The dreaded break up talk :-(

[D-Lish]

I am reminded why pof is such a train wreck.

Today, when the girls made me my new profile, I actually got the same message from guys that also messaged the 22 year old girl that put my profile up for me.

 

We both logged in to check messages as we were leaving and we were laughing our asses off that we had mail from the same dudes- me being 41 and she being 22. It just goes to show you that men are out there playing the odds from one spectrum to the other.

[Am4Real]

It just goes to show you that men are out there playing the odds from one spectrum to the other.

 

some men!!!

[WorldIsYours]

some men!!!

 

All men.:bunny:

[D-Lish]

some men!!!

 

You're right, only SOME men:)

 

All men.:bunny:

 

No, you're right, it's all men;)

[Am4Real]

You're right, only SOME men:)

 

 

 

No, you're right, it's all men;)

 

Mean, mean, mean...wait a second....does anyone have the actual odds of success....maybe I need to change strategies. :-)

[dreamingoftigers]

Why don't you leave honey?

 

I mean I can tell from your posts that you are smart, and you give great advice- but you're with someone that doesn't make you happy, and you're settling on remaining there.

 

You tell me not to settle, and I've seen you say it to others.

 

When my exH and I divorced, it was really painful- the whole process was painful, but the pain of being with someone and feeling so lonley was worse than the break up. It was awful to live in such limbo.

 

Why haven't you left?

 

This time I set my bottom line and told him it was over and just like so many times before some expert tells me to hold off. Today the treatment woman told me that I put too much pressure on him not to cheat before treatment because it was just like any addiction. The last counselor told me that I was shaming him and after we couldn't afford to keep seeing her, he applied that universally to every time that I got pissed off. I have a damn hard time leaving the father of my kid as it is and then I keep second-guessing myself because he seems really into us and trying to stop and making all the right steps. I think now though he is actually done and feels pretty hopeless and even betrayed (oddly enough). He thought that whatever honesty he provides at this point should be enough so when he told me he was pretty pissed about me using that information as grounds to have him exit stage left.

 

I also feel like we are supposed to go through the proper process to evaluate whether or not to keep the marriage, we keep inching closer and never get quite there. I know the whole damn cycle is unhealthy, I just feel trapped like no one gets it. It is an addiction and I understand that, but it just screws up your head so much and quite frankly that, coupled with all of the emotional/verbal abuse and criticism really takes a toll on what you think you are even capable of. In fact I feel like the incident we had last night was my fault even though I know that he had no right to shove me even though I wasn't being respectful ( much less bite me). I guess all the childhood crap plus the blaming makes me question my own judgment constantly. It doesn't help when that person keeps lying to you either. I guess it boils down to it being easier to accept that you might be responsible instead of putting the blame on the shoulders of someone you are supposed to love. I also have a hard time believing that I had a child with someone that could treat us so callously. I also have a hard time accepting that he may never have loved me and that would mean that no one in my life up to this point did. I kid you not. My parents didn't, my grandmother didn't and neither did my exes. It would be sad to think nearing 30 that no one has ever loved me. I am terrified of the template I leave for my daughter. Sorry for the T/J.

 

On the bright side, Summer is coming....

[Art_Critic]

Hey D.. I take it your ass isn't sore today ?

[D-Lish]

This time I set my bottom line and told him it was over and just like so many times before some expert tells me to hold off. Today the treatment woman told me that I put too much pressure on him not to cheat before treatment because it was just like any addiction. The last counselor told me that I was shaming him and after we couldn't afford to keep seeing her, he applied that universally to every time that I got pissed off. I have a damn hard time leaving the father of my kid as it is and then I keep second-guessing myself because he seems really into us and trying to stop and making all the right steps. I think now though he is actually done and feels pretty hopeless and even betrayed (oddly enough). He thought that whatever honesty he provides at this point should be enough so when he told me he was pretty pissed about me using that information as grounds to have him exit stage left.

 

I also feel like we are supposed to go through the proper process to evaluate whether or not to keep the marriage, we keep inching closer and never get quite there. I know the whole damn cycle is unhealthy, I just feel trapped like no one gets it. It is an addiction and I understand that, but it just screws up your head so much and quite frankly that, coupled with all of the emotional/verbal abuse and criticism really takes a toll on what you think you are even capable of. In fact I feel like the incident we had last night was my fault even though I know that he had no right to shove me even though I wasn't being respectful ( much less bite me). I guess all the childhood crap plus the blaming makes me question my own judgment constantly. It doesn't help when that person keeps lying to you either. I guess it boils down to it being easier to accept that you might be responsible instead of putting the blame on the shoulders of someone you are supposed to love. I also have a hard time believing that I had a child with someone that could treat us so callously. I also have a hard time accepting that he may never have loved me and that would mean that no one in my life up to this point did. I kid you not. My parents didn't, my grandmother didn't and neither did my exes. It would be sad to think nearing 30 that no one has ever loved me. I am terrified of the template I leave for my daughter. Sorry for the T/J.

 

On the bright side, Summer is coming....

 

I'm really surprised no cousellor has ever told you what you have is an unhealthy, abusive dynamic and urged you to leave!

 

If you were my client, that's what I would suggest, mostly because it's the duty of a counsellor to tell anyone that is being abused to get the heck out of there.

 

Maybe you are a lot like me- you can recognize the problems with others and give awesome advice, but when it comes to your own well being, you fall short when it comes to taking care of yourself in recognizing your own needs and solutions? A lot of the best coaches are those that could never play the game all that wel,l but recognized the strategies that would help others become better players.

 

I think that's what I am- a good coach and a bad player.

[dreamingoftigers]

This time I set my bottom line and told him it was over and just like so many times before some expert tells me to hold off. Today the treatment woman told me that I put too much pressure on him not to cheat before treatment because it was just like any addiction. The last counselor told me that I was shaming him and after we couldn't afford to keep seeing her, he applied that universally to every time that I got pissed off. I have a damn hard time leaving the father of my kid as it is and then I keep second-guessing myself because he seems really into us and trying to stop and making all the right steps. I think now though he is actually done and feels pretty hopeless and even betrayed (oddly enough). He thought that whatever honesty he provides at this point should be enough so when he told me he was pretty pissed about me using that information as grounds to have him exit stage left.

 

I also feel like we are supposed to go through the proper process to evaluate whether or not to keep the marriage, we keep inching closer and never get quite there. I know the whole damn cycle is unhealthy, I just feel trapped like no one gets it. It is an addiction and I understand that, but it just screws up your head so much and quite frankly that, coupled with all of the emotional/verbal abuse and criticism really takes a toll on what you think you are even capable of. In fact I feel like the incident we had last night was my fault even though I know that he had no right to shove me even though I wasn't being respectful ( much less bite me). I guess all the childhood crap plus the blaming makes me question my own judgment constantly. It doesn't help when that person keeps lying to you either. I guess it boils down to it being easier to accept that you might be responsible instead of putting the blame on the shoulders of someone you are supposed to love. I also have a hard time believing that I had a child with someone that could treat us so callously. I also have a hard time accepting that he may never have loved me and that would mean that no one in my life up to this point did. I kid you not. My parents didn't, my grandmother didn't and neither did my exes. It would be sad to think nearing 30 that no one has ever loved me. I am terrified of the template I leave for my daughter. Sorry for the T/J.

 

On the bright side, Summer is coming....

 

Short answer.....I think I have a screwed-up template from childhood where the more someone treats me like crap and has childhood issues....the more it looks like love to me.

 

Other then that....I have no ****ing clue what the Hell is wrong with me and why I don't feel compelled everyday to run for the hills.

[Art_Critic]

I think that's what I am- a good coach and a bad player.

 

We all are D...

[D-Lish]

Hey D.. I take it your ass isn't sore today ?

 

It is a little, but that is because everything I eat goes right through me.

 

I had a handful of m&m's yesterday, because that's all I could get through, and within 15 min I was like this -> Need a bathroom:lmao:

 

I know my joke was sinister yesterday, but I really believe if I didn't have LS to come to I could have ended up at some watering hole last night, making myself vulnerable to someone's ruffie, a lost wallet, and a sore ass- but no memory:rolleyes:

 

You know from my past that I once handled my difficulties by drowning my sorrows in beer. I'm not going to go there this time. I'm not going to lie, I bought a case of beer on the way home after he dumped me, and I sipped through 2. That's as far as I got. I'm not going there again, I'm just not.

 

You really helped me though that, and I'll never forget you for that:love:

[Art_Critic]

I'm not going there again, I'm just not.

 

 

 

Mad Love D....:love:

[D-Lish]

Short answer.....I think I have a screwed-up template from childhood where the more someone treats me like crap and has childhood issues....the more it looks like love to me.

 

Other then that....I have no ****ing clue what the Hell is wrong with me and why I don't feel compelled everyday to run for the hills.

 

I dunno, leaving is HARD when you're that far in with a marriage and a child. It was hard enough for me to leave my exH and we didn't even have a child.

 

All I can tell you is that it's liberating to finally make a decision that you deserve better and start taking the steps to find it.

 

What you have now is never going to get better unless you take a stand and leave.

 

Sometimes we have to stop making the excuses about how ****ed up we are, and why, and take a stand.

 

We all are D...

 

It's true, I have the best insight, but I can't exercise it myself!

[westernxer]

You know from my past that I once handled my difficulties by drowning my sorrows in beer. I'm not going to go there this time. I'm not going to lie, I bought a case of beer on the way home after he dumped me, and I sipped through 2. That's as far as I got. I'm not going there again, I'm just not.

 

Good for you. I'm glad that you've found the strength to meet this head on. Pain is a purifying agent that... okay, time for my shot.

[D-Lish]

He just sent me an email :-(

It just said "I hope you are okay, I still feel so bad. I am sorry you are still feeling so bad after the miscarriage. I truly do wish you all the best" I truly do want you to be happy, C"

[dreamingoftigers]

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just in case you were wondering how to handle this: Nc

[D-Lish]

Ncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncnc

 

just in case you were wondering how to handle this: Nc

 

Lol, I know, I am not going to respond.

 

Basically he feels guilty for hurting me, and he wants me to tell him it's okay that he hurt me.

[whichwayisup]

Stuff to help your tummy... Banana's.. Hot oatmeal, yogurt, fruit, and drink water..

Hope you and your cute ass feels better soon

 

It's good he feels bad..He SHOULD!

[0hpenelope]

He just sent me an email :-(

It just said "I hope you are okay, I still feel so bad. I am sorry you are still feeling so bad after the miscarriage. I truly do wish you all the best" I truly do want you to be happy, C"

ARGH! Why, why why why whyyyy!!!! :mad: :mad: He still feels so bad, good! He should!

 

Still sending you good vibes today, D. I'm really glad to read that you didn't resort to drinking beer like you had in the past. It doesn't feel good afterwards, not at all.

[D-Lish]

Stuff to help your tummy... Banana's.. Hot oatmeal, yogurt, fruit, and drink water..

Hope you and your cute ass feels better soon

 

It's good he feels bad..He SHOULD!

 

I know he should, but I don't think he's capable of really knowing what it's like to feel bad about anything.

 

I've been drinking water, lots- OMG, water was my saviour today. I don't want to go back to being 105lbs over this, over him.

 

Thank you so much for checking in wwiu, it means a lot.

 

ARGH! Why, why why why whyyyy!!!! :mad: :mad: He still feels so bad, good! He should!

 

Still sending you good vibes today, D. I'm really glad to read that you didn't resort to drinking beer like you had in the past. It doesn't feel good afterwards, not at all.

 

No, it doesn't, but I took up smoking again.

Like immediately after the break up, I bought a pack of smoksters.

And I smoked those smokey-delights... I gotta have something, ya know?

 

I dunno, I miss him tonight a whole lot. I keep telling myself I miss the facade- and that's more keeping it real.

[Ruby Slippers]

D-Lish, I'm really sorry. (((hug))) What a roller coaster!

 

I don't know if it's any comfort, but legitimate studies have shown that pregnancies than don't work out are very, very hard on relationships, and in fact, many don't last in that case.

 

Of course, it was really hard on you, and I'm sure it was hard on him in his own way. And his emotional issues only compounded the problem.

 

I have always thought you seem like someone with a lot of strength, who just keeps bouncing back and forging courageously ahead.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, I'm really sorry. (((hug))) What a roller coaster!

 

I don't know if it's any comfort, but legitimate studies have shown that pregnancies than don't work out are very, very hard on relationships, and in fact, many don't last in that case.

 

Of course, it was really hard on you, and I'm sure it was hard on him in his own way. And his emotional issues only compounded the problem.

 

I have always thought you seem like someone with a lot of strength, who just keeps bouncing back and forging courageously ahead.

 

Thanks Ruby.

 

I truly thought going through something like this would have brought us closer together, not tear us apart:o

 

I'm back to feeling sad again today. As soon as I saw his email last night I crumbled again.

 

As I said, I don't want him back after knowing what I know about him- he's really broken in his own way. However, I loved him like crazy and it's so hard to go back to being single again.

 

It struck me that I relied so much on him to make me happy, and that had to put a lot of pressure on him. I hate that I became so needy and clingy, I hate that he saw me as that person.

 

I'm just missing him a lot today.

[Am4Real]

It struck me that I relied so much on him to make me happy, and that had to put a lot of pressure on him. I hate that I became so needy and clingy, I hate that he saw me as that person.

 

I'm just missing him a lot today.

 

Let me correct you here, hun!

 

Guys, love to be loved just as much as gals and you do. We love to be adored and know a woman is nuts about us. Call it clingy if you dare, however most of us wouldn't want it the other way around. However, if in a clingy stage there are restrictions without reason, meaning a list of "don't do this" or "can't do this" or "do this at this time or this place with me" then you stand correct -- clingy is bad.

 

Which one were you?

[D-Lish]

Let me correct you here, hun!

 

Guys, love to be loved just as much as gals and you do. We love to be adored and know a woman is nuts about us. Call it clingy if you dare, however most of us wouldn't want it the other way around. However, if in a clingy stage there are restrictions without reason, meaning a list of "don't do this" or "can't do this" or "do this at this time or this place with me" then you stand correct -- clingy is bad.

 

Which one were you?

 

I don't know which one I was. I think I made him feel he needed to be by my side a little too much during the prgnancy and after the mc, and there were times when I got upset he was going out (especially 2 days after the mc when I really needed him by my side).

 

He just keeps telling me "he feels so bad"- and that makes me feel like he's feeling sorry for me- and I don't like that. I told him this afternoon that I wished him the best and it was time for us to let things be.

[Am4Real]

I don't know which one I was. I think I made him feel he needed to be by my side a little too much during the prgnancy and after the mc, and there were times when I got upset he was going out (especially 2 days after the mc when I really needed him by my side).

 

He just keeps telling me "he feels so bad"- and that makes me feel like he's feeling sorry for me- and I don't like that. I told him this afternoon that I wished him the best and it was time for us to let things be.

 

You cannot use an extenuating circumstance such as a pregnancy, albeit ending in a miscarriage as a reflection on yourself or your long-term behavioral traits – comparison or scrutiny in that way is ludicrous D, come’on now!

 

When your head is clear perhaps you will think back to what may have been more of a pronounced set of indications pointing to differences in the making.

 

Think about it this way: sexual relations between people who are in love, think they’re in love or are close, are profound; a pregnancy resuting from such closeness is even more multifaceted let alone a series outcome of their feelings; a miscarriage is the opposite, it’s a termination of this devotion in a physical sense. In that respect one or both parties are bound to be affected in very deep and diverse ways. And similarily, others bury their feeling and emotions as a way to work through the stresses.

 

You could have easily pulled back in these times however you are one to draw upon others, him in particular, for support. That’s normal D, stop sweating this event. I really believe there had to be an indication he was not all there long before the miscarriage.

 

Question for you: prior to the miscarriage and following the news of the pregnancy, did the two of you ever sit down and discuss the pregnancy situation and where things were going or could go?