The dreaded break up talk :-(

[D-Lish]

Actually, bedtime. They need a tired face on here.

 

It would apply, I mean how many people on here are tired of relationship bull****? Right?

 

Glad the intimately-challened man post helps.

 

Wish that I would have wrote it six years ago, but I digress and whine about my marriage LOL. It is a day that ends in "Y" after all.

 

So tired of it. I know it sounds weird, but despite all the pain the rejection caused, I actually feel some semblence of relief to be alone again. As much as I loved having a partner- being vulnerable always stressed me out on the inside.

 

I don't know how to be in a relationship and get past that stress of exposing myself. Every single relationship has taught me that being vulnerable exposes me to the possibility of pain... and that's all I think about when I love someone- that I've given them over the power to crush me. Then I begin to resent and act out and sabotage. Same pattern over and over. I want to break that pattern so badly.

 

I had such great intentions with my ex, but I fell into my same old pattern despite those intentions. Granted, I was pregnant, and not entirely in control over my hormones- but that only made my pattern come to fruition on steriods.

 

I was never going to win with my ex- despite having the inclination to break my pattern. We turned out to be a horrible match. A different man wouldn't have judged me so harshly for my neediness while pregnant.

 

Now as I move forward all I can think of is how I can do things differently the next time. I have to figure that out or I'm going to die alone.

 

My thoughts are with you "all the time" as I hope for the best for you.

 

P.S. Beware, the Flyers are the arch nemesis of the Lightning!!

 

Thanks A, my thoughts are with you too.

Tampa Bay is no threat!

[Sugarkane]

D Lish I applaud you for even having a breakup talk. It seems most people these days don't even bother. When its easier to blame verything on the dumpee and dump them by phone or email. All you have to do is read the breakup thread to see this. It could've been easy for you.

[pandagirl]

So tired of it. I know it sounds weird, but despite all the pain the rejection caused, I actually feel some semblence of relief to be alone again. As much as I loved having a partner- being vulnerable always stressed me out on the inside.

 

I don't know how to be in a relationship and get past that stress of exposing myself. Every single relationship has taught me that being vulnerable exposes me to the possibility of pain... and that's all I think about when I love someone- that I've given them over the power to crush me. Then I begin to resent and act out and sabotage. Same pattern over and over. I want to break that pattern so badly.

 

I had such great intentions with my ex, but I fell into my same old pattern despite those intentions. Granted, I was pregnant, and not entirely in control over my hormones- but that only made my pattern come to fruition on steriods.

 

I was never going to win with my ex- despite having the inclination to break my pattern. We turned out to be a horrible match. A different man wouldn't have judged me so harshly for my neediness while pregnant.

 

Now as I move forward all I can think of is how I can do things differently the next time. I have to figure that out or I'm going to die alone.

 

Thanks A, my thoughts are with you too.

Tampa Bay is no threat!

 

I know what you mean, D. I feel that same trepidation whenever I start dating someone -- the fear of getting hurt. It's almost paralyzing, and once that fear starts to take over, that pattern of push/pull repeats itself.

 

But over the past 8 months of working through my emotions of my last relationship, I think the idea -- what I am working on -- is knowing that no matter what happens, I have myself. And if I have that and know I am strong and awesome regardless of what may happen, then I won't give that "power" over to a man. I think we both intensely internalize the actions of our significant other. Meaning, if their feelings change or they start treat us differently, we feel we are to blame. We want to make everything better. we're pleasers at a detriment to ourselves.

 

It's about believing: "I'm awesome and no matter what you think of me or what unfolds, I am still awesome."

 

And you won't die alone! If we're both in our 60s and we're single, I'm coming to move in with you! We just need two more ladies and we can be like the Golden Girls!

[D-Lish]

I know what you mean, D. I feel that same trepidation whenever I start dating someone -- the fear of getting hurt. It's almost paralyzing, and once that fear starts to take over, that pattern of push/pull repeats itself.

 

But over the past 8 months of working through my emotions of my last relationship, I think the idea -- what I am working on -- is knowing that no matter what happens, I have myself. And if I have that and know I am strong and awesome regardless of what may happen, then I won't give that "power" over to a man. I think we both intensely internalize the actions of our significant other. Meaning, if their feelings change or they start treat us differently, we feel we are to blame. We want to make everything better. we're pleasers at a detriment to ourselves.

 

It's about believing: "I'm awesome and no matter what you think of me or what unfolds, I am still awesome."

 

And you won't die alone! If we're both in our 60s and we're single, I'm coming to move in with you! We just need two more ladies and we can be like the Golden Girls!

 

Okay, I want to be Blanche though:p

 

The push-pull behaviour is such an awful issue for me too:o. It's a nsty pattern to break. With each passing failed relationship, I enter into the next with even more anxiety than the previous.

 

I spent almost 6 years single before meeting my ex- precisely because the pain of losing someone outweighed the risk of possibly loving someone again.

 

A part of me wants to capitalize on that openess to be happy I allowed with C- but there is a much stronger drive for me to jump back into my cave and avoid any chance at happiness with anyone- lest I have to deal with any sort of pain ever again.

 

For me, the pain of losing something always outweighs the risk of loving someone. Being in love turns me upside-down and inside out emotionally. I don't want to meet a man that will up with my BS, I want to meet a man that will be strong enough, and deem me worthy enough to push through it with me.

 

I know my ex had moved on from me "100%" long before the break up talk, and it's taking a toll on me that I'm grieving so much over all the loss and he's completely fine and entirely unaffected by what transpired between us.

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

Somehow I've missed this post. I am sorry you're experiencing so much pain, hurt, and uncertainty, m'dear. But I have to say that when you were in the relationship and posting about it, I didn't see evidence of a real spark. He sounded steady, but not inspiring of fireworks. And honestly, your descriptions of his self-imposed physical barriers set off my radar bigtime. He may have seemed like the "good enough" guy, the guy who would show up. I've seen friends in relationships with guys who stayed around but didn't communicate, in some cases for months/years on end -- so I know what that looks like, and it ain't pretty.

 

Remember - you can't make another person happy. It's an enchanting thought, but at the end of the day the happiness has to come from inside out.

 

I have thought of "I am the prize" many times in difficult moments. Keep that with you.

[pandagirl]

Okay, I want to be Blanche though:p

 

The push-pull behaviour is such an awful issue for me too:o. It's a nsty pattern to break. With each passing failed relationship, I enter into the next with even more anxiety than the previous.

 

I spent almost 6 years single before meeting my ex- precisely because the pain of losing someone outweighed the risk of possibly loving someone again.

 

A part of me wants to capitalize on that openess to be happy I allowed with C- but there is a much stronger drive for me to jump back into my cave and avoid any chance at happiness with anyone- lest I have to deal with any sort of pain ever again.

 

For me, the pain of losing something always outweighs the risk of loving someone. Being in love turns me upside-down and inside out emotionally. I don't want to meet a man that will up with my BS, I want to meet a man that will be strong enough, and deem me worthy enough to push through it with me.

 

I know my ex had moved on from me "100%" long before the break up talk, and it's taking a toll on me that I'm grieving so much over all the loss and he's completely fine and entirely unaffected by what transpired between us.

 

Deal, I'll be Rose!

 

First of all, you don't know if he is "completely fine" or not. I'm going to tell you what my therapist tells me: You're making up stories. You can't assume what you can't possibly know.

 

I think you are stuck in the pattern of thinking if you had just done x,y and z, you wouldn't be in this position now. Fine. Let's suppose you never got pregnant, and you continued to be the "perfect girlfriend" like you wanted to be. Eventually disagreements and fights would happen -- sometimes little things, something bigger things. Bit by bit, his inability to communicate and establish emotional intimacy would come into fruition. The pregnancy exposed all of this in one fell swoop; it was intense. However, your relationship would have eventually evolved into the same situation, just more gradually and bit by bit.

 

You said the "the pain of losing something always outweighs the risk of loving someone." I understand that. I think everyone gets their heart broken. The key is to believe that even if that happens, you're still OK.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish -

 

Somehow I've missed this post. I am sorry you're experiencing so much pain, hurt, and uncertainty, m'dear. But I have to say that when you were in the relationship and posting about it, I didn't see evidence of a real spark. He sounded steady, but not inspiring of fireworks. And honestly, your descriptions of his self-imposed physical barriers set off my radar bigtime. He may have seemed like the "good enough" guy, the guy who would show up. I've seen friends in relationships with guys who stayed around but didn't communicate, in some cases for months/years on end -- so I know what that looks like, and it ain't pretty.

 

Remember - you can't make another person happy. It's an enchanting thought, but at the end of the day the happiness has to come from inside out.

 

I have thought of "I am the prize" many times in difficult moments. Keep that with you.

 

Thanks Gala,

 

I reccognize logically everything you are saying- and it resonates, it really does. I think it's just the emotional roller coaster ride- processing the hurt and sadness that comes with being rejected by someone you care about.

 

I am logical about it one moment, and emotional about it the next, despite the fact that the logic fits.

 

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know had we been tested in another way down the road, it would have fallen apart, I know it's a blessing in disguise. I just have these moments where I remember the wonderful, intimate moments where both of us seemed like we were falling into this wonderful place. I'm trying not to focus on that too much- but it's hard not too:o

 

Deal, I'll be Rose!

 

First of all, you don't know if he is "completely fine" or not. I'm going to tell you what my therapist tells me: You're making up stories. You can't assume what you can't possibly know.

 

I think you are stuck in the pattern of thinking if you had just done x,y and z, you wouldn't be in this position now. Fine. Let's suppose you never got pregnant, and you continued to be the "perfect girlfriend" like you wanted to be. Eventually disagreements and fights would happen -- sometimes little things, something bigger things. Bit by bit, his inability to communicate and establish emotional intimacy would come into fruition. The pregnancy exposed all of this in one fell swoop; it was intense. However, your relationship would have eventually evolved into the same situation, just more gradually and bit by bit.

 

You said the "the pain of losing something always outweighs the risk of loving someone." I understand that. I think everyone gets their heart broken. The key is to believe that even if that happens, you're still OK.

 

Thanks Panda,

 

I know I'll be okay in the sense that I'll eventually get over "him", I'm emotionally over all my ex's, and there isn't one person I've pined for after I've let them go. I'm more worried about my ability to be open with anyone ever again. With each passing burn, I retreat more and more into myself. It took me six years to allow myself to feel love- and now that I've had another burn, I feel myself turtling to the point of just wanting to stay in the comfort of that shell.

 

With each heartache, the walls I've built become higher. I feel like it's a few steps forward, then 10 steps back. It took me six years to take a few steps forward, only to find myself 10 steps back in a few short months.

 

Something that stands out to me during our break up talk is that he said " everything just happened too fast for me". That pisses me off because HE pushed that, not me. He took it to that place- He was the fire underneath that acceleration process. He pushed it, then retreated, and then somehow made me feel like I was to blame for that.

 

There are certainly things I do need to recognize as my own issues in the break up. I didn't listent o my instincts, and I did follow my pattern of push-pull behaviour. I can't do that the next time someone I really like comes along- I have to learn how to break this pattern.

 

I am actually picturing you as the asian version of Rose:love:

And it makes me smile.

 

Thanks for listening and helping me out Rose:lmao:

[Kamille]

I'm under-cafeinated and rambling, but here goes:

 

Maybe now's not the time to worry about turtling D. You just got deeply hurt. Of course the thought of letting yourself be vulnerable again sounds daunting.

 

Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel this way and don't worry about those walls just yet. Let's tackle those walls once you get to a point when you feel ready to get back out there in the dating world.

 

And I think TBF has pinpointed something important: once you start dating again, show some minor vulnerabilities and see how your future dates react. Will they pull away or will their protective instinct kick in? You're a very giving person, so your ideal match is an equally generous man (who'll also appreciate what you have to give).

 

That being said: way too soon to worry about it.

[Gala]

Kamille makes a very good suggestion about "testing" with small vulnerabilities the next time around. D-Lish, it might also be worth extending that to life outside of relationships...finding little ways, step by step, to be more human with friends and such. Now, you are in self-protective mode...but this will change.

 

I have fought this battle for a very long time, and it's still a challenge for me. But I oversaw my elderly mother's affairs for almost four years, and I think it's given me a different perspective on vulnerability. Fraility is such a part of the human condition, although our society tries its best to deny it...

 

Your ex's exclamations about the speed of your relationship are in part about his own guilt. And this is exactly the stage when someone like him is going to try to deflect.

 

Do you have the Iyanla Vanzant book In the Meantime? What she really does well is capture the emotions and motivations around uncertainty, fear, and dishonesty in relationships. She also points out that the ecstatic feelings of "falling" are not caused by the other person...and this really took me aback the first time I read it. "It's you!" she says. Her point is that these feelings are also a reflection of your sentiments about yourself and your life. Worth thinking about.

[D-Lish]

Cross the bridge when I come to it! That makes sense. I guess it doesn't make sense to worry about how I might fail in future relationships when I haven't even gotten over this one.

 

I've still got a lot of loss to process, and that should be my priority.

 

I don't know which loss was worse, the MC, or him leaving me right afterward- certainly combined, it is a lot of loss to happen all at once.

 

It still boggles my mind that someone could just pick up, walk away and shut someone out so coldly after going through something like that. Not that I'd have wanted him to stick around when he didn't love me out of pity- but the fact that he stayed with me out of duty and pity in the first place. I feel a little humiliated by that knowledge.

 

Losing him sucks, but knowing I never had him in the first place just makes me feel so embarrassed about trusting him enough to let him in.

 

But everyone is right, now is probably not the time to be thinking ahead to how I might disappoint in the future- I need to deal with the loss first before jumping ahead.

 

Kamille makes a very good suggestion about "testing" with small vulnerabilities the next time around. D-Lish, it might also be worth extending that to life outside of relationships...finding little ways, step by step, to be more human with friends and such. Now, you are in self-protective mode...but this will change.

 

I have fought this battle for a very long time, and it's still a challenge for me. But I oversaw my elderly mother's affairs for almost four years, and I think it's given me a different perspective on vulnerability. Fraility is such a part of the human condition, although our society tries its best to deny it...

 

Your ex's exclamations about the speed of your relationship are in part about his own guilt. And this is exactly the stage when someone like him is going to try to deflect.

 

Do you have the Iyanla Vanzant book In the Meantime? What she really does well is capture the emotions and motivations around uncertainty, fear, and dishonesty in relationships. She also points out that the ecstatic feelings of "falling" are not caused by the other person...and this really took me aback the first time I read it. "It's you!" she says. Her point is that these feelings are also a reflection of your sentiments about yourself and your life. Worth thinking about.

 

So is she speaking of the person that tends to turtle, or the person that gets involved with someone prone to evoking this "falling behaviour"? I'm going to have to google her.

[GrayClouds]

very sorry for your loses.

[D-Lish]

very sorry for your loses.

 

Thanks GC. Break ups suck:o

[Art_Critic]

How are you ?.. nevermind.. just read up on the thread...

 

D.... are you going out with your GF's ?

[D-Lish]

How are you ?.. nevermind.. just read up on the thread...

 

D.... are you going out with your GF's ?

 

Not often Art- I try to get us all together, but they are dealing with marriages and children and that kind of stuff. That's what it's like in your late 30's, early 40's- when you're single, you kinda get left out when all your friends are dealing with marriages and kids.

 

It's funny, guess who the first person they call is when one of them wants a night out? I remember when I first met my ex, my gf called me in tears saying her husband just left her. I was actually on a date with my now ex, in the dog park- and I told him I had a friend in trouble and had to go be with her. They reconciled almost immediately, and when I asked her to meet me after my break up, something's always come up for her.

 

I don't have any single gf's- I have a room mate that I consider a close friend- but he's a guy, and he's seeing someone that glares at me like she wants to punch me when she sees me, so our relationship has been comprimised too.

 

I don't know how you find single friends when you are single and 41. I feel like the world has passed me by.

[Gala]

D - re. your question, Iyanla is actually talking about the state of falling for someone at all, good relationship or bad. She doesn't really pursue the "why we make the choices we do" discourse in the systematic way that a lot of psychologists do. Her writing is a lot more inspirational than I'm usually into, and sometimes prone to contradictions. But what she means (and apologies for not being more specific about this earlier) is that falling for another is a manifestation of the divine in the self. Of course, attraction plays a role, but that's not her primary focus.

 

And for the record, your ex is going to be living with his failure to show up for you for a long time.

[D-Lish]

D - re. your question, Iyanla is actually talking about the state of falling for someone at all, good relationship or bad. She doesn't really pursue the "why we make the choices we do" discourse in the systematic way that a lot of psychologists do. Her writing is a lot more inspirational than I'm usually into, and sometimes prone to contradictions. But what she means (and apologies for not being more specific about this earlier) is that falling for another is a manifestation of the divine in the self. Of course, attraction plays a role, but that's not her primary focus.

 

And for the record, your ex is going to be living with his failure to show up for you for a long time.

 

I'll have to look up her book at Chapter's the next time I go. Sometimes I wonder around in the self help section and I feel like everyone in that section just avoids eye contact with everyone else, lol. Thanks for the tip.

 

I know he felt A LOT of guilt in the end, I saw it in his eyes. When he broke up with me, at the time I felt sooooo horrible for being needy when I was pregnant, that I accepted all the blame for not being able to connect with him- and I told him I was sorry for being so emotional. It's so weird, but seeing how hard it was on him to break up with me, I actually felt bad for him and wanted to relieve some of his pain. I knew actually facing me and being honest with me was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do. I guess a part of me respected that he was FINALLY saying something of substance- even if it was that he didn't love me, and doesn't know what love is.

 

I always had an incling that he had a lot of pain shoved deep down inside of him- and even in the moment of our break up, I wanted to let him off a little easier. There was pride present too- I didn't want him to feel sorry for me.

 

I am sure he will carry some semblence of guilt over not being able to be strong for me- to what degree I'll never know. I think relief is the biggest emotion he felt and still feels.

 

Sorry for rambling again, Sundays have been the biggest trigger for me- it was always our day. For a really long time before him- like 6 years- I got used to being alone. I often found comfort in it. But having someone by my side, waking up with someone every day, and knowing I had someone to come home to every night- well, it was such a nice feeling.

Edited May 2, 2011 by D-Lish

[Gala]

Your ex's guilt will last quite a bit longer than his relief...

 

I have never been pregnant, and/but I can't imagine the horror of being with someone who didn't have the capacity to help his partner with whatever was needed. It is natural that pregnancy and miscarriage create vulnerability, and I hope that eventually you will forgive yourself for feeling needy during this time.

[D-Lish]

Your ex's guilt will last quite a bit longer than his relief...

 

I have never been pregnant, and/but I can't imagine the horror of being with someone who didn't have the capacity to help his partner with whatever was needed. It is natural that pregnancy and miscarriage create vulnerability, and I hope that eventually you will forgive yourself for feeling needy during this time.

 

Thanks Gala:love:

 

It's an emotional roller coaster, that's for sure. I'm learning to forgive myself a little more and more each day. The more I put things into perspective, the more I realize that there was really very little I could do to save things. He was broken long before he walked into my life. Him walking out on me was just accelerated by the weight of the situation.

[Dust]

Dust-Lish You’re fine. You’re a real catch and that guy was a ginger-bot.

[Gala]

Take care of yourself, and leave him in the dust!

[D-Lish]

Dust-Lish You’re fine. You’re a real catch and that guy was a ginger-bot.

 

Lol, thanks.

 

Take care of yourself, and leave him in the dust!

 

I'm trying. I still can't believe it's really over and he's out of my life for good.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll have to look up her book at Chapter's the next time I go. Sometimes I wonder around in the self help section and I feel like everyone in that section just avoids eye contact with everyone else, lol. Thanks for the tip.

.

 

LOL I have had my hangout moments there in the last year! Except I am one if the hardcore sickos who will actually order stuff in!

 

Can't help it:)

 

I should try staring people down when they reach out for a book. Hahaha. I honestly bet that Chapters gets 20% of their sakes from that section! I mean really who buys Sci-Fi written in 1953?

[D-Lish]

LOL I have had my hangout moments there in the last year! Except I am one if the hardcore sickos who will actually order stuff in!

 

Can't help it:)

 

I should try staring people down when they reach out for a book. Hahaha. I honestly bet that Chapters gets 20% of their sakes from that section! I mean really who buys Sci-Fi written in 1953?

 

 

Lol! Maybe one of these days we'll meet the man of our dreams in that section. Maybe he'll be clutching a book "how to overcome a woman that pushes you away" and I'll be holding "how not to push men away"- our eyes will meet- and we'll have a story book ending:lmao:

[dreamingoftigers]

Lol! Maybe one of these days we'll meet the man of our dreams in that section. Maybe he'll be clutching a book "how to overcome a woman that pushes you away" and I'll be holding "how not to push men away"- our eyes will meet- and we'll have a story book ending:lmao:

 

LOL awesome. I can see my self-help romance too! Him and I both reach for the last copy of "how to get over having had a sexually addicted partner and move on with your love life."

 

Of course the whole thing would go entirely up in flames if we went and got a hotel room right after.

[D-Lish]

LOL awesome. I can see my self-help romance too! Him and I both reach for the last copy of "how to get over having had a sexually addicted partner and move on with your love life."

 

Of course the whole thing would go entirely up in flames if we went and got a hotel room right after.

 

 

I remember wanting to read the twilight series and I couldn't find it so I had to ask an associate. She just smirked and pointed to the kids section.