The dreaded break up talk :-(

[whichwayisup]

Everyone is making great points. I know I am taking so much of the weight of blame for something that was out of my control. Here I am wondering what is wrong with me that he couldn't love me, but him not being able to give love isn't MY issue, it's obviously HIS.

 

Exactly. You blaming yourself for all this is like ME blaming YOU that I'm conspitated! :lmao: Crazy eh? (No I'm not consiptated, but hope that made you laugh..)

 

The one common thing that everyone has pointed out to me, including my friends and family is that he wasn't a strong enough man for me. I know ultimately that would have made me unhappy. It was already affecting me on many levels prior to the break up and long before.

 

In terms of compatibility, we weren't at all compatible. We were rarely on the same page about a lot of things.

 

Those first 4 months were really great. I suspect had I not gotten pregnant, we would still be dating now.... But, I also know that down the road something would have come up to test us, and that test would have failed. So better I know now what he's made of.

 

Looking back, there is something weird about him, something I can't quite put my finger on- but I know it's there, I always knew something was a little off.

 

Yup. You got it sister!

 

You need an afternoon at the Spa. Elmwood, baby!

[threebyfate]

Three,

 

That was the most confusing logic I've ever read in a post -- I was hoping at the end it was going to spell something and perhaps tell D she was with a DUMBF*%CK....LOL! Just kidding! I think I get it! ;-)

Come on, get with the program, we're all equations where we're the sum of all our parts!

 

Glad you understood. I tried to make it as non-complex as possible. In reality, it would be far more complex considering how much of our thought processes, emotions and information gathering is handled by the unconscious mind. Trigger one thing and to each person, the domino tripping pattern would be different per individual.

 

Example:

 

Food can be viewed in many ways:

• Sustenance. (biological)
  
• Reward. (nurture)
  
• Coping mechanism. (nurture)
  
• Hobby. (nurture)
  

[Kamille]

Everyone is making great points. I know I am taking so much of the weight of blame for something that was out of my control. Here I am wondering what is wrong with me that he couldn't love me, but him not being able to give love isn't MY issue, it's obviously HIS.

 

Sure I have some insecurity issues, but given my situation and how distant he became with me in the last 6 weeks- anyone would feel insecure.

 

The one common thing that everyone has pointed out to me, including my friends and family is that he wasn't a strong enough man for me. I know ultimately that would have made me unhappy. It was already affecting me on many levels prior to the break up and long before.

 

In terms of compatibility, we weren't at all compatible. We were rarely on the same page about a lot of things.

 

Those first 4 months were really great. I suspect had I not gotten pregnant, we would still be dating now.... But, I also know that down the road something would have come up to test us, and that test would have failed. So better I know now what he's made of.

 

Looking back, there is something weird about him, something I can't quite put my finger on- but I know it's there, I always knew something was a little off.

 

Now that's the "D" we all know!!!!

 

Yup, there she is! More bunnies! :bunny:

 

You're awesome D!

[D-Lish]

The self enlightenment doesn't lessen the pain unfortunately.

I would never break NC- but the urge has been there.

[johan]

It's true. You can be as rational as you want to be, and know everything you've concluded is right, and the disappointment and regret don't really change.

 

Hypnotism would probably fix this.

[Kamille]

The self enlightenment doesn't lessen the pain unfortunately.

I would never break NC- but the urge has been there.

 

Maybe it's important to just accept the pain and not try to explain it. I found that trying to explain the pain, while a normal reflex, also ends up perpetuating it. Accepting to live with it usually helps focus on what I need, on self-care. (Spa day! Or even just pedicure.)

[ganbare]

The red flag that really sticks out for me, D-Lish is the fact that in his previous relationships he stayed around for a long time passively not taking any action even though he was in a toxic situation. That seems very immature to me and he knew how to deflect the situation to his advantage by playing the victim card. If anyone pulls that stunt on me I won't be buying it! There is nothing that could have prevented him from walking out of unhealthy relationship with his head high up and he didn't walk because he wasn't emotionally mature enough to do so. Red flag indeed.

 

Don't be afraid to keep on trying, D-Lish! The right guy is out there for you. I'm from Canada too by the way but from New Brunswick not Ontario. I love the Ontario trillium symbol.

Edited April 19, 2011 by ganbare

[D-Lish]

It's true. You can be as rational as you want to be, and know everything you've concluded is right, and the disappointment and regret don't really change.

 

Hypnotism would probably fix this.

 

It's true. You've said before that I should stop trying to explain things and focus more on the acceptance and moving forward.

 

Trying to come up with explanations for what's wrong with him, what I did to push him away, all these "what ifs" are just killing my chance to heal. It's keeping me stuck.

 

I've actually been going out of my way to accept blame- and that's included taking on his blame as well.

 

Maybe it's important to just accept the pain and not try to explain it. I found that trying to explain the pain, while a normal reflex, also ends up perpetuating it. Accepting to live with it usually helps focus on what I need, on self-care. (Spa day! Or even just pedicure.)

 

I did some more shopping today, that's my therapy!

 

I'm trying to embrace acceptance now. I think trying to explain everything, going over what happened over and over and trying to find an explanation is unhealthy. It's almost as if, if I can find an explanation, I can "fix" things. That's actually having hope, even though I know I could never go back knowing what I know about him.

 

Any man that would leave his partner 3 1/2 weeks after a miscarriage isn't someone I should want to fix things with. All the ruminating is a waste of my time because I wouldn't accept him back into my life.

 

The red flag that really sticks out for me, D-Lish is the fact that in his previous relationships he stayed around for a long time passively not taking any action even though he was in a toxic situation. That seems very immature to me and he knew how to deflect the situation to his advantage by playing the victim card. If anyone pulls that stunt on me I won't be buying it! There is nothing that could have prevented him from walking out of unhealthy relationship with his head high up and he didn't walk because he wasn't emotionally mature enough to do so. Red flag indeed.

 

Don't be afraid to keep on trying, D-Lish! The right guy is out there for you. I'm from Canada too by the way but from New Brunswick not Ontario. I love the Ontario trillium symbol.

 

Thanks G. I've never been out East, but I hear it's awesome:love:

I see so many red flags looking back now. It still hurts like crazy, but when the smoke clears, I probably understand that I actually dodged a bullet.

 

I remember in the first 2 months of dating he said in a sexual moment that he'd never had such sexual chemistry with anyone in his life. I remember thinking, "wow, at the age of 35, he should have had this before. I've had passionate sexual connections 10 times more intense than what I had with him.

 

So many red flags looking back.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just realize that the dopamine and oxytocin make you not see the red flags up front as much if there is something about the guy stimulating the production of these hormones.

 

It isn't a "Fault" it is human nature or probably 3/4 of us wouldn't be here.

 

Liquid trust, gets us (almost) every time.

[freestyle]

The red flag that really sticks out for me, D-Lish is the fact that in his previous relationships he stayed around for a long time passively not taking any action even though he was in a toxic situation. That seems very immature to me and he knew how to deflect the situation to his advantage by playing the victim card. If anyone pulls that stunt on me I won't be buying it! There is nothing that could have prevented him from walking out of unhealthy relationship with his head high up and he didn't walk because he wasn't emotionally mature enough to do so. Red flag indeed.

 

Don't be afraid to keep on trying, D-Lish! The right guy is out there for you. I'm from Canada too by the way but from New Brunswick not Ontario. I love the Ontario trillium symbol.

 

 

Quoted for emphasis---this is what I was hinting at---I saw red flags for passive-aggression.........which can do a ton of damage to whomever's on the receiving end of it, in the long run. A long-term relationship with a person who always handles conflict passive-aggressively can leave you second-guessing yourself, and taking blame that isn't yours to shoulder.

(which I noticed in a few of your responses here, D )

 

You may have dodged a bullet.

[The_411]

Dlish,

 

His line about not knowing what love is seems like something out of the BPD playbook. That coupled with his inability to be affectiionate scream out serious issues.

 

Have you ever done counseling? The reason I say that is that from what I read here it appears you've gone after guys who were emotionally unavailable/damaged. My inclination is that you have some unresolved guilt that needs to be hashed out with a therpist so you can minimize a) your feelings of guilt b) neediness.

[D-Lish]

Dlish,

 

His line about not knowing what love is seems like something out of the BPD playbook. That coupled with his inability to be affectiionate scream out serious issues.

 

Have you ever done counseling? The reason I say that is that from what I read here it appears you've gone after guys who were emotionally unavailable/damaged. My inclination is that you have some unresolved guilt that needs to be hashed out with a therpist so you can minimize a) your feelings of guilt b) neediness.

 

Hi 411,

 

Yes I've been in therapy before. And yes, I've dated a lot of men exactly like this guy in the past.

 

I actually enjoy being in therapy, although I am not currently. I've been thinking about going back.

[threebyfate]

Hi 411,

 

Yes I've been in therapy before. And yes, I've dated a lot of men exactly like this guy in the past.

 

I actually enjoy being in therapy, although I am not currently. I've been thinking about going back.

Do you have extended medical? If so, take a look at your brochure. Some provide coverage for a set amount of therapy.

[alphamale]

I actually enjoy being in therapy, although I am not currently. I've been thinking about going back.

i've been in therapy since 1989....at $125 per half hour it really adds up

[D-Lish]

His line about not knowing what love is seems like something out of the BPD playbook. That coupled with his inability to be affectiionate scream out serious issues.

 

I went and did a little more research on BPD, and although he demonstrates some of those characteristics, he didn't have high emotions or mood swings. I do think he's highly sensitive though- also he seems to enjoy being alone a lot (and had a low sex drive).

 

If anything, I demonstrate more of those behaviours and have the background criteria for it. Some of the behaviours and criteria really resonated with me!!!

 

Now I am crapping my pants:o

[D-Lish]

Do you have extended medical? If so, take a look at your brochure. Some provide coverage for a set amount of therapy.

 

I'm not sure if I do, I'll have to check.

The last time I went I got a referral through my dr's office and it went trhough OHIP.

[threebyfate]

If by BPD, people mean Borderline, you're so not a borderliner. If you're wondering how someone with BPD reacts, check out blind otter. She has openly admittted to having it whether in the past or still. You'll notice that she's very dramatic.

[D-Lish]

If by BPD, people mean Borderline, you're so not a borderliner. If you're wondering how someone with BPD reacts, check out blind otter. She has openly admittted to having it whether in the past or still. You'll notice that she's very dramatic.

 

I completed a survey and it said I have avoidant personality disorder, lol. Which is silly, nothing it describes characterizes me!

 

But I don't think my ex was either. Something is wrong with him, but I don't think it's BPD.

[threebyfate]

I completed a survey and it said I have avoidant personality disorder, lol. Which is silly, nothing it describes characterizes me!

 

But I don't think my ex was either. Something is wrong with him, but I don't think it's BPD.

Straight up D, I don't think you have any personality disorder. Perhaps someone who needs to work on some unresolved trust issues.

 

As for your ex, not sure if he has anything either but can't say with no exposure. Weakness in itself is not a disorder. Otherwise 90% of the people in this world have disorders and that would be silly.

[D-Lish]

Straight up D, I don't think you have any personality disorder. Perhaps someone who needs to work on some unresolved trust issues.

 

As for your ex, not sure if he has anything either but can't say with no exposure. Weakness in itself is not a disorder. Otherwise 90% of the people in this world have disorders and that would be silly.

 

Agreed T, lots of people have issues without having a disorder!

[The_411]

Dlish,

 

I brought up BPD because my BPD ex used that exact same phraseology on me.

 

I had to pick up the pieces of a 2 year relationship with her. It's taken me a few years to get back to where I needed to be as well as work on things that needed fixing that allwoed me to get into a relationship with her and stay even when things were not acceptable.

 

The guy you were with had issues of some sort whether they were BPD or not is immaterial. The bottomline is that his behavior wasn't acceptable.

 

You can only control you so a logical step is to say hmm why do I attract these guys instead of a guy who treat me well and not hurt me.

 

Until you can get to the root of it, chances are you will still attract these types of guys.

 

My impression might be unreconciled guilt from being molested where you've internalized being unlovable, which would explain being overly needy.

[whatdoido1717]

Dlish,

 

His line about not knowing what love is seems like something out of the BPD playbook. That coupled with his inability to be affectiionate scream out serious issues.

 

Have you ever done counseling? The reason I say that is that from what I read here it appears you've gone after guys who were emotionally unavailable/damaged. My inclination is that you have some unresolved guilt that needs to be hashed out with a therpist so you can minimize a) your feelings of guilt b) neediness.

 

Sorry to barge in on your thread here D-Lish, but when I read The_411 bring up what he said above about BPD I wanted to jump in, especially as it pertains to counseling.

 

The_411, I was wondering if you could, if you have time, pop over to my thread (after this one of course ) titled, "I Have to Be Honest with You Guys & Myself," and share some thoughts about my frustrating with my first counseling session today.

 

Basically, my ex shows many signs of BPD and I spent a lot of time, before I shifted the focus on to my own healing, reading and trying to understand the disorder. But really, I guess my main concern is, when I tried to bring this up to my counselor in our first meeting to talk about the connection between that and my own underlying issues for a) putting up with that b) getting involved with her c) making some of the terrible choices I did, etc. she seeminlgy shrugged it off, saying I have had all healthy relationships in the past and I know what I need to know about her already and that we need to focus on what I am going to do to move forward.

 

I get that it is about me now, and I am really focused on that to be honest, but I was a little frustrated with how things went. Anyway, would appreciate any thoughts you have. I don't expect you to read the entire back story (I am sure if you did you would probably see some of the symptoms of BPD I was mentioning) but I am more specifically wondering your thoughts about what happened with my counselor today...

 

Thanks and sorry again for barging in here ( I don't have PM abilities yet)...

Edited April 20, 2011 by whatdoido1717

[D-Lish]

Until you can get to the root of it, chances are you will still attract these types of guys.

 

My impression might be unreconciled guilt from being molested where you've internalized being unlovable, which would explain being overly needy.

 

There are a whole host of baggage stemming from my childhood.

I'm aware of all the issues, I'm pretty insightful, just have a hard time bridging the gap between the root/cause to change of thought patterns and behaviours.

 

Abandonment from being adopted contributes greatly to my fear of rejection/neediness.

 

When I was younger I was unruly (never felt like I fit into my family because I was adopted, which made me feel different and difficult for me to connect to my parents and brother). My parents took the whole family to "family counselling" to help us all interact with one another better- and it turned out, they were dropping me off to see the therapist (my fault for the family problems) So I learned at a young age to internalize blame. I guess I was 10 or 11, that's where I started to develop that foundation for the self blame.

 

The molestation took place when I was older. I'd already developed anxiety and collected issues way before then, not that it doesn't play a role but I was 12, and I wouldn't say it's a key role.

 

I'm pretty good at recognizing the key moments, situations, causes and how they relate to how I operate in my relationships today. Basically I have the knowledge, just haven't figured out how to apply it to make for a happier me (if that makes sense).

 

Sorry, I rambled.

Edited April 20, 2011 by D-Lish

[dreamingoftigers]

I completed a survey and it said I have avoidant personality disorder, lol. Which is silly, nothing it describes characterizes me!

 

Maybe you are just trying to avoid the reality of the situation.

 

But I don't think my ex was either. Something is wrong with him, but I don't think it's BPD.

 

Nah, so many people think BPD/NPD with their exes on here. I think a lot if them could be BPD and in some cases NPD. it isn't as common as each thread though.

 

Sounds like your dude had a basic attachment disorder, yay...

 

Often I have found that many people get very hooked on the "what" is wrong instead of seeing what they need to get where they want to go.

 

Have you looked at how to build a healthy relationship? What is it that you need to get there?

 

I could call you BPD, ADD, OCD or musically inclined, and yes labels can help (can you imagine trying to cook without them?) but st the end of the day, if you haven't got a destination in mind that is well-thought out, then knowing where you are seems kind of, well, stuck.

[jerbear]

 

Sorry, I rambled.

Ramble away. Get it out. You can do it. I think rambling can help you move forward.