I Need to Be Honest With You Guys & Myself: Ex-Fiances, Depressed GFs and Drugs

[whatdoido1717]

Hey guys, just checkin in.

 

Day 5 of NC and Day 4 of No Smoking Cigarettes

 

Headin to San Diego in a few hours (bummed I am missing the Blazers game though haha)

 

I really don't want these random thoughts and subsequent emotions to affect my trip. I will do my best to not let them interfere in my good time but sometimes a painful thought hits my head an instantly it sends a churning feeling to my gut. It happens before I even have time to stop or cope with it. I know this is normal. Gonna try and man up and just have fun with my brother and not think that this was supposed to be "our" trip.

[whatdoido1717]

In San Diego with my brother now...

 

...I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept thinking about how this was supposed to be Erin and I's trip... ...then I had nightmares all night.

 

This isn't fair. I just want to have fun but I can't seem to just enjoy it. Why am I even on here?

[Pens55]

Hang in there man. Does your bro know the whole situation? Wondering if talking about it a bit with him might be cathartic. Or, telling him about the situation might let him help you in other ways (i.e. keeping you busy, discussing anything BUT that, etc)

 

He can probably be immensely helpful if you're comfortable opening up to him.

[whatdoido1717]

Nah he doesn't. Don't want to burden him with that

 

At a bar in SD. Its like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the movie, just replace Hawaii with San Diego

 

Ah can't stop thinking bout how excited she was and when she came down stairs to show me her bikini when we were getting closer to our trip. Now I am alone and sh***aced drunk

[betterdeal]

Yeah, psychoactives are probably a bad idea at this time in your life. Stop drinking for at least 2 months.

[whatdoido1717]

Hey guys, hope this finds you all well.

 

betterdeal, I think you are right, I need to stop everything and I am planning on it as soon as I get home. Maybe even today.

 

Anyway, last night was pretty hard. After the Padres game I went out with my brother's wife and some other wives' of Padres front office people. It sucked. I didn't really know anybody there, and although I wasn't really even drinking much I couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

I had to step out because I was having a hard time controlling my emotions and just sitting there...

 

I went outside and was just sitting on a bench, pretty upset and, for what reason I don't know, I pulled out my wallet and started going through it.

 

There is a kind of secret spot in my wallet and when I reached in there was a piece of paper in there so I pulled it out.

 

It was a small cut out from the local newspaper and all it had was the date on it, Thursday, March 10th, 2011 and a short note written above it. It said, "Today is the day you saved me on the hill in [her area code]. Love, Erin." That was the day she got out of jail.

 

I had never seen it. She must have put that in there at some point. I started balling, it hurt really bad.

 

I thought I was making a lot of progress but that note, being down here on "our vacation" alone is killing me. I am hurting and miss her a lot, despite everything.

 

Why I can't I man up and live my life? From an outsider's point of view everything about what we had was wrong. Why can't I see that? Why am I still so wrapped up in somebody that pretty much played me, lied to me, etc. ...God, I am right back to thinking about it all the questions like what did I ever mean to her? yadda yadda. I thought I was getting past this. I hate it.

 

Maybe the Blazers will at least win tonight... (even writing that all I think about is our matching jerseys and the game we went to and then I am right back to thinking about those good memories vs. bad memories and what it all meant and how horribly it all came to an end).

 

Anyway, I am rambling. Have a good day everyone.

[whatdoido1717]

Wow, if I ever needed something to pick me up, I got it! One of the greatest comeback wins in the history of NBA Playoffs by the Trail Blazers, led by my favorite athlete of all time, Brandon Roy!!! Down 23! 18pts in the 4th Quarter by Brandon. Oh, how sweet it is!!!

 

Give it up Tyler! haha

[betterdeal]

Let it out, man, let it out! It's good to have a cry, let the pain out. You're doing well. Get yourself into a martial art or yoga classes. Great for mind and body, and you get to meet a new crowd of people...

[whatdoido1717]

I am boiling over with anger and pain and I want to go home.

 

I am so sick of being here and so sick of my brother and his wife that I am growing angrier by the minute.

 

I thought it would be good to be near family but I am about to explode.

 

They have no idea the intensity of what I am going through.

 

This was supposed to, at first, be my ex and I's trip, then I was hoping it would be a nice repreve formyself from everything. It has done nothing but make me feel worse.

 

I am sick of being belittled by his wife. I was supposed to be on the beach with erin but instead I was forced to weed their fu***** backyard. Instead of sitting with erin at the game I had to sit with my brother's wife and mingle with more strangers that could care less about me. Then they decided to throw a last minute easter party with a bunch of their friends. Awesome. I tried to get an earlier flight but my brother said he wouldn't take me to the airport and I would have to pay $50 for a cab.

 

Now I look like the a**hole for being in a "bad mood" ...F THIS.

 

Nobody in my family has any idea how incredibly painful this is and how much anger and sorrow I have in me. I feel like I have PTSD and they seem to just think "oh she's a bad girl just move on." Meanwhile I am struggling just to act decent. Multiple times this weekend I've had to walk away so I could go cry my eyes out. I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM! THIS ISN'T JUST SOME BREAKUP. MY HEART AND MY SOUL AND MY BELIEF SYSTEM HAVE ALL BEEN SCARRED AND BADLY BROKEN. I WANT TO BE ALONE.

 

I am trying to climb out of the darkest hole of my life and I can't even count on my brother. Now I am crying again. I don't know what to do right now. I am so angry, so hurt, so lost and I can't heal. I can't count on anyone to help so I feel like I should just isolate myself. I'm tired of turning to people that don't understand. The only people I've found that remotely understand are people who have gone through similar situations with exs with PDs. I am done with this. Done talking to people about it. I am going to walk through hell by myself now.

[Pens55]

I hope this doesnt make your mood worse, but I have a suggestion. If you havent told your brother EVERYTHING about how you feel and why you feel this way, please do so.

 

I've been on both ends of this type of situation, and many times I WANT to help the person, but they will not open up to me. So what you see as him being insensitive might be him not knowing what to say because he doesnt have the proper information. I've also projected my anger/sadness on others - its natural because you are so overwhelmed. Just try to remember, these people most likely want to help you and will stand beside you.

 

Sorry if this is a little blunt - I honestly believe in the idea that you need to LET people help you, they cant do it on their own. But its your decision whether you feel comfortable discussing this with your brother.

 

We are here for you though, hang in there

[whatdoido1717]

I hope this doesnt make your mood worse, but I have a suggestion. If you havent told your brother EVERYTHING about how you feel and why you feel this way, please do so.

 

I've been on both ends of this type of situation, and many times I WANT to help the person, but they will not open up to me. So what you see as him being insensitive might be him not knowing what to say because he doesnt have the proper information. I've also projected my anger/sadness on others - its natural because you are so overwhelmed. Just try to remember, these people most likely want to help you and willPens stand beside you.

 

Sorry if this is a little blunt - I honestly believe in the idea that you need to LET people help you, they cant do it on their own. But its your decision whether you feel comfortable discussing this with your brother.

 

We are here for you though, hang in there

 

Pens, hey, nah, you didn't make my mood worse, I appreciate all thoughts, suggestions, etc. You were probably right but now I am at the airport getting ready to head home. If I had felt like there was a comfortable time this weekend I probably would've divuldged everything but I never found that opportunity and he didn't really seem to care to talk about it. I ended up just getting angrier and angrier. Not necessarily with him just about everything.

 

I guess at this point I would rather suffer than burden and worry him with everything I went through. I also don't want him to change his opinion about me because of what I got into. It would shatter him and my mom so I will just suck it up and save those details for this forun, my counselor and a couple close friends.

 

I just feel like I am regressing so much. Maybe it is because I haven't smoke pot since Thursday and all the emotions are really coming out and I can't "hide" from them by smoking. I don't know, I've never felt pain and anger and sorrow like this before. This seems to be a journey I will be walking alone as nobody I am really close with can relate to this. They try and compare it to their breakups with "sane" girlfriends, but it really isn't the same at all.

 

I am worried that these feelings are going to hurt me for a long time and my friends and family aren't going to understand why I can't "get over it"

 

This isn't fair. I made decisions to get myself here and ignored things I shouldn't have. But because I was naive in love doesn't mean I deserve this torture. It really is torture.

 

Okay, boarding. I will check this when I change flights in a while. Appreciate any words of hope. The love is slowly bleeding out of my heart and being replaced with a callous hate filled cement. ...I want to hurt something. Maybe I will get lucky and my plane will crash.

 

Awesome sitting next to a couple and the girl just got a dozen roses. GET ME HOME!

[betterdeal]

Mate, you've been through a seriously traumatic experience, and you're doing extremely well. Giving up pot right now will bring on a surge of emotions as you've reduced a pain killer. Thing is, as rightly see it, emotions need to flow and you're letting them. This is good for you. When you're ready, start considering what sort of life you want to have and work on that.

 

You clearly had weak boundaries before. The great thing that has come out of this relationship is that you know your boundaries much better now. That's what has been the best thing that came out of my last relationship for me. It's affected how I stand and am with everyone, to my benefit. I still have some wobbly feelings for my ex, but then I let them go and it's cool. Have a look for my thread "The Hate" if you want to get an idea of what I've done in the past year.

[whatdoido1717]

Mate, you've been through a seriously traumatic experience, and you're doing extremely well. Giving up pot right now will bring on a surge of emotions as you've reduced a pain killer. Thing is, as rightly see it, emotions need to flow and you're letting them. This is good for you. When you're ready, start considering what sort of life you want to have and work on that.

 

You clearly had weak boundaries before. The great thing that has come out of this relationship is that you know your boundaries much better now. That's what has been the best thing that came out of my last relationship for me. It's affected how I stand and am with everyone, to my benefit. I still have some wobbly feelings for my ex, but then I let them go and it's cool. Have a look for my thread "The Hate" if you want to get an idea of what I've done in the past year.

 

betterdeal, I really appreciate you and how you have been here throughout. Even if it is only a few minutes out of your day, it is making a remarkably big impact on mine. Raising a glass of water (no booze ) in your honor right now.

 

I am making a list of goals for this week:

 

- Maintain No Contact

 

a) Do not call, text, e-mail her. Do not accept or return calls, texts, e-mails from her.

b) Do not look at pictures or videos of her/us

c) Do not look her up on Facebook

d) Do not look up her Ex-Fiance on Facebook

e) Do not look up her sisters on Facebook

 

- Workout Everyday this Week.

 

- Begin Eating Healthy

 

a) No Fast Food

b) No Soda

 

- Practice Piano for at least 30 minutes Every Day.

 

- Continue Counseling.

 

- Continue/Finish The Power of Now.

 

- Look into Yoga/Meditation locally.

 

- Be Sober.

 

- Zach, if you find yourself struggling with not drinking and/or smoking YOU WILL GO TO AN A.A. MEETING (and if you go, you will at least go to three, per tyler's advice).

 

- DO NOT BUY ANYMORE MARIJUANA! Do not smoke with others. Do not smoke alone!

 

- Play Basketball at least once this week.

 

- Purchase Pre-Sale tickets Monday for Blazers Home Game on Thursday. Go to the game and have a blast!

 

- Limit LoveShack.org time to ONE HOUR/day.

 

- DO NOT, THIS IS IMPORTANT, READ ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!

 

- Read This Post Every Morning.

 

- Contact an old friend that I have been out of touch with.

 

- Do something nice for somebody.

 

- Hold Yourself Accountable by Updating Everyone on Your Goals Here on Friday and Sunday.

 

 

---

FINDING THE LIFE UNDERNEATH YOUR LIFE SITUATION

 

Q: I don't see how I can be free now. As it happens, I am extremely unhappy with my life at the moment. This is a fact, and I would be deluding myself if I tried to convince myself that all is well when it definitely isn't. To me, the present moment is very unhappy; it is not liberating at all. What keeps me going is the hope or possibility of some improvement in the future.

 

A: You think that your attention is in the present moment when it's actually taken up completely by time. You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now.

 

What you refer to as 'life' should more accurately be called your 'life situation.' It is psychological time: past and future. Certain things in the past didn't go the way you wanted them to go. You are still resisting what happened in the past, and now you are resisting what is. Hope is what keeps you going, but hope keeps you focused on the future, and this continued focus perpetuates your denial of the Now and therefore your unhappiness....

 

...What you perceive as future is an intrinsic part of your state of consciousness now. If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The pas perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future - which, of course, can only be experienced as the Now.

 

The Power of Now

---

 

~ Zach, be strong, stay present and "rise from the ashes.". ~

[whatdoido1717]

 

- purchase pre-sale tickets monday for blazers home game on thursday

 

Got em! Boom!

[betterdeal]

He shoots ... he scores!

[whatdoido1717]

I am doing a great job today of staying in the moment and not allowing my thoughts to wonder. The only exception and difficulty I am having are those sexual thoughts. They seem to be more powerful than anything right now and the hardest to stop from filling my head and effecting my emotions.

 

Which brings me to my question.

 

I have found the technique of trying to stay in the present moment to avoid letting the pain of the past and the fear of the future dictate my emotional state to be very helpful. However, I guess my question is this then...

 

...we have talked a lot about how it is important to "feel" these emotions and "let them out." That being said, is my attempt to stay in the present moment and not dwell on things or let thoughts dictate my emotions actually hurting my moving on? I guess, is this only a form of pushing these pains away, perhaps deeper in me? I do feel almost at peace when I can stop myself from over-thinking or letting my thoughts control my emotional state, but do I need to feel these things or is what I am doing just as healthy?

 

(Okay, that is about 15 minutes of my hourly daily quota)

[whatdoido1717]

Which brings me to my question.

 

I have found the technique of trying to stay in the present moment to avoid letting the pain of the past and the fear of the future dictate my emotional state to be very helpful. However, I guess my question is this then...

 

...we have talked a lot about how it is important to "feel" these emotions and "let them out." That being said, is my attempt to stay in the present moment and not dwell on things or let thoughts dictate my emotions actually hurting my moving on? I guess, is this only a form of pushing these pains away, perhaps deeper in me? I do feel almost at peace when I can stop myself from over-thinking or letting my thoughts control my emotional state, but do I need to feel these things or is what I am doing just as healthy?

 

Okay, I am back. I was finishing up my lunch break and read only two more pages in my book and the exact question I just asked was posed. Here is the answer given, just in case anybody else is interested. Still interested in some of your thoughts as well.

 

FREEDOM FROM UNHAPPINESS

 

Do you resent doing what you are doing? It may be your job, or you may have agreed to do something and are doing it, but part of you resents and resists it. Are you carrying unspoken resentment toward a person close to you? Do you realize that the energy you thus emanate is so harmful in its effects that you are in face contaminating yourself as well as those around you? Have a good look inside. Is there even the slightest trace of resentment, unwillingness? If there is, observe it on both the mental and emotional levels. What thoughts is your mind creating around this situation? Then look at the emotion, which is the body's reaction to those thoughts. Feel the emotion. Does it feel pleasant or unpleasant? Is it an energy that you would actually choose to have inside you? Do you have a choice?

 

Maybe you are being taken advantage of, maybe the activity you are engaged in is tedious, maybe someone close to you is dishonest, irritating, or unconscious, but all this is irrelevant. Whether your thoughts and emotions about this situation are justified or not makes no difference. The fact is that you are resisting what is. You are making the present moment into an enemy. You are creating unhappiness, conflict between the inner and the outer. Your unhappiness is polluting not only your own inner being and those around you but also the collective human psyche of which you are inseparable part.

 

Either stop doing what you are doing, speak to the person concerned and express fully what you feel, or drop the negativity that your mind has created around the situation and that serves no purpose whatsoever except to strengthen a false sense of self. Recognizing its futility is important. Negativity is never the optumum way of dealing with any situation. In fact, in most cases it keeps you stuck in it, blocking real change. Anything that is done with negative energy will become contaminated by it and in time give rise to more pain, more unhappiness. Furthermore, any negative inner state is contagious: Unhappiness spreads more easily than a physical disease.

 

How can we drop negativity, as you suggest?

 

By dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it.

 

Deep unconsciousness, such as the pain-body, or other deep pain, such as the loss of a loved one, usually needs to be transmuted through acceptance combined with the light of your presence - your sustained attention. Many patterns in ordinary unconsciousness, on the other hand, can simply be dropped once you know that you don't want them and don't need them anymore, once you realize that you have a choice, that you are not just a bundle of conditioned reflexes. All this implies that you are able to access the power of Now. Without it, you have no choice.

 

But if you call some emotions negative, aren't you really saying that they shouldn't be there, that it it's not okay to have those emotions? My understanding is that we should give ourselves permission to have whatever feelings come up, rather than judge them as bad or say that we shouldn't have them. It's okay to feel resentful; it's okay to be angry, irritated, moody, or whatever - otherwise; we get into repression, inner conflict, or denial. Everything is okay as it is.

 

Of course. Once a mind pattern, an emotion, or a reaction is there, accept it. You were not conscious enough to have a choice in the matter. That's not judgement, just a fact. If you had a choice, or realized that you do have a choice, would you choose suffering or joy, ease or unease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of well-being, the joy of life within? Any such feeling I call negative, which simply means bad. Not in the sense that "You shouldn't have done that," but just plain factual bad, like feeling sick in the stomach.

 

...Coming back specifically to what you said - it is certainly true that when you accept your resentment, moodiness, anger, and so on, you are no longer forced to act them out blindly, and you are less likely to project them onto others. But I wonder if you are not deceiving yourself. When you have been practicing acceptance for a while, as you have, there comes a point when you need to go on to the next stage, where those negative emotions are not created anymore. If you don't, your "acceptance" just becomes a mental label that allows your ego to continue to indulge in unhappiness and so strengthen its sense of separation from other people, your surroundings, your here and now. As you know, separation is the basis for the ego's sense of identity. True acceptance would transmute those feelings at once. And if you really knew deeply that everything is "okay," as you put it, and which of course is true, then would you have those negative feelings in the first place? Without judgement, without resistance to what is, the would not arise. You have an idea in your mind that "everything is okay," but deep down you don't really believe it, and so the old mental-emotional patterns of resistance are still in place. That's what makes you feel bad.

 

That's okay, too.

 

Are you defending your right to be unconscious, your right to suffer? Don't worry. Nobody is going to take that away from you. Once you realize that a certain kind of food makes you sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep asserting that it is okay to be sick?

[whatdoido1717]

It's like having something stuck in your teeth that you cannot get out. It is interesting to watch my thoughts circle from anger, to desire, to guilt, to sorrow, but be able to almost step outside of myself and see and catch these thoughts before they can have to big of an impact on my emotions. That piece of food that is stuck in my teeth won't go away but I am dealing with it better.

 

Just got home from the gym. Reconnected with an old friend there who is also a Personal Trainer (as I used to be) and we came up with a great game plan and he is going to be there to hold me accountable through this health and fitness journey.

 

I know I can do this and I am excited. In 2005 I lost over 100 lbs so I know the impact it can have on my life and I am ready.

 

It was a little hard to be at the gym because during my relationship I came to despise working out because she did. And because she always said she liked "a bigger guy." The entire time I, subconsciously, DIDN'T LIKE BEING THAT WAY because I knew I could be better but I gave up on it for her. She lulled me into such a false sense of comfort that I lost all desire to stay physically and subsequently mentally fit. So going to the gym today my brain/ego, whatever you want to call it, was trying to tell myself that I was betraying her, weird.

 

Another friend of mine, ironically also a Personal Trainer, said something I really liked today...

 

‎"The chief cause of unhappiness & failure is trading what you want most for what you want at the moment."

[betterdeal]

A surgical scalpel is a very beneficial thing used correctly, and a very devastating thing used incorrectly. Feelings, thoughts, actions are just the same. Every time I go for a smoke break at work, I start thinking about things to say to my ex if I meet her again. I've associated that break with her.

 

As it happens, I have decided to leave my job and start afresh, and probably move to a new town. In these circumstances, I don't mind the smoke break internal back-chat because I might meet her sometime and reinforcing the things I disliked about her is okay, and I'll not be having them soon anyway. I am literally leaving the past behind.

 

I observe myself doing this. There's the internal voice chattering away and it's partially connected to the residual feelings from that relationship. The longer I do this, the less impact it has on me. I am letting the feelings and thoughts go in a safe way. More and more often, I give up thinking and feeling that way half way through it all. Letting the steam off (over a 3 month period now) I feel less pressured and safer, more confident, more at ease, more me. Letting the odd brain fart out in a well ventilated area is fine by me.

 

I don't feel guilty any more. Or mournful. Or depressed. I don't even feel much fear, more like the fear of meeting a crabby old aunt than anything else. It gets tedious. And I just let it go. I don't fuel it, nor do I suppress it.

 

You'll get there. You just have a lot of feelings and trauma to let out. But now you're in a safe, stable place you can take your time doing so, at your own pace, when you're ready.

 

There's no rush.

[tyler123]

WOW- i just caught up on the last 5 days of being Busy with life. Whatdoido it looks like you are feeling the pain and getting a good understanding of WHAT WORKS vs What doesn't - Betterdeal has been DEAD ON with his suggestions. I have gone to the gym EVERYDAY, helped some friends out that are dealing with their struggles, gone out with friends and i FEEL GREAT not perfect cause i still drift to some of the things you mention- but far less and in between. I have been praying for acceptance and focusing on what i can bring to Life rather than what life seems to be dealing me- and the paradox is life treats me better when i focus on being SELF LOVING- No self love can come from unhealthy obssessions for traumatic relationships, bad food , drugs and booze. I wish you would try the AA meetings as i and betterdeal suggested - I think you will feel less alone and gain more hope by listening to others pain and how they are REBORN with a new meaning of participating in LIFE and having improved relationships etc... SOrry about the blazers last night.

 

I have a crazy night ahead BULLS at 7pm and Blackhawks game 7 at 9pm.. I did not realize they both would play tonight so i had plans with a friend who can care less about sports- BEING ACCOUNTABLE AND SELFLESS BRINGS SELF LOVE- i will tape the games stick to my plan and go to a AA meeting as much as I don't - By elementing the word "I" i live a happier more meaning full life.. I see more clear and do not look at everything as LIFE OR DEATH- my losses seem to be more so GAINS if i can stay on this healthy track today.. Whatdoido = we can do this man one day at time- re-read betterdeals post about GOALS a couple of days ago.. I will print that out and save it for a good reminder of WHAT WORKS- i have a short memory

[whatdoido1717]

As it happens, I have decided to leave my job and start afresh, and probably move to a new town.

 

That is exciting man. I hope you are excited about it, you can do whatever you want!

 

You'll get there. You just have a lot of feelings and trauma to let out. But now you're in a safe, stable place you can take your time doing so, at your own pace, when you're ready.

 

There's no rush.

 

I hear ya. This morning has been rough, I am not doing well blocking out thoughts and questions like I was yesterday. Every day is different. I want to flush out these thoughts real quick, so I am going to type what has been bothering me out right here:

 

- The fact that I will never see her or talk to her again.

 

- The fact that the last thing I said to her was "F*** Y**" and the last time I heard her voice and the last thing she said to me was, "You've been a p***** your entire life, are you going to keep being a ***** right now?"

 

- Guilt for calling her "EVIL" and referencing her "PD"

 

- Sorrow for believing, but never knowing, that I meant nothing and was just a tool/toy in her sick life.

 

- Confusion as to why I miss somebody that did me so wrong.

 

- Missing the good moments: Concerts, Games, when she actually slept facing me and we held each other face to face.

 

- Feelings of failure and shame for not being able to be a bright spot in her dismal life but making it worse than before by the time I left...

 

-...Bounces to almost a relief that I told her what I did in that message so at least she knows the pain she caused me.

 

- Just her constant presence somewhere in my head and knowing I've been painted black in her's and that I am the only one in pain over this (she may be in pain, but it most likely doesn't have to do with me but her own self).

 

- Feelings of being used up, manipulated and broken down.

 

- Focusing on the things I am doing and trying to do them FOR MYSELF and not letting them be a tool or a reason to "showing her look how much better I am" in the future. There is no future.

 

I guess it is just a sorrowful negative nostalgic day. I don't like it. Driving around listening to the radio doesn't help. I wish music could be a positive but I am, as in a song I heard today actually, "so sick of love songs."

 

---

 

She lies and says she's in love with him

Can't find a better man

She dreams in color, she dreams in red

Can't find a better man, can't find a better man

 

---

[whatdoido1717]

WOW- i just caught up on the last 5 days of being Busy with life. Whatdoido it looks like you are feeling the pain and getting a good understanding of WHAT WORKS vs What doesn't - Betterdeal has been DEAD ON with his suggestions. I have gone to the gym EVERYDAY, helped some friends out that are dealing with their struggles, gone out with friends and i FEEL GREAT not perfect cause i still drift to some of the things you mention- but far less and in between. I have been praying for acceptance and focusing on what i can bring to Life rather than what life seems to be dealing me- and the paradox is life treats me better when i focus on being SELF LOVING- No self love can come from unhealthy obssessions for traumatic relationships, bad food , drugs and booze. I wish you would try the AA meetings as i and betterdeal suggested - I think you will feel less alone and gain more hope by listening to others pain and how they are REBORN with a new meaning of participating in LIFE and having improved relationships etc... SOrry about the blazers last night.

 

I have a crazy night ahead BULLS at 7pm and Blackhawks game 7 at 9pm.. I did not realize they both would play tonight so i had plans with a friend who can care less about sports- BEING ACCOUNTABLE AND SELFLESS BRINGS SELF LOVE- i will tape the games stick to my plan and go to a AA meeting as much as I don't - By elementing the word "I" i live a happier more meaning full life.. I see more clear and do not look at everything as LIFE OR DEATH- my losses seem to be more so GAINS if i can stay on this healthy track today.. Whatdoido = we can do this man one day at time- re-read betterdeals post about GOALS a couple of days ago.. I will print that out and save it for a good reminder of WHAT WORKS- i have a short memory

 

Good to hear from you man. I was hoping for a an all Black and Red NBA Finals for us but it is gonna be tough for the Blazers to hold up there end of that now. I am going to Game Six Thursday and I will bring the ruckus.

 

I don't know what is holding me back from going to the A.A. meeting. My friend took me to one in LA when he was going through something vaguely similar and I actually did find it helpful (and I sat next to Jude Law, haha). Either way, thanks for coming in a checkin in. Glad to hear you are doing better.

[whatdoido1717]

I wish you would try the AA meetings

 

Oh what the hell, I am going.

 

15 minute walk from my house. Tonight at 7:00pm. I will report back.

[tyler123]

SWEET i am sure like me your thinking will get in the way of going- but i love how i feel when i stick to a commitment- i have hope you will be very proud of yourself by going instead of giving into the bad thinking of " nah not tonight, or i am tired, or i want to watch the bulls game" those are all the things i will deal with over the next 3 hours before I get picked up to go to my meeting.. love it

 

looking forward to your next note AFTER THE MEETING;)

[betterdeal]

I'm really looking forward to being self-employed and working for myself!

 

S'funny, the weather has changed here from blazing sun to cold northern winds in the past couple of days and my sleep pattern has changed in line with that. Never underestimate the effect of the present on your mood.

 

As you let go of the past, you'll stop associating present-day pain with her. It just takes time.