The dreaded break up talk :-(

[colliejoanie]

Hi D, I haven't read this whole post, but enough to know what's going on. I have to tell you, I was sad to see your name posting in the 'break up' section.

 

I haven't logged on in 3 months. For two reasons 1) my computer was stolen and 2) I WAS in a relationship that just ended.

 

Anyway, again I was sad to see your post. You helped me a lot before, whether you know it or not. I hope you're ok!

[D-Lish]

Nah, so many people think BPD/NPD with their exes on here. I think a lot if them could be BPD and in some cases NPD. it isn't as common as each thread though.

 

Sounds like your dude had a basic attachment disorder, yay...

 

Often I have found that many people get very hooked on the "what" is wrong instead of seeing what they need to get where they want to go.

 

Have you looked at how to build a healthy relationship? What is it that you need to get there?

 

I could call you BPD, ADD, OCD or musically inclined, and yes labels can help (can you imagine trying to cook without them?) but st the end of the day, if you haven't got a destination in mind that is well-thought out, then knowing where you are seems kind of, well, stuck.

 

Basic attachment order sounds about right, and no sense in trying to blame myself for that.

 

I understand how some of my behaviours contributed to the demise of the relationship- but in the end, he wasn't strong enough.

 

I think we were two people that are both a little needy. As tbf said before, I think he was looking for a stronger woman to take care of HIM. I don't think he liked having to be put in a position where he had to support me because that's not his natural inclination. Hence why he left as soon as the ordeal settled.

 

I think he thought the mc was just going to end, and I was going to be okay right away and start looking after him again.

 

Ultimately he never had it in him to be a long term supportive partner. The difference between him and I is that had the situation been reversed- had he gone through a cancer scare or something else as serious- I would have stepped him for him and been his rock. I like taking care of people- but in the instance of my pregnancy, I needed HIM to be my rock - and he wasn't able to do it.

 

Basically, in the beginning he was attracted to me because I am strong- but as soon as my weakness came up, he bolted. That says a lot to me.

Not to mention that he was always focused on some sort of ailment he had. It was constant- headache, cold, groin injury, aches and pains. Literally, everyday he was complaining about an ailment.

 

Thanks DOT, you're insight has been invaluable to me.

 

Hi D, I haven't read this whole post, but enough to know what's going on. I have to tell you, I was sad to see your name posting in the 'break up' section.

 

I haven't logged on in 3 months. For two reasons 1) my computer was stolen and 2) I WAS in a relationship that just ended.

 

Anyway, again I was sad to see your post. You helped me a lot before, whether you know it or not. I hope you're ok!

 

So sorry you are going through a break up CJ, and that sucks abotu your computer!!!

 

((hugs))

[D-Lish]

And now I get a text...

 

"I'm so sorry (D-Lish), I still feel so bad about what happened :-( hope your week was okay"

 

So in other words, he feels "sorry" for me!

 

I turned my phone off.

 

It's funny, I had such a moment of clarity this morning. I woke up early and started thinking about how much I deserve better, and had a moment of peace about not having him in my life anymore. Now this.

 

It's as if he's looking for me to make him feel better about leaving me. I already gave him an easy break up- and I gave him the final parting words that I understood and was going to be okay.

[threebyfate]

Knew he'd be back if you went NC!

 

Glad you turned the phone off because I don't think he's solely looking for forgiveness. Bet he's missing you which doesn't mean he necessarily wants back. That normal roller coaster of emotions.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ultimately he never had it in him to be a long term supportive partner. The difference between him and I is that had the situation been reversed- had he gone through a cancer scare or something else as serious- I would have stepped him for him and been his rock. I like taking care of people- but in the instance of my pregnancy, I needed HIM to be my rock - and he wasn't able to do it.

 

Basically, in the beginning he was attracted to me because I am strong- but as soon as my weakness came up, he bolted. That says a lot to me.

Not to mention that he was always focused on some sort of ailment he had. It was constant- headache, cold, groin injury, aches and pains. Literally, everyday he was complaining about an ailment.

 

 

I have seen this from people off an on throughout the years. This is a huge flag. This is not to say that they are faking it, honestly I think that it is a reflection of unresolved trauma often taking the form of physical symptoms.

 

The more extreme examples of it that I have seen are from a former employee "I drank a can of Coke and gave myself an anxiety attack, so I can't go to the last job site." (One of many many examples, she is also a personal friend so it is not isolated to that)

 

And an ex-roomate who was constantly disabled in some way, my personal favorite was when he claimed to have "gout." Then he went and played volleyball. But it was "hard to do":(

 

To a lesser degree it just seems like constant aches and pains. TBH I used to exhibit similar behaviours before EMDR, I would say that 50-70% were legitimate aches and pains but the other part was the fact that I had them so often that I would use to excuse to avoid responsibility for things.

 

Glad we are not always who we were.

[dreamingoftigers]

Knew he'd be back if you went NC!

 

Glad you turned the phone off because I don't think he's solely looking for forgiveness. Bet he's missing you which doesn't mean he necessarily wants back. That normal roller coaster of emotions.

 

I second this. TBF has often posted with strong relational boundaries which are smart and produce decent results most of the time when practised. Don't cave and don't play into it.

 

If you find that you have the urge to contact him, set a timer on your phone for 22 minutes. Most human self-destructive urges pass in about 20 minutes.

 

The 22 minute timer has been invaluable to me in the past week or so.

[D-Lish]

Knew he'd be back if you went NC!

 

Glad you turned the phone off because I don't think he's solely looking for forgiveness. Bet he's missing you which doesn't mean he necessarily wants back. That normal roller coaster of emotions.

 

I don't think he wants back at all, I think he wants that forgiveness from me to feel better, but I already gave that to him in our break up talk.

 

I was really gracious when he dumped me, no drama, no begging or pleading, just an acknowledgement that I understood, accepted my part in the demise of things- a hug and a good bye.

 

I'm glad I turned my phone off too- I just wanted to shoot something back to him right away- but I didn't. I don't think I should say anything back, I don't need to reopen the wound with further dialogue!

 

I have seen this from people off an on throughout the years. This is a huge flag. This is not to say that they are faking it, honestly I think that it is a reflection of unresolved trauma often taking the form of physical symptoms.

 

The more extreme examples of it that I have seen are from a former employee "I drank a can of Coke and gave myself an anxiety attack, so I can't go to the last job site." (One of many many examples, she is also a personal friend so it is not isolated to that)

 

And an ex-roomate who was constantly disabled in some way, my personal favorite was when he claimed to have "gout." Then he went and played volleyball. But it was "hard to do":(

 

To a lesser degree it just seems like constant aches and pains. TBH I used to exhibit similar behaviours before EMDR, I would say that 50-70% were legitimate aches and pains but the other part was the fact that I had them so often that I would use to excuse to avoid responsibility for things.

 

Glad we are not always who we were.

 

The week prior to our break up he was "sick"- stomache pains, fatigue, a cold, flu symptoms. I honestly don't think he was able to reconcile with the fact that his "symptoms" had to do with the demise of our relationship- it's like he had no insight that physical state was caused by a stress related situation- like OUR BREAK UP!! No insight whatsoever.

 

It's just so disconnected to me. The last month, when I felt him distancing, I had flu like symptoms too, I was either sitting on the toilet or facing it, gagging. I knew I didn't have the flu, I knew it was the stress of losing my relationship. It's so weird to me that he never put two and two together.

[WorldIsYours]

Gosh get it over with so the man can move on.

[johan]

Gosh get it over with so the man can move on.

 

What is it that she's doing to keep him from moving on?

[D-Lish]

Gosh get it over with so the man can move on.

 

Obviously you didn't read a single thing that was said in this thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

The week prior to our break up he was "sick"- stomache pains, fatigue, a cold, flu symptoms. I honestly don't think he was able to reconcile with the fact that his "symptoms" had to do with the demise of our relationship- it's like he had no insight that physical state was caused by a stress related situation- like OUR BREAK UP!! No insight whatsoever.

 

It's just so disconnected to me. The last month, when I felt him distancing, I had flu like symptoms too, I was either sitting on the toilet or facing it, gagging. I knew I didn't have the flu, I knew it was the stress of losing my relationship. It's so weird to me that he never put two and two together.

 

Come to think of it, when my H and I first seperated, he had a whole host of physical symptoms too that he couldn't figure out (he has a motherlode of an attachment issue BTW). He just was physically wretched.

 

Truly these guys don't understand their own stresses and feelings and it does manifest physically because they avoid them and don't process them.

 

It may also be partially a guy thing to deal with stuff like that, but I doubt it.

[dreamingoftigers]

What is it that she's doing to keep him from moving on?

 

She hasn't killed him off yet, duh! That's how we do breakups here in Alberta....

 

Obviously you didn't read a single thing that was said in this thread.

 

I think that he read the title.....does that count?

[WorldIsYours]

Obviously you didn't read a single thing that was said in this thread.

 

Obviously I did. All that's here is you blaming him for your incompetence and conscious insecurities.

[D-Lish]

I second this. TBF has often posted with strong relational boundaries which are smart and produce decent results most of the time when practised. Don't cave and don't play into it.

 

If you find that you have the urge to contact him, set a timer on your phone for 22 minutes. Most human self-destructive urges pass in about 20 minutes.

 

The 22 minute timer has been invaluable to me in the past week or so.

 

I have some strong resolve.

 

You guys will laugh at me, but I turned my phone off and then asked my room mate to put it in his bedroom. He's gone to bed, so I have no access to my phone until morning. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do:cool:

[threebyfate]

Good move D! Btw, is your roommate cute?

[JustJoe]

A long-term relationship isn't necessarily an indicator of a successful relationship. The happiness and satisfaction of both people within the relationship are the benchmarks of success.

 

Find a way to mesh your real self with the self you display to others while dating. This will serve as a natural filter for the guys who aren't compatible with your real needs and potentially attract the guys who do.

 

If you can imagine something like this:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Natural fit, no?

 

But what if:

 

You say you're A, B, C. Guy 1 says I'm looking for A, B, C. Down the road you show M which negates B, which effectively means you're actually A, C, M.

 

And what if:

 

Guy 1 says he's D, E, F. You're looking for D, E, F. Down the road he then displays that he's F, G, H.

 

Net effect:

 

You're A, C, M where Guy 1 wants A, B, C.

Guy 1 is F, G, H where you're looking for D, E, F.

 

How do you reconcile the two? Try as you might to compromise or change each other, this relationship won't work or if people keep trying to make it work, it's not even close to optimum.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm missing out on something here. Way I see it, D-lish is wayyyyyy too good for these yokels, and needs to find a true man. Somebody like me, ferinstance, except a little older, and a little wiser, and living near her, and free to shower her with love and attention. OK, so not like me at all.....but you get the idea, D, you are the tops and require a man who is the tops, too.

[180LRT]

Obviously I did. All that's here is you blaming him for your incompetence and conscious insecurities.

 

Infraction here I come:

 

Go F U C K YOURSELF WORLDISYOURS, YOU ARE ALWAYS SUCH AN ******* TO SO MANY PEOPLE THAT DONT DESERVE IT. WHY DONT YOU FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME THEN BE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HUMAN WASTE?

 

HERE IS SOME HELPFUL ADVICE: FIND YOUR ASS, REMOVE THE BUICK THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO MULE FROM IT

 

PEACE

[johan]

It's not worth it. All you have to do is report him. Everyone agrees that he should go f*ck himself. But it will never actually happen.

[D-Lish]

Come to think of it, when my H and I first seperated, he had a whole host of physical symptoms too that he couldn't figure out (he has a motherlode of an attachment issue BTW). He just was physically wretched.

 

Truly these guys don't understand their own stresses and feelings and it does manifest physically because they avoid them and don't process them.

 

It may also be partially a guy thing to deal with stuff like that, but I doubt it.

 

You know what I think? As cliche as it sounds, I don't think he got a lot of love as a kid. I met his mom, and I really liked her, but she's a really weak woman, meek even. He said a few things in passing about feeling neglected as a kid. His dad is a bit narcissistic, and I think he lives in his own world.

 

His parents have this 15 year old maltese that they dote on- it's all about the dog- the conversation in my presence rarely left the dog. They literally treat this dog like a newborn. I get the impression that my ex feels incredibly and deeply affected by this- that his parents couldn't support him or give him attention and love as a kid- but they dote on this dog like it's the biggest prize they've ever encountered. It's borderline weird to see how much they dote on this dog- but I don't think him or his siblings ever got this kind of attention as kids.

 

I think that plays a big part in his attachment issues- not having parents that could foster a real attachment to him, but they demonstrate this intense attachment to an animal?

 

Honestly guys, his parents attachment to their dog is insanely overboard. He probably doesn't put 2 and 2 together to get 4- but I think him and his siblings were neglected emotionally as children, and now they see their parents attaching to this dog- and it must take a toll on them as adults.

 

Meh, back to analysing him again in order to know where I went wrong so I can fix him- I don't want that challenge.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like a prime candidate for attachment crap. Always watch the family.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not worth it. All you have to do is report him. Everyone agrees that he should go f*ck himself. But it will never actually happen.

 

Yeah, in a month or two, he would really regret it. :lmao:

 

He could just get a PM though, right? Wouldn't that've made things faster then having to wait for WIY to check the boards again?

 

D-Lish, just ignore...

 

BTW us Canucks are behind you LOL. I never knew you were an Ontarian.....

[WorldIsYours]

Infraction here I come:

 

Go F U C K YOURSELF WORLDISYOURS, YOU ARE ALWAYS SUCH AN ******* TO SO MANY PEOPLE THAT DONT DESERVE IT. WHY DONT YOU FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME THEN BE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HUMAN WASTE?

 

^^^^

 

You seriously need to get a grip if you feel the need to do this all because you don't agree with someone's opinion on an internet site.

 

HERE IS SOME HELPFUL ADVICE: FIND YOUR ASS, REMOVE THE BUICK THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO MULE FROM IT

 

PEACE

 

Here is some helpful advice: Go to some counseling and stop hiding from under another account. Your first post and you already know what an infraction is on LS? Don't make me find out who you are.

[D-Lish]

Good move D! Btw, is your roommate cute?

 

Mmmm, yeah. I've known him for a long time.

He's a pilot- he has a house in every port, and a woman in every port.

 

He tried to date me initially and I turned him down because he is such a blatent player. I am the only platonic female frend he has- and the only female he has in his life that he hasn't slept with besides his sister:p

 

We can live together easily- it's just that his gf's get jealous.

 

He owns the place I currently live in, and we've known each other for about 4 years. He has a new gf that just hates the fact that he lives with me- so I am thinking about moving because she is evil and mean when she comes around.

 

I'm not sure, but I think I'm missing out on something here. Way I see it, D-lish is wayyyyyy too good for these yokels, and needs to find a true man. Somebody like me, ferinstance, except a little older, and a little wiser, and living near her, and free to shower her with love and attention. OK, so not like me at all.....but you get the idea, D, you are the tops and require a man who is the tops, too.

 

I love you Joe, I just love you like crazy!

 

And you made my day.

 

It's not worth it. All you have to do is report him. Everyone agrees that he should go f*ck himself. But it will never actually happen.

 

It's okay- I put these people on ignore. I know who my supporters are, and that's who I focus on.

 

You know what's made me feel bad during this break up? That it's a focus on me, and I've been neglecting helping others. I feel bad when I come in here and I am looking at my post to help me, and not helping others. Being focused on me makes me feel guilty. What is wrong with me, lol.

[dreamingoftigers]

He tried to date me initially and I turned him down because he is such a blatent player. I am the only platonic female frend he has- and the only female he has in his life that he hasn't slept with besides his sister:p

 

I must be getting tired, I read part of this as, "I turned him down, I slept with his sister.":lmao: Like I lost most of the paragraph!

 

You know what's made me feel bad during this break up? That it's a focus on me, and I've been neglecting helping others. I feel bad when I come in here and I am looking at my post to help me, and not helping others. Being focused on me makes me feel guilty. What is wrong with me, lol.

 

You know that you have to take care of yourself first right?

[D-Lish]

^^^^

 

You seriously need to get a grip if you feel the need to do this all because you don't agree with someone's opinion on an internet site.

 

 

 

Here is some helpful advice: Go to some counseling and stop hiding from under another account. Your first post and you already know what an infraction is on LS? Don't make me find out who you are.

 

I don't know how you ended up on my thread, but you really didn't read what has happened between me and my ex.

 

You jumped right in and told me to let the poor sap go- but you obviously didn't read that I've just had a miscarriage and things fell apart after that- then he broke up with me. You can say what you want to say, it's a free world, but I think if you read my story from beginning to end you'd never had said what you said in your first post to this thread.