The dreaded break up talk :-(

[broken-and-lost]

Hey my heart goes out to you really hope tomorrow is a better day, and sorry for your loss.....

[threebyfate]

Not outwardly. He made a few comments in passing which led me to believe he didn't get a whole lot of love or validation from his parents.

Is it possible that he has loved but doesn't recognize it since he's not had any role models to base this on? Or has he learned to turtle his love due to fear, a form of preemptive rejection?

 

I woke up this morning to a text from him that came in at 230am- but it was blank. Weird.

Might be any number of reasons:

• Accidental text like the accidental calls.
  
• A bid for attention since guys like that hate the feeling of becoming invisible especially when they're feeling lonely.
  
• Reaching out to you in a passive-aggressive manner, in the hopes you will respond with a question.
  

[D-Lish]

Is it possible that he has loved but doesn't recognize it since he's not had any role models to base this on? Or has he learned to turtle his love due to fear, a form of preemptive rejection?

 

 

Might be any number of reasons:

• Accidental text like the accidental calls.
  
• A bid for attention since guys like that hate the feeling of becoming invisible especially when they're feeling lonely.
  
• Reaching out to you in a passive-aggressive manner, in the hopes you will respond with a question.
  

 

I don't know what the core issue is to be honest, but I'm assuming the latter to be true.

 

I think when I asked him for space after the mc that he immediately went into protective mode- because he changed significantly after I suggested space. When he finally broke up with me, he used my same words against me. He said when I suggested space that it got him thinking we weren't right for one another. I think it was then that he shut down, and eventually shut off. I think he decided then that he wasn't going to keep his heart open to me. It seems to me that when he thought I was leaving him, it probably hurt, and when I came back to talk a few days later, the wall was already three quarters built.

 

Everyone told me not to make any major decisions immediately follwing the mc- you included... But I did react, only to change my mind a few days later. By then, it was too late, the damage had been done I think.

 

Regardless, we had such a breakdown in communication. I remember the night we talked after I told him we should take space, I went to his place 3 days later and he was so cold. Admittedly, I would have been the same way. I asked him if he wanted to work on things and he kept saying "well you said we aren't right for one another" over and over. At one point he asked me if I wanted to make it work and I told him "of course, I love you like crazy". He softened immediately, lept across his couch on top of me like a little kid with the biggest grin and hugged me tighter than he ever had. In that moment I felt like he'd had a guard up, but hearing me say I loved him, seemed to give him such a huge sense of relief.

 

However, things never got back on track after that. We had a night of huge passion that night, and then he gradually started to pull away over the course of the next month.

 

I think I did irrepairable damage when I asked for space after the mc. I think I activated his fears of rejection and he wasn't able to reconcile with it.:(

 

As for the blank text, I can't imagine him ever reaching out to me in any form. I think he's the type of guy that once he makes a decision, he sticks with it. My I phone sometimes sends texts because it jostles around in my purse.

[D-Lish]

I really miss him today, Sundays are going to be the hardest- because they were always the day that was always just about us.

[Art_Critic]

Hey D.....

Try and make Sunday about something new....

Go shopping every Sunday at homedepot and look for tools....that is what I used to do

[threebyfate]

Sending good vibes your way, D. Breaking up is tough.

 

Art's got a good idea about shaking things up and creating new routines. Retail therapy can be a lot of fun!

[D-Lish]

lol, I've been shopping like crazy this past week!

I have the place to myself tonight so I am going to make a nice healthy dinner.

 

It's hard not to wonder what he is doing- but I am trying to not think about it.

[threebyfate]

Yes!! Make yourself a lovely meal, one that suits your taste specifically. Plan it, go shopping for the ingredients, make it and spoil yourself.

 

Catch up on your reading with fluffy novels or rent some awesome movies.

 

After one disasterous situation, I went crazy shopping and since I'd been stupid enough to back out of a trip with friends prior, flew to Vegas on my own. Had a marvelous time with no one else to please and came home with a profit, then spent it all shopping!!!

[D-Lish]

I went to florida on a whim for x-mas by myself the last time someone hurt me. I wish I could pick up and leave now, but so much is going on with work.

 

I knew today would be a tough day. As I said in response to your post about where his issues come from, I feel responsible for awakening those fears in him when I asked for space. I know I shouldn't keep practicing so much blame- but I am kicking myself for pushing him away.

[xpaperxcutx]

I went to florida on a whim for x-mas by myself the last time someone hurt me. I wish I could pick up and leave now, but so much is going on with work.

 

I knew today would be a tough day. As I said in response to your post about where his issues come from, I feel responsible for awakening those fears in him when I asked for space. I know I shouldn't keep practicing so much blame- but I am kicking myself for pushing him away.

 

How about a mini- spa to relieve stress? You might not be able to hop on a plane right now, but I'm sure you can take an hour out to pamper yourself. I hope you're feeling better, D.

[threebyfate]

Let's play worst case scenario and say it was true. So, let's pretend that you were able to take that back and everything remained hunky dory and you continued for another year or two, investing more and more.

 

Then, something major hits the fan and you say something that hurts him. What then?

 

You already apologized and yet, he was unable to recover after only a couple of days. The guy's emotionally fragile, not someone you would ever be able to rely on.

[D-Lish]

Let's play worst case scenario and say it was true. So, let's pretend that you were able to take that back and everything remained hunky dory and you continued for another year or two, investing more and more.

 

Then, something major hits the fan and you say something that hurts him. What then?

 

You already apologized and yet, he was unable to recover after only a couple of days. The guy's emotionally fragile, not someone you would ever be able to rely on.

 

I know that's true. In my heart I know even if he came back to say he made a mistake- we couldn't ever go back. I couldn't ever go back.

 

Yes, I became emotional and needy when I was pregnant, and when the crap really hit the fan, he bolted. I could never reconcile with the fact that he left me in my time of need.

 

That guy I was so happy with in the first few months? We didn't know each other yet, and that's why we were able to be happy.

 

I know I have to stop blaming myself, I don't know how to go about doing that:o

[threebyfate]

I know that's true. In my heart I know even if he came back to say he made a mistake- we couldn't ever go back. I couldn't ever go back.

 

Yes, I became emotional and needy when I was pregnant, and when the crap really hit the fan, he bolted. I could never reconcile with the fact that he left me in my time of need.

 

That guy I was so happy with in the first few months? We didn't know each other yet, and that's why we were able to be happy.

 

I know I have to stop blaming myself, I don't know how to go about doing that:o

Instead of looking at it as a situation about blaming, just accept that he'll never be able to meet your needs which in retrospect, weren't that much to expect from anyone.

 

Beautiful girl, he's not for you. He needs a safe harbour mother figure who will take care of him like the emotional child he is.

[johan]

Blaming yourself may be a way of feeling in control of what happened. It could be that it's easier to deal with the idea that it was your fault than it would be to face the fact that it was due to factors you couldn't control. In order to avoid this pain in the future, you look for the faults you had that contributed to the breakup.

 

The idea is that you want to learn how not to do those things again. But you probably don't even know what your contribution to the failure was. It could be that your contribution was as much due to things that are good about you as due to things that are bad about you. It could be it would have failed even if you were perfect. So you want to try to "fix" yourself but might be missing the mark altogether, and making those kinds of changes is hard anyway. The irony is that you're probably just heaping baggage upon yourself and will end up no better prepared for the next relationship.

 

And I think many people learned as children to try to please their parents. The more responsibility to you took for things going wrong when you were young, the more likely you are to assume the blame as an adult.

 

Who knows. Just try to stop. It wasn't your fault. The things you are focusing on could be endearing traits to another guy. The important thing is to try to have a positive outlook on life, regardless of your relationship status.

[D-Lish]

Blaming yourself may be a way of feeling in control of what happened. It could be that it's easier to deal with the idea that it was your fault than it would be to face the fact that it was due to factors you couldn't control. In order to avoid this pain in the future, you look for the faults you had that contributed to the breakup.

 

The idea is that you want to learn how not to do those things again. But you probably don't even know what your contribution to the failure was. It could be that your contribution was as much due to things that are good about you as due to things that are bad about you. It could be it would have failed even if you were perfect. So you want to try to "fix" yourself but might be missing the mark altogether, and making those kinds of changes is hard anyway. The irony is that you're probably just heaping baggage upon yourself and will end up no better prepared for the next relationship.

 

And I think many people learned as children to try to please their parents. The more responsibility to you took for things going wrong when you were young, the more likely you are to assume the blame as an adult.

 

Who knows. Just try to stop. It wasn't your fault. The things you are focusing on could be endearing traits to another guy. The important thing is to try to have a positive outlook on life, regardless of your relationship status.

 

Thanks Jo,

 

What you said about the blame and control makes a lot of sense! And I was that kid that thought everything was my fault. It's a hard cycle to break.

 

Really, what I should be doing is treating this as a loss, grieving over it, and moving forward. All of the blame I'm accepting isn't helping me now, and it won't help me in the future.

 

Essentially, i've wasted a Sunday giving all of my energy to a man that for whatever reason, doesn't love me.

[alphamale]

lol, I've been shopping like crazy this past week!

did you get some nice shoes?

[D-Lish]

Instead of looking at it as a situation about blaming, just accept that he'll never be able to meet your needs which in retrospect, weren't that much to expect from anyone.

 

Beautiful girl, he's not for you. He needs a safe harbour mother figure who will take care of him like the emotional child he is.

 

I know that T, and I know he is a weak man. It never would have worked- never. I need someone with a lot more strength than he had.

 

It's the rejection that hurts so much.

[D-Lish]

did you get some nice shoes?

 

Shoes, coats, jeans, tops, you name it.

I spent 400$ at Forever 21 alone!

[Am4Real]

Shoes, coats, jeans, tops, you name it.

I spent 400$ at Forever 21 alone!

 

$400...now were talking.....!!!!

 

Florida here you come!!!

[D-Lish]

$400...now were talking.....!!!!

 

Florida here you come!!!

 

Yes, that is on the horizon soon, perhaps in May!

 

My ex and I were supposed to go to Florida in May, so I may use the trip for me to go by myself. I love my parents place down there, it's right on the ocean, and the beach is amazing. There is nothing I love more than lying on the beach all day.

 

I went to FLA the last time I had a break up- skipped x-mas with the fam and just took off by myself. I spent December 25th on the beach in a tiny bikini and a bucket of bud lights.

 

Unfortunately I ended up walking back to the condo completely bombed with my purse unzipped and upside down. I woke up at 6am the next morning with a sunburn, a bad hangover, and an empty purse! I retraced my steps the next morning and found almost everything, including my cell phone.:laugh:

[Duckduckgoose]

Hey D.....

Try and make Sunday about something new....

Go shopping every Sunday at homedepot and look for tools....that is what I used to do

 

 

I would go to Sam's Club and get free food samples!

 

Its so hard for me to go into Home Depot, Lowe's or any other hardware stores... I get distracted by the shinies!

[D-Lish]

I would go to Sam's Club and get free food samples!

 

Its so hard for me to go into Home Depot, Lowe's or any other hardware stores... I get distracted by the shinies!

 

A good friend of mine used to want to go to the home depot every Sunday to meet men! lol.

 

I actually got a date from the home depot. I was with my DAD, helping him choose doors, and this hot sales associate was helping us. I ran back and handed the guy my number- he called- and we had a date. He was a dud, but the home depot is full of men!

[jerbear]

Hey D-lishcious!

 

Spending 400$ on yourself is a good start.

 

Home Depot and Lowes are good places to meet people. I bought a broom for the garage. Guess I'm a dud.

[D-Lish]

Hey D-lishcious!

 

Spending 400$ on yourself is a good start.

 

Home Depot and Lowes are good places to meet people. I bought a broom for the garage. Guess I'm a dud.

 

A man with a broom is sexy Jer!

 

Something I've been thinking about all day is that as much as I thought I loved this guy, he couldn't man up when I needed him.

 

The entire break up is a hard pill to swallow- when someone says they don't love you when you love them like crazy, it's not supposed to be easy to get over it.

[threebyfate]

Haha...yes! Hardware, DIY stores are chock full of men who even if they're not employees, love to help women.

 

You D, desperately need to buy a new screwdriver but aren't sure which one will meet your needs!