25 year old virgin

[AHardDaysNight]

The question is, how do you "just do it" without either A.) turning off the girl, B.) coming across as a creepy person, or C.) both

 

?

[Floridaman]

The question is, how do you "just do it" without either A.) turning off the girl, B.) coming across as a creepy person, or C.) both

Methinks those fears are unwarranted.

Turn off a girl??

 

Don't think a guy approaching a girl in a normal way in a "safe" setting like in a public place (school, social function, etc.) would normally be viewed as "creepy."

 

Women are "hit on" all the time. They should be used to such things...

 

 

Take a look at this thread on another board:

Methinks the tips there could help you.

The Shy Story- Calling all Shy and/or "Nice" Guys!

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=392299&p=4942334&viewfull=1#post4942334

 

The OP there was like many of you, shy, not outgoing and didn't have a lot of luck with women. He gives some great advice on approaching women without looking like a PUA.

I'm active on that board (I'm CR there) and maybe we can get the OP in that great thread to start a similar thread on LS....

 

The OP seems to know much more about that than I.

I don't claim to be an expert on this and was lousy at approaching as well, but awoke and realized I needed to do something....

The last woman I dated was my best dating experience ever...

 

Though I dated, wasn't good at it and only escaped being single at 30 when the best friend of my wife set her up with me on a blind date....

 

The way I worded that earlier post, it sounded like it was the best friend of the woman I dated, the one who became ambivalent...

I only knew that woman who set me up through the other woman I dated... so there's value in meeting friends of women you date.

 

I post that to show you guys there's hope.

And many women don't meet the guy they marry until their 30s... so don't ever think it's "too late" for you.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Floridaman

[turnera]

The question is, how do you "just do it" without either A.) turning off the girl, B.) coming across as a creepy person, or C.) both

 

?

Yeah, you are worrying WAY TOO MUCH.

 

Do you know what a girl wants more than anything?

 

Honesty.

 

Find a girl you like, get to know her, be yourself - in all your shy, goofy, nerdy, fun persona, let her know you're a virgin but that you'd like to get past it, continue to get to know her, hang out with her, then ask her out for a date. She'll remember what you said. She'll know you probably have in mind getting it over with, she'll be flattered you asked her out, go out and have fun - no pressure, and see where it takes you. If you two get comfortable enough, there will come a time when you can just say 'can I come in?' and see where that leads.

 

And by the way, PLEASE do not pick girls just on their looks. I raised my DD21 with this thought - the really good looking guys will probably be the world's biggest jerks. They always get everything they want, they get it EASY, and they lose touch with the real world - and they will treat you accordingly. Regular looking guys will be much nicer, down to earth, giving, and make a better partner. Now, she's really pretty, model pretty, but I raised her to look beyond that, and she's honestly one of the nicest people you'd ever meet despite that. So she can get a lot of dates. And she's tried dating both kinds - the hottest guy in school and what I consider the worst-looking guy in school. Nearly every single 'hot' guy she dated turned out to be a jerk (and the only one who wasn't, had family problems that kept him down to earth). And all her long-term boyfriends ended up being the regular guys, the nice ones.

 

So look for girls you have something in common with. Who share the same morality. Who are looking for the same thing. And who - because they

AREN'T the hot girls - don't have men pounding down their doors. You'll have much better luck, and you'll end up happier and with a better chance at a real relationship.

[Cracker Jack]

Yes !!

Just Do It !! as the commercial used to say.

 

Like diving off a high board. You can stand there and think of all the things that might happen or go wrong, or just confidently approach and dive....

You see others dive off the high board (and go on dates) so there's no evidence to suggest you can't do the same (dive & dive into dating).

 

Of course there will be hazards, like someone water skiing or snow skiing for the first time, but you will learn to handle going over the wakes and moguls and with practice, you'll be able to master that sport.

 

Not gonna ignore the risks and that everything will go well for you (you have been isolated and not dated much, so you don't have a lot of practice in that), but it is worth the risk....

 

Women WILL say no and even if you get to dating someone, things appear to be going well, you've dated several weeks or a couple of months, but then she changes her mind...

Just don't take that kind of thing personally. You may change your mind later when you realize this woman you're seeing isn't what you're looking for.... so it works both ways.

 

 

 

While some say you have to be attracted to the woman, if you've never dated anyone and you're closing in on your 30s, just approach women who might seem receptive. You don't have to marry one of them, but just doing the dating will help make you feel comfortable with dating, will know how to handle yourself and what to say during dates, and give you that confidence you need.

 

Plus, the more you date, the more people you meet and find you have expanded your social circle. You find this when you and your date do other things outside of dinners and movies, say go to a community fair or somethng where you meet some of her friends, or you and her friends do things together.

 

May meet a friend of your date's and later, if you aren't dating that first woman, the other might represent a future opportunity...

 

There's a lot there, and I can say more, but this should help.

 

It definitely helps. Thanks.

 

I honestly can say my lack of confidence and always worrying about what could go wrong is where most of my issues lie. I've always been scared to fail (get rejected) with women, but now realize that by doing nothing, I'm still failing regardless; it's just a slower, more painful process. As they say, "Life is all about rejection", so it's not something that you can avoid. Some of my friends actually get rejected a good amount, but they're good sports about it and realize that it isn't the be all end all many make it out to be.

 

You definitely can't take rejections personally. I mean, I could see it hurting if it's from a woman you've grown close to, but I can't allow a stranger or fear of rejection to have that much power over me if I even hope to succeed.

 

I guess one of the last things I have to work on is how I approach. Not worried about the creep factor anymore, since it's subjective among women. I just want to be on my A+ game and not look like a total idiot. Guess that'll come with practice. If I try to think of the perfect thing to say in the moment, the overthinking would probably make me back down like usual. Just need to be more spontaneous.

[turnera]

Just need to be more spontaneous.

And be ready with a shrug and a grin and a sense of humor. It's not the end of world, right?

[Cracker Jack]

Couldn't agree more. I just want to have fun with it and not treat it as a succeed or die situation, like I do inside of my mind.

[Nerd4Noodles]

You sound like a sexy girl actually. Most guys would kiss your scars whether they be on your face or butt!

 

The guys who are 20+ virgins who are stressed about it did it to themselves by building everything out of proportion. I myself used to have no problem talking to girls in HS and College. The thing was the moment I decided a liked a girl even if I had been very natural with her and vibing the week before I became paralyzed to make a move. I made it seem as if the world would open up and swallow me if I failed. I didn’t want to be known as a creep/loser who goes around asking out women.

 

The fact is the moment I stopped caring so much about what people thought and just started doing the things I wanted to do I had fun and did good with women. There is no secret as a guy, you just have to relax and enjoy a pretty woman instead of stressing about if she likes you or not. Women love it when a guy is carefree and fun to be around. When they feel a guy is all stressed out and will freak out if things don’t work out things become awkward and scary for a woman. The guy who worries about creeping/freaking out women is only more likely to do it. Ask out the girls you like and don’t worry about being a creep, some girls will think you are a creep regardless and like I said worrying about being a creep is only more likely to make girls get creeped out anyways. The rewards a great for a man who has fun being with women and isn’t worried about rejection so he just talks and flirts with women whether it be the beach or the line for check out.

 

Girls have it easy from the view point of most anxiety ridden men because all they have to do is be out there and available to be asked out in some way and say yes. I mean I hate internet dating and recommend even less then night clubs/bars. The thing is whether it be internet dating or bars women have the men lining up. A man will never open up a dating profile and have hordes of women trying to get their number and arrange a meeting, it just won’t ever happening. A man will never go to a bar and have hordes of women trying to start conversations with them and invite them to do things. The thing is the majority of women have a lot more fear of rejection and other things then most men. I mean women don’t have to approach men and flat out ask them “What’s your name? Do you like bowling? Let me pick you up and take you bowling tonight?” I mean some women are that confident and they are rewarded immensely but for the most part the most confident thing a woman will do is smile at you maybe say “hi” or if you’re really lucky hand you their number and ask for a call. If a man hands a women their number or just smiles nothing will probably happen. (I mean better nothing though)

 

Also women like when a man is confident. Men enjoy confident women to. The thing is men also readily date unconfident women who always ask “do I look fat in this.” In fact men often talk about a pretty women who doesn’t realize she is pretty a good thing. I personally want my woman to feel beautiful I just don’t want her to be consumed by vanity. So women are also granted more leeway in that.

 

A woman who never has a bf/husband is often judged harshly in certain cultures. Men actually have no real harm done to their reputation for being labeled a creep/freak who goes after lots of women. In fact men get rewarded by getting that reputation. Women on the other hand can in some cultures including ours in certain small communities have real stigmas attached to reputations surrounding dating.

 

Here’s my advice to you. Just get out there! You seem like a sexy girl so if you just get out there an make yourself available to be talked to. Like by going to the beach or joining a club or class you are interested in people and men will find you. You have an avatar of a cup of noodles that has a panda pattern and is saying “oodles of noodles” that’s pretty cute. You’re a virgin and men actually enjoy that about women something about being first and teaching some one. They’ll find it sexy trust me.

 

Finally one of the things you are worried about scaring is a non issue for every man I’ve ever known. Just get out there and say “yes” when a guy asks you out even if your scared if you think their might be a chance. All you have to do is smile and maybe say “hi” to a guy you’re interested and you’re already above what most women do. It helps him break the ice and hopefully he has the balls to do the rest and you say yes to a date.

 

I've been meaning to reply back to this, but as life happens I couldn't. I wanted to say thank you for saying that I sound like a sexy person--I don't usually hear that often nor do I feel sexy often. I don't think I'm sexy at all. I'll admit to being, I guess, "cute" but even that is hard to say sometimes--like at this moment. And thank you for saying that men would want me even with all the scars I have. (I still can't truly believe that yet because I've never experienced anyone willing to do that nor do I have the guts to present myself for that opportunity). If women were told this daily I believe we wouldn't be in such a horrible state self-esteem wise.

 

I am willing to talk, maybe flirt, with men if I have the time. (I am usually overwhelmed with other things). When I do have the time I do socialize, and I am very quirky when people encounter me--don't know if that's a good or bad thing--and that has worked for me because, well, it's just who I am. And I can appear confident if I wanted to. My problem is body image.

 

The moment I look at someone who's attractive I immediately think "Oh, he probably wants a bombshell. He would never go for me." which I know is a defeatist attitude. I was talking to a friend who was looking at my old online dating profile on a site (long since deleted) and I was telling her about the guys that occasionally messaged me, and she would click on different guys profiles while I was showing her the site, and would pick cute guys saying "you should message him!" and I told her that I have a rating system. I rated myself as a 5 so I feel anyone above that is out of my league. So, that's just a little reason as to why I am the way that I am. I won't go on in to great detail of every reason why I do the things that I do, but I thought giving a glimpse could give a clue.

[Dust]

I've been meaning to reply back to this, but as life happens I couldn't. I wanted to say thank you for saying that I sound like a sexy person--I don't usually hear that often nor do I feel sexy often. I don't think I'm sexy at all. I'll admit to being, I guess, "cute" but even that is hard to say sometimes--like at this moment. And thank you for saying that men would want me even with all the scars I have. (I still can't truly believe that yet because I've never experienced anyone willing to do that nor do I have the guts to present myself for that opportunity). If women were told this daily I believe we wouldn't be in such a horrible state self-esteem wise.

 

I am willing to talk, maybe flirt, with men if I have the time. (I am usually overwhelmed with other things). When I do have the time I do socialize, and I am very quirky when people encounter me--don't know if that's a good or bad thing--and that has worked for me because, well, it's just who I am. And I can appear confident if I wanted to. My problem is body image.

 

The moment I look at someone who's attractive I immediately think "Oh, he probably wants a bombshell. He would never go for me." which I know is a defeatist attitude. I was talking to a friend who was looking at my old online dating profile on a site (long since deleted) and I was telling her about the guys that occasionally messaged me, and she would click on different guys profiles while I was showing her the site, and would pick cute guys saying "you should message him!" and I told her that I have a rating system. I rated myself as a 5 so I feel anyone above that is out of my league. So, that's just a little reason as to why I am the way that I am. I won't go on in to great detail of every reason why I do the things that I do, but I thought giving a glimpse could give a clue.

 

Even girls who are confident in their body and brains like to be admired for how pretty and smart they are. You could literally have a bullet would and guys would think its cool. Don’t worry about any scab scars or acne scars or wound scars or what ever it is. Guys will find it sexy.

 

Unlike women a lot of guys even find un-confidence sexy. The way women like to fix certain attributes of men, men like to give a woman confidence through safety and security. The thing is if you are so unconfident you refuse to even go on a date you’ll never meet a guy. Also if you are so down on yourself when you do date a guy you refuse to believe he finds you sexy, fun, beautiful you won’t enjoy dating him you’ll just worry. So, for yourself step out of your head and just be cool with being you.

[Nerd4Noodles]

So, for yourself step out of your head and just be cool with being you.

Yes, I agree. I need to step out of this cave of negativity and brave the fresh positive air. I've been trying to work on that. Each day is a struggle, but I am slowly getting better. Today I felt good for the first time in while. I had the feeling of not caring of the trivial matters anymore. It was wonderful--blissful, in fact. I don't know what came over me or how. I wish I knew because the minute I focused in on the negative--it happens always in a split second--I started reverting back to my old ways, and I lost that great feeling. I guess having that feeling for even moment is a good sign that I am improving.

[Dust]

Yes, I agree. I need to step out of this cave of negativity and brave the fresh positive air. I've been trying to work on that. Each day is a struggle, but I am slowly getting better. Today I felt good for the first time in while. I had the feeling of not caring of the trivial matters anymore. It was wonderful--blissful, in fact. I don't know what came over me or how. I wish I knew because the minute I focused in on the negative--it happens always in a split second--I started reverting back to my old ways, and I lost that great feeling. I guess having that feeling for even moment is a good sign that I am improving.

 

I see a guy in your near future. He will enjoy you immensely. He will do the kiss scar thing. He will also kiss you every where else.

[Nerd4Noodles]

I see a guy in your near future. He will enjoy you immensely. He will do the kiss scar thing. He will also kiss you every where else.

I hope Thank you.

[Floridaman]

Yeah, you are worrying WAY TOO MUCH.

 

Do you know what a girl wants more than anything?

 

Honesty.

 

Find a girl you like, get to know her, be yourself - in all your shy, goofy, nerdy, fun persona, let her know you're a virgin but that you'd like to get past it, continue to get to know her, hang out with her, then ask her out for a date. She'll remember what you said. She'll know you probably have in mind getting it over with, she'll be flattered you asked her out, go out and have fun - no pressure, and see where it takes you. If you two get comfortable enough, there will come a time when you can just say 'can I come in?' and see where that leads.

 

And by the way, PLEASE do not pick girls just on their looks. I raised my DD21 with this thought - the really good looking guys will probably be the world's biggest jerks. They always get everything they want, they get it EASY, and they lose touch with the real world - and they will treat you accordingly. Regular looking guys will be much nicer, down to earth, giving, and make a better partner. Now, she's really pretty, model pretty, but I raised her to look beyond that, and she's honestly one of the nicest people you'd ever meet despite that. So she can get a lot of dates. And she's tried dating both kinds - the hottest guy in school and what I consider the worst-looking guy in school. Nearly every single 'hot' guy she dated turned out to be a jerk (and the only one who wasn't, had family problems that kept him down to earth). And all her long-term boyfriends ended up being the regular guys, the nice ones.

 

So look for girls you have something in common with. Who share the same morality. Who are looking for the same thing. And who - because they

AREN'T the hot girls - don't have men pounding down their doors. You'll have much better luck, and you'll end up happier and with a better chance at a real relationship.

This is good advice.

 

But this part, have to disagree a little.

let her know you're a virgin but that you'd like to get past it, continue to get to know her, hang out with her, then ask her out for a date. She'll remember what you said. She'll know you probably have in mind getting it over with, she'll be flattered you asked her out, go out and have fun - no pressure, and see where it takes you. If you two get comfortable enough, there will come a time when you can just say 'can I come in?' and see where that leads.

Errrr....

Not so soon in the relationship.

 

Don't let one's virginity or lack of experience come up too early.

Save that info. for later when the two of you are emotionally closer and maybe have "made out" some (kisses etc.).

Even if you have sex with someone, don't say anything about your virginity until later.

 

The reason I bring this up, many guys think a woman will LAUGH at them or intimidate them if they learn the guy's a virgin, esp. those in their late 20s and 30s...

 

May post later my experience with my future wife, the first time we ML (it wasn't just sex, 4 mos. into our relationship).

May post who asked if who was a virgin.

She was mid-30s, me early 30s and "inexperienced." She wasn't a virgin (neither was I) but she wasn't "highly experienced" either, the kind of woman I wanted.

No, she didn't laugh...

[turnera]

The reason I bring this up, many guys think a woman will LAUGH at them or intimidate them if they learn the guy's a virgin, esp. those in their late 20s and 30s...

Maybe on your first date...but if you've been dating, why WOULD she laugh at you? I think you guys spend too much time comparing notes and deciding the 'truth' when you should just try things out on a girl. I can only think of maybe one or two girls I've known in 50 years who would laugh. And they're not nice to begin with.

[Floridaman]

Maybe on your first date...but if you've been dating, why WOULD she laugh at you?

You're right. You didn't say EARLY in the dating.

I think you guys spend too much time comparing notes and deciding the 'truth' when you should just try things out on a girl.

 

I can only think of maybe one or two girls I've known in 50 years who would laugh. And they're not nice to begin with.

That's true. I never had a woman try to belittle me for not being "experienced."

It was acutally the other way around: a 30 y.o. virgin I dated at 26 got visually upset and teary-eyed when I told her I had SOME experience (3X in HS, 2X 19-25).... Told her I regreted that, but she didn't seem comfortable with my response....

 

From what I've read on some of these boards, many guys appear intimidated by the fact they're virgins, though there's nothing wrong with being a virgin and having sex doesn't automatically make someone better than those who haven't.

 

This is the kind of thing I'm talking about:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170081&p=4686453&viewfull=1#post4686453

I'm CR/FL man in that thread and have tried to support some of those older virgins who think they're somehow "oddballs" for not having experience....

I didn't have "a lot" of experience either, so identify with them in that way...

[AKollegeGuy]

My counciler had me put on an anti-depressant a while ago. I'm not a fan of the 'take a pill' culture but I have to change. So far the pill has made me drossy and I've lost my appettite but a few days ago I felt...centered. Not happy but not sad either. There was no pressure, no feeling that I had to something right here and now to get a girlfriend or get laid because there was no tomorrow. It was nice.

 

Sadly the feeling did not last. Yesterday my depression fell into something that I dare say felt like being suicidal. A very painful sadness that diminished everything I had or was working for. But then I found an article online about some little things that stopped suicides such as a dog licking a guys ear or some lady in China who stopped a 16 year old from killing himself by giving him a hug and kiss. Reading that put an end to my sadness.

 

I feel that I'm making the steps forward, but the 'what-ifs' and the doubts about finding that special someone still plauge me. I still get that feeling that if a man isn't having sex at least once in a while then there's something wrong with him. I'm at a loss as to what I need to do now: become happy with myself somehow or find a girlfriend and see if that makes me happy. It's weird knowing that some guys can get girls like its second nature and some guys who will go there whole lives with no one.

 

That's my biggest fear, becoming the strange old man that never had a woman in his life.

[Calutaxi484]

 

I'm at a loss as to what I need to do now: become happy with myself somehow or find a girlfriend and see if that makes me happy.

 

You need to be happy with yourself before you can ever hope to be happy with someone else. Typically in a relationship it leads to codependency, and that's not something most people find to be a good thing.

 

Work on you first, then worry about finding a woman later.

[turnera]

I'm really glad you're on ADs. They will really help, if you get the right ones (sometimes you and your doctor have to experiment to find the right fit). And what you describe is exactly how it works. All of a sudden, you just...fit. Don't give up on it because it doesn't instantly take over your life - you still have to put in the therapy time; ADs by themselves rarely change your life without the therapy.

 

Re: the sex, I've seen many men whose wives are pulling their hair out because it's their husbands who don't want it all the time. There IS no 'true man,' ok? You just are what you are.

 

My DD21 is still a virgin; waiting for the right guy. Just this month got a boyfriend after almost 2 years alone (too busy with school), and she says she MAY consummate with him some time in the next 6 months (we talk about everything, lol), if he ends up being a serious boyfriend. But she's in no hurry and, frankly, neither is he. He went up to her college for the weekend and didn't even bring any condoms, cos he didn't want that to be on the agenda.

 

To me, that sounds like a good situation. Sex should only be an enhancement, not a goal. Don't make it a goal.

[Floridaman]

You need to be happy with yourself before you can ever hope to be happy with someone else. Typically in a relationship it leads to codependency, and that's not something most people find to be a good thing.

 

Work on you first, then worry about finding a woman later.

That's sound advice, Calutaxi.

 

KollegGuy,

You're just 25. That isn't really that old.

 

That's the age many shy guys "wake up" and realize they need to improve their social skills and date more.

Instead of fretting over your virginity, improve yourself and work on finding a good woman through dating.

[AHardDaysNight]

I am almost 29, and realizing that...my life isn't over yet.

 

Most people live to 90 or 100 today. You are 1/4th of the way through. That isn't too bad, OP.

 

Plus, people are dating way too young nowadays. It's better to date when you're older, and wiser.

[Dust]

It's weird knowing that some guys can get girls like its second nature and some guys who will go there whole lives with no one.

 

That's my biggest fear, becoming the strange old man that never had a woman in his life.

 

You don’t even try though!

 

We all become that strange old guy eventually if we live long enough. Don’t worry about that and just have fun.

[Floridaman]

people are dating way too young nowadays. It's better to date when you're older, and wiser.

While some marry right out of HS and in their 20s, many people are also marrying later.

I didn't meet my future wife until I hit 30... and married in my mid-30s.

She was 34 when we met, never-married but had been engaged in her early 20s...

 

My brother also married later, in his late 30s.

 

Trust me, would have preferred marrying earlier, but circumstances didn't permit, wasn't good at dating or the right woman didn't come along.

[esteem-jam]

<--- 27y old virgin =(

[AHardDaysNight]

While some marry right out of HS and in their 20s, many people are also marrying later.

I didn't meet my future wife until I hit 30... and married in my mid-30s.

She was 34 when we met, never-married but had been engaged in her early 20s...

 

My brother also married later, in his late 30s.

 

Trust me, would have preferred marrying earlier, but circumstances didn't permit, wasn't good at dating or the right woman didn't come along.

 

My cousin was in his late 20's before he got his first girlfriend.

 

He's now married, with a wife and kids.

 

I'm not saying that every instance ends up like that. But you can't throw your life away, just because you happen to be an XX year old virgin.

[danmorisson]

I'm 22 and a virgin but it doesn't bother me. Probably because I'm a virgin by choice, I've had chances to lose my virginity but didn't want to. I've had attention from girls all through my teenage years so I suppose it's different.

 

I don't think it's that important tbh. But that's just me, like you I am waiting for the right girl.

 

Doesn't bother me either. But being ugly bothers me. I want to at least have 1 female friend. Sick and tired of being ugly - just want to know what it feels like to be a regular person. Those who have acceptable looks have no idea what it feels lilke - utterly depressing everyday - feel suicidal on my bad days. You don't enjoy life that's for sure. I'm seriously considering building up the courage to seek surgery.

[Floridaman]

Doesn't bother me either. But being ugly bothers me. I want to at least have 1 female friend. Sick and tired of being ugly - just want to know what it feels like to be a regular person. Those who have acceptable looks have no idea what it feels lilke - utterly depressing everyday - feel suicidal on my bad days. You don't enjoy life that's for sure. I'm seriously considering building up the courage to seek surgery.

Don't go to thinkin' of yourself as ugly.

Gets to be like some women on these boards who post how they think THEY'RE "ugly."

When they post a pic link of themselves, most guys think they're attractive.