He left

[26pointblue]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Thanks WhichWay.

 

I think to me the thing that matters most is whether he is sure he is getting divorced/ going to eventually be able to be with me, or not. Or is it too soon for him to know that?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Thanks WhichWay.

 

I think to me the thing that matters most is whether he is sure he is getting divorced/ going to eventually be able to be with me, or not. Or is it too soon for him to know that?

 

You're welcome.

 

Let him sort this out, give him afew weeks or until the end of the month. Right now everything is spinning and he's dealing with alot. He probably doesn't want to make any promises or committments while he's dealing with this. Talk to him in a month and see what he says. Right now it's too soon since he just got kicked out.

[26pointblue]

You're welcome.

 

Let him sort this out, give him afew weeks or until the end of the month. Right now everything is spinning and he's dealing with alot. He probably doesn't want to make any promises or committments while he's dealing with this. Talk to him in a month and see what he says. Right now it's too soon since he just got kicked out.

 

Okay. I will try very hard to follow your advice. I am a want-to-know everything type of person. He is the same way ha ha. But I will try my very best & I really appreciate the objective advice!!

[greengoddess]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Thanks WhichWay.

 

I think to me the thing that matters most is whether he is sure he is getting divorced/ going to eventually be able to be with me, or not. Or is it too soon for him to know that?

 

Here's the problem as I see it. He can not be honest with you because he probably is scared ****less about losing his family right now and scared ****less about losing you. If he tells you he wants to try to go home so as to get his daughter back he loses you. Then he has no one if wife won't take him back. He can't be honest with you till he is sure of wifes emotions. Thus maybe why he is seeing son. He's been gone a day I don't see the son visitation already. I'm sorry. I honestly have no advice because this man has got to be a mess right now and doesn't want to lose you or his family. This sucks for everyone.

 

Maybe you can offer to step back a little to give him room without the threat of being done for good so you can see actual actions. In your heart you know you are done depending on his actions but maybe he doesn't need to know this and then he will act on what he truly wants and you will have your answer one way or the other.

[26pointblue]

Here's the problem as I see it. He can not be honest with you because he probably is scared ****less about losing his family right now and scared ****less about losing you. If he tells you he wants to try to go home so as to get his daughter back he loses you. Then he has no one if wife won't take him back. He can't be honest with you till he is sure of wifes emotions. Thus maybe why he is seeing son. He's been gone a day I don't see the son visitation already. I'm sorry. I honestly have no advice because this man has got to be a mess right now and doesn't want to lose you or his family. This sucks for everyone.

 

Maybe you can offer to step back a little to give him room without the threat of being done for good so you can see actual actions. In your heart you know you are done depending on his actions but maybe he doesn't need to know this and then he will act on what he truly wants and you will have your answer one way or the other.

 

 

I think this is very good advice. It does suck & he is afraid of losing both of us/ either of us & I do want to support him even if I don't end up with him. If I have to walk away I want it to be knowing I have given my all, & right now is too soon.

 

I am really glad I came & posted here because I think I would have been unreasonable w/ him & this has helped me put things into better perspective. I'll let you know how our talk tonight goes.

[greengoddess]

Good luck.

[daisy love]

Do you love him or don't you? If you love him, you should be there for him every step of the way. I don't get stepping back! No way! No way in hell would I ever abandon my man when he needed me the most!

[fooled once]

Sounds to ME like you are really pushing to be A COUPLE right this second - you want the divorce RIGHT THIS SECOND.

 

This just happened. If he is unsure or anxious, to ME, that is a red flag in that he really ISN'T ready to divorce. People who are SURE of their actions aren't unsure or anxious - or at least, all the people I know who WANTED a divorce did it confidently per say. NONE of them were "kicked out". They all voluntarily moved on from the marriage and once they made the decision, there was no going back.

 

Yes, his kids may choose to never like you - they may demand their father "pick" - them or you. I believe you are much younger than him, correct? That also will not go over well.

 

Why in the world was he out with you and friends if he was hiding you? Was he hoping his wife would see or find out and then SHE would take the lead, like she allegedly has? I don't mean to be a downer, but people who don't OWN their actions or make their OWN path to me are not confident or sure of what they want.

 

20 years vs ... not sure how long your affair has been.....to a younger woman.... all screams mid life crisis to me. The fact that he has flip flopped several times also is a huge red flag.

 

Depending on where you are - divorce can take a minimum of a year - after a date of separation (legal separation) has been established. IF he is wishy washy - they process will take much longer. IF he is expecting HER to file, again, a red flag to me. He sounds like someone who NEEDS someone to take care of him, which I personally find yucky - I don't like weak, non-confident men.

 

You may think you know him so well, but don't you think his wife believes the same thing? Are you sure you are okay with him - HIM, not you and him - attending family obligations -- especially if his children state you are not welcome. You really seem overly eager for him to move in and start a life with you; and I don't mean to knock that, but that is not reality right now. He MUST be on his own and independent. The fact that he hasn't taken ANY steps prior to his wife throwing him out again is a red flag. Sounds to me like he had no intention of ever leaving ... but it was 'fun' to discuss the 'one day' with you. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you; but he isn't ready for that break.

 

You are going to end up pushing him back to his family home if you become demanding and wanting answers RIGHT THIS SECOND. If you want him to see a lawyer RIGHT THIS SECOND and find a new place to live, RIGHT THIS SECOND, you are putting a ton of pressure on him. I realize you are anxious, but he has to dissolve over 20 years of history with someone and from the sounds of it, he has never even logically or realistically thought of that while having an affair.

 

It sounds like you are his option, not his priority. He liked playing the unhappy married man because you doted on him, gave him sympathy and promised him the world and what man doesn't like that ego stroke?

 

I hope you can have some objectivity and some distance - I really think you are going to end up very hurt in the long run. I hope for your sake I am wrong.

[TinaniT]

 

20 years vs ... not sure how long your affair has been.....to a younger woman.... all screams mid life crisis to me. \.

 

 

I just wanted to say, I got the mid life crisis thing a lot with my husband - (we have a large age difference) And I hate that assumption...

 

Flip flopping worries me though it is not an easy thing. You shouldn't ever have to be the default choice.

Taking it easy right now to smooth the transition is wise. There is a whole family you will be interacting with... A big concern should be how the kids will react and you showing up immediately could make it even harder on them. But don't let how hard things are with him negate your feelings, either; make sure he's giving them the respect they deserve.

 

Good luck, marathon runner

[whichwayisup]

but he has to dissolve over 20 years of history with someone and from the sounds of it, he has never even logically or realistically thought of that while having an affair.

 

Excellent observation FO. I think for anybody married that long, it wouldn't be easy just to up and walk away, dissolve a marriage, a life so quickly. I do kind of think too that he didn't have a solid plan thought out, maybe more a one day we'll be together. Anyway, until real actions are shown to back up what he says, shield your heart P26.

[TinaniT]

Also wanted to add, divorces can take a long time. They don't always - especially if one party is really motivated. Mine or my husband's did not take too long... Mine took almost no time (no assets) - my husband's took longer, but not a year and he had significant assets. If things can be agreed upon, then it can be faster... Especially if he's talked to it with a lawyer before and is familiar with the process and has started Discovery already in the past.

 

Do make sure though he is not holding you as a back up plan in case he can't get forgiven. It has happened. Not always though. But him not making the solid action on his own unnerves me.

[greengoddess]

Also red flag. It was not even a month ago that you were thinking he was never leaving and you were declaring to all that you were a happy other woman. That makes me wonder if deep down since you declared to be happy, you know he is not ready.

 

How'd it go? You okay?

[JadedAmore]

 

We have a tumultuous history but this last go-around has been really good & felt different. He said he could tell I was trusting in us & that I would be there for him in the end. He's right about that b/c before I always had fear of getting hurt, guilt, & all these other reasons to pull away & end things. Finally I was just letting myself love him & not hold back.

 

 

First off, I still have pages to read and I just want to wish you luck. I hope that you two are able to overcome the many challenges you are sure to face, especially being that they have children together, and you come out happy with the results in the end.

 

I do have to say, with my xMM we flip flopped back and forth quite a bit, and at one point I finally decided to just let go just like you have, and love him unconditionally with no holds barred. This was when I got burned the worst.

 

Above all, protect yourself and your heart. No one else will.

[26pointblue]

Also red flag. It was not even a month ago that you were thinking he was never leaving and you were declaring to all that you were a happy other woman. That makes me wonder if deep down since you declared to be happy, you know he is not ready.

 

 

No, I'm sorry but that's not what I said at all. I said I know he hasn't decided & isn't ready to leave but I also know it can't stay like this for long & that he does want to be with him. I said I was happy being with him for the time being because the benefits outweighed the negatives, & I felt I had to give it one last shot where I was really giving him my all. Then I could be able to walk away form it if he didn't leave. But I remember saying several times that I think he will leave, or that things would come to a head one way or the other. I knew this was inevitable with all the back & forth & with his wife knowing & both his wife & I growing agitated with him wanting him to make a decision & act on it.

[26pointblue]

To the age question, yes, FooledOnce I'm a lot younger than he is. I don't remember saying that on here but maybe it's that obvious.

 

Tinani- How large is the age group between you & your husband if you don't mind me asking? Also, thank you for sharing your experiences & advice with me because it really helps. At what point did your husband decide he was definitely going to be w/ you & started taking action?

[26pointblue]

First off, I still have pages to read and I just want to wish you luck. I hope that you two are able to overcome the many challenges you are sure to face, especially being that they have children together, and you come out happy with the results in the end.

 

I do have to say, with my xMM we flip flopped back and forth quite a bit, and at one point I finally decided to just let go just like you have, and love him unconditionally with no holds barred. This was when I got burned the worst.

 

Above all, protect yourself and your heart. No one else will.

 

I am scared of this honestly but at the same time when I walked away without knowing that I had given it my all, I felt regret. I felt incomplete & without closure. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, or maybe I'm just a really extreme, all-or-nothing-type person but I couldn't settle for half-way. I had to go back & give it my all knowing that whatever happens I will know that I did all I could. I thought it would make it easier for me to move on if need be but maybe as you say it will be harder because I'll be getting burnt more. :-( I don't know but when I said I was a 'happy' OW I meant I was happy with my choice to be with him this one last time giving it my all. Funny enough, I knew those would be our 'best' moments in terms of always happy, escapism, no problems, all the benefits of an affair [and ours was an intense, full-blown, every day, out in public type affair - I have been told it is atypical but I don't know] without any of the drawbacks. I knew it couldn't last that way for long & I knew that the last time he was separated was the hardest. I knew there were hard times to come one way or the other, & here they are. Ironically I'm seeing him a lot less now than when he was living at home & I think it will stay that way for quite some time. Maybe it needs to be that way to normalize.

 

I feel that this will make us or break us. If he goes back I do understand, & wish him the best & I will walk away with my closure & never contact him again or respond if he contacts me. I will not feel burnt by that because I know it's a high possibility & I am choosing this anyway. For me I became 'happy' when I owned my own choices & actions. I just hope it can end with a civil conversation instead of him just totally not talking to me [i couldn't imagine that happening though] or a big, huge blow-out [i [u]could[/u] imagine that because both of us get very emotional . . . which is why I'm trying to temper my feelings & step back & look at things logically & not have many expectations at this point]. But even if one of those two things happen to end it, I won't feel burnt. That will still be my closure although I will have wished it to have ended differently.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience with me & I'm sorry that it happened like that. :-( I do see the tendency of an affair to suck everything out of you until you give it your all & have nothing left & get burnt. It is a really ugly situation for sure!

[26pointblue]

How'd it go? You okay?

 

It went well, all things considered. I had written him a letter [because I'm better at writing than talking & sometimes when I have so many thoughts I want to get the words out on paper first] but when he first go over it was just like he was happy to see me & I was happy to see him, like usual, & that made me feel so much better, because he had been acting distant & I had been thinking he was going to say we needed a complete break [which I would understand & do, but it's not what I would want right now].

 

He told me his son is having a hard time dealing with it [whereas at first he was just clingy & sad & said he wanted to be able to see his dad as much as possible - now he was acting more mad & aloof & MM thinks that he talked to his sister, who knows the whole scoop], & that he is going to do everything in his power to see his son as much as possible & let him know he's there for him & loves him. Sad to say this is not what he did the last time he moved out & so I think he is doing the right thing now.

 

We talked a bit before he went over to his sister's where he was staying that night. I expressed my fears to him, which I hadn't really been planning to do but I'm not good at holding things back from him & I felt that I needed to tell him then. I said I know right now everything is up in the air & his world is spinning & he is feeling so many different things & is unsure of what to do. I told him I just want his honesty- not that he has to tell me everything [although he usually does anyway] but not to lie to me or give me false hope. I told him he could tell me anything & I wouldn't get upset, or I would try very hard not to anyway [it kind of goes against my nature- I'm a very emotional & analytical person . . . sometimes explosive for sure, as is he], that I wanted him to feel safe with me & to know that I'm not asking him for anything right now. But that my fear is that he would be keeping me as a back-up or an option when I am here giving him my all. That he is staying at his family members' places to appease his wife & look like he's being the 'good boy' to try & get back with her.

 

He told me I am not a back-up option, he wants to be with me but things are so crazy & all over the place right now. He said he feels a lot of guilt & he was acting distant because he felt 'icky' about us & what we had done to his wife. He kept asking himself how could he be with someone who could do that, even though he said he knows that makes no sense because he himself did the same thing, & wanted me to do it with him at the time. This hurt but I was really glad for his honesty. I knew he was thinking something along those lines or at least something different than normal because of how he had been acting towards me. So I was glad he put that out there. He said he thinks that feeling will fade away because it's just a way to cope with his guilt but he knows that we love each other.

 

He said his sister wanted to talk to him about things & that she is really upset because she is very close to his wife & their kids are all very close. He said he needs to make sure he's dealing with facing his family members because everyone is affected by this & he does want to look like the 'good' boy in that he wants to apologize to everyone & let them know he knows that what he did was wrong & that he still wants to be a big part of his kids' lives & make things easier on them. And he doesn't want to rub us in her face & he doesn't want everyone including the kids to hate us because that won't be good for us in the future.

 

I told him I understand all of that. He said he feels bad that he can't give me what I need right now. He said he needs his focus to be on his kids & on normalizing things & I said I understand. I told him I can give him space, time, or anything else he needs, & I asked him what he needs. He said 'patience.' I said okay, I will give him my patience. I know this is only temporary & I am not ready to walk away from him, unless he wants me to, & then I will, & he said he doesn't want me to, but he does understand if I need to. Before he left I gave him the letter I had written him which basically said most of the things we had talked about.

 

This morning he came over & brought me breakfast & said he had read the letter & thanked me for it. I said that I will try hard to do what I said in the letter, which is to step back & give him space. He looked worried & said, 'Step back as in having no contact with me, or step back as in not pushing me or pressuring me?' I said not pushing him or pressuring him & he gave me a big hug. I think you guys are right that he is afraid of losing me & wants me in his life but feels bad that he can't give me what I want right now & doesn't want additional conflict & drama. I told him I wanted to be the one constant in his life right now & that I helped him get into this & I will help him get out of it in whatever way he needs. That being with me can be a safe zone for him where he doesn't have to worry about demands or me getting upset about what he's doing or not doing. He said it does feel very safe & calming when he's with me compared to anywhere else, & that at his family members' houses they all want him to do or not do certain things & he is always feeling bad & explaining himself or listening to them say what they think. At one point I mentioned that obviously it can't go on like this forever but for right now because I love him & don't want to walk away from him, I am just supporting whatever he chooses to do & not inserting my own desires or demands [although I said I may insert some of my feelings because I just naturally do, & he said he understands & wants to know how I feel.]

 

He said 'oh yes it is definitely temporary' & he thanked me for giving him time. He seemed very relieved & kept telling me he loved me & that we just need to get through this hard time & that how we handle things now will help us in the future. We basically laid in bed talking all morning - I didn't necessarily have to go to work because I had just finished a huge project & I don't have a set schedule, it's more project-based, & he owns his business so never 'has' to go in - & when we finally got up to go into our offices he seemed really happy, back to the old MM instead of the distant alient-like creature he had been the last couple days, & I myself am much happier having talked with him about it.

 

Wow, this was a long post, sorry. I tried to cover most of what we talked about. [He told me that last night his sister kept insisting we were just about sex but at the end of the night he finally said that he hadn't gotten to talk & she hadn't asked him how he really felt, & he told her about his feeilngs for me & some of the things he liked about me & she got all shocked & was like, wow you really have feelings for her, & he said that was what he had been trying to tell her but she wasn't listening. It does make me feel better that at least people in his life know about me & know that I'm important to him & that it wasn't just all fun & games].

 

Based on much of your collective advice & on thinking of what I should do in this sticky situation I've decided that this way is best, for him & for me. I know that we can't be a real couple right now & that he can't meet my needs & while sometimes I think, well then what am I doing with him?, for now I've decided to just accept that this is the situation & this is the way things are & I can take them or leave them but I can't do anything to change them. I've decided to meet my own needs & not expect him to do that right now. And in a way I think that is a really good thing for me - to really live my own life instead of being dependent on him & wondering what he is or isn't going to do. I think in the past our affair has been a way for both of us to escape the issues in our own lives by being with each other, & that's not what I want us to be long-term. I want both of us to be okay on our own but even better together. Or, if he & I don't work out, then obviously I need to keep meeting my own needs, & eventually find a person who makes me feel like he does but who also can be in a normal relationship with me, & so either way I want to get healthier & I want him to get healthier. I know there is no other way to do it than semi-separate like this. I know that in the long-run it will be good for me with or without him. He always met my needs in the past but I shouldn't have expected that since he's married. Now ironically when he's separated I'm realizing that. I want to live my own life & meet my own needs as a single person but also be there to support him & believe that we will work out or that at least I have given it my all. So that is what I'm going to be doing & I will check back with him about the status of things in a month like someone suggested I do, & put a timeline on it in my own heart, but I'm not sure yet what that timeline/deadline is. I need to think about that part but I know I can't do this forever, because it feels like way more of a half-relationship than our affair while he was living at home ever did, & I want more than that. I will just do it temporarily & see what happens.

 

Thanks everyone & sorry for blabbing on so much.

[TinaniT]

To the age question, yes, FooledOnce I'm a lot younger than he is. I don't remember saying that on here but maybe it's that obvious.

 

Tinani- How large is the age group between you & your husband if you don't mind me asking? Also, thank you for sharing your experiences & advice with me because it really helps. At what point did your husband decide he was definitely going to be w/ you & started taking action?

 

19 years.

He decided very quickly; within a few months. But then, he had already decided completely to leave the marriage before he ever met me, I just moved up his time frame. If that decision hasn't been made, it is probably different. He also is a very decisive person, not the type to waffle. So he decided it, and it was done, and there was never any back and forth. Before he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with only me me, he had said a few times that he felt awful about what he was doing to me, that I deserved more than part of him, and he apparently unbeknownst to me had gone to a lawyer to start the process. He did not feel right saying I love you unless he was in process of being with me and only me. (He has a lot of little things like that.)

That, of course, was the start of issues and drama and not the conclusion. (with exwife)

 

We decided to live apart until after the divorces were final. He wanted to live together right away. I felt it would be too hard on the kids. I am glad we did it that way, though it did in fact cost us a lot of money to do it this way. I don't know if that is an issue in your circumstance.

 

The process of waiting for the divorce was hard. He kept me in the loop with everything and I still found myself doubting him here and there until it was over. And our divorces were very quick because my marriage had no assets and he made an offer to his ex that was extremely far beyond what any court would have awarded. (We both wanted to make sure his children were taken care of, not uprooted, etc., if possible, and make the divorce go as quickly as possible with no fighting that might impact the children more than was unavoidable at that point)

[26pointblue]

19 years.

He decided very quickly; within a few months. But then, he had already decided completely to leave the marriage before he ever met me, I just moved up his time frame. If that decision hasn't been made, it is probably different. He also is a very decisive person, not the type to waffle. So he decided it, and it was done, and there was never any back and forth. Before he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with only me me, he had said a few times that he felt awful about what he was doing to me, that I deserved more than part of him, and he apparently unbeknownst to me had gone to a lawyer to start the process. He did not feel right saying I love you unless he was in process of being with me and only me. (He has a lot of little things like that.)

That, of course, was the start of issues and drama and not the conclusion. (with exwife)

 

We decided to live apart until after the divorces were final. He wanted to live together right away. I felt it would be too hard on the kids. I am glad we did it that way, though it did in fact cost us a lot of money to do it this way. I don't know if that is an issue in your circumstance.

 

The process of waiting for the divorce was hard. He kept me in the loop with everything and I still found myself doubting him here and there until it was over. And our divorces were very quick because my marriage had no assets and he made an offer to his ex that was extremely far beyond what any court would have awarded. (We both wanted to make sure his children were taken care of, not uprooted, etc., if possible, and make the divorce go as quickly as possible with no fighting that might impact the children more than was unavoidable at that point)

 

Thank you for the helpful background info. Do your parents or other family members/friends have any issue with him due to the age difference? Or due to the fact that he [& you, I guess] were married when you met?

 

Your situation is quite different than mine, but it helps to read about what it was like for you. Thanks.

[fooled once]

Also wanted to add, divorces can take a long time. They don't always - especially if one party is really motivated. Mine or my husband's did not take too long... Mine took almost no time (no assets) - my husband's took longer, but not a year and he had significant assets. If things can be agreed upon, then it can be faster... Especially if he's talked to it with a lawyer before and is familiar with the process and has started Discovery already in the past.

 

Do make sure though he is not holding you as a back up plan in case he can't get forgiven. It has happened. Not always though. But him not making the solid action on his own unnerves me.

 

Actually, in the US, it depends on the state. In MY state, a married couple with children had a MANDATORY 1 year separation before a divorce could be brought to court - not until a divorce is granted, but before it is even put on the court docket. A married couple without children - it was a 6 month waiting period.

 

Depending on the state, depending on what needs to be divided, depending on children, etc... divorce CAN take years - a friend of mine in another state - it took 3.5 YEARS for the divorce.

[26pointblue]

Actually, in the US, it depends on the state. In MY state, a married couple with children had a MANDATORY 1 year separation before a divorce could be brought to court - not until a divorce is granted, but before it is even put on the court docket. A married couple without children - it was a 6 month waiting period.

 

Depending on the state, depending on what needs to be divided, depending on children, etc... divorce CAN take years - a friend of mine in another state - it took 3.5 YEARS for the divorce.

 

There is no mandatory waiting period in our state. I do realize it would take them quite awhile to divide up assets & such. That's a moot point at this juncture, though, since neither of them has filed for divorce.

[26pointblue]

He's having pretty extreme mood swings, which I'm sure is to be expected. Last night he asked if he could stay over & I said sure, & he brought some clothes & hung them up in my closet, but this morning he took them all with him. I don't mind if he brings extra clothes because I live close to where we work & he stays over sometimes. He did this before when he was separated & it worked out fine. But I thought the choice of clothing he brought, as well as the fact that he took them back with him, was strange.

 

He was also all sweet & loving at one point last evening when he called to see if he could come over, almost clingy, telling me he wanted us to be a real couple & get into a normal routine & stuff. Earlier he had said we shouldn't make a phone record track because of his divorce & also because he didn't want to rub it in his wife's face, so we were using bbm or work phones. But now he had called me several times using our cell phones & when he called on his way over to my house he said 'screw it, just call me any time you want & I'll call you too, I don't care anymore.'

 

But when he got over his demeanor had changed again, it was as if he was mad at me. He started talking to me about guys I had dated when we were apart & I was just like, woah, we weren't together then, I thought we were done for good, you were with your wife, etc. He said he knows but it bothers him.

 

It was so weird. I think that either he talked to his wife or just senses that she is really done for good & so now he wants to have a relationship with me but then he gets mad at himself/me for hurting his wife & gets in a bad mood. To be honest I was rather annoyed with him because he's all over the place & I know he's going through a rough time but I don't appreciate him taking it out on me [yes I helped him cause it] & I just want him to either be good to me or step back like we had agreed to do.

[whichwayisup]

He's all over the map right now. Says and does one thing, then does a 180 the next day. Expect less from him and keep yourself busy with things in your own life. It might actually be beneficial to you to stop having sex. Not to punish him, but to get out of the affair dynamic, slow everything down, detach so it's easier on you to give him space..And, also not get sucked into his world and how he deals with things. He has nothing to give to you. I mean, when was the last time he sat and talked with you, asked you about your life, what's going on and it hasn't been just about him and his stuff?

 

Atleast he's been honest with you and is thankful that you understand that he doesn't want pressure on him or you pushing for him to commit to you right now.

[alexandria35]

He told me I am not a back-up option, he wants to be with me but things are so crazy & all over the place right now. He said he feels a lot of guilt & he was acting distant because he felt 'icky' about us & what we had done to his wife. He kept asking himself how could he be with someone who could do that, even though he said he knows that makes no sense because he himself did the same thing, & wanted me to do it with him at the time.

 

I would be very concerned about this. You later say he was questioning you about other guys you have been with (was this during or before the affair?). It sounds to me like he is struggling with feelings of disrespect and distrust for you. I would never be with a man who said our relationship made him feel "icky". That's one aspect of being an OW that I will never understand because I would never be okay with being a secret or being with someone who doesn't exactly feel proud of me or our relationship. I would be very leery of this if I were you. Your hoping he gets over these feelings but I wouldn't count on it. Yes his feelings are hypocritcal, but in the end it won't matter to him if he's a hyprocrite or not, he wants whats best for him and right now he's questioning if you are good enough to have a future with. Even if he never goes back I would be concerned about this, because once his emotions settle he might start looking around for a relationship that doesn't have an 'icky' history to it.

[26pointblue]

He's all over the map right now. Says and does one thing, then does a 180 the next day. Expect less from him and keep yourself busy with things in your own life. It might actually be beneficial to you to stop having sex. Not to punish him, but to get out of the affair dynamic, slow everything down, detach so it's easier on you to give him space..And, also not get sucked into his world and how he deals with things. He has nothing to give to you. I mean, when was the last time he sat and talked with you, asked you about your life, what's going on and it hasn't been just about him and his stuff?

 

Atleast he's been honest with you and is thankful that you understand that he doesn't want pressure on him or you pushing for him to commit to you right now.

 

WhichWay, he does talk to me about my work & my family etc. Definitely not as much as we talk about him & his situation but I think that's to be expected right now. I don't feel neglected but I also realize he can't meet all my needs & be there as much as I'd like or as much as he used to be.