The dreaded break up talk :-(

[Art_Critic]

You do realize that if you had spent 400.00 at home depot on tools that you would have had a date tonight

[jerbear]

A man with a broom is sexy Jer!

 

Something I've been thinking about all day is that as much as I thought I loved this guy, he couldn't man up when I needed him.

 

The entire break up is a hard pill to swallow- when someone says they don't love you when you love them like crazy, it's not supposed to be easy to get over it.

 

That is part of love, the risk of loving someone and not having it returned. You are strong enough to know and take action. It is not easy to handle the rejection after knowing they don't love you the way you love them. I envy you for that.

[Am4Real]

 

I went to FLA the last time I had a break up- skipped x-mas with the fam and just took off by myself. I spent December 25th on the beach in a tiny bikini and a bucket of bud lights.

 

 

A bucket of bud lights....!!!! Oh my....you'll fit right in down here so well!!!

 

I see today was hard for you; that is understandable with this being the first weekend notwithstanding last Saturday's "talk".

 

Following your posts this week you've thought about so much and gone from self-blame to opening up about perspective -- including his. Try to close up this stage shortly if you can and move from over-thinking the past to more about "you" in the future. After all, the future starts "now"!

[D-Lish]

Haha...yes! Hardware, DIY stores are chock full of men who even if they're not employees, love to help women.

 

You D, desperately need to buy a new screwdriver but aren't sure which one will meet your needs!

 

I can't imagine finding a screw driver that will make me happy;)

 

You do realize that if you had spent 400.00 at home depot on tools that you would have had a date tonight

 

I might have had 2 dates?!

 

That is part of love, the risk of loving someone and not having it returned. You are strong enough to know and take action. It is not easy to handle the rejection after knowing they don't love you the way you love them. I envy you for that.

 

I know it sucks, I've been checking my phone all day.

But it's over, he's made his decision, he's not coming back, he's not sitting at home wondering about me or wanting me back. He's relieved- and I have to accept what is what.

 

A bucket of bud lights....!!!! Oh my....you'll fit right in down here so well!!!

 

I see today was hard for you; that is understandable with this being the first weekend notwithstanding last Saturday's "talk".

 

Following your posts this week you've thought about so much and gone from self-blame to opening up about perspective -- including his. Try to close up this stage shortly if you can and move from over-thinking the past to more about "you" in the future. After all, the future starts "now"!

 

Yes, it starts now.

I'm still deeply hurt, and I still feel a great amont of love for him.

At least I know I can love again. I haven't loved anyone this much since I fell head over heels for my exH. When we split I never thought I'd be able to go there again, but I did.

 

Maybe I'll go there again someday, who knows.

[Art_Critic]

I can't imagine finding a screw driver that will make me happy;)

 

 

Wrong aisle.. you need to look in the Pile Driver aisle...

[Art_Critic]

Maybe I'll go there again someday, who knows.

 

You will D.. it just takes time..

 

In time you will heal..and in time you will love again.. I promise

[threebyfate]

I can't imagine finding a screw driver that will make me happy;)

No more stubbies!!

 

Forget the ones with the interchangeable bits or the ones that demagnetize your credit card. You want the quality ones that are designed to handle the job you need. Satisfaction every time!

[D-Lish]

You will D.. it just takes time..

 

In time you will heal..and in time you will love again.. I promise

 

Yeah, maybe someday. It just sucks that I am heading into my years where my looks will inevitably fade. If I have to rely on compatibility, I will be screwed:eek:

 

No more stubbies!!

 

Forget the ones with the interchangeable bits or the ones that demagnetize your credit card. You want the quality ones that are designed to handle the job you need. Satisfaction every time!

 

I'm going to home depot:lmao:

[D-Lish]

In the back of my head I kind of hoped he'd reach out today. But it hit home when he didn't. Sundays have always been our day, and I thought that maybe he'd be having a tough time of it today.

 

You know what the worst feeling for me is? Knowing he's relieved.

[Am4Real]

Yeah, maybe someday. It just sucks that I am heading into my years where my looks will inevitably fade.

 

:

 

Looks....fading....what are you saying....we were all still focused on the Little tiny bikini from a page of posts ago! JK

[jerbear]

You know what the worst feeling for me is? Knowing he's relieved.

It will take time.

 

Yeah, maybe someday. It just sucks that I am heading into my years where my looks will inevitably fade. If I have to rely on compatibility, I will be screwed:eek:

Oh please, even right now, you still are d-licious.

 

No more stubbies!!

 

Forget the ones with the interchangeable bits or the ones that demagnetize your credit card. You want the quality ones that are designed to handle the job you need. Satisfaction every time!

Stanley [tools]

 

Wrong aisle.. you need to look in the Pile Driver aisle...

No no...go pro, compressor and get the jack hammer!

[D-Lish]

I just wanted to make him happy:o

[Art_Critic]

***Hugz***

[jerbear]

Hugs...

 

Another loving guy will find you and you'll find him.

[D-Lish]

***Hugz***

 

And chocolate I hope:love: My hand is out, waiting

[Art_Critic]

And chocolate I hope:love: My hand is out, waiting

 

Of course... sorry I forgot...

Here's 2 little Dove Dark eggs.... yum.....

[D-Lish]

It's just so crazy that I have such a great management style- I am so good in my professional life. I get things done, my employees really like me. I have this uncanny ability to get along with people that rarely connect or get along with others. In my friendships and work relationships, I endear people to me. I motivate, I support, I get results.

 

In my romantic relationships I always fail so miserably. I don't get why my styles of connecting with people are so polar opposite depending on whether it's a romance or a different kind of connection.

 

I am so confident and secure when it comes to business. It's not like I shouldn't have baggage when it comes to my work- I failed miserably when my business tanked- but I bounced back and I am better than ever. It's not like I don't experience insecurity- I just overcome it. I push it aside and do my job. Even MY BOSS asks me for advice about work related stuff AND personal issues. I'm sort of the person everyone gets along with- I'm the go-to girl when it comes to work.

 

I don't know why I can't transfer that resolve to my romantic situations. When I lost my business, my self esteem was destroyed, but somehow I am able to go to work everyday and do my job really well despite my nagging insecurities.

 

I'm smart, I'm capable- but I haven't been able to change my pattern when it comes to my romantic connections. I don't understand how I'm not able to remain capable across the board.

[johan]

The premise of this is that it's your fault your personal relationships don't go as smoothly as your business ones. As if you're missing some skills that other people have. And as if personal relationships are ever that easy.

 

If I were as good at personal relationships as I am at professional ones, I would have been married several times and a serial polygamist.

[D-Lish]

The premise of this is that it's your fault your personal relationships don't go as smoothly as your business ones. As if you're missing some skills that other people have. And as if personal relationships are ever that easy.

 

If I were as good at personal relationships as I am at professional ones, I would have been married several times and a serial polygamist.

 

I guess I am always going to be a better coach than a "player".

[Am4Real]

It's just so crazy that I have such a great management style- I am so good in my professional life. I get things done, my employees really like me. I have this uncanny ability to get along with people that rarely connect or get along with others. In my friendships and work relationships, I endear people to me. I motivate, I support, I get results.

 

In my romantic relationships I always fail so miserably. I don't get why my styles of connecting with people are so polar opposite depending on whether it's a romance or a different kind of connection.

 

I am so confident and secure when it comes to business. It's not like I shouldn't have baggage when it comes to my work- I failed miserably when my business tanked- but I bounced back and I am better than ever. It's not like I don't experience insecurity- I just overcome it. I push it aside and do my job. Even MY BOSS asks me for advice about work related stuff AND personal issues. I'm sort of the person everyone gets along with- I'm the go-to girl when it comes to work.

 

I don't know why I can't transfer that resolve to my romantic situations. When I lost my business, my self esteem was destroyed, but somehow I am able to go to work everyday and do my job really well despite my nagging insecurities.

 

I'm smart, I'm capable- but I haven't been able to change my pattern when it comes to my romantic connections. I don't understand how I'm not able to remain capable across the board.

 

There could be a lot of reasons or one reason or none at all for the difference between what you presume are your professional skills and your personal relationship success/failures! You are back over-analyzing yourself and I wish you wouldn’t. However, for this morning let’s go with your comparison of personal life and professional life for just a bit.

 

From what you told us this guy was “straight up” with you in the end: he said he couldn’t love, has not loved and he did not love you (at least in the long-term forever romantic way we’re speaking about). Tell me D, what the H + E + Double Hockey Sticks does that have anything to do with your capability to manage a personal relationship? It really doesn’t does it – simply you misjudged a “dud” and using your need to compare your personal and professional behaviors from the above thread, let me go on…

 

As you’ve mentioned you’ve been out of the dating scene for some time or at least sporadically dating. Welcome back, this is what it’s like out there.

 

You meet all types of persons who present themselves one way and function in another. Think about it – have you not hired one of your employees and found that to be true of them professionally as well. They interview one way and after a little time on the job end up performing in anther manner or capacity. Did you not then find that the more you hire and fire the better you became at making judgment during the interview process and, even better at spotting wayward actions before they got out of hand or became a confrontation to the goals of the business or your management style once they were hired?

 

Have you not been able to part ways with an employee who is not matched for your business team but is still a relatively good person?

 

Of course you have – I’m sure you have functioned this way because you were determined to pick yourself up after the loss of your business and continue to improve your skills through practice. Now that you understand that, apply that determination and need for experience in your personal life. You will not be able to coach all or many potential partners into all of your needs, but one thing for sure you will become better and perhaps even skilled at looking past those first few dates, the interview process if you will, before you hire them on with commitment. [highlight]It’s really that simple D[/highlight]. Don’t feel at a loss by comparing personal and professional life aspects – in as much as they are the same in one area they are not really comparable unless all aspects are measured comparatively and most of us we really would not our personal life managed in the same way we work and lead professionally, we really wouldn’t!!!!

 

Try and have a good Monday….

 

Think about this…the beach is calling you…think sunshine and let it bring a gorgeous smile to your face today!!!!

[Kamille]

Ah D.

 

I agree with what Johan and Am4Real have said.

1) Your premise is likely wrong.

 

2) By your ex's own admission, this situation was out of your control.

 

Here is how I perceive your cyclical thinking right now:

 

1) There is something wrong with me

We dispute it.

 

2) I should have seen this coming (why didn't I see it coming?)

How could you have?

 

3) Maybe I pushed him away?

Better to find out now he isn't emotionally mature than a year form now.

 

 

4) It hurts that he didn't really love me (but that I thought he did). (I felt so sure he was into me, it turns out he wasn't).

He was into you, he just has major issues on his side that make it impossible for him to be there for someone past the infatuation phase.

 

 

Back to, there must be something wrong with me.

 

I know this is slightly OT, but you're someone who's success driven. I think from what little I know of your family, that you likely grew up in a family like mine: in my family, we're allowed to take calculated risks, we're allowed to fail, but once we do, we have to take responsibility for the failure and learn from it. That kind of thinking is wonderful in the work world. It doesn't work, however, when it comes to relationships.

 

I think what you're doing now is trying to draw lessons from your break up, so that you never feel this pain again. As though, if you could only figure out what you did wrong, then you'll be insured against heartbreak. In love, there is no insurance against heartbreak. The only insurance you have against it is this: You will heal from it. I wish you could stop trying to analyze what went wrong and, instead, switch to thinking about your healing process. What are you going to do today to make yourself feel a little bit better? Are you going to take time for a run? Plan to take a wonderful bath? Go hang out with friends and not talk about the ex?

 

See, once you're past the raw emotional pain, then you'll be in a better position to assess what you can learn from this relationship.

[threebyfate]

A long-term relationship isn't necessarily an indicator of a successful relationship. The happiness and satisfaction of both people within the relationship are the benchmarks of success.

 

Find a way to mesh your real self with the self you display to others while dating. This will serve as a natural filter for the guys who aren't compatible with your real needs and potentially attract the guys who do.

 

If you can imagine something like this:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Natural fit, no?

 

But what if:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Down the road you show M which negates B, which effectively means you're actually A, C, M.

 

And what if:

 

Guy 1 says he's D, E, F. You're looking for D, E, F. Down the road he then displays that he's F, G, H.

 

Net effect:

 

You're A, C, M where Guy 1 wants A, B, C.

Guy 1 is F, G, H where you're looking for D, E, F.

 

How do you reconcile the two? Try as you might to compromise or change each other, this relationship won't work or if people keep trying to make it work, it's not even close to optimum.

[D-Lish]

Everyone is making great points. I know I am taking so much of the weight of blame for something that was out of my control. Here I am wondering what is wrong with me that he couldn't love me, but him not being able to give love isn't MY issue, it's obviously HIS.

 

Sure I have some insecurity issues, but given my situation and how distant he became with me in the last 6 weeks- anyone would feel insecure.

 

The one common thing that everyone has pointed out to me, including my friends and family is that he wasn't a strong enough man for me. I know ultimately that would have made me unhappy. It was already affecting me on many levels prior to the break up and long before.

 

In terms of compatibility, we weren't at all compatible. We were rarely on the same page about a lot of things.

 

Those first 4 months were really great. I suspect had I not gotten pregnant, we would still be dating now.... But, I also know that down the road something would have come up to test us, and that test would have failed. So better I know now what he's made of.

 

Looking back, there is something weird about him, something I can't quite put my finger on- but I know it's there, I always knew something was a little off.

[Am4Real]

A long-term relationship isn't necessarily an indicator of a successful relationship. The happiness and satisfaction of both people within the relationship are the benchmarks of success.

 

Find a way to mesh your real self with the self you display to others while dating. This will serve as a natural filter for the guys who aren't compatible with your real needs and potentially attract the guys who do.

 

If you can imagine something like this:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Natural fit, no?

 

But what if:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Down the road you show M which negates B, which effectively means you're actually A, C, M.

 

And what if:

 

Guy 1 says he's D, E, F. You're looking for D, E, F. Down the road he then displays that he's F, G, H.

 

Net effect:

 

You're A, C, M where Guy 1 wants A, B, C.

Guy 1 is F, G, H where you're looking for D, E, F.

 

How do you reconcile the two? Try as you might to compromise or change each other, this relationship won't work or if people keep trying to make it work, it's not even close to optimum.

 

Three,

 

That was the most confusing logic I've ever read in a post -- I was hoping at the end it was going to spell something and perhaps tell D she was with a DUMBF*%CK....LOL! Just kidding! I think I get it! ;-)

[Am4Real]

Everyone is making great points. I know I am taking so much of the weight of blame for something that was out of my control. Here I am wondering what is wrong with me that he couldn't love me, but him not being able to give love isn't MY issue, it's obviously HIS.

 

Sure I have some insecurity issues, but given my situation and how distant he became with me in the last 6 weeks- anyone would feel insecure.

 

The one common thing that everyone has pointed out to me, including my friends and family is that he wasn't a strong enough man for me. I know ultimately that would have made me unhappy. It was already affecting me on many levels prior to the break up and long before.

 

In terms of compatibility, we weren't at all compatible. We were rarely on the same page about a lot of things.

 

Those first 4 months were really great. I suspect had I not gotten pregnant, we would still be dating now.... But, I also know that down the road something would have come up to test us, and that test would have failed. So better I know now what he's made of.

 

Looking back, there is something weird about him, something I can't quite put my finger on- but I know it's there, I always knew something was a little off.

 

Now that's the "D" we all know!!!!