25 year old virgin

[FredRutherford]

I’m a 25 year old virgin, as the title says. At first I just didn’t go after women because I believed that I would eventually find the right girl for me. After 25 years, I realized that was not going to work. Now I’m in my last leg of Graduate school with no girlfriend, no sex life, and no clue how to get those things. My first kiss was from a girl that was guilted into it and so far the only girl that ever flirted with me was just using me to make my friend jealous.

Commenting on your opening post, Mr. OP:

 

You really haven't been unsuccessful at dating for 25 years.

More like 7-8 years, since your teenage years into college and beyond.

That's a far cry for a quarter a century.

 

Just trying to put a positive spin on things.

[FredRutherford]

Originally Posted by alethean

Yeah, I can see how this type of thinking might impede your progress. Do you have female friends? What are your redeeming qualities (if any) and why do you feel you have to lie?

I feel I have to lie because I just don’t know why a girl would fall for me.

You shouldn't feel you have to lie about your sexual past.

Most woman won't think less of you for not having had a lot of sex.

Not the kind of woman you'd want to date, at least.

 

Indeed, many people respect or admire men and women who haven't taken advantage of every opportunity they had to get laid.

 

Never think less of yourself for your actions, as long as they're proper.

 

 

I’m not popular, I’m not sexy looking, I’m not even proud of the accomplishments in my life, to me they’re just stuff I did, no more important than tying my shoelaces in the morning. I don’t want to ruin some girl’s life with my problems.

 

....

 

As for my redeeming qualities, well I’m a college graduate soon to be a grad student graduate. I have no history of drug abuse or alcoholism. I’m working on a thesis that looks promising. I have some really good friends and family. Other than that I can’t think of anything rather remarkable about me.

Surely you have more redeeming qualities. Every person does.

 

Just like if you were composing a resume, trying to attract interest among employers, you'd want to phrase a resume and cover letter the best way possible.

 

Sit yourself down and write out all of your personal and professional accomplishments, your qualities, your characteristics, how you did well in college and HS, how you're a hard-worker with a strong work ethic, a friend, a good listener, someone who gets along with others well, etc., all the good and positive things about yourself.

 

If you can't think of any, enlist a friend or cousin for help.

 

Once you crystalize your personal accomplishments, start thinking of those positive things instead of the negative ones.

 

This could help you with your career as well.

[ZimboGon]

Did you ever watch the 40 year old virgin? That guy had a happy ending, you can too

[AKollegeGuy]

Please tell me you're not seriously considering something that extreme.

Am surprised someone else didn't catch this sooner.

 

I am considering it. Don't worry, I doubt I'll have the guts to actually do it, but living my life has been torture for years and I refuse to be like that the rest of my life. Or becoming worse. I've seen the bitterness and hate in others who are alone as well. On this forum and others. Men who suffer from crushing loneliness that turns into contempt for women and people in general. Some of the stuff they say is rather disturbing and almost borderline psychopathic. I would rather die than sink that low.

 

As for the list of my accomplishments, well I know what I'm doing is not something to sneeze at. College degree, Grad school with high grades, a thesis that my instructors are interested in, and soon to be someone with a Master's Degree. I have parents who love me and each other and friends who care about me but...and I know I sound greedy and ingrateful but...it's not enough and it doesn't make me happy. I want a woman in my life who loves me but...it seems so impossible. I can't even tell if a woman is interested in me or is just being friendly.

 

I just want to stop feeling lonely and bitter and angry and depressed and all the other crap emotions. I just want to stop being me.

[screwup]

The getting laid part is easy. I'm not a good looking guy at all, plus I'm overweight, don't have much money and still live with my parents but I have the internet. Just sign-up on a couple dating sites and start messaging girls. It's understood why people are on those sites so if they're responding to you, there has to be some degree of interest.

 

Now the finding love part is definitely difficult but if a dirtbag like myself could find it, anyone can. I never cared about relationships and actually thought like you, that I'd just kill myself in my 30s-40s after my parents passed away and live a life of drunken debauchery while waiting on my expiration date. The life altering experience for me was meeting the only girl I've ever loved, and was in love with her from the night I met her. Very random.. but I guess that's the way it works.

 

You're getting a good education, which should lead to a solid career. Sounds like you've got a good thing going.. certainly not hopeless.

[FitChick]

My 4 bros are sitting single and they are way better looking that I am

 

So obviously it has nothing to do with looks. Since you grew up in the same family, perhaps you all are equally dysfunctional and that is why you are all single.

[AKollegeGuy]

Last weekend I had a bit of a meltdown. What happened was that I had forgot to pack my meds for the trip home to watch the super bowl. I was off it for two days and on Saturday night I basically flipped my lid. I was trying to sleep when I realized I was not just feeling depressed but also panicky. I woke up my mom and the next thing I know I'm basically crying over my misery and broke reusable water bottle. All of this was due to withdrawal as I was also nauseas and feverish too, but to my parents, it was a wake up call because aside from being bitter and snarky, I never really broke down in front of them before. It shook them up a bit and now they think that more needs to be done to help me out. Another thing that hit me was that my best friend who drove us home pointed out that I have always been a bitter ball of tension since he first knew me in 7th grade, long before I came to college. I thought I was on a path to finding the true me but my friend thinks the real me is what I am now, bitter miserable, and deeply cynical about myself and life.

 

Right now I'm working on my thesis experiment so I keep pretty busy, but I have no clue about what I'm going to do once I get my master's degree. My thoughts of suicide are becoming more reoccurring and my folks are asking if I am truly thinking about carrying it out to which I honestly replied, yes.

 

I'm seeing a councilor, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, I'm taking anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, and sleeping pills to help me not stay up all night wondering and worrying. But I don't feel any better.

 

What else could I do to get myself out of this pit?

[Dust]

If it were me I'd get off the meds you've become adicted to and just ask some girls out. Have fun again. Stop worrying so much.

[FredRutherford]

Another thing that hit me was that my best friend who drove us home pointed out that I have always been a bitter ball of tension since he first knew me in 7th grade, long before I came to college. I thought I was on a path to finding the true me but my friend thinks the real me is what I am now, bitter miserable, and deeply cynical about myself and life.

Don't believe everything you read, nor everything your friends tell you.

You may respect your friends and they may be right about many things, but they're not right about everything.

 

While a friend might earnestly want to try to help you, a real friend wouldn't say that kind of stuff.

If that stuff were really true, a real friend might say,

"I know you may not want to hear this, but you need to relax a little and.... I am here to try to help you. I know a woman you may want to meet and date... "

 

Last weekend I had a bit of a meltdown. What happened was that I had forgot to pack my meds for the trip home to watch the super bowl. I was off it for two days and on Saturday night I basically flipped my lid. I was trying to sleep when I realized I was not just feeling depressed but also panicky. I woke up my mom and the next thing I know I'm basically crying over my misery and broke reusable water bottle.

 

All of this was due to withdrawal as I was also nauseas and feverish too, but to my parents, it was a wake up call because aside from being bitter and snarky, I never really broke down in front of them before. It shook them up a bit and now they think that more needs to be done to help me out.

....

 

What else could I do to get myself out of this pit?

 

 

You seem to be in a funk or fog.

Many go through that kind of thing.

And many have risen above their circumstances.

 

If it were me I'd get off the meds you've become adicted to and just ask some girls out. Have fun again. Stop worrying so much.

 

Dust is right. You need to pick yourself out of your problems and move to a better level.

 

Am not a counselor and don't have experience with depression, but please tell your counselor about your problems and consideration of suicide.

That's not the way to go. No one benefits from an early exit.

 

Please consider how that would affect your family, your parents.

And how the girl that's waiting for you may never meet you...

 

If this counselor won't help you, find another.

 

*********

Kollege Guy, you appear to have bigger problems than being a 25 y.o. who hasn't had a woman sexually yet, which shouldn't be a big crisis.

< < < < Many of us didn't do well with women either until later, like in our late 20s and 30s...

 

 

Wish you the best.

And do try to meet more women.

Edited February 8, 2012 by FredRutherford

[Fasteddie]

well AKollegeGuy, i understand what u are going though, the loneliness you feel everyday. People around you telling your it's going to be fine and u'll soon be fit and healthy go out and meet girls. But sometimes being a man u have to man up son, feeling sorry and sad for yourself is one thing, but don't want to change and wanting a instant fix is another.

 

No one can help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, YOU will want to change for the better, you will want to have a better life, and ONLY you can do it for yourself. Plus u have a full life ahead of you; a young man, well educated, good family and friends. You are so much better off than many many of us. Do you see the homeless man on the street worried about unable to find a gf? he's trying to find his next meal and worry where to sleep next week.

 

After you see the real struggle that everyday normal people have to face in the REAL life on a DAILY basis. Unable to find a gf will be the last of your worry.

 

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start going to the gym, eat healthy and stop taking that damn medicine that doctor is giving you! find a hobby, and most importantly do things that you enjoy that's where you will find like minded people and good companions.

 

Hope this helps you

[Ross MwcFan]

well AKollegeGuy, i understand what u are going though, the loneliness you feel everyday. People around you telling your it's going to be fine and u'll soon be fit and healthy go out and meet girls. But sometimes being a man u have to man up son, feeling sorry and sad for yourself is one thing, but don't want to change and wanting a instant fix is another.

 

No one can help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, YOU will want to change for the better, you will want to have a better life, and ONLY you can do it for yourself. Plus u have a full life ahead of you; a young man, well educated, good family and friends. You are so much better off than many many of us. Do you see the homeless man on the street worried about unable to find a gf? he's trying to find his next meal and worry where to sleep next week.

 

After you see the real struggle that everyday normal people have to face in the REAL life on a DAILY basis. Unable to find a gf will be the last of your worry.

 

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start going to the gym, eat healthy and stop taking that damn medicine that doctor is giving you! find a hobby, and most importantly do things that you enjoy that's where you will find like minded people and good companions.

 

Hope this helps you

 

How does someone 'man up'?

 

How does someone 'dust themselves off'?

 

How does someone 'pick themselves up?'

 

I hear so many people dishing out this kind of advice, but they never explain how to do these things.

[Ross MwcFan]

Do you think the homeless man shouldn't feel down and complain, because there'll be someone in the world worse off than him?

[somedude81]

Do you think the homeless man shouldn't feel down and complain, because there'll be someone in the world worse off than him?

That thought has always bugged me. Simply because no matter how bad you have it, somebody will always have it worse. And just because somebody has it worse, you can't feel bad?

 

Frankly, I wonder why the people who have it really bad just don't kill themselves.

 

If everyday your life is a living hell, why keep going? For the hope that it will one day get better?

[xisnotx]

If it becomes a decision between ending your life, or getting laid, then get laid. Buy a hooker if you have to...seriously, sex isn't THAT great, that if you're not having any, you should off yourself...not when it's like, what $400?, for the alternative. So, if push comes to shove, you know you're not offing yourself regardless...you'll just lose your virginity to a prostitute. Hell, save up and up and get a classy one...wine and dine her...why not?

 

Now, the better alternative to this would be just to figure out how to do it "organically". And you want the truth? No man ever knows how this is done exactly...people just fall into it for the most part.

 

I guess, in steps, it would go like this.

1) talk to girl

2) like girl

3) spend time with her

4) make it clear you'll take her

5) take her

 

Honestly, after you spend time with her, and make it clear you'll take her, she'll want you to (or make it exceedingly clear that she won't let you). Wash and repeat and it shouldn't take you more than 3 or 4 girls to get what you're after...especially for a 25 year old. Your range is like from 28-20...that's nearly a decade of sex that you own. Us guys down here fight for your scraps lol

Edited February 13, 2012 by xisnotx

[somedude81]

1-4 are easy.

 

Problem is, that there are about a thousand steps between 4 and 5.

 

Getting a hooker and just getting laid isn't enough, especially if one wants intimacy and companionship. Also, having any sort of regular sex life is impossible if you have to spend $400 each time.

[Sabs1023]

:)Let me say as a 28 year old virgin I applaud you. I could have slept around if that was all I wanted to do but I have no doubt it will be a million times better if I just wait till the right one comes along. I have to admit I find it a major turn on for you to admit your a virgin. Don't think that all ppl will think it a bad thing. It's a lot better than wondering what type of STD"s you're carrying around. Don't do as all these ppl are saying. If you get drunk just to satisfy your physical desires you'll regret it when the alcohol wears off. Do you really want to look back and say well I was a virgin till 25 and then let it go? Stand up be a man and be proud.

[FredRutherford]

 

Getting a hooker and just getting laid isn't enough, especially if one wants intimacy and companionship. Also, having any sort of regular sex life is impossible if you have to spend $400 each time.

 

Have always advised guys not to visit hookers.

Won't do them any good and they'll find they feel even more low after the deed.

 

Yes, she allows you to do things you've always wanted to do with a woman, but hooker sex, like casual sex, is just an "in and out" kind of deal.

It goes by VERY quickly.

You'll get some vagina all right, but find you release very quickly, like within a minute.

 

That's not really "lovemaking."

 

You'll also realize you can't tell her romantic things (like you wanna) nor tell her how you love her bec. you hardly know her. Speakin' from experience here (casual sex).

 

While I had some sex when I was single (not much, was a lot like some of you guys), it was all very fast and never got to express my feelings.

Didn't really "make love," where you put your heart, your soul, your passion and your body into the other, until I met my future wife...

[xisnotx]

1-4 are easy.

 

Problem is, that there are about a thousand steps between 4 and 5.

 

Getting a hooker and just getting laid isn't enough, especially if one wants intimacy and companionship. Also, having any sort of regular sex life is impossible if you have to spend $400 each time.

 

By "take her" I mean "physically move into position and commence the commencement". If you can move, you can do this. It's probably the easiest step of the five.

 

Spending time with her is the hardest. Some can very demanding...and lengthy. I'm talking 6 months of just being with her...I can't even stand myself for 6 months...let alone 6 months of talking about girl stuff (and some girls are crazy).

 

The love and companionship thing, I can't help you. I have no idea what those concepts even mean.

 

I've always wanted to buy an "I'm a virgin" t-shirt and hit the bars...I'm sure you'd get a lot of attention. The balls it would take to do so would be worthy of some action...hell, even I'd help you there.

[xisnotx]

If it's a choice between suicide and a hooker, the hooker should always win. But yeah, I'd assume it's empty (never been, personally).

[Ross MwcFan]

That thought has always bugged me. Simply because no matter how bad you have it, somebody will always have it worse. And just because somebody has it worse, you can't feel bad?

 

Frankly, I wonder why the people who have it really bad just don't kill themselves.

 

If everyday your life is a living hell, why keep going? For the hope that it will one day get better?

 

Maybe they have some sort of supreme mental strength, and can still remain positive and feel good (wish I was able to do that), others wont have enough guts to kill themselves and/or worry about hurting loved ones (These are the reasons for why I haven't killed myself).

[FredRutherford]

Maybe they have some sort of supreme mental strength, and can still remain positive and feel good (wish I was able to do that), others wont have enough guts to kill themselves and/or worry about hurting loved ones (These are the reasons for why I haven't killed myself).

 

What's your story, Ross?

Am sure some of the guys might be motivated by your's, if you don't mind telling if you're a virgin in his 20s...

[Ross MwcFan]

What's your story, Ross?

Am sure some of the guys might be motivated by your's, if you don't mind telling if you're a virgin in his 20s...

 

Well, I've got to go now. But I'll tell it tomorrow.

[AKollegeGuy]

 

You seem to be in a funk or fog.

Many go through that kind of thing.

And many have risen above their circumstances.

 

Dust is right. You need to pick yourself out of your problems and move to a better level.

 

Am not a counselor and don't have experience with depression, but please tell your counselor about your problems and consideration of suicide.

That's not the way to go. No one benefits from an early exit.

 

Please consider how that would affect your family, your parents.

And how the girl that's waiting for you may never meet you...

 

If this counselor won't help you, find another.

 

*********

Kollege Guy, you appear to have bigger problems than being a 25 y.o. who hasn't had a woman sexually yet, which shouldn't be a big crisis.

< < < < Many of us didn't do well with women either until later, like in our late 20s and 30s...

 

 

Wish you the best.

And do try to meet more women.

 

Believe me, I've been trying to get more positive. Luckily my thesis experiment is currently keeping me business from going into another tail spin. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes my medications. An anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety pill, and a sleeping pill. I talked to him about my episode and he just told me that was normal for going off the stuff cold turkey. He doubled the dosage of my anti-depressant and...well that's pretty much all he did

 

I've been educating myself about why I act the way I do, so starved to be with someone and then very nervous and frightful when something even resembling an opportunity comes by. This stuff is from the internet so I've taken it with an enormous amount of salt. There was one thing about love-shyness, on how men who were alone because they did not want to face rejection. A lot of what it said made sense to me, especially on how I perceive the world. Unfortunately it did not have any answers that seemed effective.

 

It's funny, some days it doesn't bother me that I've never had a relationship at my age, and then there are days where it just gnaws at me. But no matter what day it is, nothing I do or accomplish means anything to me. Nothing makes me happy.

Edited March 1, 2012 by AKollegeGuy

[AKollegeGuy]

Last weekend something happened that never happened to me for so very long.

 

I had fun.

 

Allow me to explain, a girl on my floor at my dorm decided to go out on the town because her loser boyfriend broke up with her. They were thinking about getting engaged this upcoming weekend and instead he ended it. She along with two other girls, one of the girl's boyfriend, my roommate and myself all went out.We didn't go to a club or a bar or anything like that, but it would take too long to say everyplace we went, but it was a long night.

 

At one point the girl confessed between shots of UV and eating a whole onion(don't ask, long story) that she felt utterly hopeless and that she never felt so unsure about what to do with her future. I told her, to snap her out of her funk, that I was a 26 year old virgin with zero love experience and that I, nother, am what truly constituted as hopeless and that I would trade places withher in a heartbeat, because she had something at one time. Instead she told me that she would rather take my place because I have never been hurt by anyone and that I was the type of guy that would never make a girl cry.

 

As per my cynical nature, I am still not completely sure if she truly saw it that way, but it did help me a bit. When I told he about my plans on killing myself when I turn 27, she made me pinky swear to not do it if she moved on with her life without her ex. While she did see him a time or two again, and slept with him one last time (another long story) she has started dating again

 

While I was not so pleased about her and her ex (of which I voiced my concern) she understood my concern and told me that I'd make a great dad. (Infact the whole floor has designated me the 'dad' of the hall).

 

Anyway, to put myself back on track. The outing we all took I did enjoy because I was a part of the group, not just tagging along. It was nice.

 

My suicidal thoughts do keep coming, but it was good to hear a girl telling me I had hope instead of councilors, friends, and family. With them I just think they're just being nice or pumping me with false hope. But to hear it from someone of the opposite sex who I never really knew until that day, it seemed more real. At least that's how I thought of it.

[somedude81]

It's great that you went out as part of the group.

 

But the whole being a great dad stuff, eh....