Author 26pointblue Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 It's the waves I was telling you about..........you have to ride them out and just hang on sometimes. You can do it.....all those feelings have to come out, sometimes you have to let them. Don't try to make the hurt go away, ride it out, feeling it is part of your healing. Huge hugs......... Okay. Thank you. I'll just go with it! Ugh. Thanks for the hug. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Deaux Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 26PB, I am so sorry you are going through this. But you have to remember, the ups and downs, even when they are within 10 seconds of each other, are completely normal. And also remember, you only have to do what you can handle. A day at a time! If you have contact because you WANT contact, then you didn't do anything weak or wrong. If you have NC because you want NC, then that means you are READY for it and thats what you can handle! You can do it. You will do whatever it is you are ready for. And what you are ready for one day may not be the same the next day. It's all going to change hour to hour, day to day. You can't beat yourself up because you get sad. THAT is absolutely going to be the overriding emotion right now. I was quite surprised, pleased, but surprised by your strong post this morning! Took me 15 days(this morning), to sound like that! You are doing great still. Don't beat yourself up. You do what you can handle, minute by minute without pressuring yourself with unrealistic expectations. Your heart is broken. Its a HARD, INSANE, place to be in! You will be okay! Everything is going to happen as it happens, and none of it will be a waste. Everything will make you stronger in the long run anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 26PB, I am so sorry you are going through this. But you have to remember, the ups and downs, even when they are within 10 seconds of each other, are completely normal. And also remember, you only have to do what you can handle. A day at a time! If you have contact because you WANT contact, then you didn't do anything weak or wrong. If you have NC because you want NC, then that means you are READY for it and thats what you can handle! You can do it. You will do whatever it is you are ready for. And what you are ready for one day may not be the same the next day. It's all going to change hour to hour, day to day. You can't beat yourself up because you get sad. THAT is absolutely going to be the overriding emotion right now. I was quite surprised, pleased, but surprised by your strong post this morning! Took me 15 days(this morning), to sound like that! You are doing great still. Don't beat yourself up. You do what you can handle, minute by minute without pressuring yourself with unrealistic expectations. Your heart is broken. Its a HARD, INSANE, place to be in! You will be okay! Everything is going to happen as it happens, and none of it will be a waste. Everything will make you stronger in the long run anyway! You're right. And I know I want NC because I know I can't get over him without NC. I know it will hurt a lot now but be better in the long-run, as opposed to having temporary 'fixes' now & having it suck me dry in the long-run. Thanks for putting it that way - it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
lovingwhatis Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Fooled once, im surprised that you dont recognize that what happened to you and your H was fate. It was a gift, and i dont see where effort played in the serendipity of you meeting within an hour of signing up. Link to post Share on other sites
lovingwhatis Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Hugs, Girl!!! One of my favorite authors said in one of his essays on relationships that relationships ont cause pain, they bring out the pain that's already there. You said that you have similar issues like xmm. In the midst of all this pain, recognize that this is an opportunity to heal parts of you that need healing. I dont have time to write more tonight, but will answer your q to me tomorrow. Till then! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 Hugs, Girl!!! One of my favorite authors said in one of his essays on relationships that relationships ont cause pain, they bring out the pain that's already there. You said that you have similar issues like xmm. In the midst of all this pain, recognize that this is an opportunity to heal parts of you that need healing. I dont have time to write more tonight, but will answer your q to me tomorrow. Till then! This is so true. I don't think I ever would have been attracted to xMM or with him if I wasn't seriously screwed up! Nor would I have stayed with him so long, kept going back to him, etc. In a weird way I feel like I have already come a long way & dealt with some of my issues - at least I've recognized them & have become more self-aware - but obviously I need to be free from xMM to really work on that. It's just hard because being with him was so comfortable & made me happy, even if it was a delusional or escapist kind of happy. I really think it was the same for him & I imagine him going back home & trying to play the husband role but never really dealing with his issues. That makes me sad for him. :-( But then I know that if I really heal & get to a good place then I won't be concerned about him or how he's doing at all. Right? ?? That's the part I can't wrap my head around - how am I supposed to stop caring about him, when I do, even though I know it was unhealthy from the get-go & that I never should have? I can't go back & change time so now what do I do with all of this care I have for him? Thank you so much for your post LovingWhatIs, it really helps me. I can always relate to what you write me. Link to post Share on other sites
lovingwhatis Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I am very glad, pb, I relate to what you write a lot too. You have absolutely come a long way in dealing with things, all this introspection you have done in the past month is really remarkable. I usually get an insight a month. I also just sent you a PM message. This is so true. I don't think I ever would have been attracted to xMM or with him if I wasn't seriously screwed up! Nor would I have stayed with him so long, kept going back to him, etc. In a weird way I feel like I have already come a long way & dealt with some of my issues - at least I've recognized them & have become more self-aware - but obviously I need to be free from xMM to really work on that. It's just hard because being with him was so comfortable & made me happy, even if it was a delusional or escapist kind of happy. I really think it was the same for him & I imagine him going back home & trying to play the husband role but never really dealing with his issues. That makes me sad for him. :-( But then I know that if I really heal & get to a good place then I won't be concerned about him or how he's doing at all. Right? ?? That's the part I can't wrap my head around - how am I supposed to stop caring about him, when I do, even though I know it was unhealthy from the get-go & that I never should have? I can't go back & change time so now what do I do with all of this care I have for him? Thank you so much for your post LovingWhatIs, it really helps me. I can always relate to what you write me. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I was waiting too but it hit hard once I heard from him!!!! I think it's because I know I still love him & I hate feeling weak like that . . . I wish I could just really be over him & have him know that. I did tell him to leave it at my house but he said he doesn't want to go there so then we came up with a plan to leave it on my car at my office garage. I know I need time to greive & cry but it sucks. It definitely sucks the most when I talk to him or even hear from him, so I have to stop doing that. Any other time, I think I can handle it. Go with the grieving and crying....like BB said, it will come in waves and sometimes, you won't think you can breathe and other times, it is as if it is easy as pie. Hang onto what YOU know is right - not being with him, especially while he is married. Fooled once, im surprised that you dont recognize that what happened to you and your H was fate. It was a gift, and i dont see where effort played in the serendipity of you meeting within an hour of signing up. Believe me - I KNOW it was fate. I know he and I met at the RIGHT time. I could not have met him when we were both younger; it wouldn't have been the right time. I knew I had to be with someone who had (a) been married prior and (b) had kids (cause I knew I was done having kids). He and I both were at the best place possible where our hearts could be open to someone new and we both had first marriages where we both divorced. I needed someone who had been divorced, who had married someone for love, who had experienced that love ending, etc. I also knew the person I met had to be accepting of my son; and I remember my now H telling my son, who was turning 9 how HE would always spend his birthdays with him and not disappoint him. See, I was having a skating party for my son's birthday and he had invited his father and his father told him, and I quote "sorry boy, a race is on that day and I want to watch it." When my son got off the phone with his dad, he ran to my H's lap and cried and said "you won't ever do that to me will you". My H and I weren't even married yet (engaged) and the love and compassion he showed my son was proof positive that HE was the right one for me I don't believe in soul mates and that stuff...I just know that my H completes me and gets me and understands me and loves me...and as long as we continue to be honest, communicate and appreciate, I will be growing old(er) with him Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts