Venting...

[Sw3etdev1L]

After my mom died a year and a half ago... I felt LIKE SH...

She got cancer while I was in college, getting my bachelors degree in Nutrition. They told me she got cancer when I was going to rotations in the onchology department.. Felt so bad, so horrible.. it was BUMMER.

A total Bummer..

She never made me go see her all the time, she gave me the freedom to study and still have a whole life of my own.. Which gave me so much health in that period... I thank her so much for having done that.. I called her daily, I saw her once or twice a week.. I never thought she would die.. But she did. The career was so hard for me. I had gotten a depression before, and treatment for epilepsy.. The doctor said I was alright, he didn't think my mother was so bad at the time and didn't have the good diagnose for the kinda epilepsy thing then... well, I used to go to college, study, do my thang, have a life of a twenty year old woman.. I used to hang out with my friends, go clubbing, have a blast... eventhough internally I was worried about my mom, so worried.

All of my profession, I put 200% of myself there, and ended with a B- or a C+, truth is I was so hard with myself... I want to end up my career with at least a B+ or straight A´s but humanly I couldn't.

I wanted to do all... but I couldn't.

Every time my I had a C, when my mom was living she would tell me... If you get a C, it's perfect...don't quit.. as long as you don't quit everything is good.. I didn't quit.. and now I am ending my profession. Not with the grades I wished for but I know I learned.. I learned not only from my career because my heart was not entirely devouted in that when my mother was sick, but I also learned aboout life... After mom died they gave me my good diagnose and treated for depression, two weeks later I went back to college.. it was SO DAMN HARD. But at the same time, it kept me from thinking so much about my problems. I didn't block myself out, I went to therapy...I cried, got mad, vented, everything... I learnt expressing is SO IMPORTANT. If you don't express yourself you can be sick from it... I just expressed myself so much. I ended my depression treatment, and kept on moving forward in my profession... still tried to go out with friends or whoever would ask me out.. just to be distracted and to feel I participated in the continuous movement of life.. To not feel I was, not making out the best of my life.. See, when you have a dying parent you loved.. You can give movement (positive) to your life creatively and proactively , or.. submerge yourself into your own thoughts and quit your activities and not get the medical attention you need... I decided to keep on giving movement to my life, receive medical attention, therapy...and i thinnk, that exprience it is starting to make sense as a growing experience.. Very hard, very tough, and rough, but very strong lesson i want to share with you.

First of all.. not quitting, setting yourself objectives which help you get out psychologically of any problem you may have, not being tough with yourself because we are all fragile, human and might go through difficult circumstances in life which may make us not get were we want to even if we do have the capacity to get there, we have to forgive ourselves and recognize our own effort.

I know I did an excellent job by ending my profession, I supported my mother all I could, and all she let me because she wanted me to study and not be 100% as glue with her.. I thank her she supported me to finish my career, and gave me the freedom I needed to live those years the best I could, in the moment and that she wasn't selfish to want her family have all their time and attention to her, but... she was conscious that we all needed to keep on giving movement to our lives even though we went through a rough experience.. I thank her and loved her and love her for that... Now I do know my effort was humanly great and that, a C is actually pretty awesome depending on the circumstances.... I know I have potential and capacity.. but I know my priorities are family, friends, happiness, health and job at last... becase we do only live once, and we are only human. I've said.

Edited April 6, 2011 by Sw3etdev1L