The dreaded break up talk :-(

[D-Lish]

It's happening tonight. We've already decided that things aren't working out, and I'm going to pick up my things and drop of my keys tonight.

 

I dread this.

 

Things just haven't recovered after my miscarriage, I've been a bit crazy, and he's been really cold and distant. The bottom line is that neither of us are happy.

 

I'm so sad, I really liked this guy a lot, but things have really fallen apart in the last month.

 

I know I'm going to be back here later tonight in tears:(.

 

I really pushed him away in all my sadness after the miscarriage, and as much as I tried to right things after the smoke cleared- I think the damage had been done already.

 

I'll update you later...

[Lil1]

I wish you the best D-Lish! Stay strong tonight, and above all keep the conversation honest and from the heart with him tonight. Try and part ways in a respectful and decent way. I know how hard it is to end a relationship so my thoughts will be with you tonight. Best of luck!

[Little_Bee]

I wish you the best. It's difficult to face the other person but it's best to get it over so that you can start to recover and heal.

 

Just post here when ever you feel sad, it really helps to write it down.

[Star Gazer]

Damnit, D. My hearts hurts for you. We're here. xoxo

[cerridwen]

So sorry, D-Lish :(:(:(

[threebyfate]

I'm really sorry to hear this, D. ((hugs)) and a shoulder if you need one.

[D-Lish]

Damnit, D. My hearts hurts for you. We're here. xoxo

 

Thanks everyone

 

I knew it was coming- but ugh, the thought of being single for another 5 years before finding someone I really like sucks.

 

I've been avoiding this because it's been so nice to not be alone after such a long absence from the dating scene- but the bottom line is that despite having someone, I still feel lonley. I think that's worse than being alone.

 

I've done this before and I got through it. I just have to find the strength to go through this again.

[jerbear]

Sorry to hear.

 

Take a girlfriend along, or any friend along; they can help.

[westernxer]

Those breakup talks are no fun. Good luck!

[D-Lish]

Well it's not happening tonight. I just talked to him and he has a wicked cold so I told him I'd come by on the weekend if he is feeling better.

 

There is no animosity between us, so waiting a few more days isn't going to make a difference.

 

I have never gone through a break up like this. There has always been anger involved which has made it easy. With us, it's just a lot of sadness. I know both of us like one another, but we clearly aren't making one another happy.

 

Having to go through the accidental pregnancy and then miscarriage really threw a wrench into what was a really cool developing relationship.

 

The pregnancy made me really needy and emotional- and I just hated being that girl. I don't think either of us knew how to deal with the other person during that time.

 

We tried to pull things together after- but how do you just go back to normal after something like that? Maybe if we had been in an established relationship, we would have weathered better, but we were such a new couple when all this came about.

 

I'm just sad.

[Kamille]

Big hug D! Here for you.

[johan]

It won't be 5 years, D. You've broken through some of the hangups you had and after a few weeks you'll be ready to try dating again. Don't let yourself just sit and wait for it this time. Not that you're in a state of mind to really think about dating, but still.

 

There's always the possibility that you and he need a reset, and after some time passes you'll feel like giving it another chance.

[D-Lish]

Big hug D! Here for you.

 

Thanks Kam.

 

I wanted to get this out of the way tonight so I can start grieving and go into NC- but I didn't want to catch his cold.

 

Now we're just bantering over text and I told him to feel better- and his response was "thanks sexy"... Something he hasn't said in a while.

 

At least Survivor is on:rolleyes:

[D-Lish]

It won't be 5 years, D. You've broken through some of the hangups you had and after a few weeks you'll be ready to try dating again. Don't let yourself just sit and wait for it this time. Not that you're in a state of mind to really think about dating, but still.

 

There's always the possibility that you and he need a reset, and after some time passes you'll feel like giving it another chance.

 

Yeah, maybe you're right J.

 

We tried to take a break before- but it never materialized... We just went from limited contact back into trying to date again. I think we really need a solid period of time apart to really figure out what we both want.

 

I dunno, 3 months ago I truly thought he was the one. Then so much happened and things went downhill so quickly.

 

I was off today, so I spent most of the day with anxiety, just thinking and stressing about what it's going to mean to be single AGAIN. I don't want it, but I don't want to go through the process of getting to know someone again either.

[johan]

Maybe he was just practice for Mr. Right. You might be right on top of your game now, even though you don't feel especially good at the moment.

[sb129]

Really sorry to hear about this D. I read back over your last thread and I'm so sorry about the miscarriage, that must have been awful for you.

 

Stay strong- you know you can get through this, even though it might not be easy at times.

[Kamille]

I was off today, so I spent most of the day with anxiety, just thinking and stressing about what it's going to mean to be single AGAIN. I don't want it, but I don't want to go through the process of getting to know someone again either.

 

One step at a time D. Like Johan said, it won't take another five years. Just be patient with yourself right now. There's no need to rush to dating. Take the time to mourn the end of a relationship that was important to you.

 

But what's up with hey sexy? Sounds like it's going to be a bittersweet goodbye. I'm sad for you guys.

[VJohnson32]

I was off today, so I spent most of the day with anxiety, just thinking and stressing about what it's going to mean to be single AGAIN. I don't want it, but I don't want to go through the process of getting to know someone again either.

 

Thats just depressing, have you considered you might be suffering from Monophobia? Whats wrong with being single? Dating has become such a hobby lately.

[Fufu]

Hugs, I know you are a strong person and I believe you will be fine again.

 

I can't see myself being single after my ex broke up with me, and I realize now, I'm enjoying being single. Dating is kind of far back in my head now but I do know when the love comes, I will be able to do it again.

[D-Lish]

One step at a time D. Like Johan said, it won't take another five years. Just be patient with yourself right now. There's no need to rush to dating. Take the time to mourn the end of a relationship that was important to you.

 

But what's up with hey sexy? Sounds like it's going to be a bittersweet goodbye. I'm sad for you guys.

 

I don't know Kam, he used to call me sexy all the time. But when I started putting on weight and getting puffy during the pregnancy, I felt gross and told him to stop calling me that because I didn't feel sexy. It's been a long time since he said it. I lost a ton of weight afterward- from stress and from my body returning to normal.

 

It is bittersweet, this break up.

 

It's 100% all about the turmoil caused by the pregnancy.

 

I caught him in a couple of lies after the miscarriage. One lie involved him going to a bar- which sent me into insecure mode. It's the fact that he lied about going to a bar and I had to find out because his friend made a common in front of me about "omg, remember how hammered you were when you did "this" at (insert bar name)"... I immediately thought, why would you lie about going to a notorious pick up bar in our area if you didn't have something to hide- perhaps some intentions... That was just one of many, many little pockets of drama. He had told me he was playing poker at a friends house that night- but had gone to a bar instead. The biggest issue I had with that was- wow, that was 2 days after my miscarriage that you went to that bar and lied about it. I started to develop all this resentment over that. To think that while I was at home in pain, my body and my mind- that he would have rather been hammered with his friends at a bar.

 

Things went down hill after that. I mean, it was 2 days after my miscarriage, my only night off- and he wanted to be in a bar. How invested can someone be in someone if that was where they wanted to be after a pretty serious ordeal with their partner? I haven't been able to shake that since I found out. I haven't been overly nice or understanding with him since I found that out.

 

The problem is, I've been punishing him for that particular incident since I found out, and it's really pushed him away. And let's face it- He obviously didn't feel safe enough to tell me he wanted to go and blow off steam with his friends. It's because I was being overly needy when I was pregnant.... and he became afraid of my reactions... so he started to tell little lies about what he was doing.

 

We both played a part in this, and we both have a lot of issues with one another because of it. We both have resentment- and that's a hard thing to overcome.

[Kamille]

Resentment is hard to overcome. You guys went through so much so soon in the R.

 

I would have a hard time understanding his lie too. You're far from being someone who's irrational and impossible to talk to. If anything, you're one of the most understanding person I've met.

[daphne]

I'm sorry to hear that DLish. I know how difficult it is to find someone that you like, cos I'm the same way. I wish you the best of luck.

[D-Lish]

Resentment is hard to overcome. You guys went through so much so soon in the R.

 

I would have a hard time understanding his lie too. You're far from being someone who's irrational and impossible to talk to. If anything, you're one of the most understanding person I've met.

 

Thanks Kam- actually thanks a lot for saying that.

 

I am really approachable in real life too- but when it comes to romantic relationships, I have an irrational side I don't have in my friendships, work relationships or cyber relationships.

 

I spent a long time in a career where I counselled people- and I was always praised as being "that person" that the clients wanted to come back to for more counselling. In my friendships, I am the person everyone calls to get their head on straight.

 

Romantic relationships? I suck at. I've always had trouble letting men in.

 

Honestly, if he had have said "D, I need to blow off steam after this ordeal too, so I'm going to go out with my buddies tonight"... I would have been less upset (still upset though, because I really needed him). The fact that he knew what he was doing ahead of time, the whole thing was planned, and he lied- just made me feel suspicious and insecure. I haven't been able to shake the idea that as soon as I miscarried, he felt relief, and wanted to jump into the dating scene. That's how I framed his night out with the boys in my head.

 

I don't want to be that girl that's a controlling nag- I want to be that girl that my bf can't wait to see again.

 

This guy has issues with communicating, ON TOP of an ex that was overly controlling and mean. When you put our residual issues together and try and make a match- we keep failing one another. Frick, throw an accidental failed pregnancy on top of that and you've got a break up.

[Kamille]

 

Honestly, if he had have said "D, I need to blow off steam after this ordeal too, so I'm going to go out with my buddies tonight"... I would have been less upset (still upset though, because I really needed him). The fact that he knew what he was doing ahead of time, the whole thing was planned, and he lied- just made me feel suspicious and insecure. I haven't been able to shake the idea that as soon as I miscarried, he felt relief, and wanted to jump into the dating scene. That's how I framed his night out with the boys in my head.

 

 

His issues brought out a side of you you didn't like. What bothers me about what he did is that it sounds like the very reason he lied is because he knew you needed him. If he had said, "I'm going out with my buds, I need to blow off steam", you could have said " I would appreciate it if you were here for me now" and, well, you might have fought - but you might also have found a compromise. He chose to lie instead of facing a potential conflict.

 

After nearly 2 years with bf, I'm now of the opinion that how couples handle disagreements is what makes or break a relationship. But in the scenario you describe, you never even got a chance to express that you needed him.

[D-Lish]

His issues brought out a side of you you didn't like. What bothers me about what he did is that it sounds like the very reason he lied is because he knew you needed him. If he had said, "I'm going out with my buds, I need to blow off steam", you could have said " I would appreciate it if you were here for me now" and, well, you might have fought - but you might also have found a compromise. He chose to lie instead of facing a potential conflict.

 

After nearly 2 years with bf, I'm now of the opinion that how couples handle disagreements is what makes or break a relationship. But in the scenario you describe, you never even got a chance to express that you needed him.

 

 

I hear you K,

 

But meh, even worse- I had told him I needed him- I made a specific vulnerable plea telling him I was so looking forward to us being together and reconnecting on my night off after what happened- and he bailed, on purpose- 2 days later.

 

I literally didn't have a day/night off during this. I had the mc, it was my day off- went to my doc, had my tests- then went to work the next day. I was so looking forward to being with him on my only night off. I just wanted to be with him- he didn't want to be with me. Wow, did/does that realization hurt to this day.

 

I have to frame this and let people know that he was around 100% physically while I went through this- and I really do think he needed to blow off steam- but the timing sucked.

 

Does he love me right now? Not sure. Not the way I need right now.

 

I had a freak out after the whole night club incident- and I broke up with him. We worked it out because I made the effort- but he's been distant since then.

 

Just so much drama, ya know? I'm at fault he's at fault, but in the end- I don't feel like he values me as a prize Kam, and as you and I have talked about before- that's the ticket, right?