I Need to Be Honest With You Guys & Myself: Ex-Fiances, Depressed GFs and Drugs

[whatdoido1717]

Well folks, I am ashamed to have to write what I am about to write, but after all the help you have tried to give me, I feel like I somewhat owe it to those who have helped. If you are ready to hear about a weak man hitting rock bottom, continue reading...

 

Well, the weekend came and after work on Friday I began my drive up to my home town. I was filled with anxiety and a gut wrenching feeling. I knew I wasn't ready to go back up, even if it was to see my mother and friends.

 

Well, the closer I got to my destination the more and more my thoughts about everything began to take over my head. Next thing I know, I was texting our old dealer (~hangs head in shame~). Oh, don't worry, it gets much worse.

 

Well, he responds and says he is at the bar, her bar, and to just meet him there. Subconsciously, that is exactly where I wanted him to be. Well, I meet up with him and got what I asked for from him.

 

As I was sitting in the parking lot, yes, getting high, she knocks on my window. She asks what I am doing here and I tell her who I was meeting. She is clearly pissed, not so much that I am there, but because I didn't respond to her meaningless text on Wednesday. Like she was really hurt that I could ignore her. Well, sure enough she gets in my car and we begin talking. We actually had a pretty serious talk where I told her I didn't believe any of the reasons she gave me for all the red flags, that I felt like she disrespected me, etc. She gave me her reasonings, to minute details, of those situations and told me that she had been disrespectful, always wanted me to move up, ended things with her ex once and for all (ie, him asking her to Mariners games being inappropriate, etc.) and that she had started lexapro and was already feeling a little better. She got out of the car, a half an hour later (was only supposed to be a cigarette break for her), we hugged and I began driving to my friends' house where a bunch of us were gonna hang out.

 

Now, I was going to mostly see my best friend, pretty much like my brother, and some other people and they had been expecting me about an hour earlier. When I showed up there was an awkward tension around the room. My best friend walked up to me and was like hey, we need to talk. He walked me outside and told me he knew everything. He knew about the drugs and everything. He told me everyone in the room was worried that I was doing heroin, meth, etc. and asked me when the last time I had done anything was... ...I told him two weeks ago. Well, other people start coming out and we decide to talk more about it later in the evening.

 

Well, I ended up going to sleep before most everyone and while I was sleeping, my friend and one other friend took my car keys and went out to my car. (They had seen what I was doing in it earlier in the night). I woke up and followed them out there.

 

This moment was rock bottom. My friends made me give them everything I had in my car, which was one pill. My best friend told our other friend to go inside and he started balling. Crying like I had never seen him cry before. He told me that he couldn't watch me do this to myself, that he was dealing with his brother being addicted to pills, and how incredibly hurt he was that I had lied to his face earlier in the night. He told me he couldn't be my friend anymore if I was going to do this to myself. I cried too.

 

I had no idea what to do at that point, I felt lost and hopeless. I went back in to the house after he did and laid back down. I, not sure why now, text Erin and told her everything that had happened. No response. I didn't even want to think about what she was doing (it was after 3am and she had gotten off work an hour earlier) so I tried to go to sleep.

 

I woke up early in the morning and couldn't face my friend in the eye so I drove to my mom's house and tried to calmly hang out with her. My friend called me and asked if I wanted to come play shuffleboard with everyone in a couple hours so I started gathering my things and took off.

 

At this point, I was deeply saddened by how I had hurt my friend but, as selfish as it sounds now while I type it, I was almost more hurt that I cared so much for never even called after I had texted her the night before about everything that went down. I was pissed and hurt so on the way to play shuffleboard I went to her house to get the final few things I had there.

 

I know, a series of big time mistakes all weekend. Well, I get there and she is haggered from the night before. Still wearing the same clothes. The same short red mini skirt. Ugh, you know where my mind went to on that. I asked her for my things and she asked what happened with everything. I told her it doesn't matter and that if she really cared she wouldn't have waited to ask me about it until this point.

 

Well, I got my things and we started talking, more yelling I guess. We talked about how toxic we were together and that neither of us could get sober if we were near each other and she made it clear that is what she wanted to do (although, who the F knows anymore). She told me to stop thinking about her and to go fix my life. She told me I had to get out of her house before her sister got home or her sister would be heated. I left without a hug or a handshake.

 

I got to the tavern where we were going to play shuffleboard and wasn't ready to go inside but had calmed down a little bit. I called Erin back and told her I apologized for just showing up at her house. I told her that I agree with her that we can only get sober if we do it on our own and that there is no way we can be anything now or for a long time. We talked about our individual current situations pertaining to drug use. We talked about how we both had wanted a relationship that wasn't this and that we didn't think that it was the bases of what we had. I hung up the phone and walked inside.

 

When I got inside I pulled my best friend and his dad outside and had a heart to heart with both of them. I told them everything that had happened. That that is not who I am or who I want to be. That I was sorry, especially to my friend for what I did. They forgave me, we cried, and hugged and went back inside.

 

That night a couple people from her bar text my friend's phone asking if we were coming in anymore. He didn't reply. Pretty obvious we weren't coming in for a while after what just happened.

 

On Monday I was ready for change. I woke up went to work. After work I went to the gym and worked out. The first time in months. I went grocery shopping for healthy food and ate healthy all day. I even went to my first piano lesson which I signed up for in the morning. Signed up for therapy and counseling which I am starting soon. ...Ready to get back to the person my best friend and the person I know I really am.

 

The piano lesson was great. I played when I was like 5 and had always regretted giving it up. When I walked out of the hour lesson it hit me that it was the first time I am a prolonged period of time where I was awake that I hadn't thought about all the sh** in my life.

 

Monday and yesterday, whenever I thought of her I started writing. I ended up writing two songs, guess I was excited about the piano lesson, ha.

 

Then on Tuesday, I felt just a tad better. I could feel I am slowly starting to climb back up from the bottomless pit. I went to the Blazers basketball game last night and was having fun. I was feeling very good about occupying my time, doing healthy things, and was aware that these little steps, no matter how hard everything was at the moment, are gonna help bit by bit.

 

Well, with 2 minutes left my phone rings. It is just a number, not a contact, so I answer it. Who do you think it was? Yup, Erin. I said, Erin, I am at the Blazers game I cannot talk to you right now.

 

She sounded desperate and asked if I could please talk to her for just five minutes. I told her fine, stupidly, and walked out to the smoking area where it was quiet and called her back. Want to know what was so important she needed me to stop watching the game...

 

She said, I almost got fired Friday for what happened and spending so much time talking to you. They've also taken away a bunch of my hours and I know this isn't your problem anymore but I'm just worried. She said she was thinking about texting my friend (same best friend from above) and telling him that she hopes he and his family (we, meaning me and my friends' family, which is pretty much my family too, have been going there for years. It is out spot) aren't not going to come to the bar because of everything that happened. That she deserved to lose her job if that happened over us. And that she hoped they didn't hate her for everything and that I could tell them she was sober for the past week.

 

She brought up some story about how one of her coworkers, who me and my friend used to go to HS with and the same coworker that text my friend asking if we were coming anymore, had heard from a friend, who heard from a friend that we said we were never coming in anymore.

 

I was literally thinking, WTF in my head. I basically told her text him if you want, I don't care. It's not my business. I told her that we were asleep when he got the text from her coworker and that we obviously weren't going to come in after everything that went down (It didn't tell her it was ridiculous for her to think they would never come in again or how unfathomable it was that she would call me about this! And ask me to walk away from the game for this!). She got very upset that I didn't care and said, "oh so now you are just going to walk away completely because there is too much turmoil." I told her I don't have any other options but to walk away. She got angrier and told me I didn't care about her and that I was a piece of **** and then hung up on me. I called her back, not sure why, but she just said something quick and hung up again so I left it at that.

 

You can safely assume that ruined my night. Pretty much ruined my day today as well. You would think it would be so easy to use that to say wow, that really shows her character or wow, she clearly isn't being logical and clearly has issues. All of which would indicate that I need to get the hell out. I am getting the hell out, as fast as I can, but its so frustrating to hear her say I don't care and that I am a piece of **** because I don't care about whether or not my friend's family comes into the bar again while its taken every once of energy for me to focus on myself and not worry about her issues. If she thinks I don't care she should read the two f****** songs I wrote for her in the past two days.

 

I see how her ex fiance is destroying his life (not eating, depression, etc) trying to remain in hers and trying to get her back and meanwhile look what she was doing to him the whole time. I will not do that. I care about her more than she will ever know, but I can't deal with this. There is nothing I can do and it's only going to hurt me to try and be there for her. I want to let go so bad, and I am getting so close, but it still hurts. I just need to understand that she has serious issues and let them go. Anyway, now you are all updated. I am excited about counseling and getting my life back. After the realizations I had about what I did to my friend, family, etc. I have no intentions of going back down the rabbit hole. I am excited to talk to my counselor about all of this and use this entire situation to make me stronger and more understanding of myself. (If you are concerned still about my drug use, I totally understand, but it is amazing the impact of being interventioned can have if you really listen to the people you care about when they tell you what you are doing to yourself).

 

So, to finish up, here are the two songs I wrote and when I am more experienced at the piano maybe they will become actual music someday. If she only knew that this how much I cared the moment when she called me a piece of **** for not caring (if I were to write anything now, it would be a much different tone):

 

------------

 

"Mariyln and Joe"

 

Swept into your tornado like an innocent fly.

I lived in its eye, well I closed mine.

Held on to what I could, let the flags whip by

When I walked out from that storm, I wasn't the same guy.

 

And hello, my Marilyn Monroe

It's quite alright for you to call me Joe.

Can I slip into your life for a minute or so,

come on baby,

Let's be free.

 

I think 'bout the path we walked toe in toe.

With matching shirts and matching shoes (slight laugh),

through highest highs, and lowest lows.

I try and ignore pain, I wish the happy thoughts could stay

Somehow I always thought those Angel's wings would carry us away.

I know we were the team that we always proclaimed,

but our love was f*ckin' toxic and it left us both stained.

 

And hello, my Marilyn Monroe,

It's not alright to use Dimaggio,

but can I slip into your life for a minute or so,

come on baaaabyyy,

i'll never know.

 

Said I can't unbreak broken

so I broke myself instead

Tryin to balance out your actions

with all the loving things you said.

You asked me where the good goes?

Well, the good is right here.

To find the good within yourself,

just stand and face your fear.

 

Hey Marilyn, look in the mirror,

Do you like what you see?

Your broken heart and broken dreams

You've even broken me.

Only you have the power

to be what you dream.

I know that you can make it there,

as hard as it seems.

Fear not all your demons,

ignore your false friends.

I'm working on myself right now,

but I'll worry until the end.

 

God damn it Marilyn, wake up, can't you see!

How you fill our hearts with love

and the woman you're meant to be.

I'll never understand, but one day you'll be free

just as soon as you realize

your misinterpreted self-identity.

...If nobody who makes us cry

is worth crying over.

Explain that to my friend

while I wipe my tears ...on his shoulder.

 

hello, my Marilyn Monroe

I can't believe how you could hurt me so

I slipped into your life about a minute ago,

I love you baby,

Set me free.

 

Hey Marilyn, I'm sorry

but you know I gotta go.

The pain I feel inside is to true.

God it hurts to know I'll never know,

What I meant to you.

But someday I hope you're happy

Someday I hope you're free

from all the emptiness and misery

that chains you up with me.

I can't help you find your happiness,

I can't walk along with you,

but listen to these words my dear,

and I'll never abandon you (drawn out).

 

And please be, Auntie E (slow again and drawn out),

the woman inside I know you want to be

Opened my eyes it was never bout me

Come on baby,

set yourself free.

 

Goodbye, my Marilyn Monroe,

I'll always hope I wasn't average Joe,

I slipped into your life for a minute or so,

Goodbye babyyyy,

Goodbye babyyy,

please be free.

 

------------------------------------------

 

"The Run of the Cheetah"

 

[CHORUS]

How you can look me in the eye

and tell me I always had you?

How can you look me in the eye,

when you look you just look right through.

How can you tell me you love me,

when you don't even love yourself?

How can you tell me you love me,

when you wanna be someone else.

[CHORUS]

 

You got comfortable in the chaos,

but it leaves you more alone.

I got comfortable in your chaos,

but it left me on my own.

 

Now I', lost and don't know what to do,

'cuz I still care so much about you.

My head is spinning with worry,

but there's nothing I can do.

 

Nothing I can doooo,

until you see the magic in you.

 

[CHORUS]

 

And maybe you want to run free,

like a cheetah filled with rage.

But the reality is I'm sorry,

your locking yourself up in that cage.

 

So much guilt on my part,

So much guilt on you.

Never what I wanted us to be,

but I guess reality is whats true.

 

I wanted to be a Cheetah,

running free with you.

When I tried to be your Cheetah,

I got lost in running with you.

I tried to run free with my Cheetah,

it's like two beasts about to engage.

I tried to run free with my Cheetah,

but it pushed you further back into your cage.

 

What our love could have been,

I guess we'll know.

God, I loved our running,

but now I hate it so.

I hate how all the running,

skewed how much I care.

And to watch you keep on running,

is almost more than I can bare.

 

[CHORUS]

 

You look to your pack for guidance

but they can't give you what you need.

So you turn your back on those who care

and set out again to run free.

 

But once you stop your running,

and think about why you began.

Then you can stop your running,

and truly be free again.

 

I want to tell you to stop running.

Stop running away from love.

Cuz the places you've been running,

ain't gonna help you rise above.

 

But who tells a Cheetah to stop running,

I can't make you change your pace.

But if you don't slow down you'll be empty

before the end of life's race.

 

[CHORUS]

 

I think about how you hurt me

and I know I cut you too.

Now the only way to show I care

is to stop running around with you.

 

I wonder if you used me

well I know I enabled you.

Now the only way you can heal,

is for you to stop running too.

 

But I can't cry anymore for my Cheetah,

while she thinks she's free in her cage.

Nothing I can do for my Cheetah,

so I quietly turn the page.

 

How you can look me in the eye

and tell me I always had you?

How can you look me in the eye,

when you look you just look right through.

How can you tell me you love me,

when you don't even love yourself?

How can you tell me you love me,

baby, it's time to be someone else.

 

---------

 

...after writing all of that I feel a lot better than I did going into writing that. It's like a deep breath.

Edited April 14, 2011 by whatdoido1717
Last Sentence Update.

[Exit]

Yikes. What a messy situation. You guys really need space from each other. Not just "she needs space and you should endure it too", you also need some space from all of this. Nothing is ever going to get better if you're just calling each other to argue over the phone. I know that wasn't your doing, she called you to complain about the situation with her job, but whatever. All the good memories of the times you had together are going to fade away because they're being replaced with memories of all this painful stuff.

[betterdeal]

Thanks for the update, it's good to hear from you again. Seems you're doing lots of new things to change your life, and that's the only way it works - things change if we change. You're on a new journey now, one in inner space, you'll have more epiphanies, and more tough times, but keep an eye on the overall trend as so long as that is upwards, you'll be on the right track.

 

[tyler123]

Whatdoido- Love ya man, so glad you are getting honest with yourself. I have been in your shoes; i almost feel like i am in your shoes. I am a recovering drug addict that has been in a toxic relationship with a girl that too is a drug addict and suffers from clinical depression. I hit rock bottom 4yrs ago -- started off with just drinks and pot use- ended with daily crack cocaine use, no job, no home. Well that was 4 years ago- i started attending daily AA meetings, got a sponsor and started working the steps. I started to feel alive again, i started to feel useful. I found an attractive women in the program and though they say no relationships the first year of sobriety - I, like everything else had to learn through pain.. my point is you seem to be doing the same thing i tend to do - I played superman and thought i could help this girl, and thought i was able to handle her ****. The truth is /was i just did not want to focus on ME- that is very common- we look for distractions, usually relationship ones because it fills sometype of HUGE HOLE we have inside. the natural thing for me to do is fill my hole with someone elses problems and play the "NICE GUY" - but trust me after 100 relapses and not willing to let go and letting the RELATIONSHIP be the #1 priority i was only stunting my growth. You need to focus on you, I suggest trying a couple of meetings out- not just one time- try to make 3/4 meetings- god knows i can not do it alone and it's nice to hear others stories and see them prosper in sobriety. i would be more than happy to talk to you anytime if you have any questions. you are off to a great start, playing the piano and writing, going to blazers game (BULLS RULE BY THE WAY!!!) sorry i am a chicago guy and had to throw that in. i have only been NC with my girl for 12 days but the more meetings i hit and more i get involved in life, i feel better and it gets easier much faster than laying my hooks into the relationship. I see her calls and texts and i am not responding- I at times feel bad for ignoring and ****- but the truth is i know that if i talk i will hurt more and can easily get sucked in- just like a drug cause i am and addict- but not just too drugs, booze, but anything that is a distraction- I am just focusing on good distractions that i know won't lead to me in my car chasing drugs, or women. Keep playing the piano and coming on here- love to keep in touch

[whatdoido1717]

Thanks for the responses Exit, betterdeal and tyler.

 

tyler, thank you for sharing your story, would love to keep in contact about everything and hear more about what you went through if you don't mind sharing.

 

...last night I had two awful nightmares and it is messing with my head this morning. Man, I don't want to deal with these emotions and thoughts anymore.

 

Nightmare 1) My ex gave sexual favors for drugs.

Nightmare 2) My ex committed suicide and I was at her funeral.

 

What an awful way to wake up. I don't deserve this torture when she is probably out not thinking about me at all. How did I get caught up with such a woman? Why do I still care about such a woman?

 

Listening to this song helps, at least a little bit...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siZCsUFpva4

 

...I asked my friend the other day if she will ever realize what she had in me and what she lost. He told me that what is important is for me to realize in myself how good I am and what she had and when I've reached that point it won't matter to me whether or not she knows what she had because I will. Ugh, this isn't fair.

[whatdoido1717]

On a side note, I am also thinking I need to get checked for STDs as we had unprotected sex. After reading another poster's thread about his ex having HIV I am having some anxiety over this as well...

[tyler123]

whatDOido- check my other posts- as to tell my story would take forever. i am glad you asked for help, cause i need it too- everyday. I know this sounds crazy but the truth is this has nothing to do with the relationship but everything to do with YOU. The same is true for me- our obssession about the women that we experienced pain with is wasted energy- the only thing i can do that "WORKS" and will work is focusing on taking care of myself. trust me when i say that she does think of you, good and bad and her thoughts like yours about her are all over the place. I use to worry all the time about how can she do this to me , and how dare she, is she thinking about me, missing me- etc. all that thought and energy was keeping me stuck in the misery zone. It serves no purpose - other than making you nuts. TRUST ME- i just got a text from my girl- who is 2 weeks sober (giving her the benefit of the doubt) she asked me how i was? i was able to ignore a voice mail and call from her 2 days ago. But i started to feel bad for ignoring her and started worry about her AGAIN and hurting her feelings. SEE HOW I SHIFTED THE FOCUS OFF OF MY HAPPINESS- that's what we do cause i know that i have a lot of work to do on me and the reality is there is no way this early into sobriety i can be in a relationship with someone who has the same addict thinking i do. I will not sit around waiting for her to call me - i will not beat myself up for responding- i am not perfect- but i will not DWELL i will write you , read your messages, and others, i can be uselful and this helps- you are helping me so much it's scary. your experience and your feelings can be mine in a blink of an eye so that encourages me to stay the course or at least get back on course- i am going to a meeting tonight (AA) i will talk to my sponsory and take his suggestions and i will not think I KNOW WHAT IS BEST for her for me- that gets me in the car sitting waiting for the drug dealer- you know that experience? do you want to be where you were last week with your friends in your face, while you are all strung out? DUDE you are AMAZING you should not be so hard on yourself- look where you are today vs last week- that's called progress. iam not sure how it works on these forums but i got a slow day at the office if you want to talk on the phone i would be more than happy to

[tyler123]

the nightmares are normal - well at least i can say is i've had my share- don't take them seriously cause if i did i would be incarcerated. i have seen my lady get gang banged by way too many people in my dreams- my guess is there is some truth to it- but thats on them - for us to live in the solution we can not focus on others behaviors except focusing on ours in reaction- we need to try to be neutral and content with RIGHT NOW.

[whatdoido1717]

Hey tyler, thanks for all your words and for bein there for me. I am really trying to head your advice as you've been in my shoes.

 

I drive a van around for work and I've gone from having to pull over and cry or ball myself up in the back to sitting in my customers parking lots just completely numb.

 

I want to focus on myself but I get caught up throughout the day thinking about all the pain and situations like my dreams pop in my head and I get the most gut wrenching pain. I hurt for her. I hurt for myself. I drive myself insane comparing these images to all the loving aspects of what we had. I'm getting better with understanding that those things don't matter anymore and I need to focus on my healing but for the most part I can't step away from these thoughts and feelings.

 

A girl that can't reciprocate love, been in jail multiple times, most likely cheated, probably lied to my face many times. I'm addicted to her just like the drugs. Why?! I'm better than her but I can't accept that clearly yet.

 

I don't want to be her ex fiance who has ruined his life trying to remain in hers and look what she was doing with me the entire time she kept him around. I can't be him andp carry similar pain to what he must be going through...

 

...but the connection we had, whatever it may have been and the true feelings I had for her can't let me put worries for her away yet. Ugh, again, why?! What's wrong with me? I want to grab her and say look at me! Look what I became by being with you! Look at me! All of the things I could've given you! ...my heart can't let it go despite all the pain she caused me (and if I knew the truth about everything how much more infinite would that pain seem) because I can't be okay knowing what a painful life she may lead forever. Eventually I will get back to who I was but its painful to let her go knowing she might live a life full of misery. I'm not sad cuz I want to fix her or save her, obviously I am powerless but to watch somebody you cared so much for struggle hurts, despite what they did to me or whether they bring it all on themselves. Somebody said the only way I can help now is to step away and not be her crutch because that is the only way she can see the pain she is causing herself so I'm trying to do that by focusing on me but da** this is painful!...and this is only one part of everything I'm dealing with.

[whatdoido1717]

Man I loved her tattoos

 

She had "doin dirt" tat'd on her knuckles and "please forgive me?" On her leg (among many others)

 

I wrote this yesterday...

 

IT WAS NAIVE TO THINK 'DOIN DIRT' DIDN'T APPLY TO ME

AND TO IGNORE THE QUESTION MARK AFTER 'PLEASE FORGIVE ME.'

YOUR TATTOS SEEM TO MEAN MORE NOW THAT I'VE STEPPED AWAY

BUT THE CUTS FROM LIES VS. LOVE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE HERE TO STAY.

[tyler123]

"Eventually I will get back to who I was but its painful to let her go knowing she might live a life full of misery."

 

Whatdoido- i used to think just like you so you help me see the progress i can make and how i can easily regress to my old thinking- when my ex choose to go back to her husband all i would think about was how big of a mistake she was making - i would be in meetings, talking with friends - physically i was there but my mind was stuck in painting pictures of what She was doing, how big of a mistake she was making, and how she would be so much better with me. the reality was i could not stay sober for more than 30 days at a time- if i had a kid would i want them to be with someone that was a constant relapse? HELL nO. try this trick/ tool the next time your thinking starts to go away from the PRESENT MOMENT and into the UNKNOWN. FEEL YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND- say out loud what you actually see in front of you- look at the trees, the yellow line in the road- whatever you see say it outloud - i found this to work even though i had to do it like every other minute - but it beats drifting , focusing then dwelling and being stuck in the UNKNOWN. ALL YOU HAVE IS NOW. that other **** is your mind playing tricks on you. i am pretty sure you are true ADDICT like me- so you have a disease that needs to be treated or it will progress. are you open to go to an AA Meeting? you will hear people and meet people that have all been in your shoes.

[betterdeal]

You're doing well. The nightmares are ways your subconscious lets out its feelings. If you continue having trouble sleeping, see your doctor about getting some sleeping pills for a short while. Definitely have a health screen for STDs - always a good idea after unprotected sex. Can you get some time off work?

 

Keep on being kind to yourself and letting those feelings out. It's hard, I know, but it's good for you. Identify them, identify the cause, feel them, acknowledge them, then let them go. There's going to be a lot of them, and it will take time to let them all out, but you'll get there.

[tyler123]

so i know you are a BLAZERS fan , think of this analogy -

Remember Sebastian Telfair? When Maurice Cheeks or whomever drafted him they thought we was going to be the point guard for years to come for your team. There were many times Cheeks saw him hit 3's, drive and dish- however there too were many incidents off the court, turnovers, airballs, selfish play etc. well eventually many people in the nba lowered his stock, labeled him a bust, as his play continued to not improve more and more people lost faith in him, but i am sure CHeeks or whomever drafted him tried to hang on to hope longer than most- he tried to focus on his upside and his potential- the truth is he was emotionally invested and his Ego did not want to admit he made a mistake- well eventually he faced reality and cut his losses and telfair is a lost memory over time

Moral of the story our EGOS cloud our judgement and those that are invested in something have the biggest egos about it. CHeeks had a job, a life, etc. he could lose all that if he did not admit he was wrong and move on. most GMS' get fired if they make bad decisions or dont quickly make adjusments to their mistakes. You are the GM and you are NOT GOD - you can't make telfair hit 3's, excite the crowd- you are not that powerful, it's hard enough to work on our own game. WORK ON YOUR GAME

[whatdoido1717]

"Eventually I will get back to who I was but its painful to let her go knowing she might live a life full of misery."

 

Whatdoido- i used to think just like you so you help me see the progress i can make and how i can easily regress to my old thinking- when my ex choose to go back to her husband all i would think about was how big of a mistake she was making - i would be in meetings, talking with friends - physically i was there but my mind was stuck in painting pictures of what She was doing, how big of a mistake she was making, and how she would be so much better with me. the reality was i could not stay sober for more than 30 days at a time- if i had a kid would i want them to be with someone that was a constant relapse? HELL nO. try this trick/ tool the next time your thinking starts to go away from the PRESENT MOMENT and into the UNKNOWN. FEEL YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND- say out loud what you actually see in front of you- look at the trees, the yellow line in the road- whatever you see say it outloud - i found this to work even though i had to do it like every other minute - but it beats drifting , focusing then dwelling and being stuck in the UNKNOWN. ALL YOU HAVE IS NOW. that other **** is your mind playing tricks on you. i am pretty sure you are true ADDICT like me- so you have a disease that needs to be treated or it will progress. are you open to go to an AA Meeting? you will hear people and meet people that have all been in your shoes.

 

I was looking up AA and NA meeting schedules but am not sure which one I should go to. Not sure if AA is only for alcoholics or for all addiction. I've been tryin the stay in the moment tool while I'm driving and its helping a little bit. Ugh this is horrible though. I have so much sorrow and hatred and pain that if somebody said the wrong thing to me right now id probably rip their head off.

 

You're doing well. The nightmares are ways your subconscious lets out its feelings. If you continue having trouble sleeping, see your doctor about getting some sleeping pills for a short while. Definitely have a health screen for STDs - always a good idea after unprotected sex. Can you get some time off work?

 

Keep on being kind to yourself and letting those feelings out. It's hard, I know, but it's good for you. Identify them, identify the cause, feel them, acknowledge them, then let them go. There's going to be a lot of them, and it will take time to let them all out, but you'll get there.

 

Can't get much time off. Maybe a couple hours to see the doctor. I'm calling now to set something up

 

Thank you guys so much. I have to go up again this weekend and am nervous. Its going to be hard, luckily next weekend I am visiting my brother in san diego...

[dng]

I woke up with a question in my head...

 

If she really does have some sort of personality disorder and was manipulating me, using me, incapable of really loving me, etc, the entire time, why would she (which she showed me after our fight) have kept EVERY single thing I had ever given her (note wise)? Everything from the letters I wrote her in jail to three word "I love you" notes written on napkins. She kept everything I had ever written her no matter how trivial it may seem.

 

Ahhh the endearing.

 

She kept them and made sure you knew so she could... manipulate you.

[tyler123]

when i hit bottom i was only smoking coke. i was rarely drinking but if it was around i would take anything. I had the same question you did and what i found is AA was full of people that had different drugs of choice- don't get hung up on the DRUGs vs DRINKING- it's all the same problem- go to either but i found NA people to have less time under their belt cause most were young with the new age drugs- AA since that is where NA and all the other things come from has a wider variety of ages, experiences, etc. Bottom line is just go to a meeting, listen and share if you are comfortable. Tell a readers digest version if you are up to it. WHat i found in the beginning when i first entered the rooms was loving people that loved me when i could not know how to love myself- eventually i started to understand and still need a CONSTANT reminder especially on hard days is that " nothing absolutely nothing will get better with a drink or drug" ; that my drinking/drugging was not my problem but a symptom to my thinking ... sound familiar? do you really need to go up there this weekend? i suggest take safety precautions from contacting her- seeing her etc. - don't isolate be around friends, your mom that know you are a better person without her or the booze/drugs-. ASK FOR HELP- is the most powerful tool you have- their is no shame in needing help- from that you get A NEW POWER

[whatdoido1717]

I have to go up to help my mom with some things and surround myself with true friends that will not allow me to get back into any of the things that are bringing me down.

 

I am just swinging by my house to get my things but I am headed out to go to the clinic to get my STD tests taken.

 

One small thing, that really means nothing and doesn't bother me a ton but is a little stab I guess, is that I noticed her sisters still "like" and comment on her ex fiance's status on facebook. I don't check hers as I made my friend change his password, but I sometimes find myself checking his assuming that she went back to him. Been a lot better about that, in fact today was the first time in a while I did it again. Just sucks that he is the good guy to her family and I am the enabling ass**** to everyone. Doesn't matter, but it sucks to know they'll never understand that despite some of the things I did for her I cared about her just as much as anyone of her family members and only wanted to help her find a better life. I got caught up with her and just became enabling and the opposite of what I wanted to be in her life and in her and her family's eyes. I always tried to help her with drinking and other aspects that nobody was around for, that people like her ex and her sister had given up on her for. By the very end, just before we officially ended it, we were working on a way to cut out everything because we didn't want to be that (all of this could be BS obviously, but that isn't my point and I know we couldn't have done it together which is she says we broke up...) ...anyway, I am a very kind hearted guy, you can ask anybody who really knows me, and to be known as the guy that ruined her life even more in her family's eyes kinda stings because I always wanted to do the opposite. Oh well, back to staring at the yellow lines on the road. I will keep you guys updated on this weekend and will be on here if I need support. Thanks again.

[tyler123]

whatdoido- did you read what i said about your blazers? lol

i totally get what you said about her parents and family- **** her parents look at me as the reason why their lil princess got divorced- I AM THE HOME WRECKER-- meanwhile i can sit and tell you the 1000 times i was there for her while her parents were in florida at there 2nd home, her ex husband was banging another chick- what about the million times i drove her to AA meetings, gave her encouragement. BLAH BLAH- yes when i focus on that and I HAVE TRUST ME- I RAGE in my head and i am wasting time and energy - it's a bunch of noise to keep me miserable.. for right now all i am doing is saying to myself that i have much bigger things to worry about then how people who don't know me - judge me.

 

ANy chance regardless if you need the support or not you can check in on here later tonight and sat. i think it's important to stay accountable even if we make mistakes

[betterdeal]

I'll tell you a bit of my story that might give you a different light on the feeling bad because you're sure you're being blamed and looked down on by the people she's with now.

 

My ex had a very difficult relationship with a guy who jumped off her balcony and died. She was blamed for his death by his parents and some of his friends. She was investigated extensively by the police.

 

So not only had she lost someone important to her, she was blamed for his death. She coped with smack and crack. She worked in a bar, was in a band, and sold sex at least once. She has a degree and is high functioning.

 

She hadn't grieved that loss fully in the five years since that period. When I tried to kill myself last year, after a very difficult relationship with her, I could have blamed her. After all, she might be the common denominator.

 

But then again, it was my choice. Just as it was the other guy's choice. The real common denominator is that all three of us was in a complete mess, very unstable, self-medicating and full of hurt that we did not know how to deal with.

 

So what I'm saying is, some people will presume you guilty without knowing the facts - just as my ex's parents did her - and some will accept that blaming either of you is not going to fix the issues at the heart of your respective pain, and it normally takes two to tango anyway.

 

You can't please all of the people all of the time, but you can please yourself all of the time. And so long as you know you did as well as you knew how to at that time, that's the only judge you need to satisfy.

 

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I'm glad I did. You will be too, when you've healed enough and can see what you have gained from this experience.

Edited April 15, 2011 by betterdeal

[whatdoido1717]

Tyler, that's a good idea. I will do it for sure either way. Thank you

[whatdoido1717]

I'll tell you a bit of my story that might give you a different light on the feeling bad because you're sure you're being blamed and looked down on by the people she's with now.

 

My ex had a very difficult relationship with a guy who jumped off her balcony and died. She was blamed for his death by his parents and some of his friends. She was investigated extensively by the police.

 

So not only had she lost someone important to her, she was blamed for his death. She coped with smack and crack. She worked in a bar, was in a band, and sold sex at least once. She has a degree and is high functioning.

 

She hadn't grieved that loss fully in the five years since that period. When I tried to kill myself last year, after a very difficult relationship with her, I could have blamed her. After all, she might be the common denominator.

 

But then again, it was my choice. Just as it was the other guy's choice. The real common denominator is that all three of us was in a complete mess, very unstable, self-medicating and full of hurt that we did not know how to deal with.

 

So what I'm saying is, some people will presume you guilty without knowing the facts - just as my ex's parents did her - and some will accept that blaming either of you is not going to fix the issues at the heart of your respective pain, and it normally takes two to tango anyway.

 

You can't please all of the people all of the time, but you can please yourself all of the time. And so long as you know you did as well as you knew how to at that time, that's the only judge you need to satisfy.

 

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I'm glad I did. You will be too, when you've healed enough and can see what you have gained from this experience.

 

Wow betterdeal, that was very moving. Thank you for that. I love how you said fools rush in where angels fear to tread but you're happy you did because it made you stronger. I'm holding on to those words very tightly.

 

Don't know where id be without you two, betterdeal and tyler. Thanks for taking time from your lives to help a complete stranger. Thank you thank you!

[whatdoido1717]

A little before 1am. Said id check in so here I am. Went to a bar with my friend. Horrible the entire time as I was two blocks from our bar the entire time. Sucked. Felt bad for my buddy but he made me hang out and try and have fun the entire time. We are home now and I just can't wait to go to bed. He doesn't understand how or why this could hurt so much. Just remarks on the bad and as says move on. Oh well he means well. How can you miss the devil? I miss her so much despite everything. Wish I was the one taking her home tonight at 2. Trying not to think about it. ...smoking herb now and then bed. I want this pain to go away.

[betterdeal]

Spend a bit less time trying to make sense of the past and instead spend it on acknowledging the feelings you are having in the present.

 

For instance, you went to a bar, it felt bad. It was close to the bar you two hung out at. So, if you don't want to feel bad (add more hurt on what you're dealing with from the past) you can stop doing things that cause harm, such as saying to your buddy, I don't feel good here. I want to go somewhere else - maybe the hill on the other side of town / a different bar, on the other side of town / his place / the park - you get what I'm saying?

 

You'll get the hang of it.

[tyler123]

Nice job Whatdoido- the key is to put the head on the pillow without going off the deep end. Just to let you know i just had a lapse so i dont want you to think you are alone or i got this down to some perfect science. I went to the movies with a lady friend ( completely platonic)- we went with some married friends- it was nice. well when i got home i acted on my emotions and the stinking thinking took over. my ex sent me some texts this week and left me a message- after reading some posts i am quite convinced she was just trying to relieve her guilt of just going dark on me. Well i texted her a couple of times just saying hi- cause she said she wanted to talk in her messages this week. Well it made me nuts and i was sucked in and once the ball starts its hard to stop . well i stopped it by coming on her and being accountable to my actions. all is good we make mistakes. but no doubt i know that NC is the only way to go and i am in a much better place just staying away and not answering her - i have been doing well just focusing on my healing but when i get caught up in anything that has to do with her i am not healing. so back to healing and i hope this helps cause we are all learning from each other - the stories might not be identical but bad situations are bad situations that have the same answers

[whatdoido1717]

Hey guys, tyler, you weren't the only one who had a bad night. Last night was the absolute worst. Fu***** done with this. The pain is unbelievable. So much hate.

 

I played in a shuffleboard tournament with all my friends but my emotions over took me and I felt like I was going to burst into tears because I missed her so much despite everything. So I took off on a walk and ended up being gone for 2 hours. When I got back they were all gone so had to walk 100 blocks to where they were since my phone was dead.

 

When I got to the next place I was doing a little better. I couldn't resist going to "our bar" and since I remembered it was supercross I knew she wasn't working so we decided to go have one drink there...

 

...we walk up and smoking a cig so we are outside and what do I see. .. she was sitting there drinking (lied about tryin to be sober) with her ex fiance (lied about saying they weren't going to see each other anymore). I wanted to go in so bad, I was filled with rage and hurt. We went back to the other bar and my best friend and I walked outside to have a cig and I broke down. I cried like I've never cried and was kicking chairs and yelling because I couldn't hold the pain in. I just walked home in the middle of him trying to console me.

 

I got home and got in my car and drove a block to buy cigs and I texted her (she didn't see us when we showed up. My buddy had to physically push me away from the door and into the car)...

 

I told her she was evil. I told her she was a manipulative lying bi*** I told her that everything we had was bull****and that I had loved her so much. I told her good luck with her grocery clerk who is stupid enough to ruin his own life for somebody with a personality disorder and that's destined for a life of misery. That they were lucky we didn't come in or I would've kicked his ass. F*** you a few times and mostly how she was evil and how her evil ruined and broke down the highest quality man that will ever come her way. Yeah, that was all one text.

 

At that point my buddy got in my car and we drove the two blocks home.

 

Then my phone started going nuts. She text me first "that's what I thought cu**" ...then the calls came. My buddy took my phone at that point and silenced it so we could talk. We got back inside and I made him let me read the texts and listen to the voicemails before he deleted them. They ranged from "phillip says grow a pair" to "do you want his number to call him" to "enjoy the restraining order baby" to "come outside if you've got something to say." I didn't know until I listened to the voicemails but they showed up at my friend's house and were calling me and telling me to come outside. The voicemails were things from "You are bringing this on your friend's family's house and you won't even come outside" and "you've been a pu*** you're entire life are you going to be a pu*** right now too."

 

I read those messages and listened to those voicemails and went to bed. So here I am now, next morning, and I really don't know what to say about my emotions. I feel kinda blank at the moment. I don't know if I am numb, emotionally tired of it all, in shock from the reality of seeing that and hearing and readin what she said or if I almost just so sick of it that now I can ease my mind and knowing what we never were and to start focusing on myself not some chick who played me hard, stole, cheated, is messed up in thhe head, went to jail, is a drug addict, oh I could go on forever.

 

I still feel some hate at the bottom of my heart. Thoughts of wanting to do something to his car or message her sister's boyfriend and tell him she's cheating on him but I quickly saw how stupid and useless those thoughts are. I believe in karma and I almost feel bad for the dude that is so delusional himself that he wants to ruin his life trying to save somebody like her. After all she did to him, I wasn't the only one she cheated on him with. I fully expect this episode to reignite their flame, but you know what, a year down the line she will do the same thing and he will be back in the same spot. I can almost gaurantee that. But I won't be there. I won't care. I will have gained strength from this bull****. I will use this experience of the most dreadful pain imaginable to me thus far in my life and use the series of mistakes I made to come out this hell stronger and wiser. Its on me to get there now. I let out more pain last night and felt more anguish then I ever have. But I can see clearly this situation is not worth my energy one bit any longer.

Edited April 17, 2011 by whatdoido1717