The dreaded break up talk :-(

[Art_Critic]

I have a lot of fixing to do. Maybe I should go back to therapy.

 

Quit being so damn hard on yourself D...

 

You are accepting toooooooo much responsibility for this relationships passing.

 

Cut yourself some slack right now.. be good to yourself and eat tons of chocolate, preferably Dove Dark.. haha

 

When you look back you will do some introspection and figure it all out but right now isn't the time..

Heal some first girl...

 

Hugs...

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh good Lord, if you want your head examined do it at the Amen Clinic, it may cost $3000 but it would be more worthwhile than running back to counseling, unless there is grief.

 

If you think that there is an issue, read up on it and see for yourself if there is.

 

You've been through a lot lately, don't pick up another 50 lb weight on top of it.

[D-Lish]

D, just popped in to send good vibes your way. I'm sorry to hear that he was incapable of loving and feeling.

 

Beyond that, I don't know what to say except that you're someone who's got it all going. Somehow, somewhere, there's a disconnect in what you're showing and what you need. But now's not the time to address this. Right now it's time to be kind to yourself.

 

Thanks Tbf,

 

I'm trying to take today as a grieving day, just let it all out, so I can start the process of healing tomorrow.

 

I def feel better the more I talk about it.

 

Quit being so damn hard on yourself D...

 

You are accepting toooooooo much responsibility for this relationships passing.

 

Cut yourself some slack right now.. be good to yourself and eat tons of chocolate, preferably Dove Dark.. haha

 

When you look back you will do some introspection and figure it all out but right now isn't the time..

Heal some first girl...

 

Hugs...

 

I had some m&m's, but I immediately felt like I had to **** right after. lol

 

And you're right, I always tend towards being hard on myself.

 

It's hard to reconcile with the fact that 6 weeks ago we were talking about moving in together, and today I am locked in my room with puffy red eyes.

 

I turned my phone OFF.

 

I just want to get through this initial panic phase. I think I heaved and sobbed for almost 24 hours straight, and my body is reacting like I have the flu.

 

Like I said, he's not sitting at home feeling this way, and I shouldn't give him the satisfaction of doing so either. So I am giving myself today to have a free day to be a mess, and then I will start working on the healing part tomorrow.

 

I do need to find a way to be kind to myself in these coming weeks while I deal with this. My biggest problem is that I don't have a social life anymore, and I didn't have much of one when him and I met. I'm going to miss that too- having someone to spend time with everyday. We did everything together up until a month ago. I'd become so accustomed to being alone outside of work before, and it was really nice to have someone in my life again after such a long absence of that. All of my gf's are married with kids, my room mate has a gf that really doesn't like the fact that he lives with another female- so we barely chat anymore when he's home, and I find it hard at my age to make new friends.

 

I used to be such a social person, and I don't want to go back to being a hermit again. It just seemed like one by one everyone I knew coupled off and left. When I met C I felt good that I was coupling off and being a part of something bigger than me. I have a good social outlet during work hours- but I am a boss, so I can't be vulnerable around them.

 

I really do appreciate the time everyone has spent to either PM me, offer condolences or advice. It just sucks to have embraced that happiness such a short time ago, and to lose it so quickly soon after. I just really loved those 5 months of having someone in my life again. It sucks it had to be with a guy that couldn't come with me for the long haul. I invested so much in this relationship, and I honestly didn't see this coming even a couple of months back. I thought we'd be stong enough to work through everything.

 

I know I am talking a lot and all my posts are looonnnnggggg... lol.

It's helping me to process and work through it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this forum to come to right now. I'd probably be bombed in a ditch somewhere with a missing wallet and a sore ass:eek:

Edited April 10, 2011 by D-Lish

[dreamingoftigers]

Well I know the having someone to spend time with is a hard loss to swallow.

 

Did you foster any outside interests?

 

When I want to try something new I randomly select something... really broadens things and you get outside of your comfort level.

 

Like art, or gemstone faceting (that's a good one to meet guys too, especially because it is pretty technical stuff).

 

A lot of friends that I know seem to focus on work and the pub or church (depending, clearly) it is highly valuable to immerse yourself in learning a newer skill while finding a way to connect with people. It takes your mind off of things as well because you are trying to assimilate so much new information at once.

 

Give yourself a week at least. When I was younger I would lose the "breakup ten." Now that I am older and more overweight, I lose the "D-day 20." If I get my husband to step out twice more I should be able to fit into my high school pair of jeans. And people think I am foolish for keeping him around.

 

So sorry to hear of you going through all of this. The dreams should take about another week or two to settle down. If you have any trauma from either MC or BU, head off for EMDR therapy. But that is pretty much only necessary if you find it impacting your day-to-day function.

 

Do not listen to any negative messages running aroung your head for the next little bit. A lot of that is simply a construct of what you are feeling and how your brain in trying to make sense of things and adjust.

 

I very rarely say this to people on LS: you are fine, you had some rough circumstances but you aren't brutally dysfunctional. You aren't half of the things or doing half of the things that you have suggested. You just aren't.

[johan]

How do you figure your ass would have gotten sore?? Too much spicy food, I suppose.

[dreamingoftigers]

How do you figure your ass would have gotten sore?? Too much spicy food, I suppose.

 

I just thought maybe she ate her wallet....

[jerbear]

I know I am talking a lot and all my posts are looonnnnggggg... lol.

It's helping me to process and work through it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this forum to come to right now. I'd probably be bombed in a ditch somewhere with a missing wallet and a sore ass:eek:

I see your sense of humor has come back.

 

Now the sore ass... I didn't know you were into that d-lishicious.

 

Take the time to be upset and then start to heal. You've been through alot in the past few months.

[D-Lish]

Well I know the having someone to spend time with is a hard loss to swallow.

 

Did you foster any outside interests?

 

When I want to try something new I randomly select something... really broadens things and you get outside of your comfort level.

 

Like art, or gemstone faceting (that's a good one to meet guys too, especially because it is pretty technical stuff).

 

A lot of friends that I know seem to focus on work and the pub or church (depending, clearly) it is highly valuable to immerse yourself in learning a newer skill while finding a way to connect with people. It takes your mind off of things as well because you are trying to assimilate so much new information at once.

 

Give yourself a week at least. When I was younger I would lose the "breakup ten." Now that I am older and more overweight, I lose the "D-day 20." If I get my husband to step out twice more I should be able to fit into my high school pair of jeans. And people think I am foolish for keeping him around.

 

So sorry to hear of you going through all of this. The dreams should take about another week or two to settle down. If you have any trauma from either MC or BU, head off for EMDR therapy. But that is pretty much only necessary if you find it impacting your day-to-day function.

 

Do not listen to any negative messages running aroung your head for the next little bit. A lot of that is simply a construct of what you are feeling and how your brain in trying to make sense of things and adjust.

 

I very rarely say this to people on LS: you are fine, you had some rough circumstances but you aren't brutally dysfunctional. You aren't half of the things or doing half of the things that you have suggested. You just aren't.

 

Thank you, you've been really helpful, you really have.

 

When I went through my divorce, I lost 50lbs, lol. The divorce diet is a very bad, but effective diet. I was always a solid 140lbs in HS, and with my exH I went up to 160lbs because I was happy, lol. I was down to 105 after my divorce, I am 120 as of 10am this morning, which is down 12 lbs from when the last time I got weighed when I went to my dr after I miscarried. I didn't even realize I was pregnant at first- because I am 41, and I didn't think I had it in me anymore. I had been so hungry and putting on weight, and even started a diet before I realized....HMMMMM, why are my breasts so sore on top of me gaining this weight???

 

I have to be careful, because when my heart aches, I don't eat. I didn't grow up dealing with anxiety like that, but my ex MIL was crazy critical about body weight, and I've never been able to shake her criticisms. No one in my life had ever told me I was fat before I met her- and I wasn't ever really that fat. But I remember standing in front of the mirror during the divorce, when everyone had been telling me I was way too skinny- and just not seeing it.

 

I am really not a mean person, or a bad person, I'm def smart and compassionate. But I've never been able to sucessfully navigate a relationship with anyone, ever. I either choose wrong, or act wrong, or both.

 

I feel like I go through life collecting baggage, and I'm never able to get rid of it. That sucks, because I know I am insightful and I am smart- and I have the tools. Why am I 41, not being able to make a change? I advocate for other people, but I always suck putting good things in motion when it comes to myself.

 

It's just really hard, because I let my guard down with this one because I trusted him enough to do that, and he turned out to be false. I don't even know what I am destined for at this point in my life. I think I am always going to be single.

[Am4Real]

 

It's just really hard, because I let my guard down with this one because I trusted him enough to do that, and he turned out to be false. I don't even know what I am destined for at this point in my life. I think I am always going to be single.

 

You let your guard down or did he put a façade up?

 

Think about it…could it have easily been a roll he has played before and played again?

 

About you: you’re being way too hard on yourself. Many of us can tell the same story of repetitive failures with seemingly common faults, however the truth of the matter is it’s all the more likely this time around Karma, fate and other spirits knew “he wasn’t the right one” before you did and these life-forces were just waiting for you to catch up.

 

Hang in there D. We’re all here for you!

[D-Lish]

You let your guard down or did he put a façade up?

 

Think about it…could it have easily been a roll he has played before and played again?

 

About you: you’re being way too hard on yourself. Many of us can tell the same story of repetitive failures with seemingly common faults, however the truth of the matter is it’s all the more likely this time around Karma, fate and other spirits knew “he wasn’t the right one” before you did and these life-forces were just waiting for you to catch up.

 

Hang in there D. We’re all here for you!

 

Thank you, AM4R, I don't think he meant to hurt me, but you're right that this is a roll he's played a few times before.

 

You know what's hard about dating someone that says they have never been enamoured before? You want to be the first one. It becomes a challenge to break the barrier. You want to be that girl that makes your guy have a break through.

 

I'm avoiding bed, it's time, but I want to get my crying out before I hit the sack.

[florence of suburbia]

Sorry, D.

 

I just read about all this today. Nothing profound to say, just hope you feel better soon.

[Kamille]

Hi D!

 

Hope your day at work is going well. In a way, I think it's almost a blessing. Hopefully it's a thrilling but busy day, the kind that can help you momentarily forget about it all.

 

((D))

[D-Lish]

Thanks, I am at work now.

I've been training all day and then the girls made me set up a pof account, lol. I'm obviously in no shape to be dating- but hey I've already been propositioned by a married man and a couple seeking a threesome- yay me.

 

It wasn't actually a bad thing to get up, get dressed, and go to work. At least I kept my mind off things- and of course we are all women, so we've been talking all day.

 

I've realized something about our sex life, and what it might mean.

a) he didn't enjoy kissing, not passionately anyway- he'd barely open his mouth.

b) he only liked sex from behind- never facing one another. In the 6 months we were together, we had sex once facing each other- and that was the first time (and he said he couldn't come that way).

c) actual intercourse was infrequent- it was mostly oral.

 

It sort of struck me over the past week or so that this is extreme intimacy avoidance behaviour isn't it? Well, either that or he's gay. But I believe now it's another way for him to avoid intimacy. These little things were always in the back of my head- but looking back, it seems so weird to me.

 

Yes, I am still processing things in my head frantically.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks, I am at work now.

I've been training all day and then the girls made me set up a pof account, lol. I'm obviously in no shape to be dating- but hey I've already been propositioned by a married man and a couple seeking a threesome- yay me.

 

It wasn't actually a bad thing to get up, get dressed, and go to work. At least I kept my mind off things- and of course we are all women, so we've been talking all day.

 

I've realized something about our sex life, and what it might mean.

a) he didn't enjoy kissing, not passionately anyway- he'd barely open his mouth.

b) he only liked sex from behind- never facing one another. In the 6 months we were together, we had sex once facing each other- and that was the first time (and he said he couldn't come that way).

c) actual intercourse was infrequent- it was mostly oral.

 

It sort of struck me over the past week or so that this is extreme intimacy avoidance behaviour isn't it? Well, either that or he's gay. But I believe now it's another way for him to avoid intimacy. These little things were always in the back of my head- but looking back, it seems so weird to me.

 

Yes, I am still processing things in my head frantically.

 

My H had very similar behaviors in bed, low to no kissing, sex from behind and a strong preference for oral.

 

Red flags. (not the oral thing)

[melodymatters]

D-Lish !

 

I have followed all of your threads for years now, damn we should at least have moved to the PM stage by now, what, are we committmentphobes ?!?

 

Sweetie, it was SO great that you opened up to this new relationship at ALL ! Please don't let one person set you back. I too had a pregnancy issue end a relationship and there IS NO NORMAL after that. I guess in the old days, your dad would have held a shotgun to his head and you'd all be married now, dealing with this. Would that be better or worse ?

 

 

I'm glad you at least have a network of female friends, I'm jealous !

 

And yeah, I DO think a man who doesn't open up to kissing ( had 2 in my life and both emotional cripples, single now, imagine that ?!?) and doggie style only is a bit indicitive.

 

Hang in there and surf whatever waves the world is throwing you : We both lost homes and careers at the same time and we survived that. Since, I've buried a husband and you've been through this terrible time.

 

I can only believe that we will survive to enjoy a new chapter !

 

Hugs ! XOXOX

[Am4Real]

My H had very similar behaviors in bed, low to no kissing, sex from behind and a strong preference for oral.

 

Red flags. (not the oral thing)

 

Do you want a guys take on it?

[dreamingoftigers]

The kissing thing deals directly with bonding. If a guy isn't into it, it tends show that they don't get the oxytocin going. Sex/other activities tend to be more about the rush then the bond in that case.

 

A lot of sex/porn addicted men's wives have basically said the same thing to me "can't kiss well/aversion to kissing."

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, I am at work now.

I've been training all day and then the girls made me set up a pof account, lol. I'm obviously in no shape to be dating- but hey I've already been propositioned by a married man and a couple seeking a threesome- yay me.

 

It wasn't actually a bad thing to get up, get dressed, and go to work. At least I kept my mind off things- and of course we are all women, so we've been talking all day.

 

I've realized something about our sex life, and what it might mean.

a) he didn't enjoy kissing, not passionately anyway- he'd barely open his mouth.

b) he only liked sex from behind- never facing one another. In the 6 months we were together, we had sex once facing each other- and that was the first time (and he said he couldn't come that way).

c) actual intercourse was infrequent- it was mostly oral.

 

It sort of struck me over the past week or so that this is extreme intimacy avoidance behaviour isn't it? Well, either that or he's gay. But I believe now it's another way for him to avoid intimacy. These little things were always in the back of my head- but looking back, it seems so weird to me.

 

Yes, I am still processing things in my head frantically.

 

Part I bolded...WTF ! Well, that was out there and so random eh?

I guess be flattered??

 

Wow, he really does/did have intimacy issues. The whole not kissing open mouth, sex from behind.. It's his 'wall' so to speak. It is weird, but it makes sense by how you described his past and how he was with you.

 

HIS LOSS and one day he'll realize this..Though will never admit it.

 

Glad you survived your day and had a busy one. Hope tomorrow goes well too.

[Am4Real]

The kissing thing deals directly with bonding. If a guy isn't into it, it tends show that they don't get the oxytocin going. Sex/other activities tend to be more about the rush then the bond in that case.

 

A lot of sex/porn addicted men's wives have basically said the same thing to me "can't kiss well/aversion to kissing."

 

You're good, dear, very good.

 

Guy's I have known that are overly obsessed with porn and sexual fantasies tend to speak out like the description above. I obviously wasn't there to witness, LOL (thank goodness)

 

I'm not got going to theorize on "D's" situation as frankly its none of my/our business and simply giving my take on what I've heard other guys talk about in terms of turn-ons and fantasies.

 

Seems were on the same wave length on this one!

[jerbear]

Thanks, I am at work now.

I've been training all day and then the girls made me set up a pof account, lol. I'm obviously in no shape to be dating- but hey I've already been propositioned by a married man and a couple seeking a threesome- yay me.

Don't forget me! I jest!

 

It wasn't actually a bad thing to get up, get dressed, and go to work. At least I kept my mind off things- and of course we are all women, so we've been talking all day.

Seems like your girl friends are helping you move on. That is nice of them.

 

 

I've realized something about our sex life, and what it might mean.

a) he didn't enjoy kissing, not passionately anyway- he'd barely open his mouth.

b) he only liked sex from behind- never facing one another. In the 6 months we were together, we had sex once facing each other- and that was the first time (and he said he couldn't come that way).

c) actual intercourse was infrequent- it was mostly oral.

 

It sort of struck me over the past week or so that this is extreme intimacy avoidance behaviour isn't it? Well, either that or he's gay. But I believe now it's another way for him to avoid intimacy. These little things were always in the back of my head- but looking back, it seems so weird to me.

 

Yes, I am still processing things in my head frantically.

It is good that you are processing things now and moving forward. You have some great strengths.

 

It does seem odd what he does for intimacy. Glad you are getting your humor back, moving forward, and have some great friends.

[D-Lish]

The kissing thing deals directly with bonding. If a guy isn't into it, it tends show that they don't get the oxytocin going. Sex/other activities tend to be more about the rush then the bond in that case.

 

A lot of sex/porn addicted men's wives have basically said the same thing to me "can't kiss well/aversion to kissing."

 

That's what I think too. Looking back, I remember numerous times trying to get the kissing going. He was actually terrible at kissing- it was awkward and forced for the most part.

 

The very first time we fooled around, we did "kiss" for hours- but there was never any tongue, and it didn't seem natural.

 

Part I bolded...WTF ! Well, that was out there and so random eh?

I guess be flattered??

 

Wow, he really does/did have intimacy issues. The whole not kissing open mouth, sex from behind.. It's his 'wall' so to speak. It is weird, but it makes sense by how you described his past and how he was with you.

 

HIS LOSS and one day he'll realize this..Though will never admit it.

 

Glad you survived your day and had a busy one. Hope tomorrow goes well too.

 

Thanks:love:

 

No word from him today- which is good. I finally had to turn my phone off so I didn't keep checking it- but it had to go on this morning for work, and there was nothing from him from last night either.

 

I really don't want him back, not knowing what I know about him. I'd be commiting romantic suicide if I ever got back together with him. I am skipping the "hope" phase altogether, and eagerly! I couldn't go back. Not that he'd ask- he never would.

 

He also lied about the length of his relationships- he told me he'd been in long term relationships initially, like 5 and 2 years... But when we talked on Saturday his 2 year was 9 months, and the 5 year was a year and a half...

 

Had I known that initially, I probably would have seen that as a red flag- a guy in his upper-thirties, and his longest relationship was a year and a half.

 

But the kissing and sex thing should have been a red flag for me.

[westernxer]

No word from him today- which is good. I finally had to turn my phone off so I didn't keep checking it- but it had to go on this morning for work, and there was nothing from him from last night.

 

Don't you love the withdrawal phase?

[D-Lish]

Don't you love the withdrawal phase?

 

It's better than yesterday's phase! My eyes are so puffy and swollen even now. I cried a bit in the bath this morning, then I was able to keep myself in check while at work today. It helped to be around people and talk. Strangely enough everyone I am training right now is either going through a divorce or a break up- all four of them, and everyone is in different stages- I just happen to be the new one.

 

It also helped to knock him off the pedestal I had him on, and make that conscious decision that as much as I love him, I wouldn't want him back.

 

It's really distressing to find out that the man you thought you knew isn't that man at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

No kidding! I had a dream about my husband last night sitting across from me at the table in my parent's house and he just told me "I don't love you anymore." he just looked completely different to me.

 

The man I married may have never even existed. All that's left is this guy who treats me like I don't exist.

[D-Lish]

No kidding! I had a dream about my husband last night sitting across from me at the table in my parent's house and he just told me "I don't love you anymore." he just looked completely different to me.

 

The man I married may have never even existed. All that's left is this guy who treats me like I don't exist.

 

 

Why don't you leave honey?

 

I mean I can tell from your posts that you are smart, and you give great advice- but you're with someone that doesn't make you happy, and you're settling on remaining there.

 

You tell me not to settle, and I've seen you say it to others.

 

When my exH and I divorced, it was really painful- the whole process was painful, but the pain of being with someone and feeling so lonley was worse than the break up. It was awful to live in such limbo.

 

Why haven't you left?