25 year old virgin

[Eeyore79]

I think it's pretty universally accepted that virginity isn't accepted by women.

I wish you would stop perpetuating this myth. My boyfriend was a virgin when I met him; I wasn't turned off in the slightest, and I appreciate his honesty and courage in confessing his virginity to me. If a decent woman cares about you she's unlikely to be bothered whether you're a virgin or not.

[AKollegeGuy]

Hi. First off, I have known many men that stayed virgins way past age 30. You're not alone. Also, I think for most of these men, it was the fact that they were very shy, and late bloomers in their early teens. When all the other 15 year old boys were trying to get a kiss, or a girlfriend you were probably still doing other things and not concerned with that. When 18 year olds were trying to get laid, you were probably just starting to think about "first kiss" and by then all the girls were looking for the guys wanting to get laid, not for the guys with the first kiss. By the time 21 comes around, many of those guys have already had the first kiss, the touching, the sex, and more than once, they're confident and past the shy stage, and now here you are, still shy. Is this pretty much how you are feeling? Like you got left out somewhere?

 

It's probably not going to make you feel much better to tell you this but the biggest problem is that you are at an age where everyone else in your peer group has already had sex thus you are naturally going to feel left out, but that does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Okay? It just means you were not ready or you didn't find that person that was meant for you to connect with. By this I mean someone who was a good fit for you in personality- the type that leads to relationships.

 

My best advice is this; treasure yourself, do not think negatively about not having had sex yet, and start surrounding yourself with people who you feel more comfortable with. There are lots of nice girls out there that you can chose from to be friends with and trust to talk to. You don't need to have sex to lighten up so that you can have more sex. What that means really is once you have sex it wont be such a big deal anymore and you will find your confidence to kiss and flirt. That's not always the case, trust me.

 

Just relax, find yourself, and what you love to do, get away from those people who are sex addicts and rubbing it in your face.

 

You just haven't found the right person yet that makes you feel comfortable, that's all.

 

You've definitely hit the nail on the head with that one. Originally, back at the beginning of high school, me and a friend agreed to wait until marriage until we had sex (with our respective wives). It felt good having morals and not lowering ourselves to the guys who just “hunted tail”. That changed when near the end of high school my friend suddenly had a sex life that he was bragging about and I was left out as the virgin.

 

Just as no two people dance the same, or look the same, no two people should go about relationships the same. If I was a girl looking for my "perfect guy" and I met this guy who was "pretending" to be outgoing and I later found out he was super shy I'd be very confused, and probably tell him "You should have just been yourself."

 

I think being "who you are" is the best bet. There's my advice.

 

By the way, no I have not heard "Stories" from guys. My understanding of "all people" is intuitive. I don't claim to know a lot but I use common sense, love, understanding and my own intuition in all the things I write.

 

But you are right, it is mostly common sense.

 

I do have a strong sense of things to say to people, and I do appreciate both positive and negative feedback. Thanks!

 

As much as I hate to be negative (I'm trying to cut back) I've been me for all my life and so far it doesn't seem to be working.

 

You should be yourself when you talk to girls. Talking about vulgarities right off the bat like you do with friend you are familiar with would probably be disrespectful. But if that really the way you are and what you enjoy talking about that’s the way you need to be with women eventually. Even with your friends you had to get by that awkward getting to know you phase. You didn’t just meet some one and ask them to smell your finger etc. It is ok to make little jokes that you enjoy like “that’s what she said.” You need to enjoy your interaction with the girl because if its like pulling teeth what is the point? Be yourself and stop making excuses, that’s just the fear talking. Be yourself and you’ve overcome your fear. This applies to more then just women.

 

If you were honest you would realize you do know what you want. You’re confusion all stems from fear. One voice is what you want, the other voice is fear trying to make up every excuse in the book.

 

Being a blank slate is a good thing. You aren’t a blank slate though. You are afraid and its time to overcome that fear. Good luck you have this in you. You’ve already won once you start trying.

 

Sadly fear is also what keeps me from enjoying anything. There's a girl at work who may or may not like me (I am horrible at reading those things. I can never tell is a girl is being nice to me just to be nice or if its something more) and I instantly panicked. I don't know exactly why, but whenever something like that happens I panic and become tense and the feeling won't go away. Once I felt panicky and tense almost everyday for four months over the possibility of a girl calling me during the entire summer break.

 

Why am I like this? Why do I feel so bitter and angry over being alone but when the possibility of a girl liking me comes up I suddenly have an urge to run and hide and wish to be back to my old miserable self?

Edited June 8, 2011 by AKollegeGuy

[TheLawmaker]

I know what you mean about being yourself, and it not working.

 

However, you shouldn't get down on yourself for it. Everyone matures at different rates. I am maturing later than everyone else, and so are you. But someday we'll both catch up.

[SpiralOut]

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I think when you talk to women it is best to approach it as getting to know someone. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't expect too much. If you don't expect her to like you, you won't be disappointed if she doesn't. And if she does end up liking you, then that is a sweet bonus for you. You don't need to be perfect right now because you are still learning. Think of it as practising.

[TheLawmaker]

Some women genuinely won't care.

 

But good luck finding them, in this sex-obsessed society!

[KR10N]

Needle in a haystack.

I guess this makes me the needle. lol.

[Katzen]

Something that caught my attention the other day...

 

Everytime my mom sees a couple my age (I'm 16) she just says "Oh, they're too young for that". Which is kind of a turn down. Still, I find I don't need a relationship by now.

I'll probably be a late bloomer as well.

 

I hope that by 20 so I have found someone. Never lose hope, probably there's a girl in your same situation.

 

I am the guy who is friends with everyone but won't go further, neither me or a girl. I've been told once by one that I'm scared of love (which I kinda am!)

[Dust]

Something that caught my attention the other day...

 

Everytime my mom sees a couple my age (I'm 16) she just says "Oh, they're too young for that". Which is kind of a turn down. Still, I find I don't need a relationship by now.

I'll probably be a late bloomer as well.

 

I hope that by 20 so I have found someone. Never lose hope, probably there's a girl in your same situation.

 

I am the guy who is friends with everyone but won't go further, neither me or a girl. I've been told once by one that I'm scared of love (which I kinda am!)

 

Stay off the internet it will pervert you. You might find some one this weekend. Just have fun.

[Floridaman]

deleted. Duplicate.

[Floridaman]

Y Hell, I didn't get my first kiss till 23 and that was only with a girl I "dated" for two weeks. I'm 29 now and haven't kissed a girl sense then. Though I'm not a virgin because I used other methods to get sex.

 

It's one reason why I'm only interested in girls 19-22. Girls my age expect more.

Methinks that's a critical mistake.

While some women may expect more, many closer to your age or a little older, if they developed a relationship with you, would care and love you.

 

Try to look to women your age or maybe 2-5 years older. Those older women seem to be more interested in forming relationships.

The younger ones are often immature and don't know what they want. Plus, they have more options and more guys calling on them.

 

At least that's what I found in my mid-20s when I tired of trying for the women a little younger than me -- the ones still in college or just out of college.

 

At 26, realized the older women might be wanting a husband, and I really wanted a relationship and to get married.

So I dated women that were a little older than me. Had much better luck and soon found my future wife, a woman 3 yrs. older than me.

 

What a man struggling with women needs to do is; force himself to be outgoing, talk to a lot of girls, ask them out, and not be afraid to show that he likes them.

 

And doing the above is not easy, as I am struggling with it. But I keep trying. If I give up it's game over.

That is good advice.

Please post that and read some of the other advice given in this thread I started,

For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269779/

 

Originally Posted by LeaningIntoTheMuse

I think it's pretty universally accepted that virginity isn't accepted by women.

I wish you would stop perpetuating this myth. My boyfriend was a virgin when I met him; I wasn't turned off in the slightest, and I appreciate his honesty and courage in confessing his virginity to me. If a decent woman cares about you she's unlikely to be bothered whether you're a virgin or not.

Agreed.

There's nothing wrong with a man or woman being a virgin at any age.

It's a matter of life choices, opportunities and the kind of person you are and what you bring to your life and how you live it.

[Seeking_California]

People tell me to go out more and talk to women and be more confident, but how? Where does the confidence come from?

 

I think in all the things you've talked about, though there are all valid concerns, you should focus on this, and I quote: "where does the confidence come from?"

 

I of course don't know you so it would presumptuous of me to assume I am in a position to tell you what you should do with your life.

 

But I can talk about myself. I can tell you that for all I went through in my life I never found confidence, or any of the positive forces that help us to get through **** in our lives, looking elsewhere.

 

I had a long hard look at myself (oh how cliche, but so very true) and decided that there were many things that were good about me but I also didn't like many many things about myself.

 

I worked to bring out the positive aspects of my personality and I am still trying to work on those less than positive aspects (How you might ask? calling myself on my own BS!). And I like myself more just because of this!

 

The whole exercise was so good to my confidence and I certainly respect myself more.

 

But better of all, I know myself so well! So when someone try to call me on my less than positive aspects I don't feel like ****, I think "well, tell me something I don't know. Sorry. Working on it". And I really am. Every day.

 

You see what I mean?

 

If I am not making any sense, let me be straight here: there is no shortcuts. If you want to resolve the issues you have in your life you need to get to work. it doesn't mean that you need to do it by yourself.

 

Your post here, in my opinion, is a huge step. perhaps the most difficult one.

 

But honestly, do you really think that being a virgin is the greatest of your problems? if that was the case I am sure you'd have sought less romantic sources for sexual release (Yes, a hooker).

 

what is it really that you want?

 

PS- I am 26, not religious, and I wish I was a virgin.

[Seeking_California]

So wait, you're saying that being assertive and giving her real, tangible clues that you are sexually interested might eventually lead to getting some actual stanky? LOLOLOL, whatevs.

 

Next you're going to tell me that a boob doesn't feel like a bag of sand.

 

You know, I am thinking about moving to the US and I'd be going alone... but you guys are scaring me!! Why is dating so complicated in your culture?

 

Do I need to learn baseball before putting myself out there? hahah!

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[Seeking_California]

Talk to women the same way you talk to your friends, minus the vulgarities and crude jokes.

 

Seriously though, it is not difficult. You will find that women, in general, will do most of the talking for you.

We like to hear ourselves talk.

And we like being around men.

We like to hear ourselves talk while being around men.

 

Just be yourself and relax. We are humans, not monsters who want to eat you alive.

 

And just a side note: Please try talking to the really gorgeous smart girl who is always reading or working on papers at the local coffee shop. PLEASE! After you've gotten a little comfortable and confident, PLEASE try it at least once. SHE WANTS YOU TOO!

 

your post was funny and positive. and so very true.

[AKollegeGuy]

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I think when you talk to women it is best to approach it as getting to know someone. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't expect too much. If you don't expect her to like you, you won't be disappointed if she doesn't. And if she does end up liking you, then that is a sweet bonus for you. You don't need to be perfect right now because you are still learning. Think of it as practising.

 

I can talk to women if its just stupid small talk, but I have no clue on how to be flirty without sounding desperate, creepy, weird, or any combination. Seduction is beyond me and if I just keep talking to women like I am, nothing is going to change and I'm going to stay a miserable virgin the rest of my life.

 

I think in all the things you've talked about, though there are all valid concerns, you should focus on this, and I quote: "where does the confidence come from?"

 

I of course don't know you so it would presumptuous of me to assume I am in a position to tell you what you should do with your life.

 

But I can talk about myself. I can tell you that for all I went through in my life I never found confidence, or any of the positive forces that help us to get through **** in our lives, looking elsewhere.

 

I had a long hard look at myself (oh how cliche, but so very true) and decided that there were many things that were good about me but I also didn't like many many things about myself.

 

I worked to bring out the positive aspects of my personality and I am still trying to work on those less than positive aspects (How you might ask? calling myself on my own BS!). And I like myself more just because of this!

 

The whole exercise was so good to my confidence and I certainly respect myself more.

 

But better of all, I know myself so well! So when someone try to call me on my less than positive aspects I don't feel like ****, I think "well, tell me something I don't know. Sorry. Working on it". And I really am. Every day.

 

You see what I mean?

 

If I am not making any sense, let me be straight here: there is no shortcuts. If you want to resolve the issues you have in your life you need to get to work. it doesn't mean that you need to do it by yourself.

 

Your post here, in my opinion, is a huge step. perhaps the most difficult one.

 

But honestly, do you really think that being a virgin is the greatest of your problems? if that was the case I am sure you'd have sought less romantic sources for sexual release (Yes, a hooker).

 

what is it really that you want?

 

PS- I am 26, not religious, and I wish I was a virgin.

 

I do see what you are getting at here and I've made some of those revelations myself which makes me feel a little better...for a few days. Then I go back to my dark place because I'm still not happy. Being a virgin is something that truly gnaws at me. Everywhere I go I see sex and the world says to me 'Everyone has sex, its no big secret, its not hard to get. What's that? You can't get sex? Then there's something horribly wrong with you.' And I'm not talking about television or movies. My friends and even people I just met basically talk about their sex lives like their talking about their cars, no big deal.

 

As for hookers...well that's not really an option for me. Don't know how to get one, not crazy about blowing cash on a girl to pretend to like me, and I don't like the idea of becoming part of something that is vilified and illegal.

 

But to boil it all down, what I want is to stop feeling worthless and a freak everyday. To not lock up with anxiety and fear whenever something happens that causes change in my life. To not be looked down on as 'the virgin'.

[Seeking_California]

But to boil it all down, what I want is to stop feeling worthless and a freak everyday. To not lock up with anxiety and fear whenever something happens that causes change in my life. To not be looked down on as 'the virgin'.

 

Good. So we have a short list of really meaningful issues. One that you can actually work on.

 

AKG, may be I honest? I hope your answer is yes, because here it goes ...

 

As much as this threat was a valid initiative this has become nothing but a pity party.

 

We all mean well of course, but we don't know you and we have no idea how deep your suffering runs.

 

I see your response to most of the advises is pretty much "I see your point and I've tried that but it is more complicated than that"

 

And right you are. It certainly is more complicated than that.

 

This is all a good 7 page long pep talk but ultimately you will need to take some serious actions to put your life where you want it to be.

 

You have real valid concerns and as much as I'd love to send you a magic pill, truth is there are no short cuts.

 

You need real help and there is no shame in that. And you know I am not talking about your sexual life.

 

What you are asking for AKL is nothing more than you deserve: you want to be comfortable under your own skin. For real, because believe me there are a lot of people faking all that self-confidence out there.

 

And you can get there.

 

Question is, are you prepared to do what it takes?

 

You are so very young... educated and have your life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

[AKollegeGuy]

Good. So we have a short list of really meaningful issues. One that you can actually work on.

 

AKG, may be I honest? I hope your answer is yes, because here it goes ...

 

As much as this threat was a valid initiative this has become nothing but a pity party.

 

We all mean well of course, but we don't know you and we have no idea how deep your suffering runs.

 

I see your response to most of the advises is pretty much "I see your point and I've tried that but it is more complicated than that"

 

And right you are. It certainly is more complicated than that.

 

This is all a good 7 page long pep talk but ultimately you will need to take some serious actions to put your life where you want it to be.

 

You have real valid concerns and as much as I'd love to send you a magic pill, truth is there are no short cuts.

 

You need real help and there is no shame in that. And you know I am not talking about your sexual life.

 

What you are asking for AKL is nothing more than you deserve: you want to be comfortable under your own skin. For real, because believe me there are a lot of people faking all that self-confidence out there.

 

And you can get there.

 

Question is, are you prepared to do what it takes?

 

You are so very young... educated and have your life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

 

Thanks for the honesty. It’s refreshing to get a cold dose of truth. I am trying to change. I’m getting out of the house more and setting up times to go out with friends who are trying to help me out too. I’ve even set up counseling at my college which should be kicking in soon. I am looking to get better.

 

Unfortunately something also happened a few weeks ago that made everything I thought about what I needed get jumbled up. My best friend’s girlfriend, who believes I just need to get laid in order to get over all my little demons, said that she could set me up with a girl she knew from work. Instead of feeling hopeful, excited, or even less miserable, I slipped into a panic attack. The dreaded ‘What-if’ scenarios played in my head. What if she likes me? What if she asks for my cell phone and calls and texts me nonstop? What if she wants a serious relationship? All this from a possibility of meeting a girl. My best friend’s girlfriend told me to just laugh it off, yet this turn truly gripped me.

 

I am now more unsure of what to do than ever because it almost seems that I'm going to run myself into the ground no matter what happens to me

 

I want to get better. I want to change. I want to be able to experience a relationship and sex and love and all they entail, both good and bad.

 

My greatest fear is that I won’t.

 

What can I do to stop this type of thinking?

[Floridaman]

I am trying to change. I’m getting out of the house more and setting up times to go out with friends who are trying to help me out too.

This is good.

 

Unfortunately something also happened a few weeks ago that made everything I thought about what I needed get jumbled up.

 

My best friend’s girlfriend, who believes I just need to get laid in order to get over all my little demons, said that she could set me up with a girl she knew from work.

You should view things like this as opportunities.

Maybe not meet someone just for sex, but ask your best friend's GF to see if she knows someone you could go out with...

Instead of feeling hopeful, excited, or even less miserable, I slipped into a panic attack. The dreaded ‘What-if’ scenarios played in my head.

 

What if she likes me?

 

What if she asks for my cell phone and calls and texts me nonstop?

What if she wants a serious relationship?

What would be so bad about any of that?

 

Methinks you do want a serious relationship, so her liking you wouldn't be bad.

Now, someone shouldn't be clingy and constantly contact the other. That's bad for either end, but still, you could get a relationship if you play your cards right...

 

Again, don't go for a woman just for sex. Or for a ONS.

That cheapens or devalues a relationship and think it will ultimately be worse for you if you go that route...

All this from a possibility of meeting a girl. My best friend’s girlfriend told me to just laugh it off, yet this turn truly gripped me.

You let your fears get to you.

Let go of your fear and take a step of faith and put yourself out there to meet ladies.

So you're nervous.

Just think of it this way: The woman you date may not have a lot of dating experience, may be shy, etc., as well....

 

So you make a mistake in conversation, mix things up like AMTRAK and ANTRHAX (the poisonous gas). Just laugh at your mistakes and say something like, "I never was good at chemistry."

 

She'll laugh too and more importantly, see your sense of humor and your true personality come through, and you'll engage her further in conversation and get closer to forming a meaningful relationship.

I am now more unsure of what to do than ever because it almost seems that I'm going to run myself into the ground no matter what happens to me

 

I want to get better. I want to change. I want to be able to experience a relationship and sex and love and all they entail, both good and bad.

 

My greatest fear is that I won’t.

The good thing is that your recognize you need to change.

 

....Don't just stand on the high diving board...

[Ruby Slippers]

What can I do to stop this type of thinking?

You are talking a lot about anxiety and panic. You have an inflated sense of fear around the idea of women and relationships, and this is the real root of your problem.

 

There are many philosophies and practices that can help you identify the causes of your fears and manage the exaggerated reactions to the feeling of fear -- counseling, Buddhism, meditation, self-help.

 

Start doing some reading about anxiety in all its forms. Research some books and get a good one. There are many highly effective techniques that can be employed to counteract it.

[Dust]

Thanks for the honesty. It’s refreshing to get a cold dose of truth. I am trying to change. I’m getting out of the house more and setting up times to go out with friends who are trying to help me out too. I’ve even set up counseling at my college which should be kicking in soon. I am looking to get better.

 

Unfortunately something also happened a few weeks ago that made everything I thought about what I needed get jumbled up. My best friend’s girlfriend, who believes I just need to get laid in order to get over all my little demons, said that she could set me up with a girl she knew from work. Instead of feeling hopeful, excited, or even less miserable, I slipped into a panic attack. The dreaded ‘What-if’ scenarios played in my head. What if she likes me? What if she asks for my cell phone and calls and texts me nonstop? What if she wants a serious relationship? All this from a possibility of meeting a girl. My best friend’s girlfriend told me to just laugh it off, yet this turn truly gripped me.

 

I am now more unsure of what to do than ever because it almost seems that I'm going to run myself into the ground no matter what happens to me

 

I want to get better. I want to change. I want to be able to experience a relationship and sex and love and all they entail, both good and bad.

 

My greatest fear is that I won’t.

 

What can I do to stop this type of thinking?

 

Just stop thinking about it.

 

If you really feel you need to talk to some one may you could talk to people on your team or a coach if you play sports. If that’s to uncomfortable maybe some one at your church or you could pay a counselor of some sort.

 

Really I wouldn’t want to hook up with a girl just for sex. I would want to go out with some one I found attractive and wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with. Basically you need to find some one you are excited about. Now get out there and do something. Big actions.

[Winterly]

I’m also a 25 year old virgin, but I'm happy. Anyway, I think we girls should love ourselves. We can make our life meaningful by ourselves.

[bson1257]

I'm a 26 year old virgin and its really starting to get to me. I have a lot of physical and mental issues that have prevented me from dating and meeting women. If i dont lose my virginity by the time I turn 30 I may just be tempted to jump in front of a train.

[robaday]

I was a v until 25. If I told my friends they would never believe me because for the last near 5 years Ive been quite popular. And yes, I had exactly the same fears/false beliefs.

 

The first time was nerve wracking, and the second, and really it took about 6 months to get over myself. Because thats what its really all about - its getting over yourself. Its like when I was young, I used to think when I walked into a room everyone was looking at me, and Id blush. But really, who am I to think that everyone would look at me? once you realize that everyone else is caught up in their own ****, you can come into yourself. Theres nothing unique about you, but then theres nothing unique about that gorgeous blonde with long legs and a short skirt in the corner....shes a human so are you, nothing to be scared of.

 

I guess the point I reached was realizing, like another poster said, that women are human too, and believe me they have some serious insecurities themselves. On dates, they are just as concerned about how they are coming across as how you are coming across.

 

And once you realize that, you can be comfortable. I remember going out on a date with someone once who was gorgeous, smart intelligent. She really liked me, and we kissed at the end. Dya know what? I skipped the second date because I was scared, scared ****less. She told me years later she was gutted I didnt call her back. Weird hey? I still look back and wonder, id spent so long worrying about myself that i had no idea she was nervous too!

 

And thats the point. Never put anyone on a pedestal. Especially if you dont even know them.

[somedude81]

It's so annoying how getting women seems to be nothing more than a numbers game.

 

Try & fail, try & fail, keep repeating till somebody says yes. Nobody is special.

 

I don't even know what my motivation should be anymore. I am trying to get a girlfriend, but every girl I have considered for that role has rejected me. I feel like I'm wasting too much time and energy actually getting to know a girl first if she's going to reject me anyways, no matter what I do.

 

Should I be asking out girls just because they are pretty and I might want to have sex with them? How soon should I ask out somebody after I meet her? And how do I get over the multitudes of rejections that's going to give me?

[Floridaman]

Somedude,

Don't worry so much about the sex right now.

When you meet women, don't immediately think about having sex with her. One reas that sets up a fantasy in your mind that likely bears little resemblance to reality.

The other problem with thinking of sex too soon is it distracts you from your goal to get her to go out with you.

 

Take it easy in the first meeting and don't take it personally if you get rejected. Just move on to the next one.

 

And when you do get a date with her, again, don't think so much about sex or gettibg a kiss.

 

When I woke up at 25, I dated as many women as I could and gained a lot of knowledge on what women are like and how I should best handle myself on dates. You'll soon see what you want (and don't want`) in a woman. You'll also feel more confident about yourself.

 

I have this feeling that you'll be getting onto the dating cycle soon.