The dreaded break up talk :-(

[D-Lish]

It happened, it's over:(

 

I feel so terrible...

[Kamille]

((D-Lish))

 

__________________

[jerbear]

((D-Lish))

 

__________________

 

Ditto

 

Hey d-licious,

 

Give yourself to get over things and everything else.

 

We're here if you need us, you can also call, etc.

[pandagirl]

I'm sorry, D.

 

Big hugs to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

:(:(:(

 

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you're holding hands walking down thestreet -- and the next minute you're lying on the floor crying and all the goodCD's are missing.-- [/FONT]

 

Well just be glad it wasn't any of these excuses: either him to you or you to him.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]16 "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]15 "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]14 "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]13 "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]12 "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]11 "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]10 "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]9 "I have early-onset onanism."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]8 "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with." [FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]7 "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah-- on the subway, I think."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]6 "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]5 "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]4 "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]3 "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]2 "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]and the Number 1 Worst Breakup Excuse...[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial,helvetica][sIZE=2]1 "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Hope it isn't too inappropriate...Hope that you pull through soon.[/FONT]

[Art_Critic]

Hey D...

Sorry about the breakup... ** hugz**

[D-Lish]

 

Thanks to you all.

 

If it's okay, I might continue to vent for a bit.

 

I think a part of me went into this break up thinking we might be able to find our way back to one another at some point, and I was really holding on to that hope as a way of avoiding the grief.

 

I really discovered tonight how wrong I was about him, about us, about everything.

 

He basically said he doesn't know what love is, he doesn't think he's ever felt it, and he said he doesn't think we are right for one another. I know in his last relationship, he lived with the girl, and for the last 6 months, he wanted out, and he said they just existed in the same house barely talking, never having sex, etc. This has been a pattern for him. He comes on strong, dives in fast- then emotionally exits just as quickly. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I pay attentiont to that?

 

I just got such a different perspective tonight. I believed in my heart that we had this connection to one another because of the pregnancy- that space might give both of us clearer heads. But he made it very clear that it was over. He said he'd been putting things off because of the timeline- in other words, he didn't want to seem like a bad guy breaking up with me while I was pregnant or too soon after my miscarriage.

 

In the beginning, I actually wrote a post that he was going to blow it with me because he came on so strong! But here I am in the end, heart broken.

 

I have to admit to everyone that sometimes I posture a little, I pretend I am much stronger than I am. I think I've known for a while- that this guy just wasn't into me. And that was hard to admit- to everyone here, to my friends, and to myself.

 

I don't know guys, I remember the first time I ever posted on LS, like 6 years ago- and I was sitting in tears the same way I am now.

 

I think I knew he was beginning to reject me before the miscarriage- but I couldn't voice it- I just couldn't let myself believe it fully. The thought that he only stayed with me and told me he loved me was because I was pregnant and FELT SORRY FOR ME is the worst realization ever.

 

I truly thought we were going to have a tearful talk, maybe agree to some space to get our acts together. I was so wrong, and so off base. He felt sorry for me when he told me he didn't love me- but the look on his face also spelled out such a sense of relief.

 

I think what really, really hurts, is that he shut down so soon after the miscarriage. I really feel like a fool believing he loved me all this time. I should have seen the signs- especially his inability to communicate with me about the pregnancy.

 

I just feel like such a fool. The first guy I've truly let in, in such a long time. I really invested in him- more than I've let on here (because I don't even letting you guys know I am vulnerable!)

 

I came right home and deleted him on facebook, changed my relationship status, deleted his number from my phone- and all his email contact info.

I know have to be really strong and stay NC.

 

This is why I avoid relationships- the ****ing sadness involved with rejection is terrible, it's just terrible.

 

I'm sorry for ranting- I really need some help tonight.

Edited April 10, 2011 by D-Lish

[Kamille]

Ah D!

 

What an emotionally broken man he is.

 

Please do your best not to internalize his inability to open up to others.

 

I hate that he did this to you. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You deserve to meet a man who will be worthy of your trust.

 

Why is love so f-ing hard?

[Kamille]

And never apologize for ranting on LS. This site is here to let you rant, and hopefully some of us will help you feel better and sort your thoughts.

 

((D-Lish))

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh please,

 

This guy is so not a reflection of you and you know it.

 

You may not feel it right now and that is okay but you do know it.

 

You broke it off with a FWB not too long ago, your brain was on the hunt for something more substantial because you were getting to the right place for it.

 

Of course the first guy out the gate is likely to fail. He is bright lights and the moves and all and the intensity etc.

 

That was my H too, they don't know why the way they are but they learn fast and young how to mimic it all because they sense something is there and then can't figure out why there isn't the intimacy present that they didn't build.

 

That's why relationships go slow and steady, so that what you get isn't based on a hormone rush.

 

Forgive yourself for this one, it has been a long time and you were a little shaky and not wanting to blow it. Recover, show yourself some compassion and remember how to build from the ground up next time.

 

Not to mention that if this is his pattern, he doesn't have a freaking clue about what he feels and why half the time. If he doesn't know you can't be expected to either (unless you have some super-mind reading abilities that you don't post up). You only have his actions to go by.

 

Sharpen those skills and head out again in some time.

[D-Lish]

Ah D!

 

What an emotionally broken man he is.

 

Please do your best not to internalize his inability to open up to others.

 

I hate that he did this to you. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You deserve to meet a man who will be worthy of your trust.

 

Why is love so f-ing hard?

 

I don't know why it's so hard. I don't know why I keep choosing men with an inability to open up to others- but that's something broken in me. And as insightful as I am, I can't figure out why I didn't see this guy this guy coming a mile away earlier.

 

I was so wrong, I was so off base.

 

I avoided getting serious with anyone for so long precisely because being here, in the moment I am in now is unbearable.

 

And you know what hurts the most? Is knowing that when the door of his apartment closed- I was on one side heartbroken, and he was on the other relieved. I didn't see that outcome happening 5 months ago.

 

Thank you for listening, it means a lot to me.

[dreamingoftigers]

So is it the guy, or is it a dynamic you set up by being overattached or what?

 

Dance of Intimacy/ Dance of Anger has some good examples.

 

I honestly bet that dude isn't as relieved as you think he is. He is probably still trying to sort it out and IME guys will rewrite their "interest history" when they know that they can't be attached anymore. They will be like "no it wasn't a big deal, you just thought it was" about 30 seconds before they cry like a baby. I have witnessed it with friend's breakups. You may notice that a lot of the guys on here going through a D will say how they are so hurting etc. and then blow up or act real cold to the woman they want back in their lives. Total mixed signal, and then they can't figure out why she isn't banging down the door.

[whichwayisup]

((D)) tons of hugs and love to you.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I want to go read more of your thread before I reply again, but I wanted to reach out to you first.

 

Hmmm, wasn't he a Hab fan??? I'm just sayin'.. (And boy do I hope that made you smile abit..) xo

[whichwayisup]

I have a friend who had some bad luck with men. Relationship after relationship...And after each break up, she would hear that her ex(s) were engaged. Not once, not twice, not three times (sorry I HATE the word thrice!) but FOUR times... I spent many evenings with her, long conversations, lots of tears.. Guess what? A guy out of nowhere came into her life, unexpected. She's with him now going on 4 years. (Married).

 

Don't lose hope. Right now I know it's easier said than done..

So in the meantime I'll hold your hope and faith for you until you're feeling abit better.

 

I'm not going to say much about him, no point, just know that he is hurting too, even if he seems like he's relieved.

 

Hugs again..

[Art_Critic]

So....

 

Is he going to find any dog poop in his jacket pockets ?

[Ariadne]

He said he'd been putting things off because of the timeline- in other words, he didn't want to seem like a bad guy breaking up with me while I was pregnant or too soon after my miscarriage...I just feel like such a fool. The first guy I've truly let in, in such a long time.

 

Awww... sorry about that D-lish.

 

I think you had a good thing going with this guy and that you were pretty happy together... but that he freaked the heck out with the pregnancy to the point of not wanting anything to do with the whole thing anymore, thus the relief.

 

Don´t transfer what happened in his last relationship to this one because that was a different situation, or that he was not into you.

 

Too bad it had to end this way though.

 

Big hug to you and things will get better like they did with the job, and the housing, and other situations that you overcame.

 

Hope you feel better soon. Much love.

[BB07]

D-Lish.........I don't think you and I have ever conversed but I've read some of your posts and think that you are very insightful and warm and kind. So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you are hurting and things didn't work out well and I wanted to send you a hug.

[D-Lish]

So is it the guy, or is it a dynamic you set up by being overattached or what?

 

Dance of Intimacy/ Dance of Anger has some good examples.

 

I honestly bet that dude isn't as relieved as you think he is. He is probably still trying to sort it out and IME guys will rewrite their "interest history" when they know that they can't be attached anymore. They will be like "no it wasn't a big deal, you just thought it was" about 30 seconds before they cry like a baby. I have witnessed it with friend's breakups. You may notice that a lot of the guys on here going through a D will say how they are so hurting etc. and then blow up or act real cold to the woman they want back in their lives. Total mixed signal, and then they can't figure out why she isn't banging down the door.

 

It would make me feel much better to think he's somewhere out there feeling bad, or second guessing himself- but believing that would be detrimental to my healing I think, give me hope where there isn't any.

 

I saw his eyes tonight, so I know.

 

He's never broken up with anyone before, ever. He's always ridden it out until the very end, making things so unbearable that the other person leaves. That's what I found out tonight. That he's stayed in relationships, not wanting to be there. He's lived with 2 women before me- sexless, non-communicative relationships for months.

 

If I hadn't have confronted him, sat in front of him and forced his hand to say what was on his mind, he would have stayed with me, and probably forced my hand to leave him at some point.

 

I stupidly came home after the break up and sent him this: "I really did want to make you happy and I feel bad I couldn't do that, I'm going to miss you, but I understand"

 

Oh god- I sent that in a moment of weakness.

 

Afterward I deleted his number, facebook, email, etc.

[D-Lish]

I have a friend who had some bad luck with men. Relationship after relationship...And after each break up, she would hear that her ex(s) were engaged. Not once, not twice, not three times (sorry I HATE the word thrice!) but FOUR times... I spent many evenings with her, long conversations, lots of tears.. Guess what? A guy out of nowhere came into her life, unexpected. She's with him now going on 4 years. (Married).

 

Don't lose hope. Right now I know it's easier said than done..

So in the meantime I'll hold your hope and faith for you until you're feeling abit better.

 

I'm not going to say much about him, no point, just know that he is hurting too, even if he seems like he's relieved.

 

Hugs again..

 

Thank you- I hope he feels some hurt or remorse, but I didn't see it in his eyes tonight.

 

It just makes me feel bad that he actually stuck by me for a while when he didn't love me- so in other words he felt sorry for me. That makes me feel like ****.

 

I would have rather have been pregnant and broken up with than pregnant and felt sorry for, ya know?

 

 

 

So....

 

Is he going to find any dog poop in his jacket pockets ?

 

You actually made me smile Art- that is one of my best stories ever. It's great because I didn't do it on purpose, but to this day he thinks I did, lol.''

[dreamingoftigers]

I would say that it doesn't matter one way or the other about the feelings except not to sell yourself short.

 

People are complex and he isn't going to be able to be upfront and meet your needs, even though you may feel his absence now. Right now although it feels like no blessing, it actually is because it is the price of having something healthy, happy and stable in the future with someone healthy, happy and stable.

 

Take comfort in the fact that this isn't on you and that you are an intensely capably person who is able to build something healthy in the future.

 

You are not going to be going through this again unless you view it as worth the risk. Your blinders are off now and you also know (what some of us don't) that you will make it through this and that you have been through worse before and come out the other end.

 

I am sorry for your pain and wish you a speedy limbic recovery.

[pandagirl]

Aw, D. I hate this had to happen to you.

 

Don't blame yourself for anything. Don't feel stupid. The pattern of his past relationships indicates he has intimacy issues, which you weren't aware of. None of that has anything to do with you.

 

I understand what you're probably feeling, since I feel like we process things in a similar way. It's SO HARD being vulnerable, and then when you let your guard down, you end up feeling like it wasn't worth it in the end, because your worst fear came true -- that they abandoned you when you needed them the most. It's so disappointing and hurtful. Just remember that the *right* person would have stuck around. And that person is still out there. I am positive of that. You needed someone who can be strong for you, and this guy apparently doesn't have that inner strength that comes with maturity and wisdom.

 

Vent all you want. I'm listening!

[pandagirl]

It just makes me feel bad that he actually stuck by me for a while when he didn't love me- so in other words he felt sorry for me. That makes me feel like ****.

 

That's your interpretation of it, not necessarily the reality of what he felt.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you- I hope he feels some hurt or remorse, but I didn't see it in his eyes tonight.

 

It just makes me feel bad that he actually stuck by me for a while when he didn't love me- so in other words he felt sorry for me. That makes me feel like ****.

 

I would have rather have been pregnant and broken up with than pregnant and felt sorry for, ya know?

 

You're welcome..

 

That's because he isn't the type to show you or anyone else his emotions. He's closed and broken. He's scared of getting emotionally involved, invested. That has nothing to do with you, that's his big flaw! It sucks that he's made you feel bad. This is his loss..He lost a wonderful, loving and kind woman.

 

Nah, it isn't feeling sorry for you, he just has no f'ing balls! The lights are on, but nobody's home..If that makes sense..

 

LOL at the dog poo thing.

[Art_Critic]

That's because he isn't the type to show you or anyone else his emotions. He's closed and broken. He's scared of getting emotionally involved, invested. That has nothing to do with you, that's his big flaw! It sucks that he's made you feel bad. This is his loss..He lost a wonderful, loving and kind woman.

 

Nah, it isn't feeling sorry for you, he just has no f'ing balls! The lights are on, but nobody's home..If that makes sense..

 

WWII speaks the truth...

[Kamille]

I

If I hadn't have confronted him, sat in front of him and forced his hand to say what was on his mind, he would have stayed with me, and probably forced my hand to leave him at some point.

 

This just shows how good you are at taking care of yourself D. You're a smart cookie.

 

I stupidly came home after the break up and sent him this: "I really did want to make you happy and I feel bad I couldn't do that, I'm going to miss you, but I understand"

 

Oh god- I sent that in a moment of weakness.

 

You know what, I think that message is classy. Not only is it classy, I hope it helps him realize that thanks to his own emotional hang ups, he just missed out on a great catch.

 

It's pretty obvious to most of us here that he did anyway.