The dreaded break up talk :-(

[alphamale]

I guess it's then that I became more needy and bitchy.

well these things happen, i wouldn't worry about it too much

[D-Lish]

well these things happen, i wouldn't worry about it too much

 

Lol, it happens with me more than I care to admit:o

[Am4Real]

Let’s recap…

 

You dated this guy (“C”) for about six months, give or take.

 

In the latter part of the relationship you were observing things that concerned you and are more visible today whether it be his lack of affection, communication, love making, etc. It’s more than likely he had observations of you as well.

 

I guess at this point in a relationship we start to see the other for who they really are and what they are to us. For most this pondering state is normal anytime after three months and certainly before a year into the relationship. Wouldn’t you agree on this?

 

It just so happens you’ve been out of the dating scene for some time up to now, however I think if you were active you could attest some persons show their inner selves in short order and others take longer. Sometimes were so infatuated with the person we tend to gloss over those little imperfection until more significant flaws show themselves and this takes time. Whatever it is for each of us, there usually comes a point where we decide to accept them for who they are or who they are to us, or we move on. From what you describe you seemed to be on track for “a decision” one way or the other just prior to the pregnancy.

 

Then boom…at about this time an unplanned pregnancy occurs. It’s a shock value to you both. There had been NO LONG TERM relationship planning, let alone talk about bringing another life into the world and starting a family. I’m sure your head was spinning as was your heart. You had to look at him and think – are we to be together forever – are we right to be parents – are we right to be married – what will happen next? Did you not ponder these questions -- one or two of them at least? How did you feel at that moment knowing you were going to be a parent – you had to be scared? Yes? No?

 

Is it not fair to say the pregnancy had the same affect on him? Would he not have thought things like what are we to do – is she who I want forever – I didn’t want children how will I manage this – perhaps he felt trapped! Regardless, he rolled over and made you feel like everything was okay with the pregnancy, but looking back from what you have told us, he seemed deeply troubled by it, notwithstanding the relationship itself.

 

Then came the MC. For you it was devastation – you had settled in on the fact you were pregnant. For him, he may have seen it as relief from his dilemma.

 

D, I’m speculating of course…but the point is you were at a very early stage in a progressing relationship where you were just starting to get to know each other. At that primitive stage it’s about acceptance of each other or moving on – it has NOTHING TO DO with what you did wrong or even he did wrong – it’s a natural “discovery process” leading to either long-term compatibility and commitment or flight – it’s been going on in humans for eons, so please don’t’ over personalize this as some fault of yours.

 

In your case the two of you had not made a long-term commitment with solidification of a future goal (i.e. moving in together, engagement, other future visions, etc), right? Then the pregnancy and MC worked their way into your lives and accelerated these incompatibilities. It really seems that simple.

 

You mentioned your love and his lacking such feelings. As the long-term experienced poster you are, you certainly know people fall in love at different times and different stages in a relationship. If your certain your feeling was really love, I congratulate you on that experience; it is truly a wonderful place to be. Please don’t let those feelings be lost from your life as you go forward – it’s likely your relationship was just moving out of infatuation and into the realities of decision anyway…perhaps the next argument or other contention would have brought about the same destiny. This is not your fault!

Edited April 15, 2011 by Am4Real

[D-Lish]

Thanks AM4.

 

A lot of what you said resonated, and I went to that link you sent me. I think it's something I'll read again too- I saved it in my favorites.

 

I think what bothers me the most is that when the smoke cleared after the mc, I was so ready and willing to do whatever it took to get us back on track. To me, it's so simple- we tell each other what it was going to take for us to make our relationship better. I told him, but he never was able to tell me. Had he said "D, sometimes your temper scares me off, and if that doesn't change, you're going to push me away". Not that I had a terribe temper- but maybe it was the neediness, or something else. I would have done everything and anything possible to make the changes he needed from me to make him feel more supported and loved- I would have gladly put in the effort to do what it took.

 

I guess the bottom line is that he wasn't invested enough to make the effort, and that's what really hurts now. Somewhere, along the line he checked out and never gave me the heads up so I could change something I was or wasn't doing.

 

I just really needed him to tell me what was lacking, or what was too much.

 

I do agree that the pregnancy had an impact on him. I think the thought of it did scare him. But instead of talking to me about it, he just coasted with me while I went through the roller coaster. I always felt like I was on the roller coaster and he was a bystander. I felt at the time that maybe his inability to talk and just go on doing things for me was his way of coping, Now I understand it was actually his way of avoiding.

 

I know he was relieved when the mc happened, and the distance started immediately afterward. It makes me sad his first reaction was relief. It makes me feel foolish that he came over most nights out of duty, and not out of love for me.

 

I just feel like he judged me on the hormonal woman I turned into while pregnant, and that sucks to be rejected for that reality.

[Art_Critic]

Hey D.......

[D-Lish]

Hey D.......

 

Hey Art, I'm eating some m&m's:cool:

[Am4Real]

 

I just feel like he judged me on the hormonal woman I turned into while pregnant, and that sucks to be rejected for that reality.

 

 

I believe there are two variations of commitment in a relationship and perhaps more according to others…however the two that resonate with me are commitment to date exclusively one another and commitment to a mutual vision for each other. It seems he was stumbling with the latter and found an excuse to avoid it altogether.

 

He may have judged you in the pregnancy stage and I know from your seat that’s a tough one, right now. I sense when you’re past this stage and when you look back you’ll view this conflict as a situation from a time before you each really knew each other and shared a mutual vision.

 

In the link you have you might see yourself at Stage Two?

[Am4Real]

If he is the true commitment phobic you think he is and need a laugh tonight….then picture this….

 

If he does enter a sexual relationship in the future imagine him “doubling up” his condoms…to avoid a reoccurrence.

 

There…feel better now with that being his new burden? ;-)

[D-Lish]

I believe there are two variations of commitment in a relationship and perhaps more according to others…however the two that resonate with me are commitment to date exclusively one another and commitment to a mutual vision for each other. It seems he was stumbling with the latter and found an excuse to avoid it altogether.

 

He may have judged you in the pregnancy stage and I know from your seat that’s a tough one, right now. I sense when you’re past this stage and when you look back you’ll view this conflict as a situation from a time before you each really knew each other and shared a mutual vision.

 

In the link you have you might see yourself at Stage Two?

 

Yeah, I guess I was past the honeymoon stage. I guess I don't think we ever got to fully experience the honeymoon because we were forced to leap into something that most new couples don't have to face. I guess he wasn't as ready for that as I was. I'd already decided that I loved him and I was in it for the long haul , and I don't think he was remotely prepared for what ensued.

 

I'm just so full of regret and sadness right now.

 

If the pregnancy had never have happened, we really might have had a chance.

[threebyfate]

If the pregnancy had never have happened, we really might have had a chance.

Depends on if you really wanted a chance with a weak man. Tough choices happen all the time in long haul relationships. So what happens the next time things hit the fan?

 

Plse don't go down this road.

[Art_Critic]

Hey Art, I'm eating some m&m's:cool:

 

I'm eating those little purple eggs they have for Easter time... Dove... go figure..

[Am4Real]

I’m agreeing with “threebyfate”; you seem to be dwelling on two themes:

 

1) The pregnancy caused this breakup

2) Your needs during the pregnancy and miscarriage were your fault and caused this breakup

 

That’s rubbish D and you know that. It’s just incompatibilities.

 

Think about it this way…the pregnancy was unplanned and caused communication to break down. Not a misunderstanding but literally all communication practically ceased. Let’s say the pregnancy didn’t occur but something else grave happened? A disease entered and compromised your health; you lost your job; you developed a dependency of some substance and needed help? Would any of these examples be any easier or provide you different results. Really – could they have been overcome any easier?

 

I give you this; your relationship was “tested” very early and with serious tone. Most are tested by annoying habits that surface, old relationship baggage and other normalcy’s….yours was the ultimate test. The thing is, the “test” failed. It failed because only one person accepted the challenge or better said was ready for the challenge. He simply wasn’t and that, girl, is NO FAULT of yours. So stop this blame crap or I’m going to slap ya!!

[dreamingoftigers]

D-Lish,

 

My guess is that you are taking too much reponsibility for this relationship because you were the one more invested in it.

 

What does that tell you?

 

Not a character flaw, not a neediness, not a brutal internal brain-mess-up from childhood trauma that leaves you mentally stranded twice daily.

 

It simply says next time around, don't invest too quickly before you check out the goods a little more.

 

Don't let feeling-brain get the jump on thinking brain.

 

Take a look at these threads all over the place, feeling-brain steamrolls most of us on LS, that is why we are here!

 

Slow down, try again. Chill.

[jerbear]

Yeah, I guess I was past the honeymoon stage. I guess I don't think we ever got to fully experience the honeymoon because we were forced to leap into something that most new couples don't have to face. I guess he wasn't as ready for that as I was. I'd already decided that I loved him and I was in it for the long haul , and I don't think he was remotely prepared for what ensued.

 

I'm just so full of regret and sadness right now.

 

If the pregnancy had never have happened, we really might have had a chance.

 

Actually no. Every relationship goes through its trials and tribulations. If the pregnancy happened later on in the relationship, it would have been tested then. The only problem then is he won't be ready then and now you would be in a worse off situation.

 

Think of this as a test of YOUR resolve and you found out that you are the stronger one in the relationship. He just couldn't handle it. To be honest it is not an easy resolve.

[D-Lish]

I’m agreeing with “threebyfate”; you seem to be dwelling on two themes:

 

1) The pregnancy caused this breakup

2) Your needs during the pregnancy and miscarriage were your fault and caused this breakup

 

That’s rubbish D and you know that. It’s just incompatibilities.

 

Think about it this way…the pregnancy was unplanned and caused communication to break down. Not a misunderstanding but literally all communication practically ceased. Let’s say the pregnancy didn’t occur but something else grave happened? A disease entered and compromised your health; you lost your job; you developed a dependency of some substance and needed help? Would any of these examples be any easier or provide you different results. Really – could they have been overcome any easier?

 

I give you this; your relationship was “tested” very early and with serious tone. Most are tested by annoying habits that surface, old relationship baggage and other normalcy’s….yours was the ultimate test. The thing is, the “test” failed. It failed because only one person accepted the challenge or better said was ready for the challenge. He simply wasn’t and that, girl, is NO FAULT of yours. So stop this blame crap or I’m going to slap ya!!

 

Maybe I do need a good slap! lol.

 

I truly have been framing the break up in the way you guys have pointed out. I've actually been re-writing it over and over and collecting more and more things to blame myself about.

 

The one thing I am clinging to, which is helping me, is that I wouldn't go back- despite loving him. I no longer have any illusions that re-connecting is a possibility. It was a big test, and it did fail. I just have to stop looking at it as I was the one that failed, when in essence, we both did.

 

D-Lish,

 

My guess is that you are taking too much reponsibility for this relationship because you were the one more invested in it.

 

What does that tell you?

 

Not a character flaw, not a neediness, not a brutal internal brain-mess-up from childhood trauma that leaves you mentally stranded twice daily.

 

It simply says next time around, don't invest too quickly before you check out the goods a little more.

 

Don't let feeling-brain get the jump on thinking brain.

 

Take a look at these threads all over the place, feeling-brain steamrolls most of us on LS, that is why we are here!

 

Slow down, try again. Chill.

 

yes, I was the more invested one, at the end anyway. He came out of the gate like a racehorse, and while I gradually drew to trust enough to become vulnerable is exactly the same time when he started to withdraw. I have a feeling he does this in all his relationships- experiences a loss of interest when the other person drops their guard.

 

In the first few months, this guy couldn't do enough for me. That's why I was so blind sided that when something major happened, he couldn't continue to do it. In the beginning I would come over and he'd have his fridge stocked with my favorite drinks and food. He'd call me and ask what kind of body wash I used so he could have it in his bathroom for me- bought me a tooth brush. Before x-mas I mentioned how much I loved x-mas trees, and I came over one day to see he put an xmas tree up in his living room. He actually went to his parents and dragged an old one out of his parents basement. Things like that make me sad now.

[Kamille]

I've always thought of this "rewriting" part as an integral part of the grieving process. To me it's a combination of denial and negotiation (what are the stages again? Denial, negotiation, anger, acceptance?)

 

On the day of the talk, you mostly had clarity. You knew one thing: it was over, he wasn't who you thought he was, he had betrayed you.

 

Now, as you process the pain (and yes it is painful!), you're revisiting that certainty, because your emotional self subconsciously wants to find a path back to him. If only it could be "your fault" or "the mc's fault", it would mean you could regain control and possibly (irrationally) find a solution. If the breakup were you responsibility, than it goes to follow that it would be up to you to come up with solution right? If the break up were your responsibility, you could fix it, right?

 

I'm not saying these thoughts are clear, and I don't think they're conscious. You know the relationship is broken, you know he isn't right for you and you know you don't want him back. But heartbreak isn't rational. It's more like feeling substance withdrawl. Our rational brain says "smoking is bad for us", while our emotional brain works over time to find reasons to justify smoking again.

 

That's how I've thought of it in the past, when experiencing the period of "revisiting" the relationship. It's helped me distinguish between the reality (he isn't right for you) and emotional desires (but you wish you could get back to what you had).

 

((D))

[D-Lish]

I've always thought of this "rewriting" part as an integral part of the grieving process. To me it's a combination of denial and negotiation (what are the stages again? Denial, negotiation, anger, acceptance?)

 

On the day of the talk, you mostly had clarity. You knew one thing: it was over, he wasn't who you thought he was, he had betrayed you.

 

Now, as you process the pain (and yes it is painful!), you're revisiting that certainty, because your emotional self subconsciously wants to find a path back to him. If only it could be "your fault" or "the mc's fault", it would mean you could regain control and possibly (irrationally) find a solution. If the breakup were you responsibility, than it goes to follow that it would be up to you to come up with solution right? If the break up were your responsibility, you could fix it, right?

 

I'm not saying these thoughts are clear, and I don't think they're conscious. You know the relationship is broken, you know he isn't right for you and you know you don't want him back. But heartbreak isn't rational. It's more like feeling substance withdrawl. Our rational brain says "smoking is bad for us", while our emotional brain works over time to find reasons to justify smoking again.

 

That's how I've thought of it in the past, when experiencing the period of "revisiting" the relationship. It's helped me distinguish between the reality (he isn't right for you) and emotional desires (but you wish you could get back to what you had).

 

((D))

 

That makes sense Kam, it really does.

 

I was so kind and gracious during our break up talk, mostly because I did feel some of that clarity you spoke about. I actually said "THANK YOU for being honest with me that you don't love me" WTF? lol. I made the break up talk a piece of cake for him. I think I thought, OMG, I've been so emotional with the heartache of losing the pregnancy that I didn't want to leave him with that final impression that I am crazy.

 

But it does make sense, that as much as I claim to be accepting it, my brain hasn't caught up with what I'm saying.

[D-Lish]

Actually no. Every relationship goes through its trials and tribulations. If the pregnancy happened later on in the relationship, it would have been tested then. The only problem then is he won't be ready then and now you would be in a worse off situation.

 

Think of this as a test of YOUR resolve and you found out that you are the stronger one in the relationship. He just couldn't handle it. To be honest it is not an easy resolve.

 

I think you are right, and as difficult as this whole things has been, I did learn sooner, rather than later, that he's not the right guy for me. It's hard to swallow that he never really loved me- but finding out in a year would have been worse.

[Kamille]

It's hard to swallow that he never really loved me- but finding out in a year would have been worse.

 

D, don't think of it like that. He's never really loved anyone. I don't remember how old this guy is. 30s? If so, this guy is in his 30s and he's never loved anyone. It's not you!

 

I get the impression that you're twisting what he said about himself to be a reflection on you. It isn't. That "never loved" thing? That's him. That's his issue. And you know the saying: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

Be thankful you're capable of love.

[D-Lish]

D, don't think of it like that. He's never really loved anyone. I don't remember how old this guy is. 30s? If so, this guy is in his 30s and he's never loved anyone. It's not you!

 

I get the impression that you're twisting what he said about himself to be a reflection on you. It isn't. That "never loved" thing? That's him. That's his issue. And you know the saying: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

Be thankful you're capable of love.

 

Yes, he's mid 30's, only a few years younger than me. I know it's a real issue for him, he's got some weird childhood trauma going on inside of him.

[threebyfate]

Yes, he's mid 30's, only a few years younger than me. I know it's a real issue for him, he's got some weird childhood trauma going on inside of him.

Did he ever explain to you about the childhood trauma?

[whichwayisup]

I made the break up talk a piece of cake for him

 

Then all the more reason to stay in NC mode with him.

 

Hope you're doing better today..

[Am4Real]

Deciding whether to slap you or not....

 

I'm going with "not"

[freestyle]

Hey D

 

I didn't see this thread until today. My heart goes out to you, for the pain you're feeling.

 

It sounds like he has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies---leaving the bulk of the emotional communication in your lap---waiting for you to be the one to get fed up with him, etc.

 

I've been there, done that--guys like that will do a number on your head, and it is a blow to one's self-esteem---(even though the failure to communicate, and unresolved relationship issues are a result of their lack of emotional healthiness) Unfortunately it turns into a no-win situation, & it's not fair that one person ends up carrying all of the emotional weight......

 

I wish I had more words of wisdom to help you feel better--the best I can offer is empathy-I know how it feels to be involved with someone who behaves that way..

 

Hope you heal swiftly---and you will--you're a strong gal.

[D-Lish]

Did he ever explain to you about the childhood trauma?

 

Not outwardly. He made a few comments in passing which led me to believe he didn't get a whole lot of love or validation from his parents.

 

Then all the more reason to stay in NC mode with him.

 

Hope you're doing better today..

 

I am going to, I promise!

 

I woke up this morning to a text from him that came in at 230am- but it was blank. Weird.

 

Deciding whether to slap you or not....

 

I'm going with "not"

 

Phew! lol.

 

Hey D

 

I didn't see this thread until today. My heart goes out to you, for the pain you're feeling.

 

It sounds like he has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies---leaving the bulk of the emotional communication in your lap---waiting for you to be the one to get fed up with him, etc.

 

I've been there, done that--guys like that will do a number on your head, and it is a blow to one's self-esteem---(even though the failure to communicate, and unresolved relationship issues are a result of their lack of emotional healthiness) Unfortunately it turns into a no-win situation, & it's not fair that one person ends up carrying all of the emotional weight......

 

I wish I had more words of wisdom to help you feel better--the best I can offer is empathy-I know how it feels to be involved with someone who behaves that way..

 

Hope you heal swiftly---and you will--you're a strong gal.

 

Thanks Free!

 

I have not been inclined to contact him. Somehow it feels better not to know what he's doing. I have great restraint, I know nc is my path to healing. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw the text this morning though, and I had a shaky drive into work. He was probably hammered and mistakenly sent something.

 

Yes, it sucks to fall in love with someone that can't reciprocate. I've been there and done that with many men over the years.

 

I just feel numb and empty today. Creating this thread, talking about it has made a real difference in my healing. I'm also working with a really good group of women this week- and the support has been amazing on that end too.

 

You guys have been so helpful and supportive as I work through this. Thanks so much:love: