Arguing and finding resolution... near separation!!!

[shane147]

Okay, so here is a problem with my wife of 15 years and I. We can't solve a problem. I don't know if it is me or her, but when we argue... the only thing I can ever get out of her are vague comments such as "I hear you", or "I am listening". For illustrative purposes, we'll use the sex problem. (Not so much that this is the main issue, rather one of many) For instance, lets say that I point out something about our sex life that bothers or hurts me. I might say, this is missing, this is what I need. She gives the typical reply, perhaps restating what I said, but when I ask her if she will commit to working on this issue with me, she throws up barriers or avoids the topic. We rarely ever get past this stage. Am I asking too much?

 

Continuation of other post and this one:

A month or so ago, I tried to speak to her about a few things that had been upsetting me. (Our communication, intimacy) I did not want to turn this into a fight, rather I wanted us to open a dialogue and talk about what we could do to enrich our marriage. She gets really angry at the timing, then the tone, then we get into a short fight. I could really tell that despite me bringing this up as politely, courteously, and explain to her how genuinely important I felt about it.... she wasn't even remotely open to listening to me. I feel that she would rather block the problem out or defer it rather than admit a problem on her end.

 

So... a few weeks later... the same thing happened. Same results.. just read the above paragraph for what happened. At this point, I sort of felt myself giving up.

 

I went for a while and made no sexual advances towards her. (The one time I did during this time frame, she turned me down for Desperate Housewives). Eventually, she made a few advances towards me and we had a little fun. I still must admit that feeling that I was married to someone who didn't care about my feelings (doesn't that sound sappy?), I did not feel anywhere near as interested as perhaps a few months earlier.

 

SO... FFWD a week or so.

 

We have about a 3-4 night span where we argued, fought, screamed, cussed, etc ... for about 3-4 hours each night.. well into the morning. We seriously discussed separation. (I am still very seriously considering). She says I am not affectionate (or wasn't being so), and I say I'm upset that I'm married to a woman who doesn't consider my emotions and refuses to work with me on our marriage. We both say b.s.

 

On night 3, I mention to her that we should try for a few weeks.. months.. whatever... we should just both make a conscious effort to work on our shortcomings. (Baby steps). Initially, we agree. Later, however, she begins chewing @ss, because I admitted that I had not been showing affection and that I had not been feeling it. She accused me of trying to prove a point. (perhaps this is true). When I reiterated why I was so upset, she (READ CAREFULLY) said that I was holding grudges.

 

This is perhaps true, but when all the cooperation I can get from her is "I hear you speaking" with no RESOLUTION OR AGREEMENT, I feel that she has shown -0- interest herself.

 

SO, continuing night #3 of fighting, the fight gets even nastier, because I told her that I was skeptical of her listening to me, because all she has said the whole time is that.. IT IS ALL MY FAULT. Not once did she admit that she doesn't listen to me or that she will agree to listen and (god that sounds too emotional) such. She just went on a rampage because I was harboring resentment from an older problem.

 

Is it normal or okay for me to expect resolution in some form or another? We will work on this.. or we will not work on this.

[zakfar]

From the information you provided, it is obvious that you are really in a pretty bad stage of your relationship. To be honest, it is difficult to suggest a cure before listening to her (as it is also highly important), I point out a few things. It will help you to diagnose the real problems of your marriage, which can help you to achieve your final decision.

 

The points you have mentioned doesn't give the details since how long it started. I mean, you are married with her since 15 years, but did she always have conflicts of decisions? And did you always have bad endings during the arguments? If this all just started, then it would be important to know the status of your previous relationship. Who made most of the decisions, and who had the final sayings. I know it will be difficult for you to answer, but you can PM me if that seems appropriate.

 

One important thing that you need to understand is, she might be currently going through a psychological trauma for some reason. This might not have anything to do with you or your marriage. Sometimes, people just want to be bad, and want to destroy all that they have achieved. Please notice that I'm not saying that this is the exact reason, but it might be. But if this is the case, she might want to get separated just because she loves you and loves her marriage.

 

The responses like 'I hear you' or 'I am listening..." are no actual responses of human mind. This simply means that the listener is not interested in listening at all, so why would he/she would go for finding out the solution. I think you know this, and that's why you mentioned it here. The point I want to mention here is that, in the current stage, you have to first find out the reason behind such responses of hers. It is clear that there can be two reasons for this:

 

. She is not interested in keeping the relationship with you for any particular reason. She is holding it just because of the consequences she is going to face.

. She is interested in keeping the relationship with you, but for some reasons, her mind is giving her negative reactions for this. She hates to live with you, but she might love you and your marriage.

 

Notice the difference between these two reactions of her mind. Both of these can have many reasons for her negative reactions for you. You know here better than anyone, and you know her regular mode of communication.

 

When you said that you discuss with her about your sexual problems. The real question is that what kind of problems. I know it will be difficult for you to answer here, or me. But as you wish, you can PM me if you want. The thing that's really important is that, who initiate them normally, and who leads the activities. And if that's not happening, because of what reasons. I know you might not have the answers to 'What reasons', but you can suggest all that you think.

 

When you guys have fight, what kind of fights do you have. This is also very typical question. Has anyone of you ever been physical? Either you or her? If yes, to what extent. If those are only related with shouting and abusing, who is the one with louder voice, and with cursing words. I know this is going to stray the problem a little. But this is important. There are two types of abuses in a relationship, physical and psychological, and both are equally dangerous for both of them.

 

I don't want to conclude anything here. I just want to mention the points based on what you have written here so far. Your details of your sexual advancements towards her, her denial for a peculiar reason, and her advancements towards you, and your approval, suggest me that you had been through a typical scenario of 'Dealing the situation my way'. I would like to ask you, is this the first time it happened, or it had been happening in the past. She did normally deny you earlier as well and you had been waiting for her advancements. Please don't get me wrong, and please don't feel bad with this. It is a story of many relationships, and things happen like this. People are happy with this system, but they have to learn the system as it is.

 

I know, so far I haven't suggest you any solution. Technically, I don't want to give you a solution. Actually, you have to find out the solution yourself. I'm only mentioning some aspects that can help you in doing so. There are few points more that you need to know, which has nothing to do with your particular relationship.

 

In every household, there is a system and some untold rules. It doesn't matter how they are made, but they are there. The whole relationship is based on that. Both of them are happy if they have no problem with those rules. But sometimes, due to some reasons, one of them start having bad feelings for some of those rules. This is the time when the relationship takes a bad turn. Either you, or her, someone is actually having problem with the system of your relationship. Now who is that, you can analyze better. If that is you, you have two options. You can force yourself to accept the system as it is, or try to change the system your way. If this is her, then still you have two options. Either accept the kind of changes she wants, or end your relationship. I know people will surprise with my such response, but if you have conflict with her desired changes, than it will be indeed better for you to end this relationship. If you have not been in an abusive relationship yet, it will eventually become one in a while, no matter how much both of you are against domestic violence.

 

If there is something you want to share with me, which you can't share here, please PM me. I will be glad if I can be of any kind of help for you.

 

Thanks.

 

Zakfar.

Edited April 6, 2011 by zakfar

[xxoo]

For instance, lets say that I point out something about our sex life that bothers or hurts me. I might say, this is missing, this is what I need. She gives the typical reply, perhaps restating what I said, but when I ask her if she will commit to working on this issue with me, she throws up barriers or avoids the topic. We rarely ever get past this stage. Am I asking too much? .

 

If you are expecting her to give you what you asked for, as you asked for it, you are probably asking too much.

 

Working through an issue takes some back-and-forth, with BOTH partners listening to concerns, and sharing their own concerns. So, if you go to her with "This is what bothers me, and this is what I need", it is reasonable for her to respond with "this is why I am uncomfortable giving you what you are asking for"--and then the discussion goes from there. In the end, typically, there is a solution that neither party imagined going in. Two heads are better than one, and working through the problem we come up with better solutions together than what I (or he) initially felt we "needed".

 

When she throws up "barriers", she is probably poorly communicating her need. She won't be able to meet your needs for sex, for instance, if her own needs for ______ are unmet. She isn't expressing it that way, but do you think it is possible that is what she is saying?

[giotto]

Any kids? Does she work? Who's the main breadwinner? You or her? Just trying to establish the ancillary factors to this... seems to me you have a massive communication problem going...

[Lauriebell82]

What about marriage counseling? It sounds to me like you've acknowledged the issues that need worked on, but are having trouble communicating HOW to work on them. These problems are fixable, and with the help of a trained professional, you may be able to work through them. Is this something you and your wife would be open to?