Jealousy and Long distance *plus I've been reading his Chat Logs! :(* HELP

[lestat]

Hi all, this is my first time here - and my first major relationship - and I need some advice...

 

I met my boyf 6 months ago - over the internet - He lives about 2 hrs and things are generally good - However - he still keeps in regular contact with his ex via msn and text - and a few weeks ago - I couldn;t help myself and logged into his Chat History while he was out....I read some of the conversations he'd been having with his ex and I don't know what to make of them...Firstly they keep planning to meet up - and I'm not sure if he'd tell me if he was going to meet her....secondly they seem to flirt a lot - he asked her if he missed her - and she said yes he was sexy etc and he said he missed her B**bs etc....and they took affectionately towards each other lots of kisses n hearts....

 

Do you think I have any cause for concern or are they just flirting and joking....I just don't know how to deal with the insecurity I'm feeling - as I know his ex is prettier younger and shorter than me (I'm 22 6feet 1 inch and Average!) so I'm just worried that if they get on too well - and she lives nearer etc....maybe if I knew the reasons behind their breakup....he said it was because she's too young - but she's grown up now!

 

The distance makes me worry more as I don't know what he's upto (not that I should know 100% of the time I know!)....

 

Am I normal for feeling this way? and not liking the communication he has with his ex??

 

Any comments would be fantastic

 

Thank you for reading this waffle!!

 

xxx

[saintfrancis]

You have a whole host of problems here.

 

First, you felt compelled to snoop into his chat logs in the first place. Was something happening in the relationship that made you feel compelled to go digging? It sounds like you didn't trust him to begin with.

 

Second, you have info that you really shouldn't have, but now that you have it -- IMHO it sounds like he has not let go of his ex and is still interested in her. Don't expect your relationship with him to develop into anything serious as long as he is still that involved with her, emotionally or otherwise. Are you sure she's even an "ex?"

 

Third, it does NO good to ANYBODY to invade someone's privacy like that!!! I dated someone 5 years or so ago who used to get into my email, listen to my voicemail (which at the time was password protected, and to this day I have no idea how he got the password, because I didn't give it to him), put keyloggers on his machine to try and "catch" me doing - well who the hell knows what!!! The SICK thing, besides all of that being sick, was that HE was the one cheating on ME!! Yet somehow I wasn't supposed to have any male friends and if I did, he had to monitor that clandestinely. Can you say PSYCHO???

 

Please do not go down this road. If you feel untrusting enough to snoop, then that alone is a problem that needs to be addressed. I know from personal experience how it feels to have someone do that to me, and I would not wish that on anyone. If you have to move on, then do so keeping your dignity and his intact.

 

As for your insecurities, I suspect those would be there no matter who you are dating, right? You need to take care of that yourself.

[cutiebabe]

dude! that is wrong! u obviously dont trust him so if you dont trust him do u expect him to trust you? there was obviously some problems developing in the relationship before you went thru his stuff otherwise you wouldnt of...how would u feel if he did that to you? look when some couples break up they want to stay close friends, if they were really close in the relationship then he might want to keep it that way. if you think there is an issue then talk to him but be honest and tell him you went thru that stuff because otherwise he'll wonder how u knew...however if you tell him you could lose ur relationship, because he may find that he may not be able to deal with you not trusting him and that could very well send him back to his ex! tread carefully...your relationship could be at stake.

now you've read it, that would be a normal reaction ofcourse but you have to think, mayb they're just close friends? there is nothin wrong with that...re-evaluate your relationship and decide whether or not its for you.

Blessed Be

[lestat]

Well....I don;t know now if it is all that serious - I had a proper chat with him last night - about her - how often they talked how he felt etc - and he was honest with me - and I beleive he feels nothing other than friendship for her - and what I read was purely in jest ....

 

Since this is my first major relationship I'm on a bit of a learning curve - I'm not great @ trust I know that - but there's a long history to account for it - I'm not used to being so open with anyone - but it's a a good risk - and feels nice to be so close to someone - I don't feel like I should tell him what I got upto - reading his chats - as he happily showed me one of them yesterday....

 

Things are better now for me - I just have to ACCEPT that things are not going on and ditch the paranoia!

 

Since I'm aware that I have a few issues - I think I'm doing quite well for my first love!

 

Thanks to all for input anyway

 

G xxx

[fool4love]

My advice is gold, and I'll tell you why. I recently broke up w/ my b/f of 1.5 yrs long distance. He was my first true love. I was ALWAYS paranoid that he was out meeting other girls. I was constanly wondering what he was doing, and why he hadn't called or emailed. It messed with my head. I would get upset if he went out with girlfriends, and we openly discussed jealousy issues, and he reassured me that he loved me, and his friends were just friends. My insecurities caused me to go through his emails (when visiting him this past valentines weekend) and that was the last straw. I just couldn't trust him, and the distance was the reason, and it made me do and say terrible things and now we have broken up and I've lost him forever. If you really like this guy, continue to develop your relationship, but move slow, and focus on the positives, be sure to always be honest with him and understand that more than likely it is the distance, not him, that makes it stressful.

[Other_girl]

OK, I have to admit I did the same thing last week! BF is enslaved to passwords, keys, locks, safes, etc. and this has always made me uncomfortable. I also knew he had some feelings for an old GF who is now married to someone else and that they occasionally have email contact. It's true -- I didn't trust him. His marriage broke up because of his affair with this girl four years ago.

 

And I found exactly what I was afraid I'd find... they've been communicating for the past FOUR YEARS; the whole time we've been together plus before that. I found love letters he wrote that made me sick to my stomach.

 

Yes, my head was in the sand for a year and a half. I take full responsibility. Now what?

 

He acknowledges his feelings for her still but claims he loves me too (!) and that our relationship is real and that one is a fantasy. Wants me to "help him" let go of her once and for all. Wants me to "believe" in our love and have faith in him. He threw away all the remembrances he had locked up, deleted all the computer files (he says, I didn't check and don't care to) and is going to write to her to ask her not to contact him again.

 

The problem? My trust is shattered. He looked me in the eye and said he was always being honest with me, the only thing I've ever asked of him. He's done this twice now - first with his ex wife and now with me, albeit the same girl. The biggest issue for me is that he admits that IF she weren't married and IF we weren't together, then yes, he might still be interested in a relationship with her.

 

I want to run as fast as I can, as far as I can.....