The dreaded break up talk :-(

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't know which one I was. I think I made him feel he needed to be by my side a little too much during the prgnancy and after the mc, and there were times when I got upset he was going out (especially 2 days after the mc when I really needed him by my side).

 

He just keeps telling me "he feels so bad"- and that makes me feel like he's feeling sorry for me- and I don't like that. I told him this afternoon that I wished him the best and it was time for us to let things be.

D-Lish, please don't feel bad for having feelings! I have never been pregnant, but somehow, I just know that if I ever am, I'm going to be needy and sensitive. And I hope I'm with a guy who loves me enough to support me a little extra for that time. It's natural to crave protection and support when you are nurturing a life! I know you are so strong and independent, but it's OK to desire emotional support, especially at a time of hormonal roller-coasterness.

 

Both of you are feeling so bad. I think it would help you a LOT to start accepting what is. Not agonizing over what went wrong -- accepting what is. I'm sure it's a very hard time, but these simple meditations can really help get you through the darkest hours.

 

Events took a really unfortunate turn. But you just don't know what the future has in store for you. I think you have a lot of happiness ahead of you. Maybe with your guy, in a second chance, maybe not. But I think you are going to be OK.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, please don't feel bad for having feelings! I have never been pregnant, but somehow, I just know that if I ever am, I'm going to be needy and sensitive. And I hope I'm with a guy who loves me enough to support me a little extra for that time. It's natural to crave protection and support when you are nurturing a life! I know you are so strong and independent, but it's OK to desire emotional support, especially at a time of hormonal roller-coasterness.

 

Both of you are feeling so bad. I think it would help you a LOT to start accepting what is. Not agonizing over what went wrong -- accepting what is. I'm sure it's a very hard time, but these simple meditations can really help get you through the darkest hours.

 

Events took a really unfortunate turn. But you just don't know what the future has in store for you. I think you have a lot of happiness ahead of you. Maybe with your guy, in a second chance, maybe not. But I think you are going to be OK.

 

Thanks Ruby, I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much for desiring that support during that time. Physically he was there for me, every single day. To this day I feel bad for not accepting that as being enough- because I know he was giving me all that he was capable of giving me and I in turn always made him feel like it wasn't enough.

 

I have so much guilt right now. That night he went out after the NC and left me alone? I kept hammering him with that instead of being able to let it go. A month ago when we talked and decided we were going to put an effort into the relationship, I don't think either of us knew how to make the effort.

 

I am back to feeling bad today. I'm processing over and over everything I did wrong.

[Art_Critic]

I am back to feeling bad today. I'm processing over and over everything I did wrong.

 

It happens .. just be kind to yourself..

Reflect but don't dwell...

 

I've got a bag of Dove Dark here. just opened if you need 'em

[D-Lish]

It happens .. just be kind to yourself..

Reflect but don't dwell...

 

I've got a bag of Dove Dark here. just opened if you need 'em

 

lol, I want the whole bag!

 

I guess it's the whole roller coaster effect. I've had moments where I've actually felt peaceful about things- and then I'll wake up in the middle of the night bawling.

 

I never pictured we'd end up like this when I first met him, and it just makes me so sad that I'm never going to see him again.

 

I think we both put each other on a pedestal in those first few months. I remember one night he'd had a few drinks and he was all over me, and he kept saying how "perfect" I was "everything about you is perfect"... How can someone live up to that? I was bound to disappoint I guess. I did the same with him though- I put him on a pedestal too.

 

I believed he loved me so much initially, and it still stings to hear him say he's never been in love before and doesn't know what it is.

[Ariadne]

I believed he loved me so much initially, and it still stings to hear him say he's never been in love before and doesn't know what it is.

 

He probably said that at the end because he was unable to deal with the whole situation.

 

Sorry about all this D, and hope you are feeling better today.

[D-Lish]

Thanks A.

 

I've accepted that it's over. We had that brief email exchange afterward, telling one another how sorry we were, and I'm 100% positive that I'll never heard from him again. I've just got to be strong and not contact him in a moment of weakness.

[Art_Critic]

and I'm 100% positive that I'll never heard from him again.

 

Is is because you made sure to back over him with the car

 

Just remember that contacting him will just result in you feeling bad and sad..

 

The Whole bag.. huh.. see what happens when you give a woman a dove.. she wants the whole bag..hahahaha

[Ariadne]

Thanks A.

 

I've accepted that it's over. We had that brief email exchange afterward, telling one another how sorry we were, and I'm 100% positive that I'll never heard from him again. I've just got to be strong and not contact him in a moment of weakness.

 

Well, good luck with it all.

 

Are your parents nearby? I recall you were close to them.

[D-Lish]

Is is because you made sure to back over him with the car

 

Just remember that contacting him will just result in you feeling bad and sad..

 

The Whole bag.. huh.. see what happens when you give a woman a dove.. she wants the whole bag..hahahaha

 

lol, I should have backed over him!

I think the worst thing I ever did in a break up was throw pots and pans at my exH when I found out he'd cheated.

 

Well, good luck with it all.

 

Are your parents nearby? I recall you were close to them.

 

I talk to my parents quite a lot, but they aren't living close by.

And thanks.

[Kamille]

I think we both put each other on a pedestal in those first few months. I remember one night he'd had a few drinks and he was all over me, and he kept saying how "perfect" I was "everything about you is perfect"... How can someone live up to that? I was bound to disappoint I guess. I did the same with him though- I put him on a pedestal too.

 

I believed he loved me so much initially, and it still stings to hear him say he's never been in love before and doesn't know what it is.

 

People tend to rewrite history once they re-evaluate a relationship. He probably had you on a pedestal for egoist reasons (and I don't mean that to be bad). He probably felt like having the "perfect" girl was the path to falling in love, like, oh, if this is going to happen, it will happen with her.

 

But that's a lot of pressure to put on anyone and on any relationship. No wonder the pregnancy threw him off the way it did. No wonder he bailed once real life got in the way.

 

D, you dodged a bullet. You deserve someone who can love you through the good times and the bad times. You really weren't asking him for too much when you wanted him to be present during your pregnancy and mc. He failed you. (So please please please stop feeling like you could have done something differently or like the problem is you).

 

And remember, you are the prize. How did it that poster put it way back? Something like : it's a normal reflex once we're broken up to imagine that we failed our exes, when really they're the ones who couldn't provide us with what we deserve. You are the prize. Now go eat those Dove darks.

[D-Lish]

People tend to rewrite history once they re-evaluate a relationship. He probably had you on a pedestal for egoist reasons (and I don't mean that to be bad). He probably felt like having the "perfect" girl was the path to falling in love, like, oh, if this is going to happen, it will happen with her.

 

But that's a lot of pressure to put on anyone and on any relationship. No wonder the pregnancy threw him off the way it did. No wonder he bailed once real life got in the way.

 

D, you dodged a bullet. You deserve someone who can love you through the good times and the bad times. You really weren't asking him for too much when you wanted him to be present during your pregnancy and mc. He failed you. (So please please please stop feeling like you could have done something differently or like the problem is you).

 

And remember, you are the prize. How did it that poster put it way back? Something like : it's a normal reflex once we're broken up to imagine that we failed our exes, when really they're the ones who couldn't provide us with what we deserve. You are the prize. Now go eat those Dove darks.

 

Thanks K, It helps to hear someone else say I wasn't asking for too much.

 

I know in my heart that if this is the way he handles the difficult things that come up in his life- how would he have handled other adversities down the line?

 

Being rejected still sucks a lot:o

[threebyfate]

I believed he loved me so much initially, and it still stings to hear him say he's never been in love before and doesn't know what it is.

The bolded strikes me as a big bowl of b/s and a turtle reflex. He got scared and retreated into his shell.

 

Straight up D. I don't think he's a very strong man. He relied on you for strength and when you needed him, wasn't sure what to do, then was relieved and could run, when it looked like he wouldn't have the scary responsibility of being a father.

 

I have to give him credit for at least trying to be there when you were pregnant and through the miscarriage. But that's not his natural state, as he's shown you now.

 

Be strong again, D. Don't contact him. There's a bet I have with myself if you remain NC for an extended length of time. Bet he comes knocking again but plse don't take him back. He's not what you need in a man.

[D-Lish]

The bolded strikes me as a big bowl of b/s and a turtle reflex. He got scared and retreated into his shell.

 

Straight up D. I don't think he's a very strong man. He relied on you for strength and when you needed him, wasn't sure what to do, then was relieved and could run, when it looked like he wouldn't have the scary responsibility of being a father.

 

I have to give him credit for at least trying to be there when you were pregnant and through the miscarriage. But that's not his natural state, as he's shown you now.

 

Be strong again, D. Don't contact him. There's a bet I have with myself if you remain NC for an extended length of time. Bet he comes knocking again but plse don't take him back. He's not what you need in a man.

 

I wouldn't go back, not knowing what I know. As much as I'd love to hear the words "I made a mistake" coming from him- things would never work between us. I also don't think I could ever truly reconcile with knowing he bailed on me when I needed him the most.

 

It's been tough not having contact with him, but it's more peaceful than living with all the uncertainty this past month. I literally drove myself crazy wondering what was going on as he grew more and more distant with me. I was just pushing for a reconnection and he was running the other way.

 

I just have to stop thinking about how happy we used to be, because that's not doing me any good.

 

I can't see him ever returning down the road, it would be completely out of character for him to do so.

[threebyfate]

D, for future consideration. You've got it all going with brains, beauty and wonderful sense of humour. You have a way with people and are a very compassionate person but nobody's fool.

 

You also come across as strong and very together.

 

With all those traits, you're going to attract some weak men, particularly with your strength and compassion traits. With your beauty and sense of humour, you're going to attract all kinds of men.

 

But what you need is a man with some backbone, a partner who will be there for you when you need him, like you're there for partners when they need you.

 

As a consideration, have you ever tried to show some vulnerability during the first part of dating? It might act as a natural filter to ward off men who can't handle relationship responsibilities.

[D-Lish]

D, for future consideration. You've got it all going with brains, beauty and wonderful sense of humour. You have a way with people and are a very compassionate person but nobody's fool.

 

You also come across as strong and very together.

 

With all those traits, you're going to attract some weak men, particularly with your strength and compassion traits. With your beauty and sense of humour, you're going to attract all kinds of men.

 

But what you need is a man with some backbone, a partner who will be there for you when you need him, like you're there for partners when they need you.

 

As a consideration, have you ever tried to show some vulnerability during the first part of dating? It might act as a natural filter to ward off men who can't handle relationship responsibilities.

 

Thank you for what you said tbf. I have never shown vulnerability in the initial stages of a relationship, but maybe that's something I should consider in the future.

 

As much as I know I have some great traits to offer, I've never been able to break the habit of testing boundaries in a relationship. Being vulnerable is overwhelming for me, and instead of being able to enjoy the person I am with, I will test my partner over and over until I ultimately push them away.

 

I vowed with C that I was going to be different this time- which is why the first 4 months were so great. The pregnancy made me so needy though, and I totally dropped the ball. My exH was the only person I've ever been able to push past that stage with. I think he was able to be so patient with me because his mother was a terribly needy, insecure, and crazy woman- so I must have seemed so tame in comparison, lol.

 

I do deservesome blame in the demise of the relationship, just not all of it. Had the pregnancy never happened, he would have found another reason to distance himself at some point, because that's what he does.

 

By the way, how is bump???

[pandagirl]

Thank you for what you said tbf. I have never shown vulnerability in the initial stages of a relationship, but maybe that's something I should consider in the future.

 

As much as I know I have some great traits to offer, I've never been able to break the habit of testing boundaries in a relationship. Being vulnerable is overwhelming for me, and instead of being able to enjoy the person I am with, I will test my partner over and over until I ultimately push them away.

 

I vowed with C that I was going to be different this time- which is why the first 4 months were so great. The pregnancy made me so needy though, and I totally dropped the ball. My exH was the only person I've ever been able to push past that stage with. I think he was able to be so patient with me because his mother was a terribly needy, insecure, and crazy woman- so I must have seemed so tame in comparison, lol.

 

I do deservesome blame in the demise of the relationship, just not all of it. Had the pregnancy never happened, he would have found another reason to distance himself at some point, because that's what he does.

 

By the way, how is bump???

 

I think you blaming yourself more than you're letting on, D.

 

Seriously, ANY WOMAN in your position would have gotten "needy." A strong man would have been there for you, and made you feel safe. A little comfort goes a long way. Of course, no one is ever 100% responsible to make us feel secure, but in your situation, he was incapable of truly being there for you -- his relationship history confirms this.

[threebyfate]

Thank you for what you said tbf. I have never shown vulnerability in the initial stages of a relationship, but maybe that's something I should consider in the future.

 

As much as I know I have some great traits to offer, I've never been able to break the habit of testing boundaries in a relationship. Being vulnerable is overwhelming for me, and instead of being able to enjoy the person I am with, I will test my partner over and over until I ultimately push them away.

 

I vowed with C that I was going to be different this time- which is why the first 4 months were so great. The pregnancy made me so needy though, and I totally dropped the ball. My exH was the only person I've ever been able to push past that stage with. I think he was able to be so patient with me because his mother was a terribly needy, insecure, and crazy woman- so I must have seemed so tame in comparison, lol.

 

I do deservesome blame in the demise of the relationship, just not all of it. Had the pregnancy never happened, he would have found another reason to distance himself at some point, because that's what he does.

 

By the way, how is bump???

I like what pandagirl is saying although I don't know how you pushed him. Shift out to knowledgeable observer/counsellor and review both your actions, bearing in mind that hormones would have played a substantial role in your actions, in a difficult situation. What would you have told another woman in your position?

 

The showing of some vulnerability at the outset of any relationship, whether platonic or non-platonic has given me insight into others. When you show a bit, you then watch to see if they use your vulnerability against you. I've even used red herrings with some, something juicy, when they've given me cause to distrust them. And if any of it is used against me or if I hear about it coming back to me through the grapevine, I know this is not the person to trust as a friend or to invest further into.

[D-Lish]

I think you blaming yourself more than you're letting on, D.

 

Seriously, ANY WOMAN in your position would have gotten "needy." A strong man would have been there for you, and made you feel safe. A little comfort goes a long way. Of course, no one is ever 100% responsible to make us feel secure, but in your situation, he was incapable of truly being there for you -- his relationship history confirms this.

 

I agree Panda. I think rejection often evokes the self-blame, at least it does in me. I'm trying really hard not to internalize the blame like I did in my last relationships.

 

As much as I know there are things I need to change about myself to make my relationships better, my ex is broken in a way that I can't comprehend. I have to keep telling myself that knowing what I know now is better than ending up in a situation where we lived together.

 

Looking back I can see he was exiting the relationship slowly for some time. I think he probably started the process as soon as I manifested behaviour that he deemed unbecoming of the vision he had of me in his head initially.

[pandagirl]

I agree Panda. I think rejection often evokes the self-blame, at least it does in me. I'm trying really hard not to internalize the blame like I did in my last relationships.

 

As much as I know there are things I need to change about myself to make my relationships better, my ex is broken in a way that I can't comprehend. I have to keep telling myself that knowing what I know now is better than ending up in a situation where we lived together.

 

Looking back I can see he was exiting the relationship slowly for some time. I think he probably started the process as soon as I manifested behaviour that he deemed unbecoming of the vision he had of me in his head initially.

 

I had a similar experience in my last relationship. I blamed myself a lot. Things got really ugly at the end, and I became very, very clingy and insecure.

 

But, I know I am *not* that person. I rarely have been in my life. I absolutely have my own issues with being vulnerable and fearful, but it takes two to create that kind of dynamic. My ex's shortcomings were the triggers to my reactions, and probably I evoked the same in him. The result? We're not compatible.

 

Relationships are made and solidified through getting through the tough times *together*. It's about support, communication and understanding. Our SO isn't our caretaker, but they should be our teammate, cheering us on, and picking us up when we're down.

 

If you can't be strong for someone else, I suspect that person never had strength in the first place. You have to be a strong person in order to be that for someone else. And your guy isn't.

[Kamille]

relationships are made and solidified through getting through the tough times *together*. It's about support, communication and understanding. Our so isn't our caretaker, but they should be our teammate, cheering us on, and picking us up when we're down.

 

 

qft.

 

______________

[D-Lish]

I like what pandagirl is saying although I don't know how you pushed him. Shift out to knowledgeable observer/counsellor and review both your actions, bearing in mind that hormones would have played a substantial role in your actions, in a difficult situation. What would you have told another woman in your position?

 

The showing of some vulnerability at the outset of any relationship, whether platonic or non-platonic has given me insight into others. When you show a bit, you then watch to see if they use your vulnerability against you. I've even used red herrings with some, something juicy, when they've given me cause to distrust them. And if any of it is used against me or if I hear about it coming back to me through the grapevine, I know this is not the person to trust as a friend or to invest further into.

 

I would have told another woman the same same everyone is telling me:o Wanting someone to support me in the way I needed during that time shouldn't have been unrealistic. The emotions surging through my body when I was pregnant were insane.

 

By the time I went into needy/insecure/clingy mode, I think he'd already decided he was breaking up with me. I think that's what I was reacting to- my instincts that things weren't the same. I felt the distance, and I was reacting to it.

 

I had a similar experience in my last relationship. I blamed myself a lot. Things got really ugly at the end, and I became very, very clingy and insecure.

 

But, I know I am *not* that person. I rarely have been in my life. I absolutely have my own issues with being vulnerable and fearful, but it takes two to create that kind of dynamic. My ex's shortcomings were the triggers to my reactions, and probably I evoked the same in him. The result? We're not compatible.

 

Relationships are made and solidified through getting through the tough times *together*. It's about support, communication and understanding. Our SO isn't our caretaker, but they should be our teammate, cheering us on, and picking us up when we're down.

 

If you can't be strong for someone else, I suspect that person never had strength in the first place. You have to be a strong person in order to be that for someone else. And your guy isn't.

 

I agree Panda. I learned at the end that he wasn't as strong as I initially gave him credit for.

 

I know we are not compatible for the long haul. It still hurts that the first person I gave my heart to in 6 years turned out to be yet another failed relationship for me.

[pandagirl]

 

I know we are not compatible for the long haul. It still hurts that the first person I gave my heart to in 6 years turned out to be yet another failed relationship for me.

 

And this is the part that should hurt.

 

Just try not to internalize the breakup and blame yourself. I know it's hard for your mind and your heart to connect on that, but you need to stop re-playing the events in your head.

[threebyfate]

I would have told another woman the same same everyone is telling me:o Wanting someone to support me in the way I needed during that time shouldn't have been unrealistic. The emotions surging through my body when I was pregnant were insane.

 

By the time I went into needy/insecure/clingy mode, I think he'd already decided he was breaking up with me. I think that's what I was reacting to- my instincts that things weren't the same. I felt the distance, and I was reacting to it.

Okay then, stop beating yourself up over it. Are you Wonder Woman!

 

I know we are not compatible for the long haul. It still hurts that the first person I gave my heart to in 6 years turned out to be yet another failed relationship for me.

Think of it another way. Aren't you glad you can still give and feel? You just need to show a little more vulnerability at the onset, so you don't find out what kind of person your respective partner is, after investing so much.

 

It will also give a potential partner a glimpse into who you are, so it's not a shock when something big goes down.

 

It's really okay to be human, gorgeous!

[D-Lish]

Okay then, stop beating yourself up over it. Are you Wonder Woman!

 

Think of it another way. Aren't you glad you can still give and feel? You just need to show a little more vulnerability at the onset, so you don't find out what kind of person your respective partner is, after investing so much.

 

It will also give a potential partner a glimpse into who you are, so it's not a shock when something big goes down.

 

It's really okay to be human, gorgeous!

 

That's one of the most important lessons I've learned in all of this, is that I can still "go there". I truly never thought I'd go there again after my exH.

 

The irish guy that I dated on and off for 2 years- the one that turned into a fwb's relationship for a year and a half- made me feel like that was the best i was ever going to be able to do.

 

It's funny, as soon as I changed my FB status to single, he messaged me and we've been chatting back and forth. He's actually been very supportive. (No, I would never go back to him, I just don't have those kinds of feelings for him at all anymore- and he's back in Ireland!). He's provided some good insight for me though, and he said some really kind things to make me feel better. He said he used to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and just watch me while I slept and agonize over why he couldn't take things to the next level when he had such a great thing in front of him. I have to tell you, that makes me feel better in a strange way.

 

I have to tell you, when he said he used to watch me sleep sometimes, my first thought was- "OMG, I hope he never heard me fart".

Edited April 13, 2011 by D-Lish

[D-Lish]

And this is the part that should hurt.

 

Just try not to internalize the breakup and blame yourself. I know it's hard for your mind and your heart to connect on that, but you need to stop re-playing the events in your head.

 

Thanks Panda.

 

I know you and I are similar in a lot of ways.

 

The scariest thing for me is facing being single again. I truly enjoyed having a partner for that short time. I just wanted to make him happy, I just wanted to be that girlfriend to blow away any other gf he'd ever had. Instead, I ended up being the only girl he's ever mustered up the courage to break up with.

 

I know it's a blessing in disguise, but the rejection is taking a toll on me.