He left

[26pointblue]

MM left home last night. This isn't his first time leaving but I really think it's going to be the last. I think his wife is done too and I also did not back out/ run away at the last minute due to guilt and fear like I have done in the past. Things feel very different than the last time. I am not posting this to brag, I've been having so many mixed emotions and it's been a crazy week or so leading up to this. Overall I am happy he made a decision and that we can try to be together for real. I also have a lot of guilt but I am dealing with it because I love him and I am owning my actions. I have some fear of it not working out and getting hurt but I am not letting the fear get the best of me.

 

He isn't here as he's meeting with his parents and siblings tonight and telling them. He has an with his divorce lawyer this afternoon but that's about all I know about that because I was at work all day. He has met with and spoken to this lawyer a couple times in the past so now I guess I will see if he actually files (or maybe his wife will file or has filed). I've posted on here before that recently is the first time in the history of our relationship that I am really believing in us and so I am just going to keep doing that and the proof will be in the pudding I suppose. This is hard but I love like crazy. I had told him not to leave/get separated again unless it was for good and heading towards divorce with actions not talk because last time was so hard. He says he is sure he is getting divorced. So we'll see. I know that he loves me.

 

Thanks for listening/reading. I'm writing this on my mobile so I'm sorry for any typos or run-ons.

[BB07]

Wow 26blue.....sounds like you've got a winding road ahead of you but it does sound like you are pretty clear on the issues that are in front of you.

 

I hope for your and his wife's sake that he doesn't do the back and forth dance. If I were you....I'd make it clear that if he does, you are outta there. I know it will be almost impossible but try to keep as much distance as you can from his and her issues for your own sanity.

[26pointblue]

Thank you, BB07. I think his wife is done with him.

 

I think he didn't want to be married to her but he didn't want to hurt her. He wanted to be with me but he's been afraid of change. He's realizing that he hurt her by dragging it out instead of being more decisive. And his kids.

 

It is hard to watch him go through the pain. Definitely not 'fun' like the fun parts of an affair but I'm ready to either really be with him or be done with it for good- he knows that and has for awhile now.

 

I am trying to focus on my needs too but it's hard when I love him and he is reeling. It feels a little all-consuming, through my own fault, not his. He just stopped by on his way to a neighboring city to tell his parents. He already told his kids which is really what was hurting him so much. I know it's hard but I feel like he is being much more straight-forward about it then before with the back-and-forth, mixed messages to everyone and deception.

[Jane Deaux]

It is hard. I am currently doing that with my husband right now. I am scared. I don't want to hurt him. I tell him I want to work on it and for his sake I do. I am trying right now.

 

I am happy for you that there is finally maybe an end in sight. Either he really leaves or if he pulls back, do you think that would be the last straw for you?

I know that is a hard question to answer. You probably don't really know until you are crossing that bridge.

 

Well, good luck either way 26PB. I know its been a hard road. But maybe the best times are ahead! Well, after the next few months of the possibly the worst.

[26pointblue]

It is hard. I am currently doing that with my husband right now. I am scared. I don't want to hurt him. I tell him I want to work on it and for his sake I do. I am trying right now.

 

I am happy for you that there is finally maybe an end in sight. Either he really leaves or if he pulls back, do you think that would be the last straw for you?

I know that is a hard question to answer. You probably don't really know until you are crossing that bridge.

 

Well, good luck either way 26PB. I know its been a hard road. But maybe the best times are ahead! Well, after the next few months of the possibly the worst.

 

Thank you, Jane. Yes, it would be the last straw for sure. I am all in and I need him to be all in or I have to walk away. I do understand his struggle and pain. I agree that the next few months at least will be very very hard. I appreciate your support! :-) Good luck to you too and my only word of advise is to do what YOU want if you are not capable of being happy with your husband. [Not saying that's your case- not sure.]

[carrie999]

Thank you, Jane. Yes, it would be the last straw for sure. I am all in and I need him to be all in or I have to walk away. I do understand his struggle and pain. I agree that the next few months at least will be very very hard. I appreciate your support! :-) Good luck to you too and my only word of advise is to do what YOU want if you are not capable of being happy with your husband. [Not saying that's your case- not sure.]

 

I'm really happy for you, 26pb. This must be both exciting and really hard for you, and certainly extremely hard for him. I think the key is that he recognizes he is leaving his M because he's not happy with his W, and that he's keeping it separate (to whatever extent possible) from wanting to be with you and "choosing" between you. I'm sure the next few months or even years will take some emotional toll on you both, and I hope you keep coming here for support.

 

JD, I've never been married, but breakups are always devastating, and very hard for me to initiate, so I can empathize. My situation in no way compares to yours, but I'm struggling with ending it with my fiance. Every step of commitment makes it that much harder to break up. Postponing the wedding was a hard enough step to take because I realized for the first time just how much both families (no kids between us, just our own families) are invested in us as a couple. My uncle pulled me aside and urged me to consider only US, not anyone else, because I think he sensed my struggle and that we were postponing for bigger reasons than we let on. And taking his words to heart helped, but made me focus on the much more difficult problem: how much this will hurt him despite the fact that it's clear to him that it's ending.

 

I'm in no position to give advice to you. You're actually married, and I'm faltering at ending my engagement to a lovely man that just isn't right for me. I completely understand why you're working on it for his benefit. And I admire that, because truthfully, I'm just maintaining status quo for now so that he can get through a difficult time in his life and we can end it when he's ready to stand on his own. I've been (maybe appropriately) admonished for admitting that here, but I don't know what else to do, since I know that regardless of what I do, my heart is not in it. All I can say is that if you don't really want to make the marriage work, there is only so much you can do to minimize his pain.

 

(((((Hugs))))) to you both.

[bentnotbroken]

Glad the wife finally wised up.

[greengoddess]

What precipitated the leaving? Was there another dday?

 

I'd be worried if it was another dday and he went to his family and not to you. That would signify to me his wife throwing him out and him acting like the good boy who is done with you and staying with family.

 

If this is real this time then he should happily say he is with you.

Good luck. Real life is about to shine on this affair.

[donnamaybe]

OP, I hope all works out for you, and I hope you don't come to realize your MM is a different man than he has been portraying himself to be as this sometimes happens in these circumstances.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, BB07. I think his wife is done with him.

 

I think he didn't want to be married to her but he didn't want to hurt her. He wanted to be with me but he's been afraid of change. He's realizing that he hurt her by dragging it out instead of being more decisive. And his kids.

 

It is hard to watch him go through the pain. Definitely not 'fun' like the fun parts of an affair but I'm ready to either really be with him or be done with it for good- he knows that and has for awhile now.

 

I am trying to focus on my needs too but it's hard when I love him and he is reeling. It feels a little all-consuming, through my own fault, not his. He just stopped by on his way to a neighboring city to tell his parents. He already told his kids which is really what was hurting him so much. I know it's hard but I feel like he is being much more straight-forward about it then before with the back-and-forth, mixed messages to everyone and deception.

If he really is divorcing, then just give him the time and space he needs. Don't expect a "life" with him IMMEDIATELY. You both need to get out of the affair dynamic, start over fresh. Date casually, take things slowly. DOn't move in together. He still needs to grieve the end of his marriage, the life he once shared with his wife. There are ALOT of changes going on, emotions, people to deal with, like his inlaws, mutual friends, extended family, his family and ofcourse children if there are any. Have NO expectations and focus on you and your life. He needs to deal with things in his own way and right now he can't 'give' you what you want in the sense of a relationship until the timing is better and the timing is right.

 

Until the D papers are signed and it's a done deal, don't put all your eggs in his basket. You can "think" his wife feels this and that, but you don't know for sure.

[TigerCub]

Hey 26Point,

 

I'm happy for you.

I'm glad that he's finally making a decision, but as you said - it will all be in his actions. I hope that all the A drama finally ends and you guys can be together for real now.

 

Best of luck

[26pointblue]

If he really is divorcing, then just give him the time and space he needs. Don't expect a "life" with him IMMEDIATELY. You both need to get out of the affair dynamic, start over fresh. Date casually, take things slowly. DOn't move in together. He still needs to grieve the end of his marriage, the life he once shared with his wife. There are ALOT of changes going on, emotions, people to deal with, like his inlaws, mutual friends, extended family, his family and ofcourse children if there are any. Have NO expectations and focus on you and your life. He needs to deal with things in his own way and right now he can't 'give' you what you want in the sense of a relationship until the timing is better and the timing is right.

 

Until the D papers are signed and it's a done deal, don't put all your eggs in his basket. You can "think" his wife feels this and that, but you don't know for sure.

 

I agree with this & have been trying to follow it as part of my own advice to myself before I read it. I know it isn't over until it's over. I know I have to focus on myself.

 

I also know he has to do much of this on his own & I don't want to be consumed by it. I do not want him to come live with me, he couldn't anyway because of the kids - he needs a place to bring them over without me being present.

 

I also don't want to rub his wife's face in it, or further help mess up the relationship between him & his kids, & quite frankly I don't want there to be drama about us. I want to step back & let him figure his stuff out while still believing in a future for us.

 

To answer GreenGoddess, yes there was another D-Day. My above post to WhichWay addresses some of the other things in your post.

 

This is really hard, harder than the affair, & I knew it would be.

[26pointblue]

OP, I hope all works out for you, and I hope you don't come to realize your MM is a different man than he has been portraying himself to be as this sometimes happens in these circumstances.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

Thanks. He has definitely not portrayed himself to me as a saint, far from it. I feel like I know his weaknesses as well as his strengths. It's strange, I see his flaws & love him despite & sometimes because of them. I feel like no one has known me better & I've never known anyone better. I do understand the dynamics will change & I'll come to see different sides of him.

[26pointblue]

Hey 26Point,

 

I'm happy for you.

I'm glad that he's finally making a decision, but as you said - it will all be in his actions. I hope that all the A drama finally ends and you guys can be together for real now.

 

Best of luck

 

Thank you so much TigerCub.

[greengoddess]

The dday worries me because he didn't really leave on his own then. His wife had enough.

 

Protect your heart. He may be begging her for back in while telling you he would never go back.

[TurboGirl]

The dday worries me because he didn't really leave on his own then. His wife had enough.

 

Protect your heart. He may be begging her for back in while telling you he would never go back.

 

Have to agree with GG on this one. These MM can lie like nobody's business because they want what they want.

 

Please try & protect yourself, protect your heart! The proof will be in the actions. You will know how he behaves - you mentioned that he is reeling.. Hmmmm that gives me pause for concern. Reeling because of the wife kicking him out (did he really leave on his own volition? -- or reeling because of all the life changes that are happening?) Time will answer everything for you and I urge you to try & keep a bit of distance here and protect your heart. I sincerely hope that he is not moving in with you, and that he gets his own place until all of the divorce upset has passed. That way you can get a true sense of what your future holds.

[26pointblue]

The dday worries me because he didn't really leave on his own then. His wife had enough.

 

Protect your heart. He may be begging her for back in while telling you he would never go back.

 

 

This does concern me.

 

We have a tumultuous history but this last go-around has been really good & felt different. He said he could tell I was trusting in us & that I would be there for him in the end. He's right about that b/c before I always had fear of getting hurt, guilt, & all these other reasons to pull away & end things. Finally I was just letting myself love him & not hold back.

 

Yet of course I couldn't do that forever. The problem is he wanted all of me- would get upset if I dated, would want to be the center of my life, which he was, but I clearly wasn't the center of his life & I was sharing him. I had been telling him that I know he loves me but I need him to make a decision & act on it. Meanwhile his wife, who knows about us but didn't know everything about recently until the other night, was telling him the same thing, & it was frustrating.

 

Right before everything went down he told me he can't live without me & he doesn't want us to just be an affair & share each other. He said he was going to take action for real [i had told him not to move out again unless he was going to get divorced for sure, because last time the limbo was much too hard, & I ended up leaving him]. I could tell that he meant it. Then she essentially kicked him out I guess.

 

So I still don't have what I told him I needed. I need him to make a decision & stick to it. I told him if he chose his marriage I understand & I will never contact him again or respond to his attempts [in the past he has always been the one to contact me & I've always broken things off when they've gotten too hard]. I'm at the point- & I told him this- where I feel I have given this my all, I love him & want to be with him but if he cannot do that then I want him to be happy & I want him to focus on what he wants-his marriage-& for the pain & drama to be over & for me to move on knowing I have closure & it's in the past. I am ready to either really be with him or be done w/ him for good, & he knows this.

 

Well now, as you wisely say, she has kicked him out but he still hasn't chosen me completely. I know it's early & he feels overwhelmed but I need to feel that he is there for me like I am there for him, & I don't. :-( That is the hardest part. I want to be there for him & support him & I also understand/tell myself what WhichWay says, that I need to give him space & let him deal with this on his own. But if he is still fighting for his marriage then I should not be in the picture, for my sake or hers. I have helped him hurt her a lot & it makes me feel pain. I don't want to continue doing it unless it is clear that it's because we are ending up together. By that I mean I don't want to keep sneaking around & him lying to her saying he wants to get back together but being with me & saying he wants me, because that hurts her & me & what is the point of that? It will just go around & around & around like that forever, unless she is really done with him, & I dont' really want to leave my fate up in the air like that. I need him to choose me or let me go. That is what I've been telling him but I suppose he still isn't ready to do that. or maybe it is just early & he is reeling. But I can tell he is unsure. He wants me but he wants his marriage. Just like it's always been I guess. :-(

 

Thank you for talking to me, it really helps, I'm in a yucky spot. I am closer to being with him but I still don't have what I want which is his unwavering decision to be with me, hence get divorced, on his own accord & not because of what she's doing or not doing. I don't know what to do, so right now I'm just trying to focus on myself- work, my pets & hobbies & friends, & not worry about what he's doing so much. It's hard though since I love him & he is feeling so down.

[donnamaybe]

But if he is still fighting for his marriage then I should not be in the picture, for my sake or hers. I have helped him hurt her a lot & it makes me feel pain. I don't want to continue doing it unless it is clear that it's because we are ending up together. By that I mean I don't want to keep sneaking around & him lying to her saying he wants to get back together but being with me & saying he wants me, because that hurts her & me & what is the point of that? It will just go around & around & around like that forever, unless she is really done with him, & I dont' really want to leave my fate up in the air like that. I need him to choose me or let me go.

Good girl!

 

And I say this not only because you have a conscience (but I DO like that - a LOT!) but mainly because you have enough of a sense of self worth to not allow yourself to get jerked around.

[26pointblue]

Have to agree with GG on this one. These MM can lie like nobody's business because they want what they want.

 

Please try & protect yourself, protect your heart! The proof will be in the actions. You will know how he behaves - you mentioned that he is reeling.. Hmmmm that gives me pause for concern. Reeling because of the wife kicking him out (did he really leave on his own volition? -- or reeling because of all the life changes that are happening?) Time will answer everything for you and I urge you to try & keep a bit of distance here and protect your heart. I sincerely hope that he is not moving in with you, and that he gets his own place until all of the divorce upset has passed. That way you can get a true sense of what your future holds.

 

Turbo- He says she made him pick & he came to me. It all happened in such a crazy way. She made a surprise appearance when we were both out together. He left with her but came back to where I was [& his friends were- we were out w/ them] & said she made him pick & he knew if he went home w/ her that he & I would be done forever. Which he is very right about. He stayed w/ me & was reeling with emotions, as in, realizing the extent of the harm he'd caused & wishing he had done things a different way, feeling sorry about hurting her & the kids, but that night I didn't sense that he wanted to stay married. He asked me if I'm ready to handle this & if I can go through this w/ him & said he wanted it to happen but not in this way.

 

The next day, yesterday, is when I started to have concern about what's really up, because he told me he told his kids that Mom is making him move out, obviously different than what he told me. He said that when he went back to the house the next day to get his stuff, it was locked & she wouldn't let him in & then said he had 20 minutes to get all his stuff & get out. So I suppose she technically told him to leave but it's because he came back to where I was & stayed with me. At least that's what he says but I am starting to question everything. Maybe she never would have let him in the night before either. Even that, I wouldn't care about ... yeah he gets kicked out because we're together, that is both of our faults, we both caused it, & I'm not going to leave him just because he got kicked out for being with me. But it's whether he's still trying to get back with her that would be it for me. If he is then I cannot do it... why go through all of this if I am just his maybe-plan or back-up plan? I need to be his everything & if not then I need to leave, which sucks b/c he's going through all of this because of me & I don't want to just abandon him now! But if he hasn't clearly chosen me then what's the point?

[26pointblue]

Good girl!

 

And I say this not only because you have a conscience (but I DO like that - a LOT!) but mainly because you have enough of a sense of self worth to not allow yourself to get jerked around.

 

Thanks. I really believe that he wants to be with me. But it is scary & hard to leave his marriage. So I am trying to decide my own boundaries. I feel it is fair to tell him I need him to show me that he has chosen me, or I cannot continue to see him until he has decided that on his own. I don't mean live with me or wear a t-shirt that says it, ha ha, but I mean he needs to file for divorce if she doesn't.

 

Everything's complicated because I don't want to rub it into her [yeah, she knows we've been together for the last year so I assume she'll know we're together now, but still], I don't want to make his kids hate him more or to have them be uncomfortable so I know he will need to spend time with them & not me, I don't want to complicate his divorce proceedings [his lawyer told him not to live with me or broadcast the fact we are seeing each other, because even though we live in a no-fault state the judge will still look down on him for that]... I know it's not going to be a 'normal' relationship for quite awhile & I don't expect it to be, but I need to know that he is not keeping me a secret & still trying to get back with her. I don't know how I would know that, how I would verify. I just want to be his choice & not his option. Another problem is that he is going through so much right now that I don't want to be another burden & be all suspicious/paranoid - I want to support him & believe him but I am not sure what to believe. Maybe I just need to give it a little time to see what the circumstances really are.

[donnamaybe]

I can tell you love this man, but you also want to mitigate any hurt his ex may feel. There's not much else you can do. But yes - you MUST protect yourself. You do deserve to be shown you were chosen, and not by default but by design. I wouldn't be able to feel good in your circumstance otherwise. I totally get that.

[Jane Deaux]

I just wonder how you will know if he "chooses" you. What will be the big thing that says, Yes, I pick you, because I want you, not because I have no other choice? How will you know that he doesn't even want that choice, that he does truly just want you? It's going to be hard. And giving up a marriage is confusing enough without an A. You(general) are losing a friend. Someone you care for deeply. The love you have for them, although ackbasswards, is usually the reason you stayed in the first place. And now that you are leaving, you are losing them, and that in and of itself is hard. And then you have the children and visits to figure out. So I'm sure he will be reeling for awhile even though he does love you. But how do you know how much of it is from all the issues, and if any of it is because he may want her back? Just keep coming here and posting and time will tell. And you can read what you are writing as time goes on and read back threads and see more clearly maybe.

 

Also, he may be confused sometimes and think he wants her back. He did before though, so maybe this time around he will remember some of those feelings and see them for what they are. Missing her is not the same as wanting to be with her. You miss a person and the life you had doesn't mean you want to be lovers with them. It's only natural to miss good times you had with someone.

Edited April 6, 2011 by Jane Deaux

[Bionic Me]

I really hope this MM is not playing games, for your own sake. Seems like his W is in a better "shot calling" position than you are at this point. If you don't see it developing into anything with a future don't waste your time.

 

It's unreal how many people get caught up in matters of the heart and end up damaged.

 

Be well.

[whichwayisup]

We have a tumultuous history but this last go-around has been really good & felt different. He said he could tell I was trusting in us & that I would be there for him in the end. He's right about that b/c before I always had fear of getting hurt, guilt, & all these other reasons to pull away & end things. Finally I was just letting myself love him & not hold back.

 

Him leaving and divorcing should happen, reguardless if you're there or not. This kind of concerns me. Especially the part I bolded. And even if you DID pull back due to having issues and trust, which rightfully so you SHOULD have seeing as he's been back and forth so many times, it STILL shouldn't make a difference to him in the sense of divorcing. Makes me wonder that if you told him you werent' sure if you could be there or wait, he would beg and go back home, not divorce. So, is he leaving her and the kids to be with you or he is leaving because he doesn't love his wife anymore and would be okay and would rather be on his own..Again, reguardless if you're in the picture or not. Something to think about......

[whichwayisup]

And drama? Well, that goes with the territory/nature of an affair, especially since technically he is leaving to be with you. His (ex) wife will always be in his life because of the kids and someday you two will have to talk, sort this out to make sure there's no resentment and bad feelings, and to have a general respect for one another. She is going to have a real hard time in the future with you being step mom to their kids. It's going to take kindness and understanding for everybody, even you, so this transition moves without drama and fighting/arguing. I just hope you all put those kids first no matter what.