couples who dont argue (ever)

[sniffys]

well upon observing some of the posts here, ive learned that fighting constitutes about ..a lot of bitterness between couples. are there couples who dont fight, and if they dont, are they happier?

i think me and my bf fought a lot ..cause i was jealous a lot, i didnt like him going to bars..didnt like his ex..had a lot of rage in regards to those. after a huge fight a few weeks ago i decided to not argue with him anymore. maybe i can find an outlet..take it out on pillows..cold showers..watch movies..re-arrange my closet. i havent checked his email in a long time but i did a few mins ago and saw that he deleted everything except my emails and i looked at the deleted bin and saw some notifications of his ex gfs bday from websites he used to be a member of. i feel like i dont wanna care too much anymore..and maybe we arent supposed to care too much. how do you grin and bear it and "let it go"?

 

when i was younger my parents used to fight a lot, i'd wake up in the middle of the night and freeze, can hear it and see it (if u know what i mean) cause we were all in the same room (me and my sis insist we wanted to sleep in the same room - sleeping bag on the floor) its really traumatic. i dont want this to happen to my own kids, i wont let it.

Edited April 6, 2011 by sniffys

[carhill]

One potential is differences in how we perceive disagreements. My parents often disagreed, but didn't yell or use foul language to make their points, or use physical violence. So, I was socialized to discuss things and forward my opinions for consideration. My exW often thought we had 'arguments' but I saw them as discussions. She grew up in a household with a lot of yelling and some physical violence, so I would presume that, emotionally, when she saw us disagreeing on a topic, she perceived it would escalate into that same dynamic, so she would often disconnect and disengage, essentially ignoring the issue and myself. So, this leads me to believe that socialization has something to do with our intrinsic style of handling issues.

 

Personally, I think disagreements and varying viewpoints and opinions are a natural part of interpersonal relationships in general, and especially intimate relationships where the partners know each other's 'stuff' and connect on an elemental level. Each partner has choices in how they handle such dynamics. What choice will we make today?

[xxoo]

If you never confront, in order to avoid arguments, how will issues be resolved?

 

On the other hand, there are couples who argue a lot, and never resolve anything.

 

The trick is to learn to "fight fair", and also to actually resolve the issues so that they are put to rest. If you can manage that, I believe it is very beneficial for the kids to see you sometimes disagree, argue respectfully (ok to be emotional, but still respectful), and work it out.

[xxoo]

One potential is differences in how we perceive disagreements. My parents often disagreed, but didn't yell or use foul language to make their points, or use physical violence. So, I was socialized to discuss things and forward my opinions for consideration.

 

Crossposted with carhill--but I agree with whole post. Especially love the bolded. Our kids are definitely comfortable "forwarding their opinions for consideration"

[carhill]

I think the key difference is in 'style'. I never got the message of how to use demeaning tools of calling people names or otherwise 'pushing buttons' to 'win' arguments. I only observed strong opinions about the *subject*. Get it out, work it, resolve it, move on.

 

Though they likely do exist, I haven't met and can't honestly imagine two people who could live their lives together and *never* have a disagreement. Maybe they don't disagree in public or in front of their children, but I trust it all comes out somewhere

[Hanther]

I think the key difference is in 'style'. I never got the message of how to use demeaning tools of calling people names or otherwise 'pushing buttons' to 'win' arguments. I only observed strong opinions about the *subject*. Get it out, work it, resolve it, move on.

Sometimes I am guilty of this, I fear. Sometimes when we disagree about something that I feel passionately about, I want HIM to be passionate about it. To argue with me, to understand its importance. When he doesn't, I will sometimes curse or call him names just to get *some* kind of response...to make him realize how important it is to me. I wish I could figure out some way to impress the importance of something without resorting to that.

 

Granted, this happens extremely rarely. We debate things all the time in a fun, rational way and that is usually how we argue. I couldn't imagine a relationship where there were NO arguments. I love to debate. It's how we find the truth.

[Eve]

We tend to talk the serious stuff through and laugh at the rest. I am more stubborn and will out rightly tell Hubby when I don't like him. Mostly he is not that bothered and carries on as normal and woos me back. When I get on his nerves, he tells me and I pretty much do the same.

 

Never argued. Just not the arguing sort, I suppose. Just had two serious talks where we could have split up very early in our marriage.

 

The rule we have is to not go to bed in a bad mood and not to have big talks in bed about anything because my Hubby can't handle it. He says this is what his ex would do and nothing got resolved that way.

 

With the kids if we need to talk about something we tell them early in the day to give them time to construct an argument or defence. Then we talk about it later at a specific time, usually after dinner for big stuff. My youngest teen wanted to have more of a screaming family (like the messed up friends homes she frequented for a short period of time) that was a challenge because I grew up in a dv household. We carried on with the calm discussion times and she eventually grew out of the drama phase.

 

So, to summarise, be honest when you don’t like something that has gone on but agree a method and place to discuss matters. Try to keep some sense of humour within the discussion and don’t cross boundaries if there is something that a partner really hates (such as discussing things in bed in my example).

 

.. Try not to let things disrupt your sex life.. H'm, maybe this was a reason why Hubby didn't like any big talks in bed? I know his wife withheld sex a lot, lot, lot, then had an affair. So try and resolve things before bedtime.

 

OP, I hope the above does not sound patronising because the issues you mentioned are quite serious in comparison to anything I have spoken about.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[shane147]

My wife and I (married 15 years ago as teenagers) argue quite often. I would say that we have minor arguments almost every other day, with a blow up once or twice a week. Unfortunately, they are generally very over emotional and unproductive. The problem isn't necessarily what we are fighting over, moreover that we have a terrible time finding resolution. Typically, we fight, ignore, fight some more, ignore... then finally make up, with the problem still remaining for a later date. Now, I feel that we are divided because of lots of resentment and this inability to not only move forward, but to move forward and really work on our problems, not just ignoring them and assuming they will go away. Our sex life suffers, and most of all, the worst thing is that we seem to have created a culture of screaming in our family. No violence, just lots of yelling and tension.

 

My suggestion to anyone reading this is as follows:

 

Learn to communicate and solve problems before you get married or into a serious relationship. It is possible, but perhaps a good reason to avoid marriage at such a young age.