The dreaded break up talk :-(

[whichwayisup]

WWII speaks the truth...

 

Thanks but who's WWII??

 

This just shows how good you are at taking care of yourself D. You're a smart cookie.

 

Kamille is so right!

[Art_Critic]

Thanks but who's WWII??

 

 

Typo..the I and U are right next to each other... WWII...hahahaha

[westernxer]

Glad you could put this to bed. It's never easy.

[D-Lish]

Glad you could put this to bed. It's never easy.

 

I have a feeling it will be a long time before I can put this to bed.

 

My self esteem was crawling out of the toilet when I met him, and I feel like I've been flushed again.

 

I dunno, I really invested, and that's not something I do often.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have a feeling it will be a long time before I can put this to bed.

 

My self esteem was crawling out of the toilet when I met him, and I feel like I've been flushed again.

 

I dunno, I really invested, and that's not something I do often.

 

You'll find it again and then someone nice and true will reinforce it!

[D-Lish]

 

You know what, I think that message is classy. Not only is it classy, I hope it helps him realize that thanks to his own emotional hang ups, he just missed out on a great catch.

 

It's pretty obvious to most of us here that he did anyway.

 

I dunno Kam. Something is wrong with me that I keep ending up in this situation.

 

All I can tell you is that I can't imagine after mustering the courage to invest in someone after soooo long- that I could do it again.

 

The divorce, a failed experiment or two, and then I met this guy, and I fell for him, allowed myself to be vulnerable.

 

I feel like a horse's ass.

[westernxer]

I have a feeling it will be a long time before I can put this to bed.

 

My self esteem was crawling out of the toilet when I met him, and I feel like I've been flushed again.

 

I dunno, I really invested, and that's not something I do often.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean about the investment part. At least you know your standing with him, painful as it may be. I don't envy your position, but I'm pulling for you to come out of this with minimal scarring. Right now your head must be spinning, if not your intestinal fortitude. Regardless, you have nothing to be ashamed of, because the pursuit of love is a noble endeavor, and your heart was in the right place.

[Kamille]

I dunno Kam. Something is wrong with me that I keep ending up in this situation.

 

All I can tell you is that I can't imagine after mustering the courage to invest in someone after soooo long- that I could do it again.

 

The divorce, a failed experiment or two, and then I met this guy, and I fell for him, allowed myself to be vulnerable.

 

I feel like a horse's ass.

 

Oh my God D, you're so far from being foolish for allowing yourself to open up to someone. He's the horse's ass. You? You were brave and courageous.

 

God I hate him for making you feel this way.

 

As to your track record... You want me to tell you mine? It'll make you feel better. But I don't think there is anything wrong with you. As Art's sig used to say: Some day someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anybody else.

 

So please stop beating yourself up, wondering if there is something wrong with you. Focus instead on being good to yourself.

[sb129]

I honesty think there is something about the whole pregnancy/loss thing that women can relate to, that men just can't properly understand. It really messed me up- but it happened to my body- so he was really just a witness to the "crazy"- and I just wish I could have had him live one day in my shoes to know how much it affected me- just to understand where I was coming from for one day.

 

As much as many men would like to be able to understand the hormonal rollercoaster that is a womans mind and body, its very very hard for them to "get it" as you say.

 

My husband found it hard to deal with me when I was pregnant, and he wasn't really emotionally prepared for the reality of my pregnancy until our daughter actually arrived.

 

I have just been to stay with a friend who is having difficulty conceiving, and she told me that her husband doesn't really get it either, he wants kids but its not as important to him as it is to her, and he tries, but he doesn't really understand how awful it is for her when she gets her period every month.

 

So you're right- its highly unlikely that your ex has even a remote clue how awful this has been for you.

 

You're grieving for a few things right now, and I think you are doing remarkably well D-Lish, you are still really philosophical about things even though I know its painful for you.

 

You're a strong person. Chin up... you'll get there.

[Ariadne]

The divorce, a failed experiment or two, and then I met this guy, and I fell for him, allowed myself to be vulnerable.

 

I think he might still reconsider this.

 

Now breaking up is an escape, but once he starts feeling lonely he might change his mind. You never know.

 

But for now just pamper yourself and try and remember the good times as such and not like some twisted thing that you were fooled and so on.

[Duckduckgoose]

I have been reading on this and while I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said I just want you to know that I will pray for you

[optimistgirl]

The divorce, a failed experiment or two, and then I met this guy, and I fell for him, allowed myself to be vulnerable.

 

I feel like a horse's ass.

 

D-Lish, I know that feeling all too well because that's exactly how I feel now. I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out. I know how disappointing it can be, but you'll get through this. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm trying to live by the same advice I'm giving you! It's difficult, but you're gonna come out of this stronger. Sending hugs your way...

[D-Lish]

I've barely slept, just tossing and turning in between bouts of bawling.

 

He sent me a text this morning in response to mine from last night and just said "I feel bad too And I will miss you too :-("

 

It's so hard. I can't ever see myself giving my heart to anyone ever again.

[Art_Critic]

Hey D...

 

Just wanted to say good morning..

I know it sucks right now and I won't bore you with all the cliches.. just ** hugs**

[DollyGirl12]

I've barely slept, just tossing and turning in between bouts of bawling.

 

He sent me a text this morning in response to mine from last night and just said "I feel bad too And I will miss you too :-("

 

It's so hard. I can't ever see myself giving my heart to anyone ever again.

 

 

Hi, I just read your thread and I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. A MC is very painful and then the loss of your relationship. You are entitled to your pain and your feelings. Please remember that.

 

And you will feel for someone again. Someone more suited for you. But it will take time. You are going through the feelings that most of us go through after a breakup with someone we truly loved and felt we connected with. What you are feeling is normal. I would be more weary of the person who said "oh it's ok, I'll go out and find someone immediately to replace them with".

 

We all have those feelings of connection with that person that make it very hard for us to feel like we can connect in the same way again with someone else. But with time (and some need more time than others) it will happen for you.

HUGS!!!

[Kamille]

Like Art, I'm just checking in - but I won't step away from the cliches I believe in. Take good care of yourself today D. And if you feel like giving up on relationships for awhile, please do so. You have plenty of people here who care about you, and I'm sure your friends and family in real life love you even more. Don't hesitate to seek the support of friends. ((D)).

[D-Lish]

Thanks for the well wishes.

I know I should get up and put some pants on and do something, but I can't stop crying.

 

I am dreading having to handle work tomorrow- I can't imagine not breaking down at some point and that just can't happen.

 

Everything seemed to happen so fast. We met, fell for one another, I got pregnant quickly and things started to unravel- then I had the MC and now he's gone.

 

I just wanted to reconnect with him so badly after the MC, try and take things back to where they were. Those first few months were one of the happiest times for me. I honestly haven't been that happy in 15 years.

 

It's just been so painful this past month, feeling that happiness slip through my fingers, and not being able to do anything to save it.

 

I know he has issues- telling me he doesn't know what love is, that he's never experienced it. And all his relationships have ended in the same pattern. I just don't know why I didn't see him coming, he's a classic commitment phobe, and I thought I was smarter than to fall for one again.

 

I know it was barely 6 months we were together, but so much happened.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the well wishes.

I know I should get up and put some pants on and do something, but I can't stop crying.

 

I am dreading having to handle work tomorrow- I can't imagine not breaking down at some point and that just can't happen.

 

Everything seemed to happen so fast. We met, fell for one another, I got pregnant quickly and things started to unravel- then I had the MC and now he's gone.

 

I just wanted to reconnect with him so badly after the MC, try and take things back to where they were. Those first few months were one of the happiest times for me. I honestly haven't been that happy in 15 years.

 

It's just been so painful this past month, feeling that happiness slip through my fingers, and not being able to do anything to save it.

 

I know he has issues- telling me he doesn't know what love is, that he's never experienced it. And all his relationships have ended in the same pattern. I just don't know why I didn't see him coming, he's a classic commitment phobe, and I thought I was smarter than to fall for one again.

 

I know it was barely 6 months we were together, but so much happened.

 

Do you meditate? Even a little meditation break across the day can help reset you in your darkest times.

 

D-Lish there is no doubt that you will recover from this but you seem to be taking it almost like there is a flaw in you, like it is because of your people-picker.

 

Sometimes the little red flags don't crop up until a little later and the rush of finding someone new blots them out a bit. That's why we generally stay in relationships longer then the initial rush before we really commit to them. You couldn't have been much past that beginning stage at all. Sometimes these things take a little extra time to figure out.

[D-Lish]

Do you meditate? Even a little meditation break across the day can help reset you in your darkest times.

 

D-Lish there is no doubt that you will recover from this but you seem to be taking it almost like there is a flaw in you, like it is because of your people-picker.

 

Sometimes the little red flags don't crop up until a little later and the rush of finding someone new blots them out a bit. That's why we generally stay in relationships longer then the initial rush before we really commit to them. You couldn't have been much past that beginning stage at all. Sometimes these things take a little extra time to figure out.

 

I don't meditate, I have been trying to practice deep breathing lately though- sometimes it helps with my anxiety.

 

I know I will recover from this, I just think I am going to come out the other side even more damaged and jaded. I waited so long to give my heart to someone- I just avoided it all together. And then someone came along and really blew me away, and I made myself completely vulnerable to him- and he couldn't love me back. I do keep choosing people that can't love me back.

 

I really did get needy and bitchy during the pregnancy and after the MC, I really went into overdrive. I just felt so disconnected, and I just wanted that happiness back that we first had.

 

Up until our talk last night, I thought some space might bring us back together. But to hear him admit he doesn't know what love is and he's never been in love before... I realized I am just another casualty of the girls he's dated. It's beginning to make more sense now- the way he talked about his past relationships. He comes on strong and then he pulls away, and he lives in limbo. Every single one of his relationships have ended with him living with someone, not having sex, not talking anymore- just existing in the same place until the girl got fed up and left.

 

It was hard to hear he never loved me, because I believed him when he told me. I've just written a closure letter to him that I am not going to send- just something for me to keep.

 

Thank you for listening:o

[Yamaha]

I just think I am going to come out the other side even more damaged and jaded.

 

That depends on you D-Lish!

I'm sorry things didn't work 4 u. It is hard to stay positive after u feel deceived. It is hard to trust, but if you don't you really feel empty inside.

Remember the joy of love 2 help you through the sad, bitter times.

[johan]

You must not beat yourself up over this, D. Be fair to yourself. No one, even someone in a 25 year marriage, is ever above doing or saying things they wish they hadn't. It's not important for you to be flawless and perfectly understanding and level headed. It's just important that you find someone who can communicate with you. He needs to tell you where his boundaries are and treat you with compassion.

 

Did this guy ever do those things? Or did he just leave you hanging emotionally, pretending it's actually possible for Ms. Perfect to exist. Could this guy do that? I don't think so. So is this really a loss for you? Or does it free you up to go find someone who can engage with you as an adult and an equal?

 

No one here wants to see you give up hope. We all believe that you can have real success and happiness. If you beat yourself up, you'll be denying or at least delaying your chance to prove us right. It's your future with a good guy that matters, not your past with a mediocre, immature guy.

[D-Lish]

You must not beat yourself up over this, D. Be fair to yourself. No one, even someone in a 25 year marriage, is ever above doing or saying things they wish they hadn't. It's not important for you to be flawless and perfectly understanding and level headed. It's just important that you find someone who can communicate with you. He needs to tell you where his boundaries are and treat you with compassion.

 

Did this guy ever do those things? Or did he just leave you hanging emotionally, pretending it's actually possible for Ms. Perfect to exist. Could this guy do that? I don't think so. So is this really a loss for you? Or does it free you up to go find someone who can engage with you as an adult and an equal?

 

No one here wants to see you give up hope. We all believe that you can have real success and happiness. If you beat yourself up, you'll be denying or at least delaying your chance to prove us right. It's your future with a good guy that matters, not your past with a mediocre, immature guy.

 

Thanks Jo.

 

I know in my heart that what I had with him wasn't ideal. He did leave me hanging a lot emotionally. I also know that I am hanging onto those first few months where things were good. The bottom line is that as soon as something serious happened, he couldn't be there for me, not in the way I needed him to be.

 

I struggle with wondering if my expectations were just too high and that pushed him away.

 

I have to realize that had we stayed together, I would have ended up living in a sexless, empty relationship. I mean that's been his pattern, and I doubt I would have been any different. I'm the first girl he's broken up- and I know that's because I challenged him to talk to me and tell me the truth. He said in his last relationship he wanted to leave months and months before she left. I get the impression he just distanced himself to the point where his ex's had no choice but to leave after months and months of being frustrated. All of his relationships have ended like this- and I think all his future ones will end in this way as well.

 

I know I have to stop blaming myself- he told me not to blame myself. He's text me twice today to ask if I am ok, but I haven't answered. I want to, but I am trying to stay strong.

 

I just need to get through these next few days. I barely slept last night. I just kept waking up and realizing it wasn't a dream, what happened and I'd start bawling. I know that finally knowing it's done is a good thing. I've barely eaten or slept this past month because my anxiety was so high. I stepped on the scale and I've lost so much weight and the bags under my eyes are crazy. So at least I know, and I can start to really grieve and get over this.

 

Yamaha- I know I am in charge of how I handle this, and it's up to me to keep positive, to handle this positively. Thanks for saying so, I need to remind myself of that often as I go through this.

 

Being rejected is my worst nightmare, I feel so frantic, I don't even know what to do in order to start healing again. Knowing I have to put clothes on and go to work tomorrow is scaring the hell out of me because everytime I think about it, I start crying uncontrollably... And being in the position I am in with my work, I can't do that in front of all the people I manage.

[0hpenelope]

I'm just checking in too, D. You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you a ray of sunshine from where I'm at.

 

Will you be able to take a few days off from work or is that not an option at the mo'?

[D-Lish]

Hi OhP,

 

No, it's not an option, and maybe that's a good thing. I am trying to look at it as I have today to do my grieving, and tomorrow I will try and throw myself into my work to keep myself busy.

 

He's not sitting at home worrying about me, and I have to put on my big girl pants and go back to living my life, it's just going to be without him.

 

I've been reading lots of advice on other threads, and I read the laws of attraction thread. I don't want my ex back, but a lot of the advice about righting yourself has helped me to see things in a different light.

 

I've given this guy so much power over me these past two months, and I have to find a way to take it back. So I think staying home and grieving over him for another day would be giving him even more power.

 

I've relied on him to be my social outlet, I've relied on him to make me happy, and I have to find a way to make myself happy. That has to be my focus now. After the MC I just wanted HIM to make me feel better, and that was a mistake.

 

I really have been a needy, insecure mess with the pregnancy and MC, and it made me desperate. I can't believe I gave him that much power.

 

I'm trying not to think about how happy we once were- because I know now how much of an illusion that was.

 

Clearly this guy wasn't for me, but I still made those classic mistakes with him. I was so great in the beginning because he made me feel so secure and safe- but as soon as he started to distance himself, I started to self destruct again, like I always do. The common denominator in all my failed relationships is ME. I can't NOT acknowledge that as something that's wrong with me, because something in me really is broken when it comes to my relationships. I go into self doubt mode and I test people, and I always end up sabotaging things.

 

I've turned my phone off and keep deleting his number from my contact list after he texts me so I won't be tempted to stay in contact. I'm scared I'm going to break contact though, and it's only been 24 hours since we broke up.

 

I feel dumb for misreading him. I really did think I'd met a good guy, and that's going to carry forth into future guys I meet- because I am going to question everything they say and do- and probably end up driving them away too.

 

I have a lot of fixing to do. Maybe I should go back to therapy.

[threebyfate]

D, just popped in to send good vibes your way. I'm sorry to hear that he was incapable of loving and feeling.

 

Beyond that, I don't know what to say except that you're someone who's got it all going. Somehow, somewhere, there's a disconnect in what you're showing and what you need. But now's not the time to address this. Right now it's time to be kind to yourself.