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I Need to Be Honest With You Guys & Myself: Ex-Fiances, Depressed GFs and Drugs

whatdoido1717

By whatdoido1717
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Meaning ? Are you saying her keeping these letters and notes is almost sinister?

 

Not at all. I'm saying that no matter how much you try to make a coherent single sense out of everything, it will all boil down to sometimes the people we love do bad things, and lying to you, blowing up when you confronted her about her infidelity and such like are bad things. Keeping gifts is not a bad thing to do, is it?

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Not at all. I'm saying that no matter how much you try to make a coherent single sense out of everything, it will all boil down to sometimes the people we love do bad things, and lying to you, blowing up when you confronted her about her infidelity and such like are bad things. Keeping gifts is not a bad thing to do, is it?

 

Gotcha. And no it isn't a bad thing to do at all, that's why I was confused. I guess my main thinking behind bringing that up is it didn't seem to gel with or be something that somebody who was purely manipulating and using me would do. But yeah I am overthinking it and don't need to be. A) it doesn't even matter anymore really and b) it is probably not as black and white as I am trying to make it.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Don't worry about it. It's common to try and rationalise it, make sense of it. When you are ready, you'll start working through the emotions you've had to put on hold whilst you're in practical / survival mode. They tend to start surfacing one at a time. Or, rather, we tend to let one out at a time.

 

As you get further away from the danger you'll hopefully be able to process more emotions more frequently, and come to terms with all of those feelings being valid. We're complex beings and we feel a range of emotions simultaneously.

 

Keep on keeping on, bro.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Don't worry about it. It's common to try and rationalise it, make sense of it. When you are ready, you'll start working through the emotions you've had to put on hold whilst you're in practical / survival mode. They tend to start surfacing one at a time. Or, rather, we tend to let one out at a time.

 

As you get further away from the danger you'll hopefully be able to process more emotions more frequently, and come to terms with all of those feelings being valid. We're complex beings and we feel a range of emotions simultaneously.

 

Keep on keeping on, bro.

 

Thanks man.

 

Today has been pretty decent so far. Negative thoughts kare randomly popping into my head and my imagination is conjurring up scenarios I don't want to even contemplate so I try and push them away.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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I know this is all normal but I just wanna write it out to get it off my chest I guess

 

Why do I want some breadcrumbs right now?

 

Why am I so worried about what she will do and who she is going to kick it with this weekend? Is she going to hook up with somebody new this weekend... the weekends were our time together and this will be the first one in months we won't spend together.

 

Ugh.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Also, I think the weather is messing with me. The rain and overcast was more compatable with my mood. It is gorgeous out right now and all I can think about is plans we made to enjoy baseball and go to games all spring and summer.

Pens55 Established Member

Pens55

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But hey, if the weather outside is nice, get out and do something - take a jog, walk, ANYTHING. I know it brings back stupid memories, but if you can indulge in something active and positive for yourself, youll focus more on the present as time moves on.

 

Also, sunlight really helps with depression and mood. So there's some motivation right there!

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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But hey, if the weather outside is nice, get out and do something - take a jog, walk, ANYTHING. I know it brings back stupid memories, but if you can indulge in something active and positive for yourself, youll focus more on the present as time moves on.

 

Also, sunlight really helps with depression and mood. So there's some motivation right there!

 

I knew somebody would recommend that and that is what I was trying to tell myself to do. But, alas, I am jus too bummed to go outside and watch other happy couples walk around holding hands. Too much anger and pain still to go outside. The anger is starting to sink in a little bit more than anticipated.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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I am so glad my friend changed his facebook password when I drunkenly asked him to so I could stop myself from looking at her page. I would be trying to analyze everything on there.

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Trovador Established Member

Trovador

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Hey, man, glad you are handling this pretty well...

 

I am so glad my friend changed his facebook password when I drunkenly asked him to so I could stop myself from looking at her page. I would be trying to analyze everything on there.

 

When separating her issues with those proper of a break up, at the end of the day you have the right to feel like ****, we understand, man, we all have been there and there are days when it hurts like hell, but for the most part we are good!

 

Remember, by sticking around a person with addictions, we are doing them a real "disservice"; it's only when this persons sees himself alone, without crutchs to support him, when he might attempt to walk by himself...

 

You will be fine...

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Remember, by sticking around a person with addictions, we are doing them a real "disservice"; it's only when this persons sees himself alone, without crutchs to support him, when he might attempt to walk by himself...

 

You will be fine...

 

Thanks for that. That was good to read.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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It is killing me right now. I am sitting her trying to read read read to determine (to a point that is good enough in my own head, I guess) whether or she may have a PD or not. I am obsessiing over it now and it isn't good. It is like, I read things that are very similar and am like, okay maybe she does, and then things that don't correlate well and am like maybe not. Even the list I posted yesterday I still have some questions about now that I have read a little more. Maybe I am still in denial about things? Maybe I just don't like to think of what it would mean about what we had if she does have a PD? Or maybe I am obsessing to the point where I am painting her as something she might not be at all?

 

Now, I am feeling like, well if she had BPD than this, this and this, but if she didn't what does that mean about this, this, and this.

 

At this moment I feel like it is important to know if she does or not as to understand what really happened over the course of what we had. It's almost like if she has a PD it was all bull**** but if she doesnt than, despite the obvious red flags and what they mean, maybe she at least did have true feelings.

 

I know it really doesn't matter because I don't want to be with a person like that and I need to move on from her immediately for my own sanity but my brain keeps debating it all in my mind. Please help. I am going for a walk to see if I can get this out of my head. I wish it was easy enough to just say, "I wasn't treated the way I want to be treated in a relationship" or "why would I want to be in a relationship with somebody like that anyway" and just move on, but it really, as many of you know, isn't that easy.

spice4life Established Member

spice4life

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Trying thinking of it this way, it's not really your responsibility to diagnose her...leave that up to the professionals. Why not take the time to look at yourself instead and figure out what was going on inside of you that lead you into this relationship in the first place? I think that is where you will find your answers...the important ones anyway.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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I know this is all normal but I just wanna write it out to get it off my chest I guess

 

Why do I want some breadcrumbs right now?

 

Your subconscious is simple. It needs to hear that the thing it attached to is gone, to hear it's over. It just needs some time and some repetition of those sort of words to get accept it. Think of your subconscious as your inner child and your conscious as the inner parent.

 

The inner child responds best to clear, precise, simple, calm and consistent voices. Literally saying to yourself things like, "don't worry, it's over, it will be okay" repeatedly will get the message through.

Fufu Established Member

Fufu

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Distract your thoughts do things to occupy your mind.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Trying thinking of it this way, it's not really your responsibility to diagnose her...leave that up to the professionals. Why not take the time to look at yourself instead and figure out what was going on inside of you that lead you into this relationship in the first place? I think that is where you will find your answers...the important ones anyway.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it would probably be much more constructive for me to think about why I made the decisions I made that led me in to this relationship and I have slowly begun to tackle those questions.

 

And as much as I understand it is certainly not my responsibility to diagnose her, it for some reason, at this point, makes a big difference to me. I know it may sound stupid, but I feel like it changes the context of everything that happened between us and how I will look back on the relationship and how I will use it to grow.

 

To move on and become healthy I need to accept everything and I am having a hard time accepting anything because I don't know how to view what it all was. Was it a girl that did love me but, in believing the red flags (which I do), betrayed my love or was I with a girl that was not capable of ever returning my love and was simply using and manipulating me, my love and my support and all the pain that evokes in my heart. Great pain for myself knowing I gave all I could and sorrow for her despite everything she most likely did.

 

I know most would probably say, it doesn't matter, either way she probably cheated on you. Or either way, is that the type of girl you want to be with?

 

I understand those seemingly obvious questions, but for some reason this is really bothering me. Like I said, I wish I could just accept the facts (or pretty obvious things) and move on and focus on myself and my actions and decisions in all of this but I feel like I don't even know anything about anything right now.

 

I feel lost thinking about it so much. I wish I could just stand up and say to myself that she doesn't deserve another second of my thought whether she has a disorder or not.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Trying thinking of it this way, it's not really your responsibility to diagnose her...leave that up to the professionals. Why not take the time to look at yourself instead and figure out what was going on inside of you that lead you into this relationship in the first place? I think that is where you will find your answers...the important ones anyway.

 

Good advice. And of course she has a personality disorder: she screwed around and lied to a decent, honest, witty, intelligent, affectionate, kind, handsome guy like you? Come on, she'd have to have a defective personality to piss that up the wall.

 

Go and get a haircut, some new clothes, book yourself in for a massage with a qualified massage therapist, treat yourself. You're a survivor, you've seen and done things few of your peers can even conceive. You've expanded your mind. You've stretched beyond your comfort zone, you've seen another world, and you're beginning to get to know yourself better than most men. You're a champion, you're a real man whose really in touch with his feelings. You're unstoppable.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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I think perhaps part of my desire to understand if she ever really loved me harkens back to my first love. I consider my most recent ex my third real love.

 

The first girl I felt I truly loved turned out to be, as embarassing as it may seem, a lesbian. It really shook me deep because I couldn't stop thinking about what that meant about what we had, what I meant to her and what she ever really felt about me.

 

I feel these same feelings sneaking up now because there is a high probability my most recent love might have BPD. And then again, what does this mean about what we had, what I meant to her and what she ever really felt about me.

 

I had to go to counseling after my relationship with my first love because it hurt so bad and was so confusing. I feel like I am right back in that spot now...

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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You're a survivor, you've seen and done things few of your peers can even conceive. You've expanded your mind. You've stretched beyond your comfort zone, you've seen another world, and you're beginning to get to know yourself better than most men. You're a champion, you're a real man whose really in touch with his feelings. You're unstoppable.

 

Needed that right now, thank you. Thank you for continually taking time to help me through this process. You are a great person.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Needed that right now, thank you. Thank you for continually taking time to help me through this process. You are a great person.

 

Takes one to know one!

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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I think perhaps part of my desire to understand if she ever really loved me harkens back to my first love. I consider my most recent ex my third real love.

 

The first girl I felt I truly loved turned out to be, as embarassing as it may seem, a lesbian. It really shook me deep because I couldn't stop thinking about what that meant about what we had, what I meant to her and what she ever really felt about me.

 

I feel these same feelings sneaking up now because there is a high probability my most recent love might have BPD. And then again, what does this mean about what we had, what I meant to her and what she ever really felt about me.

 

I had to go to counseling after my relationship with my first love because it hurt so bad and was so confusing. I feel like I am right back in that spot now...

 

So much popular culture is based around the "true love" or "real love" and "the one" model. It's a pervasive and old model. The term "other half" for a spouse comes from the Ancient Greeks who had the idea that we were all originally split in half by the gods and then put on the Earth, with the purpose of finding our other half.

 

During the Renaissance, intellectuals (English and Scottish ones in particular) became entranced by the the Ancients. It was, after all, quite amazing for a culture that had been under the yolk of a unitary church and been told for centuries that there was one truth (and Rome was the keyholder to such) that there was in fact a period of civilization before the church.

 

That happened when texts from Ancient Greece were found / given to Christians by Muslims. These texts had lots of different ideas, lots of novel ways of seeing the world. The Ancient Greeks were not afraid to express ideas. This was amazing to English and Scottish intelligentsia. Radical. It was, in their eyes, the Golden Age.

 

They became infatuated. They swapped one gospel for another. So much of what we take to be a universal truth derives from this period. And the ideas that these intellectuals adopted spread with the spread of the Anglophonic population including to America. And like most new ideas, they became incorporated into the old ones. Christian and Golden Age philosophy was blended together to give us the pervasive idea of "the one", of "true love".

 

But in order to fit with this model we have had to reconcile having felt love for more than one person, and even felt it for more than one person at the same time. Hence we've come up with the idea of real feelings and fake ones.

 

But what makes a feeling real? What makes it false? If you feel it, how can it not be a feeling? This is where the "true love" model falls apart because all feelings are real. They're all valid. They may be generated by misunderstanding the situation (anger at a perceived offence when the thing you think happened didn't actually happen, for example) or something that actually happened, but they are all real.

 

My love for my nanna is no less real than my love for my lover. It's just different. There are many different kinds of love. Affection, passion, lust, obsession, craving, respect, familial love, sibling love. They're all subtly but profoundly different from one another.

 

That's life. We're complex beings with a complex selection of feelings about life, the world, people, things even. When we accept that idea, we can move onto doing things that make us happy instead of trying to think, control, or change reality to fit with the "true love" model.

 

My take is this: she did have passion and affection for you, and she did lie and manipulate you. Equally, you did love her, and you did get offended (angry, afraid) by things she did that offended you.

 

Sometime the people we love do bad things.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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My take is this: she did have passion and affection for you, and she did lie and manipulate you. Equally, you did love her, and you did get offended (angry, afraid) by things she did that offended you.

 

Sometimes the people we love do bad things.

 

Perfect thing to read before I go to sleep tonight. Thank you again very much for talking with me. Goodnight, friend.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Sometimes the people we love do bad things...

 

...I am trying to accept that and leave it at that but I keep thinking about all these scenarios, that seemed harmless and easily explained away by her at the time (her being a bartender doesn't help obviously) and just imagining the worst and that she cheated on me with all of them.

 

I wish I could just ask her straight up to tell me honestly if she did so I can move on. But I know I won't talk to her again, knowing the truth might even make it harder, or if somebody with a PD would even ever admit to that.

 

But its like all these nights she got hit on working and I let it go because it is part of her job but there were always partparticular guys that stuck out to me.

 

Where do I go to stop thinking about this? I wish it was easy enough to just realize she most likelycheated on me and have that be enough to be done with it. But now I am turning my stomach in knots thinking about how many times it could have happened. Then I think about all the times she seemed so sincere and believable when she would promise me she wouldn't do anything like that to me and it makes worse. How do I deal with never knowing? Hard to accept that I just have to let time pass because I am so confused and hurt by everything that potentially could have been done. I wish I could just turn away and never look back but I can't right now.

GreenPolicy Established Member

GreenPolicy

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It is killing me right now. I am sitting her trying to read read read to determine (to a point that is good enough in my own head, I guess) whether or she may have a PD or not. I am obsessiing over it now and it isn't good. It is like, I read things that are very similar and am like, okay maybe she does, and then things that don't correlate well and am like maybe not. Even the list I posted yesterday I still have some questions about now that I have read a little more. Maybe I am still in denial about things? Maybe I just don't like to think of what it would mean about what we had if she does have a PD? Or maybe I am obsessing to the point where I am painting her as something she might not be at all?

 

Now, I am feeling like, well if she had BPD than this, this and this, but if she didn't what does that mean about this, this, and this.

 

At this moment I feel like it is important to know if she does or not as to understand what really happened over the course of what we had. It's almost like if she has a PD it was all bull**** but if she doesnt than, despite the obvious red flags and what they mean, maybe she at least did have true feelings.

 

I know it really doesn't matter because I don't want to be with a person like that and I need to move on from her immediately for my own sanity but my brain keeps debating it all in my mind. Please help. I am going for a walk to see if I can get this out of my head. I wish it was easy enough to just say, "I wasn't treated the way I want to be treated in a relationship" or "why would I want to be in a relationship with somebody like that anyway" and just move on, but it really, as many of you know, isn't that easy.

 

Based on what you have posted, it's obvious that your girlfriend has some severe issues. Whether she's Borderline, Bipolar, whatever, figuring out on a micro level what exactly she is isn't really important. You just have to understand on a macro level that she has issues and you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody like that, and you need to learn to recognize the red flags so you don't get involved with somebody like that again.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Where do I go to stop thinking about this? I wish it was easy enough to just realize she most likelycheated on me and have that be enough to be done with it. But now I am turning my stomach in knots thinking about how many times it could have happened. Then I think about all the times she seemed so sincere and believable when she would promise me she wouldn't do anything like that to me and it makes worse. How do I deal with never knowing? Hard to accept that I just have to let time pass because I am so confused and hurt by everything that potentially could have been done. I wish I could just turn away and never look back but I can't right now.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know an easier way out of this one.

 

For me I was trying to work out what I could have done differently to achieve a different outcome, and I kept going over all the little details. Eventually I accepted what I did and why I did it, and realised that I couldn't have done anything different because everything prior had led to me doing what I did.

 

There's a song right now that goes "we could have had it all" and my ex sang it to me (she sings a lot) last time we met, and I just thought, no, "it was all we could have had".

 

What was, was, what will be is in your hands.

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