to fix her, think you can fix her.

[whatdoido1717]

Some of those same symptoms mentioned area also related with other mental illnesses. That is what I mean, it does not always mean they are suffering from that actual diagnosis just because they appear to have the symptoms. Also, I hope you realize you are falling back into your old pattern again. You care, so you want to fix her, think you can fix her.

 

Everything you said is right. Ugh...

[Pens55]

Everything you said is right. Ugh...

 

Me and you both buddy

[whatdoido1717]

Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you

It's late September and I really should be back at school

I know I keep you amused, but I fell I'm being used

 

Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more

You led me away from home

Just to save you from being alone

 

You stole my heart and that's what really hurts

The morning sun when it's in your eyes really shows your age

But that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything

I laughed at all of your jokes, my love you didn't need to coax

 

Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more

You led me away from home

Just to save you from being alone

 

You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand

But you turned into a lover and mother

What a lover, you wore me out, all you did was wreck my bed

And in the morning kick me in the head

 

Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more

You led me away from home

'Cause you didn't want to be alone

 

You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried

I suppose I could collected my books and go on back to school

Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living at playing pool

Or find myself a rock and roll band, that needs a helping hand

 

Oh Maggie, I wished I'd never seen your face

You made a first class fool out of me

But I'm as blind as a fool can be

 

You stole my heart but I love you anyway

 

Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face

I'll get on back home, one of these days

Edited April 7, 2011 by whatdoido1717

[betterdeal]

Some of those same symptoms mentioned area also related with other mental illnesses. That is what I mean, it does not always mean they are suffering from that actual diagnosis just because they appear to have the symptoms.

 

The poster is plainly lucid and high functioning. I take his word about her behaviour and his experience to be largely accurate. It's therefore fine to assume that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, that it is, indeed, a duck even if a vet hasn't confirmed its ducktitudeness.

 

Besides that, the only other mental health conditions that meet those criteria are, correct me if I'm wrong, all personality disorders. PDs are all variations on a theme, with a few different symptoms (different coping mechanisms) based around a central core of an unsettled mind and poor emotion regulation. A rose by any other name.

 

If a medical professional has or has not given their opinion, what good comes of reading up on BPD or coming to your own opinion that she has a PD, depends on how you interpret what you read and how you use it.

 

If you used BDP as a dismissive term, to block out the person, to use it in a fear-based way, that's your choice, and that's how lots of people (including many medical professionals) cope with a difficult person. If you decide these people are damned, evil, bad, possessed, then so be it. That again, is your choice.

 

If, however, you use it to get to understand more about their internal workings and not to judge, value or dismiss them, you can gain in two ways: first, you gain from being able to discern what is yours and what is theirs, emotionally, and second you get to see the continuation, the linking of events better and so understand where they have come from and how really, it's not about good and bad people rather it is about good and bad things, thoughts, actions, poor decisions, poor emotional management, thus allaying a large part of your fears (fear of the unknown) and that makes you stronger.

 

It looks to as though the OP is opting for the latter.

 

Also, I hope you realize you are falling back into your old pattern again. You care, so you want to fix her, think you can fix her.

 

I don't think he is. He said he wasn't going to go running to her and declare he could fix her. This isn't Pretty Woman or Snow White, and he appears to know this. As I said before, if he wishes to explore reconciliation and developing a healthy relationship with her, they will need a lot of outside support and he will need to determine where his boundaries are and whether or not she has or is likely to incur on them so much as to make it a complete dealbreaker.

 

Regards the text she sent, it's small talk. Most of us have done it. But there's this elephant in the room. If you choose to reply, be precise and clear about how you feel and what you want.

 

"I'm feeling confused and hurt right now and need time and space away from you to process my feelings. Please stop the small talk / texts."

Edited April 7, 2011 by betterdeal

[hoping2heal]

The poster is plainly lucid and high functioning. I take his word about her behaviour and his experience to be largely accurate. It's therefore fine to assume that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, that it is, indeed, a duck even if a vet hasn't confirmed its ducktitudeness.

 

Besides that, the only other mental health conditions that meet those criteria are, correct me if I'm wrong, all personality disorders. PDs are all variations on a theme, with a few different symptoms (different coping mechanisms) based around a central core of an unsettled mind and poor emotion regulation. A rose by any other name.

 

If a medical professional has or has not given their opinion, what good comes of reading up on BPD or coming to your own opinion that she has a PD, depends on how you interpret what you read and how you use it.

 

If you used BDP as a dismissive term, to block out the person, to use it in a fear-based way, that's your choice, and that's how lots of people (including many medical professionals) cope with a difficult person. If you decide these people are damned, evil, bad, possessed, then so be it. That again, is your choice.

 

If, however, you use it to get to understand more about their internal workings and not to judge, value or dismiss them, you can gain in two ways: first, you gain from being able to discern what is yours and what is theirs, emotionally, and second you get to see the continuation, the linking of events better and so understand where they have come from and how really, it's not about good and bad people rather it is about good and bad things, thoughts, actions, poor decisions, poor emotional management, thus allaying a large part of your fears (fear of the unknown) and that makes you stronger.

 

It looks to as though the OP is opting for the latter.

 

 

 

I don't think he is. He said he wasn't going to go running to her and declare he could fix her. This isn't Pretty Woman or Snow White, and he appears to know this. As I said before, if he wishes to explore reconciliation and developing a healthy relationship with her, they will need a lot of outside support and he will need to determine where his boundaries are and whether or not she has or is likely to incur on them so much as to make it a complete dealbreaker.

 

Regards the text she sent, it's small talk. Most of us have done it. But there's this elephant in the room. If you choose to reply, be precise and clear about how you feel and what you want.

 

"I'm feeling confused and hurt right now and need time and space away from you to process my feelings. Please stop the small talk / texts."

 

Betterdeal, I understand you are just trying to be helpful. That said, it is really not as black and white as "well they have this, this, that, and that symptom..oh I know they have X mental health condition! if it were that simple, we would not have mental health doctors. I am not trying to say that the idea is totally wrong, but rather I do not understand advising to another individual that they go read a book on a certain personality disorder without an actual diagnosis. That is all.

[whatdoido1717]

If, however, you use it to get to understand more about their internal workings and not to judge, value or dismiss them, you can gain in three ways: first, you gain from being able to discern what is yours and what is theirs, emotionally, and second you get to see the continuation, the linking of events better and so understand where they have come from and how really, it's not about good and bad people rather it is about good and bad things, thoughts, actions, poor decisions, poor emotional management, thus allaying a large part of your fears (fear of the unknown) and that makes you stronger.

 

It looks to as though the OP is opting for the latter.

 

This is a much more eloquent way of saying what I was trying to say when I when I said I wasn't going to go running back to try and fix her. I am trying to use it for personal growth and understanding.

 

 

Regards the text she sent, it's small talk. Most of us have done it. But there's this elephant in the room. If you choose to reply, be precise and clear about how you feel and what you want.

 

"I'm feeling confused and hurt right now and need time and space away from you to process my feelings. Please stop the small talk / texts."

 

I do not intend to text her back at all. She has to come up with something better than that to say to me if she ever wants me to talk to her again.

 

I am not holding my breath. I fully anticipate more "small talk" texts, but as the denial of everything begins to wear off and the picture of who she really is and the way she really treated me becomes clearer it makes it easier to just delete those texts.

 

Part of reaching this point is understanding, to the best I can from the resources I have, at least part of the reasons she may act the way she does, treat loved ones the way she does, her true reasons for reaching out to me, etc. Which subsequently can help me to not be fooled and manipulated back in to her life to be used again.

 

(Side note: It is still very painful to type that last sentence. It is very hard to know the person I loved and still care about is not only capable of but actually did hurt me this deeply after I [foolishly] gave her all of me.)

[whatdoido1717]

Day 4 of no contact, here we go, almost the weekend.

[whatdoido1717]

I woke up with a question in my head...

 

If she really does have some sort of personality disorder and was manipulating me, using me, incapable of really loving me, etc, the entire time, why would she (which she showed me after our fight) have kept EVERY single thing I had ever given her (note wise)? Everything from the letters I wrote her in jail to three word "I love you" notes written on napkins. She kept everything I had ever written her no matter how trivial it may seem.

[betterdeal]

Betterdeal, I understand you are just trying to be helpful.

 

This sounds patronising to me.

 

That said, it is really not as black and white as "well they have this, this, that, and that symptom..oh I know they have X mental health condition!

 

Really? How is it done then?

 

If it were that simple, we would not have mental health doctors.

 

That's a logically incomplete argument. Because doctors are clever it does not follow that diagnosis cannot be simple.

 

I am not trying to say that the idea is totally wrong, but rather I do not understand advising to another individual that they go read a book on a certain personality disorder without an actual diagnosis. That is all.

 

Because he appears to be lucid enough to perform his own critical analysis and arrive at a reasonable conclusion of his own. The absence of a formal diagnosis does not mean the absence of the condition.

 

I feel I can read a book written for public consumption by someone experienced in working with people who meet the criterion to be considered to have a borderline personality disorder. I can then arrive at any number of conclusions. So can he, and so can you.

 

I also dislike the implied notion that science or medicine belongs to a certain group of self-certifying people.

[betterdeal]

If she really does have some sort of personality disorder and was manipulating me, using me, incapable of really loving me, etc, the entire time, why would she (which she showed me after our fight) have kept EVERY single thing I had ever given her (note wise)? Everything from the letters I wrote her in jail to three word "I love you" notes written on napkins. She kept everything I had ever written her no matter how trivial it may seem.

 

Sometimes people we love do bad things.

[GreenPolicy]

Betterdeal, I understand you are just trying to be helpful. That said, it is really not as black and white as "well they have this, this, that, and that symptom..oh I know they have X mental health condition! if it were that simple, we would not have mental health doctors. I am not trying to say that the idea is totally wrong, but rather I do not understand advising to another individual that they go read a book on a certain personality disorder without an actual diagnosis. That is all.

 

On a macro level, we know OP's ex has "issues." On a micro level, it is our best guess what those issues are, and only a mental health professional could say for sure after examining her. I don't see a healthy person when he describes her behavior and actions. I think it is healthy up to a point for OP to honestly look at the relationship and learn from it what he can so he doesn't find himself involved with such a person again in the future. But at a certain point, he has to turn the focus to himself and practice self-love and self-care.

[whatdoido1717]

Sometimes people we love do bad things.

 

Meaning ? Are you saying her keeping these letters and notes is almost sinister?

[GreenPolicy]

Meaning ? Are you saying her keeping these letters and notes is almost sinister?

 

You can click on my username and read my story if you want. My ex ended things in a way that didn't suggest emotional maturity or stability. I spent a lot of time wondering why she did X, why she didn't do Y, what doing X meant, did she miss me, should I reach out to her friends and family, was there a chance we could be together again, what she thought about me, was she already dating somebody else, etc. In the end, it's a waste of mental energy. When you are considering them, you are not considering yourself, and every time you consider them, you are delaying your healing. It's normal fresh out of a breakup to be fixated with your ex, but at a certain point you have to turn the focus to yourself. I'm a week shy of six months past my breakup. It still hurts, and I still think about her a lot, but my focus these days is on myself and what I can do to improve my life. If there's one piece of advice I can give to people fresh out of a breakup, it's that it's okay to cry, grieve and be sad, but it is a pointless waste of time to obsess and over-analyze your ex. We want to know Why and How, and sometimes if you really think about it, you probably don't want to know the answers to those questions.

 

When it comes to your ex, all you need to do is document the red flags you saw so that when you spot this again in future prospective partners, you will run instead of falling in love. I spent too much time obsessing about my ex and it delayed my healing.

[whatdoido1717]

You can click on my username and read my story if you want. My ex ended things in a way that didn't suggest emotional maturity or stability. I spent a lot of time wondering why she did X, why she didn't do Y, what doing X meant, did she miss me, should I reach out to her friends and family, was there a chance we could be together again, what she thought about me, was she already dating somebody else, etc. In the end, it's a waste of mental energy. When you are considering them, you are not considering yourself, and every time you consider them, you are delaying your healing. It's normal fresh out of a breakup to be fixated with your ex, but at a certain point you have to turn the focus to yourself. I'm a week shy of six months past my breakup. It still hurts, and I still think about her a lot, but my focus these days is on myself and what I can do to improve my life. If there's one piece of advice I can give to people fresh out of a breakup, it's that it's okay to cry, grieve and be sad, but it is a pointless waste of time to obsess and over-analyze your ex. We want to know Why and How, and sometimes if you really think about it, you probably don't want to know the answers to those questions.

 

When it comes to your ex, all you need to do is document the red flags you saw so that when you spot this again in future prospective partners, you will run instead of falling in love. I spent too much time obsessing about my ex and it delayed my healing.

 

 

I understand and agree with you completely. Still hard to get in that mind set this quickly

[GreenPolicy]

I understand and agree with you completely. Still hard to get in that mind set this quickly

 

Completely understandable. It will take time to reach that place. It did for me.

[whatdoido1717]

Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head

I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning

 

How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass

Of what was everything

All the pictures have all been washed in black,

tattooed everything...