Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I guess I never was a really empathetic person. I may be a bit of a sociopath. Based on your other posts here on LS and in this thread, I think you're on to something here.
Eve Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Maybe find a support group for persons who have had a similar deal? At the end of the day what you do now is important because you are not a child anymore. Within life, how one resolves problems is what matters, that's what defines success in my books. Your Mum is ill and has been for a long time. It's not her fault. Mental illness can strike anyone. You need to come to terms with this first and also that it could happen to you, OP. That is a lot of stuff to discuss and work through. No amount of money, immersion into another culture, or even dominance within your relationship patterns is going to be able to hide you forever. Preferably review the situation within a group setting where you can get honest feedback and support. .. But do it soon. At one point you did love your Mum, you just can't remember right now. All the best, Take care, Eve x
Els Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I think it's really, really sad when family ties are cut off completely, and that it should only ever be used as a last resort (abuse, absolutely unbearable controlling behaviour that does not change despite all your efforts, etc). It should NOT be something done just 'because you don't feel anything for her'. It saddens me so damn much, that some portions of society now treat relationships as disposable plates; get your fill out of them and then throw them away. She may not have been the best mom, but she still made a significant amount of sacrifice for you, seeing as you somehow grew up to be 18 anyway and thus must have at least accounted for 18 years of living expenses. My parents are crazy controlling but I would never cut them out of my life unless they force me to do so or do it themselves, simply because I know what it takes to provide for someone for 18 years and that alone is sufficient reason to be grateful. I hope you seriously rethink your course of action before karma comes back to bite you in the butt 18 years later.
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Eve, western culture is my culture. I was never raised traditional at all. So don't know whatt u mean by immersion into another culture. My family is westernized.
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Elswyth, I am not grateful for living expenses cause I never asked to be born. I would rather have not been born at all. My mom lived off my grandmother and aunts and uncles paid our rent. Its not like she worked hard to support me. We lived off charity
Eve Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Eve, western culture is my culture. I was never raised traditional at all. So don't know whatt u mean by immersion into another culture. My family is westernized. H'mm.. where did I get that from? It could have been an assumption.. thinking that you are probably a second generation immigrant. Apologies. I will have a think. My comment must have come from somewhere... Any further thoughts? Take care, Eve x
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 H'mm.. where did I get that from? It could have been an assumption.. thinking that you are probably a second generation immigrant. Apologies. I will have a think. My comment must have come from somewhere... Any further thoughts? Take care, Eve x Re read ur post. It mentioned "immersion in another culture"
Eve Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I don't need to re-read. Are you a second generation immigrant, OP? The impression I got was this. I don't think it is anything you have directly said. It was more about your attitude around being westernised. Third generation onwards would not make such a distinction. Of course, I may be wrong. Take care, Eve xx
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I don't need to re-read. Are you a second generation immigrant, OP? The impression I got was this. I don't think it is anything you have directly said. It was more about your attitude around being westernised. Third generation onwards would not make such a distinction. Of course, I may be wrong. Take care, Eve xx All you need to know is that I was born in the west.
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I don't need to re-read. Are you a second generation immigrant, OP? The impression I got was this. I don't think it is anything you have directly said. It was more about your attitude around being westernised. Third generation onwards would not make such a distinction. Of course, I may be wrong. Take care, Eve xx I mentioned it because someone else in this thread asked me what "culture" I was from. Not that I need to explain it to you. But whatever.
Eve Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I mentioned it because someone else in this thread asked me what "culture" I was from. Not that I need to explain it to you. But whatever. It's all relevant. I am raising this as a topic not for racial reasons, like to be nasty. There is a whole body of research which you may be interested in that looks at the difficulties faced by immigrant families. Mental illness is not uncommon in first generation settlers. Anyhow, maybe you just wanted to talk about how much you don't feel for your Mum more as a statement and don't really want to do anything about it or explore it and that's fine.. You are right, it's none of my business. I will accept your deflection from other points raised. Take care, Eve xx
Els Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Elswyth, I am not grateful for living expenses cause I never asked to be born. I would rather have not been born at all. My mom lived off my grandmother and aunts and uncles paid our rent. Its not like she worked hard to support me. We lived off charity Really? Your grandmother and aunts fed you milk as a baby, changed your diapers, taught you to walk and use potty, saw to it that you went to school? Really? If that is true, then I agree with your viewpoint.
Lucky_One Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 If your mom knew what you really were like, she might not want to know you, either. Might as well give her a call, let her see your unempathetic, sociopathic butt, and she will quit crying over not having her only child in in her life, because she didn't get the kid hair cuts or expensive clothes. Good luck. Hopefully her mental illness isn't genetic, so that you don't have to worry about being dumped when you are older, too.
NoMagicBullet Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 J200, I agree with the posters who say that you have unresolved resentment and anger at your mother. What you do about it is up to you. I don't want to threadjack, but I didn't talk to either of my parents for a while, and I think part of it was that they weren't the parents I needed them to be. They weren't bad, but there were a lot of life lessons that I missed because they were busy with their own issues. Anyway, after I realized they'd never be the parents I wanted, I did get back in touch with them, knowing that whatever relationship I had with them was never going to be that great. And I still can't really have a decent adult relationship with either of them, but I try to get the little bits of good out of it that are there, under very limited conditions. So ask yourself, what you are willing to accept if you have any sort of relationship with your mother? Her being mentally ill and refusing treatment makes things that much more difficult. It's not fair that you are being expected to fill the void in an unhealthy woman's life, even if she is your mother, and it's not your fault that she won't get help and that she has no other positive things to focus on in her life. But would you be willing to give her the occasional gift of your time on rare occasions, possibly to do something you could both find relatively pleasant? Maybe, at least, to have a not-so-bad memory of her when she does pass? Maybe it could help with processing some of the anger you have over the past? But I think the first part is accepting that your mother is what she is and that she won't change. Then consider if there's any way you can make the best of what time you have left with her.
John Michael Kane Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If your mom knew what you really were like, she might not want to know you, either. Might as well give her a call, let her see your unempathetic, sociopathic butt, and she will quit crying over not having her only child in in her life, because she didn't get the kid hair cuts or expensive clothes. Good luck. Hopefully her mental illness isn't genetic, so that you don't have to worry about being dumped when you are older, too. ^ No wonder why people get killed. This type of crap right here....
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